Tearing me apart - Do I stay or do I leave?

[SunsetParadise]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently experiencing a dilemma which is causing me mental anguish and I've no idea what to do, I could really do with some impartial advice as I'm not sure if I would severely deeply regret it if I broke up with my long-term partner and live to regret it, or whether I should keep fighting for the love in the hope that it will eventually get better.

I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 26, we have been together for over 4 years. She has a child from her previous partner who is now 7 years old, and lives with us. We get along perfectly and very rarely fall out or argue, we share many hobbies and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. I love the girl with all my heart and she’s helped me through some extremely dark times (mental health) and through many of my personal issues and demons. She loves the bones off me and that feeling is amazing and something I have never experienced before (she is my only long term partner that I've ever had).

There's only 1 problem, I say only but it is a massive problem and the problem which is causing me to be so unsure of whether to continue the relationship.. that is sex. Every time we have sex, she climaxes with no problem whereas I have only climaxed twice in the past 2 & half years. I know it's usually the other way round which is why this is quite unusual. It pains me to say it but for some bizarre reason, I don’t really get turned on by her anymore :( and I’m not sexually stimulated by her, despite the fact she is absolutely gorgeous, and many of my friends are highly complimentary and envious of me having such a stunning partner.

She has never initiated sex, and I must admit as difficult as it is but she is really a poor performer in the bedroom. Absolutely everything has to be dictated by me. Now, we have had the conversation and we have been to therapy and counselling twice, but she completely lacks the confidence and has such low-self esteem to be able to be confident enough to take any sort of responsibility in the bedroom. It's such a turn off now that I dread having sex, and feel really uncomfortable doing it and I make sure I make her climax as quickly as possible so that I have an excuse to end the sex session. We still have sex once or so a week, but it has got so bad that I completely dread it, and have done for a couple of years now.

I’m ashamed but I’ve cheated on my current girlfriend over a dozen times with over a dozen different women, due to having no gratification at home with my partner. As well as counselling, I’ve tried new positions, viagra, with and without condoms, lubricant, lights on/off, nothing has worked to get me turned on enough to climax when doing anything sexual with my girlfriend.

 

We’ve planned our house move, future wedding and much more together, and I honestly can’t imagine my future without her, but the sex situation is driving me mad and I can’t keep seeking one night stands to fulfil my sexual needs it’s not right and it’s making me depressed and I’m fed up of masturbating.

I have no problem climaxing or getting turned on when having one night stands, so it's not an issue on my behalf.

It feels like such a horrible reason to break up with someone who is essentially the closest person in my life because of literally one issue, but I’m exhausted trying to solve it and I don’t know what else I can do now as I feel like I've tried everything to make it work.

Any advice will be so much appreciated!

[lana-banana]

You should have asked this question a long time ago---namely, at the exact time you first considered cheating on her. Back then someone might have counseled you both to seek more therapy, explain to her that the sex issue is a dealbreaker for you, or to break up because sexual satisfaction is so important. These would all have been valid options.

But now we're here. You've already cheated on her countless times, exposing her to God knows what in the process, and you have the nerve to say you can't imagine a future without her? Buddy, you have already decided to put your sexual needs above your fidelity and her consent. It doesn't matter if having sex with her is worse than waterboarding; she still has the right to be treated with the dignity and respect you'd give to any thinking adults.

You have two mature choices: come totally clean, emphasize that you truly want to make it work, and go into counseling together, or to end it because you want different things. I would strongly suggest the latter. You can't commit to someone who doesn't excite you sexually and she deserves a guy with the decency to ask before he bangs an entire yoga class. My honest assessment is you have probably done far too much damage for her to forgive, and even if you hadn't, the ease with which you cheated makes me think this isn't a relationship worth saving. But it's not up to me.

"Try to make it work without telling her you've cheated repeatedly" is not an option. If she is so blindsided by your infidelity that she kicks you to the curb and sets all your stuff on fire, that is A) justified and B) something you should have thought of prior to cheating over a dozen times.

