My ex dumped me again. ex wants to be friends

[LunadelToro]

Heads up because this is going to be long and I'm really sorry for my english, english is not my mother tongue

My ex and I were in a LDR for year on july (the last time I visited him). During my visit he broke down crying on one occasion, saying that it had been lonely because he had nobody to be there for him. I suggested moving to his city for him, to which he said that I shouldn't. 3 weeks after the visit he broke up with me. He said he thought long and that we couldn't make it work. He said he wanted to marry me, but he didn't have the money right now and that I'm already at the age where I should get married (I'm 26, he's 21). I accepted, because I know how lonely he had been being in this relationship. I told him i needed some time to move on because he wanted us to be friends, but he was relentlessly contacting me everyday. His reason was the he was scared of losing me. After a talk we had one night he asked me back, and I accepted since I'm still in love with him. He said he wanted to put in the effort this time.

We were planning to meet this December and I've booked the flight and hotel for the trip to his city. It was him who wanted to bring me in this trip. During these months we had a few arguments and that made him think we weren't as compatible as before. During November he got busy with work, but things were mostly okay. He voiced his concern of not having the time for me, but I assured him that it's okay since we're going to meet soon. At the end of November but he said he needed to cancel our plan because he'll be busy with work. He said his career means a lot to him, and that he's willing to lose everything for his career. I cried a lot during these time, because he'd get angry with me a lot and he's too tired to have a conversation with me almost everyday. On December he confirmed that the plan is cancelled and he broke up with me again. This time he said that he thought we had lost the chemistry, and that he needed someone local. 

He didn't contact me this time and i went no contact. After 10 days he started to comment on my social media like a friend, like the breakup hadn't happen. 2 weeks after the breakup he texted me asking me how i was doing, and then proceeded to tell me that he's been really busy with work and that he's been sick for a few days now. I don't know what he wants?

I can't help but feel that he's been stringing me along, because he said he wanted to put in the effort but his effort was "working hard" and that work was the reason why he ended things with me. I feel like he didn't want to invest in this relationship but at the same time want what I provide for him. It feels horrible, to give your all to someone who took you for granted. 

 

 

Edited January 16, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[alterest]

Hey, LunadelToro. I'm sorry for your situtation. It's pretty hard to make a decision to come back to someone, and end again make things worst, especially when you feed yourself with hope.

The thing is: He is pretty young and you both are in different stages of life. He won't let you to move on not because he wants to be with you, but because he wants you to be there to him.

He already make it clear that he doesn't want anything with you, he broke up with you again for his reasons and now he's tracking you on social media to see how things is doing to you, or even to be a trully friend. But you don't want that right now, am I correct? If I am, cut contact with him, do not respond or at least tell him in the most polite and short way that you want to stay away from him.

Stay in NC and move on!!

[TeddyBundy1993]

I can feel your pain my ldr 3 years also got over few months ago. Due to same reasons and my ex started to date another man. This guy sound like a complete jerk self centered and not carying about your feelings and time and money you put on to make this relationship work. He just want to string you along while he f*** local women there. You should tell him in one msg that he is self centered person and a complete narcissist and ask him not to waste your time and not to contact you again. He said he can loose everything for his career tell him he lost you.  And ignore him. These days exes can be friends I see but this douchebag doesnt seems like friend material either my dear. Stay strong dont fall for his nasty games hes selfish a**h***. Also provided hes only 21 year old, its most likely he would explore and do more soul searching in coming years. You are a dedicated girl as I see from your words there are other men out there who would treat you way too much better than this douchebag. He has shown his true colors and doesnt deserve your friendship either. Shut him down grieve and move on. He ain't worth a second of your attention good luck..

[LunadelToro]

On 12/29/2019 at 8:16 PM, alterest said:

Hey, LunadelToro. I'm sorry for your situtation. It's pretty hard to make a decision to come back to someone, and end again make things worst, especially when you feed yourself with hope.

