He keeps leaving but then coming back

[Jaymoq7]

My boyfriend (ex?) and I have been together a little less than two years. We’ve lived together for over a year now. Within the last 6 months, he keeps threatening to leave me whenever we have any disagreement. He says he does it to remind me he has the power. I am a very anxious attached partner. I want my partner to want me and love me and I find myself doing anything to win his affection. But I’m at a point I’m tired of constantly begging him to stay and never resolving our differences. He works part time and doesn’t really want to do more. I work full time and am the primary provider. He resents me for it. However he says cleaning the house is woman’s work- so I work all day and come home to make dinner and clean up. Some days he surprises me and has already made dinner but those are very rare nights. And he usually is expecting something in return. 
 

I was away for the holidays (my sister had a baby and I couldn’t afford both my BF and my own plane ticket) and he kept mentioning it would be a good time to move out while I was gone. I almost wished he had. 
 

when I came home, we fell right back in to bickering. We just never resolve anything. It’s like he wants to keep me guessing. He says he’s depressed but won’t get help. He threatens to kill himself a lot and I take It seriously but he’s starting to take it to cruel levels like “I want to hang myself on that tree out front so when you get home the first thing you see is me swinging and know it’s your fault”. I’ve been with him to appointments with psychiatrists, I’ve gone with him to therapists and he starts taking meds then stops. 
 

So today, I finally sat him down and said we have to figure this out. He told me he doesn’t like living with me and thinks I’m controlling him. So I told him it might be the time to end things. He threw a fit and drove off to “buy boxes”. Came back, packed a few things, kept asking me if I was “sure” and when I said yes, he said he can’t deal with this right now and left. Called me saying he was driving to quit his job because he was being kicked out. I told him I was sorry he was quitting his job and if there Was anything I could do. He said no, this is my fault and I owed him $$ for the groceries he bought this week. 
 

showed up a few hours later, still no boxes and I’d started to box his things because I’m getting anxious at this point with the half packed stuff. He saw the boxes and got upset. Then he said “you know, nevermind, I’m going to stay” and proceeded to make himself dinner. Then he said “I think it’s best we don’t spend the night together, give ourselves space- and I’ll be home tomorrow”. Then left to his sisters. 
 

so I packed everything of his (less than 10 totes worth) and they’re sitting in the living room and my stomach is in knots. I love him. Madly. But I just cannot continue to be held hostage with his threats of leaving. I feel like we’ve been on egg shells every day since the first time because he wants to keep me in this state of panic. He is very unhappy himself and I am just not an angry or unhappy person. I’m clinging to the memories of who he was when we met. Before he got so depressed and angry. But lately he’s just always so upset with me and with life. He told me he doesn’t see a future with me anymore but he just won’t leave. 
 

How do I find the strength to just have him get his things and leave? I usually cry when he’s packing because I’m so sad. I don’t want him to leave. I love him. But I think I’m in love with the memory of him. Not who he is anymore. But I have this hope that person is still in there. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This is who he is, OP. 

The guy you remember fondly was simply this jerk doing his best to hide his jerkdom from you, until he had you where he wanted you. Then he dropped the act and showed you who he actually is. The Duke of Jerkdom. 

In other words, you love someone who doesn’t really exist. You need to get this man out of your life so you can eventually meet a great guy who doesn’t emotionally abuse you and manipulate you. 

[Jaymoq7]

Thank you. You’re right. I can’t keep waiting for that man because that wasn’t the real him. Someone told me “When someone tells you who they are, listen”. He’s telling me and showing me who he is. I called him tonight because I was missing him and he’s drunk. It was just the kick in the pants I needed to get over my missing him. 
 

I think I’m going to just set his things on the porch and arrange a time for him to get them. I don’t think I’ve got the nerve to see him. I still feel very strongly for him in spite of all this but I’m having to choose me. 
 

thanks again. My tummy is in knots but I know that this is what has to happen. 

[fromheart]

You really need to kick this person out of your life, you are being abused!

[Jaymoq7]

I put his things on the porch today and asked him when he was coming to get them. I told him I wouldn’t be there. He text me and said “I’m coming home”. He then called 7 times. I haven’t answered. I left the house and left the gate unlocked. I feel sick to my stomach. I have checked my cameras and he hasn’t showed up yet. I’m just waiting in a parking lot now. 

 

im feeling really sad. I wish this wasn’t happening. I’m really missing him. The few moments he was sweet. When he wasn’t angry with me. 
 

I need the strength to get through this. And to be ok. 

[Jaymoq7]

Well he grabbed some things and he’s off. He left a lot behind and said he’ll be back next week to get it. I’m dreading that. Him coming back. I wish he had taken it all. Because now I’ll still be wounded waiting for him to get the rest of his things. 

