Is my future marriage Doomed? I feel like it is already...

[rockandrollfanatic]

I don't know, but something tells me, I may

be in for a doomed marriage... I'm having some doubts..

 

I'm 28, she's 25...been together 5 years and i asked her

to marry me last year, she said yes...I love her, i have fun

with her, we're one of those 24/7 kinda couples, so we get

along like best friends, but in love too.

 

Here's a few things that worry me...

-She lacks any sort of good communication

skills...hates talking about ANYTHING of a serious matter, re: "us".

-She also NEVER wants to talk about anything pertaining to

her Future Goals, Career plans, because she has none. So,

to talk about it, will only make her feel crappy, so she avoids it.

-She's very anti-social, has trouble standing up for herself

-She can be very lazy and not get anything done, not pay her bills on time.

-She's VERY self-concious

 

Now, i fell in love with the person, the shy/quiet girl who loved

art and cool music and loved the brighter side of things in life.

Plus she is very cute and i find her attractive, physically, as well

as inside. But i feel like i've grown over the years, but she hasn't.

In fact, i feel like she's gotten worse.

 

It bugs me that she avoids many situations.. she ocassionally won't call people back who call her. Work friends will ask her out to lunch, she won't go cuz she says she'll be uncomfortable. She has no hobbies, just goes

on the computer or watches TV. I feel like she always looks to ME

to see what were doing that night or on the weekend. She hates her low

paying job, but won't go out to look for a new one. I feel like i'm the

only thing that she does...meaning..i'm(and the wedding) the only thing she's got going on..What about when the wedding is over?

 

All the her little quirks, never bothered me before, but they

are starting to bother me NOW. Her mother (and her sister) are

both depressives. I see my girl walking in the same footsteps as

her mother, who is exactly the same way...Never did anything in

life(even though she wanted to) constantly worries about her looks,

can't go out in public much, won't call people back or at least TRY to

be social..

 

I mean, she won't even call my mom back(her future mother-in-law) who's been nothing but nice to her, to thank her for a present or a card, or to thank her for the Airline tickets she's sending us to go visit the family

this christmas...It bugs me and i'm getting fed up, yet, I don't

want to hurt her, because, i've never hurt her before and I

know that if I bring this stuff up, she's going to get really

defensive, not want to talk about and most likely Cry,

because, that's how she is..

 

what do i do?

[Firebird]

Wow! and you've been dating this girl for 5 years? You just said some really mean things about her, if she were to read this yes you would be hurt. I felt bad just reading it but it kind of reminded me of myself. I think I go through phases sometimes I get really busy with work,friends and other stuff but sometimes I just shut down and I won't return anybodies calls back it's weird but is your fiance kind of like this? Do you think maybe she is depressed it's not normal to want to do nothing all the time but she can only come out of that shell is she wants to. Have you at least hinted to her about you feel?

[rockandrollfanatic]

well, i should have prefaced...

 

I'm a very easy going, nurturing, loving,

caring guy. And i'm not tootin' my own horn,

but i have done a LOT of things for her, supported

her, taken care of her...etc. I've always been careful

and caring when approaching her with things..I'm not

perfect, i know everyone has quirks, but hers seem

like they are getting worse, and i feel she should outgrow

them a little.

 

I've always been encouraging and supportive and

tried to help her with her fears and tried to get her

to be more Outgoing(because she's admitted she'd like

to be)...but she just never seems to want to change.

Her answer is always: This is the way I am, you knew that

when you asked me to be your girl.

 

She's not a horrible person. I don't despise being around her,

i don't hate her, I just wish she'd change a few things

about herself. But yeah, only WE can change ourselves,

you cant force another person to change. But we can be

supportive, and i've always been that. But you

can only do it so much, before you start losing gas...

I try and try to be encouraging, but it just falls on deaf

ears...It's like Telling your husband or wife "You are so

beautiful", but it won't get thru to them unless someone

else says it. Maybe my words have no affect, anymore.

 

She's always been a bit on the depressed side, all her life

she says...Sometimes i even wonder if i'm what she truly wants

or if she's just with me to not be lonely. Because honestly,

she has no friends and no real "close" family.

[hooghie]

your relationship sounds similar to me and my ex husband. I always thought he would change, but a person's core doesn't change.