[elaine567]

Pack your bags and go. Literally or metaphorically.
You can't be in a relationship where you are dreading sex with your partner and where you cheat frequently in order to  be able to orgasm...
There is not only your gf here there is also a young child to take into consideration.
This is a sham relationship.
Own it and leave. Say nothing about the cheating as cheating will break her heart and destroy her self esteem for years to come.
Do not leave it till she finds out, when you have another child and one on the way, do it now and do it cleanly.
NO counselling will ever solve this. 
 

[pepperbird]

I'm sorry to say it, but I'm sensing a huge amount of trying to pass the buck in your post. You went to a counselor two times and it didn't; work? Of course it didn't work. It can take a long time. You've only been with her four years, and in that time, you've had enough space to meet, determine there is a sexual problem, try counseling, get a scrip for Viagra,  and a variety of other methods to bring the spark and you openly admit you've had at least twelve one night stands.

You love her because she's beautiful "arm candy' and maybe for other reasons that I'm not seeing in your post, but you can't stop cheating on her. Every time you do, you risk bringing home HIV, syphilis or some other STD not to mention the risk of connecting with a women who will want more than a one night stand and may be more than willing to hurt your wife (emotionally or even physically) to be with you. That doesn't sound very loving to me- one slip up maybe, but 12 or more? That's a conscious effort to engage in hurtful behavior, and I half wonder if it's not a little passive aggressive too.

Simply put, it's not right for you do ask her to assume the risk without even knowing it. Sit her down and be honest with her about what you've been doing. Anything less is completely selfish and speaks nothing of love for her at all. It would be all about covering your own behind.

 

[SunsetParadise]

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies.

Just to be clear, I have been up front and open about every occasion of infidelity, when I came clean 4 & half months ago. I vowed not to cheat again, and I have stuck to this, so I am currently not hiding anything. I also got tested at the sexual health clinic with her and we came back clear, so again I'm not presently hiding anything and there's nothing she doesn't currently know about.

Most/all of the replies have been surrounded by the lies, deceit and infidelity but we have got through that, and she knows I'm not enjoying the sex. Again, I have been up front and honest about this in recent months since coming clean about everything.

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in my opening post, but we both come from families that aren't very close with us, for various reasons such as alcoholism, and so we are literally the closest people to each other (apart from her son). We do everything together, and this is why it so painful that this issue is causing me to even consider breaking up with her. It would almost feel like I have lost my life - I need to know if there's another way.

I appreciate the comment about the therapy, with regards to not giving it enough time. We went to 4 sessions with one therapist, and then 2 sessions with another, but we didn't feel like we were getting much out of it so we sacked it off, we couldn't really afford it either.

Further comment and advice is much appreciated. Thank you again to those who have responded.

 

[Brennan72]

The only reason you are still in this relationships is because you are lazy and not able to take initiative.

You can't respect this woman, as she has a kid from a different father that you are stuck taking care of, and that you have little attraction for. She is "mom" with a baby-daddy, not a high-quality, future wife. This is harsh to say, but you KNOW it is true, so stop trying to explain it away, bury it emotionally, etc.

She is also from a seemingly bad family (alcoholism, etc.), as you might be. Doesn't matter that you guys get along--I get along with all my friends.

Mate, you need to get some self-respect, work on your individual mental health issues, get honest with yourself and others, work on your career, etc., and then find a quality woman. Marrying down (way down) to a woman you are not attracted to and who has massive issues is a recipe for disaster. You will be divorced within a few years.

Stop this runaway train now 

[FMW]

It's highly unlikely you can/will be faithful to her in the future, your issues haven't changed.  So unless you suddenly lose all interest in sex period, you are going to be tempted to go elsewhere again.  I don't see how things will change.  Once you lose attraction for someone it's almost impossible to get it back. I don't see much point in staying.   

