I havent been me for a long time. How to find back my self?

[wtm78]

Do you ever have that feeling that you have so much you want to say but when you sit down and want to write them down, there was nothing?

The nights were strangely the easier part of the day for me. Perhaps I have gotten used to the loneliness at night. It's all quiet and serene.

I cant sleep at night. I havent been able to sleep for the past 2 years since the "issues" started. I had to distract myself with netflix and social media until i snooze off. That had been my way of coping the last 2 years.. 

But I cant stay asleep for long too. Would be waiting up 3.30-4am at night grasping for more air. Some say that waking up at that time has something to with the issues of the heart. Perhaps there could be some truth to it.. 

Then come morning and my Morning are the worst. Can barely get out of bed. The rest of the day is hard. It would have been easier if I had a lot of brainless, mundane stuff to do at work. I could have just cruise through the day. But I could be down with adrenal fatigue, because dealing with difficult people and situations use to be a challenge I take on. But now it just seems so overwhelming. 

I havent been me for a long time. I guess I have lost myself. I have been wondering lately, who am i? What am i doing? What am i to do now? Where am I heading? How should i be going there? 

There are a lot of questions in my head. My chest feels constricted, breathing is shallow. Heartbeat is fast, and occasionally  feeling tightening in my heart. Am I going to have a heart attack? 

How can I find myself back? 

 

[Beachead]

Hey wtm78,

Those feelings you're describing are very familiar to me.  What event or sequence of events do you feel brought about these changes in you?  

- Beach

Edited December 29, 2019 by Beachead

[Veronica73]

Wtm78, I’ve been going through something VERY similar. In fact so similar it is eerie. It”s been a really hard year and a half for me. I don’t know how to answer your question, but for me, I know I need to make some changes in my life. 

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

Edited December 29, 2019 by Veronica73

[wtm78]

5 hours ago, Beachead said:

Hey wtm78,

Those feelings you're describing are very familiar to me.  What event or sequence of events do you feel brought about these changes in you?  

- Beach

I think there series of events... Got married 2 years ago, I was transferred to a totally new department a total new job scope. her portfolio was changed too. had to fly a lot. we dont even have time to stabilise our marriage. let alone settle our differences.. my new work place was a disaster, marriage was rocky. wife is stubborn, highly emotional, highly sensitive, and she will threaten me with suicide, does self harm, cry and shut down and doesnt want to talk about things even after crying say the next day. then she will fly for 1 week. come back work late every night to debrief the boss, and work late to prepare for the next week trip... its HELL! she will drop all responsibility at home, to tend to her work, her mom's chores, her sister's kids, her meetings with her friends, having fun etc... before marriage when we were dating, she made me her number 1. she would travel from from west to the east to meet me every morning for breakfast, she would ask me out and watch a movie at 3am just to hang a little longer with me... and once after we got married.. within the first week... every thing changed... 

when i approached her to talk about things, even the slightest thing like, the toast is burnt, what she hear is "you are blaming me, you dont love me, i am fat and ugly"...  tension builds up. i suggested to go counselling.. she claims to agree to counselling. but she doesnt talk at the sessions. just cry and cry. then stops going. then she admitted she doesnt want to talk to a stranger. then i said let's talk to a friend, your sis, your mom, whoever that you are comfortable with. she said no to all. she wants to settle the issues ourselves. but its the point that we are not able to settle our differences and need a mediator.. she just refused. 

at the same time, my workplace was hell. people dont treat people like people.. and i hated what i was doing.. to be frank i was so stressed out at home i could not cope with the difficult people at work.. then i had an opportunity and i took it. i became an entrepreneur to follow my dreams... but it wasnt easy.. from a well salaried job, now i had to look for sales.. it was stressful...  but dealing with wife made it more difficult than it already was... now i am thinking if i can keep this up or should i go back to a salaried job... 