 

You need to figure out whether or not you will be happy for the rest of your life if she stays exactly how she is now. Can you picture yourself having kids with her/grow old with her/having fun with her, etc.

 

Whatever you do, don't get married just because you have been with her for so long and it's comfortable.

[slubberdegullion]

Marriage, like money, doesn't change a person; it only makes them more of what they really are.

 

If you're prepared for those negative aspects of her personality to get more intense, then by all means marry her. But if they bug you just a little bit now, they'll be unbearable after a couple of years of marriage.

 

So either you and her fix this together, or - sad to say, but it's very likely - the marriage will be doomed before it starts.

[westernxer]

Don't stick around because you feel sorry for her. That's all I'm gonna say.

[Mary3]

Here's a few things that worry me...

-She lacks any sort of good communication

skills...hates talking about ANYTHING of a serious matter, re: "us".

-She also NEVER wants to talk about anything pertaining to

her Future Goals, Career plans, because she has none. So,

to talk about it, will only make her feel crappy, so she avoids it.

-She's very anti-social, has trouble standing up for herself

-She can be very lazy and not get anything done, not pay her bills on time.

-She's VERY self-concious

 

This means trouble later. Do you magically think she will be a great communicator later ? Do you think she will suddenly get many friends and be energetic and not lazy and feel good about herself overnite ?

 

I would NOT marry her. You intesify this stuff 10 times more when shes brooding in the bedroom whining for you to stick around, crying about her low paying job and picking at her face.

 

That sounded mean. Just wanted you to know it gets worse before it gets better.

[Outcast]

You are smart to be rethinking the marriage. It's unfortunate that you've gone out with someone so lacking in important relationship skills for so long but I agree that disaster looms if you marry. You will have to endure the breakup but it will be better for you both to move on.

 

True nobody's perfect, but you should not settle for a level of imperfection which presents this many problems. People should marry their intellectual and emotional equals - you two are not well matched; you are able to conduct a full social life where she cannot. You have at least some desire to make a career for yourself and she doesn't even have that. She may be depressed, but there's more going on than that.

 

I understand you find many good points about her that make you want to help her and take care of her, but that will wear you out before you see any improvement on her part, unfortunately. It's a sad fact of life that some people who have some great qualities also have some serious flaws and you have to realize that the relationship will not last because of those flaws.

[RecordProducer]

If you have loved each other and got along great for 5 years then you have good chances to have a happy marriage. Everyone has faults. Don't think that other women are perfect. Help her find motivation to pursue her career or new hobbies. She wants a leader so lead her.

Only you know whether you can put up with her faults or not. When you really love someone despite of their faults, you will be happy. Love and happiness in marriage isn't about flawless partners.

 

P.S. Are you the guy who posted about this problem a few months ago?

[ReluctantRomeo]

I understand the advice given on your incompatibilities, but I only half agree with it.

 

First, you have been together 5 years. You don't just walk without one last, really determined shot at trying to sort things out. It might work. And if it doesn't work, you know you've tried your best and can walk away with confidence. You won't be wondering in 10 years time if it could have worked.

 

Secondly, I hear 2 sets of problems here - one about her, one about you bottling things up, not bringing them up with her and not being able to set the scene for a constructive discussion when she is emotional. Trust me, this latter is a key skill if you want to continue to have relationships with women: you move on to a new relationship without trying to practise this, it will follow you.

 

So I suggest you sit down and make a list of what is bugging you. Not a long and vague list to bash her with, but 2-3 specific points with a couple of recent specific examples. Get out a book on assertiveness, if you need to.

 

Choose the main point and the main point only. The biggest, worst single thing. Let's assume for the sake of argument that it's the laziness. Pick a couple of examples of this. Sit her down and explain your feelings. How much it bugged you to have to chase her to pay bill x. How frustrated you were. Say you love her but this is really killing you.

 

Now here is the crucial moment. Her reaction. She will cry, of course. But the crucial question is if, over the course of the evening, or the next 24-48 hours, you can come to some kind of constructive agreement which involves her learning to be less lazy. Be kind but firm - don't let her off the hook. Repeat that this matters to you.

 

If you can sort this biggest issue out, the next 1-2 will follow naturally over the coming weeks and months.

 

I give it a 50/50 chance of working. But it's a win/win situation - on the one hand, you may sort things out. On the other, if she sits there and manipulates, whines etc and doesn't take you seriously, you'll know why you left.