The thing is: He is pretty young and you both are in different stages of life. He won't let you to move on not because he wants to be with you, but because he wants you to be there to him.

He already make it clear that he doesn't want anything with you, he broke up with you again for his reasons and now he's tracking you on social media to see how things is doing to you, or even to be a trully friend. But you don't want that right now, am I correct? If I am, cut contact with him, do not respond or at least tell him in the most polite and short way that you want to stay away from him.

Stay in NC and move on!!

"He won't let you to move on not because he wants to be with you, but because he wants you to be there to him."

Thank you for this reminder  I'm going on NC. 

[LunadelToro]

On 12/30/2019 at 1:16 AM, TeddyBundy1993 said:

I can feel your pain my ldr 3 years also got over few months ago. Due to same reasons and my ex started to date another man. This guy sound like a complete jerk self centered and not carying about your feelings and time and money you put on to make this relationship work. He just want to string you along while he f*** local women there. You should tell him in one msg that he is self centered person and a complete narcissist and ask him not to waste your time and not to contact you again. He said he can loose everything for his career tell him he lost you.  And ignore him. These days exes can be friends I see but this douchebag doesnt seems like friend material either my dear. Stay strong dont fall for his nasty games hes selfish a**h***. Also provided hes only 21 year old, its most likely he would explore and do more soul searching in coming years. You are a dedicated girl as I see from your words there are other men out there who would treat you way too much better than this douchebag. He has shown his true colors and doesnt deserve your friendship either. Shut him down grieve and move on. He ain't worth a second of your attention good luck..

Thank you for this  I'm trying to remember my worth now. I have nothing else to say really, thank you for your advice. Hopefully one day I'll arrive at a place where I'd be able to accept all of this gracefully and move on. 

[preraph]

He's 21.  There's no way a 21 year old guy is ready to get married and commit to someone.  That's what he meant when he said YOU are ready to get married.  You can't really know someone well enough to get married when you only see them once in a while either, so please realize you do not really know each other that well for that.  

 

I am so sorry you're hurting, though.  It's never easy.  I do think you ought to let him go.  All he wants is to have a chat once in a while, not a big relationship.  So if you do want a big relationship, I hope you now realize trying to do it with random people ong-distance isn't going to work.  You need to date locally if you want a real boyfriend, and get it off the internet and into seeing each other in person where you can really tell what they're like.  Good luck.

[LunadelToro]

I've been broken up with my ex for 40 days now. He has voiced his desire to remain friends with me, but every time he reached out i'd reply with a cold/formal answer.

I guess he didn't get the message or that he was being stubborn because he's still messaging me then. The conversation went like this:

Him: 'Til when are you going to keep treating me like an enemy? I'll always be waiting and I can't wait to be your friend. (this was sent after I ignored his messages)

Me: (I asked what his definition of being "friends" means, but he dodged.) I'd appreciate it if you give me some space for now.

Him: Ah.. It's okay, you don't have to reply, really. Just read my messages. It's just that.. Sometimes I feel the urge to tell you stories..

(proceeded to ask me about my life. when I don't reply, he sent me this long ass text about his thoughts during his last holiday trip)

I feel really bad for ignoring him, but it's best for me because i needed to move on. 

He broke up with me twice. The last time I met him in July 2019 (we were in LDR, 818 miles apart) he suddenly admitted to being lonely in our rs. He was crying as he told me this. I was surprised since he never voiced this before, but i asked if he wanted to continue our rs and he said yes. I offered to move to his city too but he refused. 

A month after this he was in a stressful life situations and was being kind of unavailable to me. One night we had a small argument because he went MIA, to which he apologized but then broke up with me the next day. I understood him and accepted it gracefully. After the BU he won't leave me alone even after I requested for space. After 2 weeks, I guess he couldn't cope with the loss because he asked me back (and I stupidly took him back)

All this while he made me believe he'd fight harder for our relationship since I "took" him back. Told me how much effort I've spent for our rs. But in just 3 months, he got even busier than before and I guess he found out that being in a rs with me adds in his burden. We were planning to visit bali together in December, and I've booked the flight ticket and he had made our itinerary for our visit. He still told me he loved me and all that at the end of November, but on December 2nd he suddenly told me he'd be busy during our meeting date and that he had to cancel our plans. On the 3rd and 4th he was being distant again, not calling me and being cold towards me. I sorta knew what was coming. He broke up with me again then. This time, his reason was that he couldn't bear the distance and that he wanted to find someone local.