then things went from bad to worst at home, my dad had a stroke, my grandma was in severe depression. and this wife of mine, is working hard, flying around, doing her yoga all her rest time, helping her mom's chores because her mom is helping her bro chores, when her brother's is not working and they have 2 helpers! helping her sister's kids... while i had to deal with my home, my grandma, and dad by myself.. to be fair to her.. she went to visit them, but i am just pissed at how passive she was.. its like i married into her family and i dont like that... 

my grandma was severely depressed partly due to the knowledge of my horrific marriage... now i cant even go see her. the rest of the family blamed me for it.. 

i been separated from wife 6 months physically. i stopped talking to her 2months ago, because nothing change during the separation... i texted her today as its going to be a new year, i talk maybe let's have a chat to end the year right.. but i just somehow feel that nothing changed.. i lose power when i contacted her.. then she would want what she wants the way she wants it.. (is this too abstract?).. i always used to tell her that i have taken 99 steps towards you, but you refuse to take even 1 step? to me it feels like power play... whether she did it consciously or not. there is always this struggle i have with her..

so why did i marry her?? i dont know... i feel like i was conned into the marriage. because during dating, she was a "can-do" person.. anything we decide is so easy, lets do it.. now its like taking the bull at its horns all the time... she used to be the person who says "i want to used all my love to melt your heart". now she is  "i am just a girl, who wants some love from the husband. why dont you love me in the way that i want to be love"

i really hated myself for dating, and marrying this person.. with all my heart, i just wanted to make things work.. but it was just so destructive and difficult... 

[scooby-philly]

@wtm78

My friend, this is a lot to unpack. The first red-flag question I have is how long were you two dating before you got married? Knowing this is a one-sided discussion without the insights from her viewpoint, if what you describe is true this person lacks boundaries with work and family. It sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, who she is, or the type of life she wants. People just can't change your job around without your willingness to accept it. It may not always be easy but if a person can't say no to a switch in jobs for a good reason - financial, etc. - then they need to work on a plan for finding something new by a certain date. Furthermore, a lot of unhealthy people are good as masquerading for the first 3-6 months. But then even if the "dam" doesn't burst due to something, you should be able to start picking up the signs that point to a major (or a multiple "medium") issue(s) underneath. I know one of my exes was pretty much a certifiable socio/psychopath. (To the point that other people thought she was crazy). The first 3 months were fine but as time wore on - her anger, her instability, her lies all came out. So I wonder did you rush into marriage too quickly so that the signs didn't pop out, or did they pop out and you just ignored them.

Compound that with a lot of your own issues/problems. At this point, I would just focus on yourself for the next 3-6 months and decide where to go from there. You can't help people who don't want to be helped. So get yourself straightened out and if she still refuses help and things haven't drastically improved, it may be time to cut the cord. And to be honest, judging from what you shared it sounds like she's not hit rock bottom enough emotionally to want to change - even for her own sake, let along your marriage. If you didn't rush into the marriage and you can legit say there weren't major signs of these issues before you got hitched, then you still (and this is even more important if one or two of those things is true) need to do some work on understanding yourself more and the kind of person you attract and are attracted to - and what you want out of life and a relationship. There's something to be said about being firm and not budging. Don't concern yourself with being the "nice guy". The "nice guy" is to a damaged woman what the "enabler" or "nice girl" is to a bad boy. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy without someone first.

[andytuotuo]

I have been having very similar issue even since she said she doesn’t like me anymore. 
Sleep is crap as it is so difficult to fall asleep despite my tiredness. Wake up every night around 3,4 o’clock just having thoughts of her rushing into my head and keep me up. It’s almost like an anxiety attack. Then I would be on my phone for a while. Listen to some podcast or whatever and fall back to sleep. Since I’m only getting like 5,6 hours sleep hours every night, I’m extremely tired during my day and really taking a toll on me. I can’t get her off my mind and spending all day having her in my head. It is soo hard. I don’t know what to do.