[lindya]

First, you have been together 5 years. You don't just walk without one last, really determined shot at trying to sort things out. It might work. And if it doesn't work, you know you've tried your best and can walk away with confidence. You won't be wondering in 10 years time if it could have worked.

 

Choose the main point and the main point only. The biggest, worst single thing. Let's assume for the sake of argument that it's the laziness. Pick a couple of examples of this. Sit her down and explain your feelings. How much it bugged you to have to chase her to pay bill x. How frustrated you were. Say you love her but this is really killing you.

 

Now here is the crucial moment. Her reaction. She will cry, of course. But the crucial question is if, over the course of the evening, or the next 24-48 hours, you can come to some kind of constructive agreement which involves her learning to be less lazy. Be kind but firm - don't let her off the hook. Repeat that this matters to you.

 

100% agree with this.

 

rockinroll - that's quite a list you've got there about your girlfriend's negative qualities! It's the sort of list that people sometimes come up with when they've been bottling concerns up for a while.

 

I think the talk RR is suggesting you have with your girl is overdue. Sometimes these conversations get left too late - ie left until that stage where, in all honesty, a cut and dried decision has already been made and will be delivered under the guise of "a talk".

 

If you are going to leave this girl, then obviously you want to do all you can to avoid leaving behind you an emotional wreck who's goint to spend the next 2 years crucifying herself with the belief that her whole personality is nothing more than a long list of flaws and weaknesses. Is she really as introverted as you say? Sometimes people put their partners in a box a little bit. Develop a view of them that isn't necessarily 100% accurate. It can be very hard to make a really objective and fair assessment of someone you're that close to - especially if you're already being haunted by some of the fears and insecurities most people have about making a commitment.

 

Before you have that talk with her, it might be an idea to think about what's happening in your life just now. Make sure that you aren't unfairly projecting any problems you're having in other areas of your life onto her. Most of all, go in with an open mind...prepared to have real communication by actively listening to and considering what she says, as well as just telling her what's on your mind. I hope things work out.

[ReluctantRomeo]

that's quite a list you've got there about your girlfriend's negative qualities! It's the sort of list that people sometimes come up with when they've been bottling concerns up for a while.

 

Exactly.

 

 

Sometimes these conversations get left too late - ie left until that stage where, in all honesty, a cut and dried decision has already been made and will be delivered under the guise of "a talk".

 

Yes.

 

 

Most of all, go in with an open mind...prepared to have real communication by actively listening to and considering what she says, as well as just telling her what's on your mind.

 

And yes again...

[Cecelius]

Whether you stay with her or not, do NOT get married to her.

 

2-3 years down the line you will have to add "economic pit" to your list.

 

She may be a great person in an easy going, kind type of way, but she will not pull her weight long term in the relationship. And if you have kids, you are doomed.

[Firebird]

Your gf sounds just like me and it's hard to open up to people I think the reason I shut people out if because I have a mother who consistly told me that there are no friends and that why I don't have any, I've tried to have a few but there always so disappointing so I keep to myself and my bf my life right now is all about my bf. I go to my low paying job that I complain about all the time but won't change then I go home have dinner with my bf and then workout , watch some TV and then I go to bed thats every single day for me. After a while we get really use to being this way it's what works for us there's very few times I say to myself I wish I had friends. Do you think maybe your getting cold feet because if this is how she has always been why is it bothering you so much??? What about you? what has changed for you in the past 5 years of your relationship? what are your goals?

[rockandrollfanatic]

Just so you all know, i'm not here to say "Hey,

look at all the crap i've had to put up with in this

relationship...poor me." I just want to get some

perspective. We don't hang out with mutual friends much,

nor does anyone know our business. I don't talk about

this to anyone at all.

 

Most of you are right. I do bottle things up. I just

hate to hurt her because, i care about her, she's like

my best friend. And yes, I should take a look at my own

life, before i go nitpicking. I have looked at my own life.

I'm not perfect, i have flaws, but all in all, i've been a

supportive, caring gentleman to her. But as much time as we've

been together and As much as I've told her that I

"Love her" and as much encouragement that i've given

her...She's barely changed at all...She'll turn

into a silent little kid, when serious issues we need to talk about

come up.