I understand and I'm not blaming him for needing someone closer. But it was his promises, his talks, and him not discussing it with me that f***s me up. I felt like trash, unwanted. He said he'd fight for us, but bailed as soon as it gets harder again. 

And somehow he believes that we will be "friends", in which he could call/text me anytime he wanted to, whenever it's convenient for him. I understand that our breakup was circumstantial but heck, I'm still so angry over him. Am i allowed to be angry? I don't even know anymore. I feel really bitter and cold. I hate myself for being bitchy towards him. 

[lana-banana]

Of course you are allowed to be angry, and you have every right to shut him out completely. When someone breaks up with you, they are no longer entitled to any amount of your life. It's up to the person who was dumped to decide how much contact, if any, they want to have with their ex.

When I was younger and first breaking up with guys, I didn't understand this. I knew that I still liked these guys even if I didn't want to date them. I didn't understand that they often cared for me very deeply. I didn't realize just how much it hurt to get a non-romantic text from someone who had broken your heart until it happened to me.

He probably doesn't mean to be a jerk but that doesn't mean you should put up with it.Cut him off. Explain that you need to heal on your own timeline and you'll reach out to him only when you're ready. If that day never comes, that's fine too. There's no gold medal for being friends with an ex.

Edited January 14, 2020 by lana-banana

[d0nnivain]

Dumpers want to be friends to soothe their own consciences.  They hate being the source of somebody else's pain so they seek redemption through friendship. 

Tell him that while you appreciate the offer you can't be friends with him right now.  Explain that it hurts to much to see & talk to him.  Tell him that if he ever cared about you, he will respect your need from space & back off.  Then you can ignore him in peace because hopefully he'll go away

[TeddyBundy1993]

Its upto you to stay friends.  But definitely not as of now. You have to heal. Dont speak to him atleast for 6 months.  By that time he will be completely over you too. From my experience dumpers wanna stay friends knowingly or unknowingly to detach themselves from dumpee from the remaining attachment they left from dumpee. If you are a dumpee immediately go no contact and heal. Take care good luck 

[snowboy91]

It is possible for exes to remain friends... but friends care about each other. If he truly cares about you he would respect your need for space, and understand that a friendship is only possible once those raw emotions subside. I don't think he understands what you're feeling.

Don't contact him, and block him if you think you need to.

[twatwa123]

In my honest opinion, it is better to NOT be friends with an ex. 

Whilst it can work, for one party (namely the dumpee) remaining friends can often slow the healing process.

I think that once you do anything more than a kiss, and you start romancing with someone, a line is crossed. You can either be lovers in a relationship or you can't be anything to them. 

When I was dumped, my ex wanted to be friends. This would've eased her pain and would have prolonged my healing. I ended up blocking her on Whatsapp and Facebook so I nor her could be tempted to message. I'm now on day 222 of no contact, and I'm dating someone else too. 

[d0nnivain]

Being friends with an EX does not mean remaining close.  It's about not causing drama & being polite when you bump into each other.  It's maybe about sending a holiday card.  It's not about talking, staying caught up in each other's lives or sharing your inner most thoughts.  In fact that kind of friendship will upset any future romantic prospects who will deem you two too close.  