  

 

[PinkFlamingo]

28 minutes ago, Brennan72 said:

The only reason you are still in this relationships is because you are lazy and not able to take initiative.

You can't respect this woman, as she has a kid from a different father that you are stuck taking care of, and that you have little attraction for. She is "mom" with a baby-daddy, not a high-quality, future wife. This is harsh to say, but you KNOW it is true, so stop trying to explain it away, bury it emotionally, etc.

She is also from a seemingly bad family (alcoholism, etc.), as you might be. Doesn't matter that you guys get along--I get along with all my friends.

Mate, you need to get some self-respect, work on your individual mental health issues, get honest with yourself and others, work on your career, etc., and then find a quality woman. Marrying down (way down) to a woman you are not attracted to and who has massive issues is a recipe for disaster. You will be divorced within a few years.

Stop this runaway train now 

Wow, the amount of prejudice here is appalling. You should be ashamed to talk like this. 

There could be many reasons why she is a single mom and plenty of people came from bad families and overcame the issues they encountered at home. Society hails the underdog and dishwasher who works his way up out of poverty, but when it's a woman from a bad family, then her destiny is sealed, right? 

[Brennan72]

19 minutes ago, PinkFlamingo said:

Wow, the amount of prejudice here is appalling. You should be ashamed to talk like this. 

There could be many reasons why she is a single mom and plenty of people came from bad families and overcame the issues they encountered at home. Society hails the underdog and dishwasher who works his way up out of poverty, but when it's a woman from a bad family, then her destiny is sealed, right? 

I am giving him advice he needs to hear.

he should be building his own life, not taking care of some other dude's kid. He can do better than this (unless there is something really wrong with him)

as for the bad family, people can overcome that for sure, but it is another red flag here 

[preraph]

It sounds more like you may have a problem with sex with intimacy.  Like you can't enjoy sex unless they are only a sex object and not someone who cares about you.  Like it's you who's not connecting.  Why does SHE need to be the one initiating?  Aren't you initiating with these women you cheat with?  Have you watched a lot of porn and maybe have unrealistic expectations?  

 

And also, most guys can get off with just basic sex, though of course, they would like to mix it up, but this is why I think you may have a problem with it because you do care about her and maybe now you feel too familial towards her, like she's more like a sister or something.  Just a thought.  

[DKT3]

We hear women cheating on their husbands and boyfriend use this excuse almost every time. For whatever reason the responses are different. 

There is something to be said about feeling desired by your partner.  But I'm confused,  if you dread sex and she never asks then you guys shouldn't be having any sex, right?

 

My replies stay consistent with men and women,  she isnt the problem,  your sex life, while not idea, isnt the problem.  You are the problem.  Tons of men out here that have less than idea sex lives and dont cheat. 

You say she has self esteem issues,  what are you doing to help that? 

[PinkFlamingo]

49 minutes ago, Brennan72 said:

I am giving him advice he needs to hear.

he should be building his own life, not taking care of some other dude's kid. He can do better than this (unless there is something really wrong with him)

as for the bad family, people can overcome that for sure, but it is another red flag here 

Taking care of some other dude's kid, that's bad? That would make him a lose and not a great dadr, right? You are also probably against adoption and foster kids? And you probably  call children who are born out of wedlock bastards?

And he is also from a bad family, yet deserves someone better than her? Would you also say that she deserves someone better than him?

[SunsetParadise]

22 minutes ago, preraph said:

It sounds more like you may have a problem with sex with intimacy.  Like you can't enjoy sex unless they are only a sex object and not someone who cares about you.  Like it's you who's not connecting.  Why does SHE need to be the one initiating?  Aren't you initiating with these women you cheat with?  Have you watched a lot of porn and maybe have unrealistic expectations?  

 

And also, most guys can get off with just basic sex, though of course, they would like to mix it up, but this is why I think you may have a problem with it because you do care about her and maybe now you feel too familial towards her, like she's more like a sister or something.  Just a thought.  