 

 

She's not this moping zombie who does nothing. She can be loud

and jump around and be silly and we can talk for days about certain

things go out to the country, go to a concert and have

tons of fun, but whenever it comes to talking about $$$ or Bills or

relationship things or her own career, it's like I just dumped a

big pile of coal all over our sunshine day. She avoids

so many things...and eventually i end up thinking "well, it's not

that bad i guess, she'll grow out of it and we've been together

so long and we get along so well ...i'm being foolish...."

 

 

incidentally. we broke up twice in past. It was her request. She

left me to "find herself"...And when she didn't find anything out

or accomplish anything, she came back. And I took her back, because

i love her and i missed her. I wonder sometimes, if maybe we should

have parted for longer, so she could figure some stuff out.

 

 

Anyway, all i'm saying is...I would like for this to work and I'm

willing to give it a Very Hard Try. I want to put things out on the

table and have an important, but caring talk with her. I do have fun

with her, i'd just like us to both have an understanding of what

SHE needs from me and what I need from her, in this relationship.

 

I thank you all for the advice and the comments and the guidance..

You've been a great help...I won't forget it.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I thank you all for the advice and the comments and the guidance..

You've been a great help...I won't forget it.

 

Our pleasure! We're glad to have helped give perspective.

 

Good luck! And tell us how it goes...

[New_Wife]

Premarital counseling. That will flesh out whatever can be, and help you figure out if it's even salvagable.

 

Okay, and so you asked her to marry you. So? You've been together 5 years, what's a few more? Make sure you're ready before you do it. Get some of these issues worked out or compromised. If you can't, getting married would be a shame.

[Mary3]

Marraige is a union of the minds. Its a legal and binding agreement . Its when her driving record becomes yours. Its when her credit score becomes yours. Its alot. Its supposed to be forever but considering the divorce rate of over 60% , it might be wise to just live with her for 6 months and see how she pays bills and handles alot of things. I still stand by do NOT marry her ( yet )

 

Here's a few things that worry me...

-She lacks any sort of good communication

skills...hates talking about ANYTHING of a serious matter, re: "us".

-She also NEVER wants to talk about anything pertaining to

her Future Goals, Career plans, because she has none. So,

to talk about it, will only make her feel crappy, so she avoids it.

-She's very anti-social, has trouble standing up for herself

-She can be very lazy and not get anything done, not pay her bills on time.

-She's VERY self-concious

-------------------

I married someone very much like this. Add alcohol to the equasion. ( Yes I am divorced and love my life now

 

No , they dont communicate just because you walked down the aisle.

 

Good communication takes practice so carrying a bouquet of flowers and slurping on wedding cake won't make her open up to you.

 

Do this BEFORE you say * I do *

 

She has no goals and as many as you put in front of her won't make a light go off and she will say " Oh Hey ,Yea thats a great idea " ! Those goals have to come from HER.

 

Goal orientated people such as yourself are usually born that way.

 

People who dont have big goals...well they just don't ~and to them , its not as important as it is to YOU.

 

Does that bother you that she has no GOALS ? Seriously ??

 

Anti-social behavior is LEARNED behaviour whether she was tormented as a child or made fun of , or had uncaring parents , or kids chastised her. Thats a part of her social makeup. She learned she was not socially acceptable and shyed away from social interaction.

 

Sure she can get counseling but to make her be popular Juila Roberts in a crowded party room on a Hot Hollywood Night is NOT going to happen. Some people are just socially retarded. ( Socially disabled ? )

 

Lazy is Lazy. They have no motivation. Go ahead and keep picking up her dirty socks. She is not going to change being LAZY unless you insist she pick up her fair share. Period. ( or whatever her lazy-ness ways are ...)

 

Self conscious : Once again goes back to when she was a child. She is self conscious and that won't change without counseling.

 

But really, are all of these things worth your time ? If they are, you have alot of work.

 

And NO they don't magically change.

 

Please heed that advice before you carry her into the Limo and break open a bottle of Champange on your wedding night.

 

She needs some help before she becomes Mrs. _______

[Outcast]

I was assuming, since you said that she refused to communicate or have serious talks, that she would not be willing to have a discussion of these issues with you. If I misunderstood, then I apologize. I always think people should try as hard as they can to get relationships to work, however if the other individual refuses to communicate, then it's trying to relate to a brick wall - destined to be nothing more than painful.