[LunadelToro]

Thank you guys. In my case, we were in a LDR. I initially agreed to be friends with him because I assumed it would be awkward when we game together and I just want to be cordial to him while we game together. But he's been spamming me with messages and as I found out, he wanted us to be as close as before but with the title now shifted to "friends". I kindly told him that we can attempt to be friends after some time and asked him to give me space. He literally told me that he'd still continue to text me, but I don't have to reply him. He wanted me to read those messages though and that he just wanted someone to listen. I'm confused because i'm the dumpee here and I never had any dumper like this. Confusing situation really. He dumped me because he thought he needed to date someone closer to him. He was depressed and lonely and his therapist told him to either get married/get a new girlfriend to provide him with attention and affection that he needed. 

[LunadelToro]

49 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Being friends with an EX does not mean remaining close.  It's about not causing drama & being polite when you bump into each other.  It's maybe about sending a holiday card.  It's not about talking, staying caught up in each other's lives or sharing your inner most thoughts.  In fact that kind of friendship will upset any future romantic prospects who will deem you two too close.  

This is what he wanted though. I'm confused. He said that he'd put me as his priority and that his new girlfriend will have to accept him being friends with me. 

[2BGoodAgain]

run.

it doesn't look like it's YOU that he's missing.. he's just lonely....

best case scenario... when someday, he gets over this lonely/whatever phase... he'll move on...

he isn't in a position to be in a relationship b/c he's got bigger issues than money or what not.

he's not ready for you. if ever.

Good luck!

[Funktionull]

There is almost no reason to remain friends with an EX. They arent the only people on earth to be friends with and there are plenty of friends you can make that don't come with attached emotional baggage. 

Just let it go.

[d0nnivain]

On 1/16/2020 at 9:02 AM, LunadelToro said:

This is what he wanted though. I'm confused. He said that he'd put me as his priority and that his new girlfriend will have to accept him being friends with me. 

 It sounds like you were his OL / LDR GF but now he's found a real live GF who is actually there, who he can kiss, cuddle etc.  So of course he wants nothing about your interactions to change because OL nothing has changed.  You still game & talk.  Still it's problematic especially for you because your feelings are involved.  To him you were a pleasant distraction & he doesn't see why that has to change especially since he now has a "real" GF

Get him completely y out of your life.  Find a new game.  

[LunadelToro]

On 1/16/2020 at 9:03 PM, 2BGoodAgain said:

run.

it doesn't look like it's YOU that he's missing.. he's just lonely....

best case scenario... when someday, he gets over this lonely/whatever phase... he'll move on...

he isn't in a position to be in a relationship b/c he's got bigger issues than money or what not.

he's not ready for you. if ever.

Good luck!

 

Thank you!!

[rjc149]

LDR's all have a shelf life. That expiration date is coming, sooner or later. Really, he broke up with the LDR, not you. He didn't really leave you for the new girl, because you weren't even *there.* He ended a fantasy in order to embrace reality. He had higher physical affection needs than you did. It only hurts because he did it first, not you. It would have happened either way. 

You are ready for marriage when you are ready for marriage. The only thing that age determines is the likelihood that you are *not* ready for marriage. At 21/26, he's definitely not, and you're probably not. You are ready when you, as a happy, whole woman, are ready to share your happiness with someone. That may be when you're 26, 30, 40, it's up to you. Not society. I'd imagine a very common reason for divorce is "we married too young."

He ended the relationship, but is stringing you along to maintain some sort of connection with you. In order to heal, you have to cut that string and free yourself. No contact. Block him if he keeps trying to banter with you. Take some ownership and control of the situation he has put upon you, exercise your agency over your own life. Cut the string.

Edited January 18, 2020 by rjc149

[kendahke]

Your English is very good!

I think he enjoys the idea of you being there on his time-table and when he chooses to not make time, that's him showing you where you are on his priority list.

IMO, what you need to do is completely cut off all access to your attention. No audience for him.  That means texts, social media--everything.

You don't owe him friendship on his terms alone---you have agency in this.  If the cost of being his friend is damaging, then you can't be his friend.

On 1/16/2020 at 9:02 AM, LunadelToro said:

This is what he wanted though. I'm confused. He said that he'd put me as his priority and that his new girlfriend will have to accept him being friends with me. 