I am thinking about taking the last of his things to his relatives. So we don’t have to do this again. This dance of him getting his things and me being anxious about it are not okay. I know he’s only doing it to keep a connection here. 
 

Part of me misses him. Wants him back. But this didn’t happen by accident. We didn’t get here by accident. We didn’t fight over nothing. We didn’t spend days and nights apart because of feuds to just let it wash over. 
 

my hearts sad and I’m lonely and it’s weird being in this house without him. But it’ll be ok. 

[preraph]

He left that stuff on purpose because he thinks by next week you'll take him back.  Listen, I am SO glad you finally came to your senses about this guy.  The only time he was nice was when you first met and he was acting nice to try to win you, but now he is an abusive jerk.  He is still liable to try the old "I'm killing myself" thing, so you need to get his stuff to him or give him final notice on it, and get it out of the house and rekey the locks and the security system passwords.  Send his stuff over to him by hiring a truck and driver for $50 if you have to, but get it done and out of there so he has no reason to be lurking around.  I don't trust him.  Someone who has been that mean to you and preyed on your own weaknesses is a JERK.  And someone who will control anyone by threatening self-harm needs to be locked up.  I'm very glad you are finally standing up to him, but I know he knows how to play you, so stay strong.  Don't let HIM control this.  Get his stuff to him and change those locks.  He was also a freeloader and a PIG.  You would be better alone than with someone like him and I hope you realize that fully soon.  He's not right for anyone!  Require the next guy to be independent financially and stay away from any that try to control you with fear like he has done.  That's just opportunistic feeding.  

 

 

[spiderowl]

17 hours ago, Jaymoq7 said:

My boyfriend (ex?) and I have been together a little less than two years. We’ve lived together for over a year now. Within the last 6 months, he keeps threatening to leave me whenever we have any disagreement. He says he does it to remind me he has the power. I am a very anxious attached partner. I want my partner to want me and love me and I find myself doing anything to win his affection. But I’m at a point I’m tired of constantly begging him to stay and never resolving our differences. He works part time and doesn’t really want to do more. I work full time and am the primary provider. He resents me for it. However he says cleaning the house is woman’s work- so I work all day and come home to make dinner and clean up. Some days he surprises me and has already made dinner but those are very rare nights. And he usually is expecting something in return. 
 

I was away for the holidays (my sister had a baby and I couldn’t afford both my BF and my own plane ticket) and he kept mentioning it would be a good time to move out while I was gone. I almost wished he had. 
 

when I came home, we fell right back in to bickering. We just never resolve anything. It’s like he wants to keep me guessing. He says he’s depressed but won’t get help. He threatens to kill himself a lot and I take It seriously but he’s starting to take it to cruel levels like “I want to hang myself on that tree out front so when you get home the first thing you see is me swinging and know it’s your fault”. I’ve been with him to appointments with psychiatrists, I’ve gone with him to therapists and he starts taking meds then stops. 
 

So today, I finally sat him down and said we have to figure this out. He told me he doesn’t like living with me and thinks I’m controlling him. So I told him it might be the time to end things. He threw a fit and drove off to “buy boxes”. Came back, packed a few things, kept asking me if I was “sure” and when I said yes, he said he can’t deal with this right now and left. Called me saying he was driving to quit his job because he was being kicked out. I told him I was sorry he was quitting his job and if there Was anything I could do. He said no, this is my fault and I owed him $$ for the groceries he bought this week. 
 

showed up a few hours later, still no boxes and I’d started to box his things because I’m getting anxious at this point with the half packed stuff. He saw the boxes and got upset. Then he said “you know, nevermind, I’m going to stay” and proceeded to make himself dinner. Then he said “I think it’s best we don’t spend the night together, give ourselves space- and I’ll be home tomorrow”. Then left to his sisters. 
 

so I packed everything of his (less than 10 totes worth) and they’re sitting in the living room and my stomach is in knots. I love him. Madly. But I just cannot continue to be held hostage with his threats of leaving. I feel like we’ve been on egg shells every day since the first time because he wants to keep me in this state of panic. He is very unhappy himself and I am just not an angry or unhappy person. I’m clinging to the memories of who he was when we met. Before he got so depressed and angry. But lately he’s just always so upset with me and with life. He told me he doesn’t see a future with me anymore but he just won’t leave. 
 

How do I find the strength to just have him get his things and leave? I usually cry when he’s packing because I’m so sad. I don’t want him to leave. I love him. But I think I’m in love with the memory of him. Not who he is anymore. But I have this hope that person is still in there. 
 

 

Wow, this is such a difficult situation for you, OP! This guy has been blackmailing and controlling you emotionally for a long time. I think it is amazing that you have found the strength to stop him and to get him to move out. You are doing the right thing.