 

Hello Prepath,

You are the only person that has hit the nail on the head here - you are absolutely spot on and have put the words better than I could.

Everybody else is seemingly judging me for cheating without trying to help me with my problem.

 

- I have a problem with sex with intimacy.

- I only enjoy sex if I have no feelings towards the woman and see them as a sex object, yes you're right.

- My problem is that I do care about her, and yes I do see her as more a part of my family than someone I want to be having sex with.

 

Somewhat coincidently, the only other person I had sex 'multiple times' with, once I developed feelings beyond those of just wanting sex, I soon found I didn't enjoy the sex with her because I cared for her, and then I left her as a result, which left me heartbroken for a while (the only time I experienced heartbreak).

Thank you once more, and if you know any more about these issues please tell me more.

[HappySenior]

1 hour ago, Brennan72 said:

I am giving him advice he needs to hear.

he should be building his own life, not taking care of some other dude's kid. He can do better than this (unless there is something really wrong with him)

as for the bad family, people can overcome that for sure, but it is another red flag here 

Some of the most wonderful men I have ever met took care of another man's kid or kids.  My previous ex-husband helped me raise my kid and was such a good hard-working example.  So both my children (mine and ours) grew up with a great father, unlike my first kid's birth child. I came from a good family, but was basically unsupervised around the time I met my first husband in junior high. He abandoned us, so I was a single mum for a while until I met #2.  We divorced after 30 years but I would never ever fault him as a dad, because he was as good to my kid as if it were his own!

Good girls sometimes get pregnant before marriage, even ones from good families. It would be a bad thing socially if single moms never got to be with someone who could be a good father to her children. If you think there are lots of messed up people, think about how many more there would be if that were true. As it is, my kids are adults, productive and happy and I give a good deal of the credit to their "daddy", who only is the birth father to one of them.

Oh and that great daddy came from a alcoholic family. Sometimes it makes people more determined to do good and make it in life. We divorced but he is remarried and doing very well.

 

All that said, a cheater does not set a good example for children.

Edited December 29, 2019 by HappySenior
additional comment

[Piddy]

How about seeing a sex therapist?  You need to somehow learn how to reprogram your brain regarding sex.  If every girl you have feelings for develops into a sister type relationship then you are doomed to a life of loneliness.  It might take more than 2 sessions though.  But I would think someone who specializes in sexual problems could help here.

[preraph]

One issue that can contribute to the spouse feeling too familial is if either one of you have allowed the relationship to fall into a parent-child role. For example if one of you is always taking care of the other in a nurturing motherly way or even always advising the other what is best and kind of in charge, or one of you is real dependent on the other, it's pretty easy to fall into a parent-child relationship, which is a sex killer every time. 

 

At this point if that is a factor, it might be out of your control to change the dynamic, but you can talk to her about it and see if you could make some changes and see if that would help or if it's just too late. 

[mark clemson]

Yeah, IF you decide to stay with this, consider finding a therapist who genuinely specializes in sexual issues.

It sound like you may have some sort of unusual fetish with the no emotions thing. Perhaps there is a way to explore that in the bedroom but keep it out of the rest of your lives. Some people who do BDSM do some pretty extreme things in the bedroom, but then are "normal" and indeed loving the rest of the time. Every couple is unique. Not exactly sure how this would be accomplished, but honestly I don't fully understand whatever is driving this, so that would be for the sex therapist to figure out. 

If that doesn't work out, well I must say "dreading" sex with your partner is no way to go through life, no matter how much one might care for them.

[stillafool]

I say break up immediately because it will not get better.  No amount of counseling is going to help your sex life with this woman as you just aren't compatible.  Unfortunately a lot of really gorgeous people aren't that great in bed because frankly they don't have to be because people just like looking at them and get off on that alone.   You would be nuts to marry her because you will end up cheating to have your desires filled.  Don't do that to her or yourself, just let her go.