Oh, honey no... If you were his girlfriend, would you accept him putting another woman as a priority to you?  I don't think you would--it's insulting to both of you. He's basically telling both of you that neither of you are worthy of his complete loyalty.  That would not be acceptable to me.

[LunadelToro]

On 1/17/2020 at 10:17 PM, Funktionull said:

There is almost no reason to remain friends with an EX. They arent the only people on earth to be friends with and there are plenty of friends you can make that don't come with attached emotional baggage. 

Just let it go.

I've been NC for 2 weeks now, still trying to hold on. Thank you so much

On 1/17/2020 at 10:24 PM, d0nnivain said:

 It sounds like you were his OL / LDR GF but now he's found a real live GF who is actually there, who he can kiss, cuddle etc.  So of course he wants nothing about your interactions to change because OL nothing has changed.  You still game & talk.  Still it's problematic especially for you because your feelings are involved.  To him you were a pleasant distraction & he doesn't see why that has to change especially since he now has a "real" GF

Get him completely y out of your life.  Find a new game.  

I don't think they're in a rs as of now, maybe a new interest. And we don't actually game at all now since he's busy with work. He told me once that he hated losing people, and the he treat those closest to him like his possession. He would never let them go. At this time in his life I was the closest to him, I know stuffs he couldn't tell others and I'm the only one he turn to voice his concerns so he'd like to still be able to do all this.

[LunadelToro]

9 hours ago, rjc149 said:

LDR's all have a shelf life. That expiration date is coming, sooner or later. Really, he broke up with the LDR, not you. He didn't really leave you for the new girl, because you weren't even *there.* He ended a fantasy in order to embrace reality. He had higher physical affection needs than you did. It only hurts because he did it first, not you. It would have happened either way. 

You are ready for marriage when you are ready for marriage. The only thing that age determines is the likelihood that you are *not* ready for marriage. At 21/26, he's definitely not, and you're probably not. You are ready when you, as a happy, whole woman, are ready to share your happiness with someone. That may be when you're 26, 30, 40, it's up to you. Not society. I'd imagine a very common reason for divorce is "we married too young."

He ended the relationship, but is stringing you along to maintain some sort of connection with you. In order to heal, you have to cut that string and free yourself. No contact. Block him if he keeps trying to banter with you. Take some ownership and control of the situation he has put upon you, exercise your agency over your own life. Cut the string.

What you said totally right, but it is hard to accept. Acceptance is hard 😢

We were only 818 miles apart though, why would he start something he couldn't commit to? Why made me do all the work and not giving anything back?

And about the marriage, I've clearly told him i was not ready and he was the one who insisted he wanted to marry young.

What i wanted to know is his motives behind all this. Does he genuinely like me and wanting me as friends for life, or is he stringing me along to fulfill his needs?

 

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

Your English is very good!

I think he enjoys the idea of you being there on his time-table and when he chooses to not make time, that's him showing you where you are on his priority list.

IMO, what you need to do is completely cut off all access to your attention. No audience for him.  That means texts, social media--everything.

You don't owe him friendship on his terms alone---you have agency in this.  If the cost of being his friend is damaging, then you can't be his friend.

Oh, honey no... If you were his girlfriend, would you accept him putting another woman as a priority to you?  I don't think you would--it's insulting to both of you. He's basically telling both of you that neither of you are worthy of his complete loyalty.  That would not be acceptable to me.

Tysm :')

It's true that I was never on his priority list as he put other matters before me, he'd make short calls and inform me what he's doing and where he's going etc out of responsibility but it's been a while since we even had a decent conversation.. Even when we face timed he'd be scrolling on his ig.

After the 1st breakup we had actually discussed this and he knew it took me long to get over someone, and that I needed time to move on before attempting to be friends but he pressed that we had to be friends. He couldn't understand why I can't just be friends with him, and told me how awful it is for me to just throw him away like that but i stood my ground. He finally caved in and agreed to give me some space to move on if we ever break up again. He also told me that he wouldn't mind being my 'online bf' until i find someone new, this was what he said because he assumed i'd break up with him eventually. But he was the one that broke up with me, asked me back and promised to work hard to and put in the effort this time.