This guy may attempt suicide. He may even succeed. I am not saying this to scare you but so that you are prepared for whatever happens. You should not have to put up with his behaviour. Others would not. You should not be subject to his blackmail. 

If the place you are living in is in your name and you pay the rent/mortgage, then you could arrange for a friend to remove his stuff to somewhere safe - a relative of your boyfriend’s maybe - and then change the locks.  

I know it is easy to say but that might be easier than getting your boyfriend to move it and move out. Maybe you should seek advice from a housing legal charity or lawyer (if you can afford it). 

I would suggest getting in touch with a women’s refuge or domestic abuse charity to get advice on how to deal with his threats and manipulations. They may be able to offer some support.

Good luck! You are on the right track for gaining your freedom!

[Jaymoq7]

Thanks everyone. Yeah- he does know how to play me. I’ve moved everything in to my garage and I figure I can take it to his sisters next week or something. He has called me several times and sent me messages saying he loves me, he’s so sorry, I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, he’ll never forsake me again, he wants to come home.

 

ive heard that before. It’s easy to say. It’s another to do. I still care for him and so there’s a piece of my heart wishing those were real words but I can almost guarantee in a day or two when I don’t say “alright come home” he’s going to get irritated with me and the narrative will change. 
 

he isn’t even in the same state as me anymore. He drove to his dads who is 6 hours away. So there’s plenty of distance. I haven’t taken his calls and I have his texts on silent. I finally responded just to say that he should use this time to reflect on his life and what he really wants out of it. I don’t want to harbor negative feelings toward him. But I am not going to give in. Luckily this property is in my name only and I have smart locks so everything has new codes and my front gate combo has changed. It’s like Fort Knox here! 
 

It’s been a really rough day but I have to remember how I got here and that I shouldn’t be settling for someone who only realizes my value when they’ve lost me. 

[preraph]

Jaymok, since this may come up, if he makes any threats of self-harm, there is only one proper reaction to that, and that is to call 911 on him. Once you are broken up, his mental health is no longer your problem and you are not qualified to deal with it anyway. 

 

You called 911 because if he's serious which I doubt, they are trained and they could also get him help and make him take it. If he is not serious which is far more likely, knowing that the police will be called anytime he makes the threat should keep him from trying that again. So that's why it's the only right reaction to it. Don't get in the middle of it at all. Just call 911 and don't respond otherwise.

[Jaymoq7]

Thank you all. 
 

I have really been doing soul searching. I know they say people don’t change but I am still so hurt I have this hope in my heart he will. Of course he is telling me he will and saying all these wonderful things. But they’re just words. And I don’t want to fall in to the trap of believing words without action. 
 

I still care for him very much and I know I want this to work even if there are so many reasons for it not to. Why? Because I care for him. Because I have seen him be good. Because I see a future with him - if he can get past this anger and depression and harmful coping mechanisms. 

[preraph]

That's just not going to happen. He's not even trying.  Maybe if he was in weekly therapy, you could say, in a year's time, maybe we'll see how you're doing.  

[Redhead14]

On 12/30/2019 at 10:23 AM, Jaymoq7 said:

Because I see a future with him - if he can get past this anger and depression and harmful coping mechanisms. 

You don't see a future with HIM.  You see a future with the man you want him to be . . . and after living together for over a year, this is who he is.  He isn't going to change any time soon.

YOU need to get past his anger and depression and harmful coping mechanisms and remember that you cannot do that for him.  In fact, you've been enabling him, more or less, by tolerating his behavior and allowing yourself to be a doormat.  Frankly, from what you're describing, he doesn't have anger and depression issues.  What he has is a manipulation issue.  He acts angry and depressed when he doesn't get his way.  He sounds more like he a petulant, entitled, spoiled jerk.  Telling you he's going to quit his job because you're throwing him out is all about manipulation and throwing a tantrum.  Stop feeling sorry for him.  Stick to you guns.  Let him figure his "stuff" out and get right with himself.  He will never be a good partner for anyone until he gets himself straightened out on his own two feet or else he should go back to his parents so they can finish the job they started but were failing miserably at for the beginning of his life apparently.

 

 

Edited December 31, 2019 by Redhead14

[schlumpy]

He has some changing to do but I'm afraid it's not going to be with you. You have been amazingly tolerant. Please do drop his stuff at his sisters. It's just an excuse where it is for him stop by again. 

[spiderowl]

Instead of saying he could be a good guy if he gets over his anger and manipulation issues, it would be more realistic to say he could be a good guy WHEN he has had therapy and got over these things (if it is even possible to get over anger issues). Until he has completely resolved these things with the right therapy, please do not even consider having this guy back in your life. A promise to do things is nothing - let him do it all first (should take a few years).