[2BGoodAgain]

i honestly don't think you're in love her. I think you care about her, I think you like her a lot. I think you needed her, or still need her. I think you needed her at one point; may still do, but marrying someone out of obligation or b/c of how they make you feel, isn't the right reason to marry someone. 

the actual person does matter.

You feel you cheated on her, b/c sex is really important to you. I'm glad you came clean with her. But sex is just the symptom, not the actual reason, most of the time. You should find out the real reason why, within you. B/c turn ons, isn't just about sex. it's something deeper, or it should be... sex is just the final outcome/result of that connection you feel with that person. 

B/c when you're in love with someone, sex isn't great b/c they are great in bed... that's just one component. b/c rule#1: there will always be someone better at something than the person you're with. If being in love was based on whatever characteristic you prioritize, then you'll fall for the next person who is better than the person you're with.

Being in love with someone, means you take everything they are... and the total sum, is greater than any other cons... so for you to place sex/sex chemistry/sexual connection to be worth cheating someone you're in love with.. means you're not truly appreciating the person you're supposedly in love with. You can make a mistake, in cheating... it happens, no one is perfect. But even after the cheating, you're finding yourself deeply, deeply dissatisfied b/c you feel sexual connection/sex is the pinnacle of what you consider important in a relationship.

Don't get me wrong, for many sex is important... but for it to be the make or break.. then at the very least, this woman isn't the person for you. But I honestly think you have bigger issues within you, then what is occupying your thoughts at the moment.  

Sex isn't the issue; something within you that values sex above any of the qualities the woman brings to the tables... is. 

Good luck to you and like many above, you should end your relationship with this woman until either YOU appreciate her for all that she is, or you figure out why sex trumps everything in your life. B/c right now, you really aren't in love with this woman and you're just a parasite sucking up her love, time, her life...  wasting her time, that she could spend getting over you and finding someone who'll truly appreciate her for who and what she is.

 

 

 

 

[FMW]

16 hours ago, SunsetParadise said:

Somewhat coincidently, the only other person I had sex 'multiple times' with, once I developed feelings beyond those of just wanting sex, I soon found I didn't enjoy the sex with her because I cared for her, and then I left her as a result, which left me heartbroken for a while (the only time I experienced heartbreak).

Well, I think you found your own answer.  I don't think what you describe is a coincidence - it's a big clue about what the issue might be.  So If you're interested in saving the relationship go talk to someone about that "coincidence".   

[lana-banana]

23 hours ago, SunsetParadise said:

Everybody else is seemingly judging me for cheating without trying to help me with my problem.

Not many people are "trying to help" you because there's not much to help. You have almost certainly destroyed your relationship far beyond the point of repair. There is no answer to "what should I do?" that doesn't involve letting your hopefully-immediately-to-be-ex rebuild her life with someone who will treat her right.

Everyone else is judging you because you essentially blamed your partner for your cheating: you said she sucked at sex, therefore you were justified in having one-night stands over and over. Now you've decided that in fact you're the one with the problem and you should be in therapy. Maybe you should have considered that before you cheated. As it is, your total lack of empathy for your poor girlfriend is so galling I wish I could end the relationship myself. You've disrespected and humiliated her, even put her health at risk, and now you're mad that internet strangers aren't being nice to you. It's like pathological selfishness.

[stillafool]

We did try to help you with your problem, we suggest you break up and find a girl you're sexually compatible with as this one will not get better.

[Mr. Lucky]

On 12/29/2019 at 1:17 PM, SunsetParadise said:

- I have a problem with sex with intimacy.

- I only enjoy sex if I have no feelings towards the woman and see them as a sex object, yes you're right.

Wouldn't her inability to engage sexually with you be at least partly a reaction to this?  No greater turn on than a partner that's into you, no quicker turn off than detachment and lack of passion.

A short answer would be that you'd be much better off single while you figure these things out...

Mr. lucky

[bachdude]

OP, how much porn do you watch? I'm serious. How many times per week?