Well after he broke up with me again (2nd time) he asked if we could be friends and I initially said yes. He didn't contact me for 2 weeks(which i assume to give me space) however during this time I gained clarity of how s***ty he was treating me after we got back together (i was crying almost daily because he would lash out at me for being too tired) how little he invested in me, and the fact that he wasn't willing to discuss with me even though i asked him to. I would be okay with him not wanting to continue this, but I felt strung along and his actions never match his words. I felt really bitter towards him, so when he reached out 2 weeks later I was being cold and guarded. He kept trying to talk to me and after a few attempts I told him I needed space for now, he said I don't have to reply him that all i need to do just read what he texted me and that all he needed was someone to hear him out. He's still texting me telling me about his holidays and life in general even though I never reply him again. I know it's his way of trying to get close to me again.

Now, I felt like a bitch for ignoring him. I feel really awful. Am i a bad person for not wanting to talk to him? And i know this can't be helped and he's not wrong for wanting someone closer but oh how this hurts so much.. I've invested a lot in him, was trying to find a job in his city, and I know it's not to job to pay me back for what I've done, but i wish he had tried more.. 

This was what I told him too, that I couldn't accept him talking to me while having a gf, and that I'd not want to upset my future partner. He might be saying this out of guilt though, I wouldn't know if he'd just abandon me later and I'm not too keen to find out.. Or maybe, he just wanted us to be on talking terms. What really hurts is how nonchalant he appeared to be right after the breakup, trying to treat me like a friend right away. I know he's trying to break the ice but that was really insensitive of him to do, once he tried to pass me as his 'older sister' and i raged.

I'm sorry if this is long, I'd really appreciate your thoughts 😢

[rjc149]

14 hours ago, LunadelToro said:

What you said totally right, but it is hard to accept. Acceptance is hard 😢

We were only 818 miles apart though, why would he start something he couldn't commit to? Why made me do all the work and not giving anything back?

And about the marriage, I've clearly told him i was not ready and he was the one who insisted he wanted to marry young.

What i wanted to know is his motives behind all this. Does he genuinely like me and wanting me as friends for life, or is he stringing me along to fulfill his needs?

I know it's hard to accept the end of something you didn't want to end, and the reality that you're no longer #1 in his life. It's hard. But, we all go through this at some point. If you date and fall in love, you WILL get hurt at some point. Most of the people you will date in your life will not be compatible long-term partners for you. 

818 miles is quite a distance. That's a flight, not a car trip. Aside from the fact that emotional connection and intimacy will eventually die in physical absence, visiting each other is a logistical pain in the ass. Scheduling, plane tickets, getting rides to and from the airport, I mean, that's going to get expensive, unsustainable, and old real quick. Especially when one, or both, partners have opportunities to date someone who is physically there without the total circle-jerk of actually going to spend time with each other.  

I think he probably feels guilty for hurting you, he still has lingering affection for you, he misses you, he's also confused about what he wants and what his next steps forward are. You need to understand that dumping someone you still care about hurts too. If he was glad to finally move on from you, you wouldn't hear from him.

But, if you're saying that he invested little into the relationship compared to you, treated you like s***, and dumped you twice, then it sounds like you were a place-holder as he sought a more conventional/desirable relationship. He keeps trying to re-establish a dialogue with you despite the fact that he has a girlfriend and he knows it messes with your healing process, means he probably doesn't give a f--k about anyone but himself at this relatively early stage of his life. After all, he is very young. This is pretty normal behavior in relationships at age 21. Now, he can go to bars and clubs and explore nightlife. He's not ready for anything but that.  

I can't tell you what he's thinking or feeling. It's probably some guilt, some unwillingness to let go, some desire to keep you as a place-holder while he explores other relationships.

You know that this relationship needs to end, that this kid cannot be your boyfriend, or your friend. It hurts to accept that because the relationship made you happy, and now you've lost that source of happiness. Trying to maintain a friendship will stunt your healing and ability to move on. You need to go no contact, and if that means ignoring him because he won't respect your wishes to heal, then that's what you need to do. 
 

Give it time. It sounds hard to believe when you’re hurting, but the hurting will go away. You’ll have clarity about the relationship. You’re just out of the woods, so you can’t look back and see the whole forest yet. That will take time. But when you have that hindsight and clarity, you’ll know better about relationships and the types of people who will be good partners for you. This kid isn’t.

Edited January 19, 2020 by rjc149

[LunadelToro]

On 1/20/2020 at 1:03 AM, rjc149 said:

I know it's hard to accept the end of something you didn't want to end, and the reality that you're no longer #1 in his life. It's hard. But, we all go through this at some point. If you date and fall in love, you WILL get hurt at some point. Most of the people you will date in your life will not be compatible long-term partners for you. 

818 miles is quite a distance. That's a flight, not a car trip. Aside from the fact that emotional connection and intimacy will eventually die in physical absence, visiting each other is a logistical pain in the ass. Scheduling, plane tickets, getting rides to and from the airport, I mean, that's going to get expensive, unsustainable, and old real quick. Especially when one, or both, partners have opportunities to date someone who is physically there without the total circle-jerk of actually going to spend time with each other.  

I think he probably feels guilty for hurting you, he still has lingering affection for you, he misses you, he's also confused about what he wants and what his next steps forward are. You need to understand that dumping someone you still care about hurts too. If he was glad to finally move on from you, you wouldn't hear from him.

But, if you're saying that he invested little into the relationship compared to you, treated you like s***, and dumped you twice, then it sounds like you were a place-holder as he sought a more conventional/desirable relationship. He keeps trying to re-establish a dialogue with you despite the fact that he has a girlfriend and he knows it messes with your healing process, means he probably doesn't give a f--k about anyone but himself at this relatively early stage of his life. After all, he is very young. This is pretty normal behavior in relationships at age 21. Now, he can go to bars and clubs and explore nightlife. He's not ready for anything but that.  

I can't tell you what he's thinking or feeling. It's probably some guilt, some unwillingness to let go, some desire to keep you as a place-holder while he explores other relationships.

You know that this relationship needs to end, that this kid cannot be your boyfriend, or your friend. It hurts to accept that because the relationship made you happy, and now you've lost that source of happiness. Trying to maintain a friendship will stunt your healing and ability to move on. You need to go no contact, and if that means ignoring him because he won't respect your wishes to heal, then that's what you need to do. 
 

Give it time. It sounds hard to believe when you’re hurting, but the hurting will go away. You’ll have clarity about the relationship. You’re just out of the woods, so you can’t look back and see the whole forest yet. That will take time. But when you have that hindsight and clarity, you’ll know better about relationships and the types of people who will be good partners for you. This kid isn’t.

Hi rjc149,

Almost a month ago you wrote this for me. At that time I must admit that it was hard to digest, but I wanted to tell you, that you were right. About everything.

Right now it still hurts a little and I still cry sometimes, but now I can finally smile again and enjoy my life.

It turns out that he's still single until today. Now that i think about it, he's always the type to get stressed easily. I think he's confused about the direction of his life he's taking right now, and about what he actually wants for himself due to his family pressure. But I've chosen myself over him now, I've decided that I have to move on and heal.

I've blocked him everywhere. He still texts me once every week, telling me about his life and his problems in general even though I've asked for space a number of times.. He doesn't respect my wish though. Every time I blocked him he will find a new way to text me, saying "I'm sorry I can't give you space." It frustrates me to know that he's been sick, failing with his thesis, fought with his family etc. I really don't know why he's telling me all these things, though I've decided not to reply anymore. I love him still, but this is what he chose.

Thank you very much from the bottom of my heart :)