What if...

[Sweetpotato22]

Hi everyone, 

Bit of context. I’m a 27 year old woman who has been with my 30 year old boyfriend for 5 years now. 

I do love him, he’s kind and caring and funny and handsome. He’s hardworking and always treats me with respect. We have had a great time together for 5 years, and have lots of happy memories together.  But there are some major differences in how we were raised- and his values don’t always align with mine. I come from a very close knit and ‘full on’ family- while he barely speaks to his. He finds family events awkward and often doesn’t really want to attend or can be a bit ‘stand-offish’ when there. He never pays any attention to my niece and nephew- I had visions of him reading them stories- but he never even touches or looks at them.

We sometimes talk about marriage, and although he used to say it wasn’t something he wanted to do ever he seems to be coming round to the idea. But strangely, the more we talk about it the more doubts I feel. Like what if there is someone more suited to me out there? I’m a big reader of romance novels, and while I know they aren’t real life- my partner isn’t at all romantic, and I can’t help longing for a bit more of that sort of relationship. I just can’t shake the feeling that what if there is someone else. But then equally what if there never is and I lose someone who is decent and loving.

He and I have been together 5 years now and are just about to buy our first house. We have been living with my parents for the past year to save money and I don’t know if my doubts come from this slightly tricky year or if I should pay them attention and think carefully about the future. 

So yeah. To summarise I love him, but I’m worried I’m missing out on a big romantic love. But then if o leave what I have I’m scared of never meeting anyone else- I am 27 and want to start having children soon so don’t have the luxury of lots of time. I’m also not super gorgeous, and am overweight, so it seems arrogant to think I could end up with the sort of characters I imagine from my books....

advice much appreciated! I know I sound naive and stupid- I just can’t shake this feeling. It’s been months now...

Edited December 29, 2019 by Sweetpotato22
Missed stuff out

[stillafool]

Don't screw up a good thing by reaching for the clouds.  However if you aren't in love don't marry.

[kiwistwbry]

I can see why you’re questioning things, and it’s not because you’re “reaching for the clouds,” which seems to insinuate that you’re out of touch with reality. 
 

When it comes to finding a life-long partner, it’s key to have the same values and long-term goals, which you already mentioned and are aware of.

For me personally, I do not have a positive dynamic with my family. We have get-togethers, but I am very much estranged from them. With that being said, if I ever did start dating someone (7 yrs single), and they were very close to their family, it would feel completely foreign to me. Maybe this is a conversation you guys could have, without putting any kind of blame on either side. Just an open minded talk to see what’s going on. 
 

Also, is he pretty quiet and closed off around all people and situations, or is it just at family gatherings? Because then my next question would be whether he is introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in between?

 

I can see why you’re feeling pressure when it comes to starting a family. Men don’t have a time clock like us women have, so they’re able to take their time when it comes to this topic. Have you guys had a talk about each other’s current goals? Is he trying to get a better job, or possibly move up to a higher position within his company? Does he ever talk about wanting to save money, etc?

A lot of men want to make sure they have everything in place before starting a family, since it’s the financial aspect that they always feel pressure with, even if their partner is working as well. Have you guys talked about if you want to have kids, whether or not you would want to stay home and discontinue working? If so, that could be something he’s thinking about too.

 

If it were me, I would have some of these talks to get a sense of where he is, and to let him know where you are. No pressure, just relaxed conversations to get more knowledge, and maybe bounce ideas off each other as well.

Besides this, it sounds like you guys are doing well with everything else, so I would definitely try to make it work somehow. But if it seems like you can’t come to an agreement when it comes to having children, then you’ll have to decide if that’s a deal-breaker for you or not, which it’s sounding like it could very well be.

 

I would also like to note that a lot of men probably don’t think of starting a family until they’re at least in their mid-30’s. The fact that you’re a few years younger than him is a good thing, and will probably help you out in the long run, if he’s still needing a few more years.

Edited December 29, 2019 by kiwistwbry

[Super Phantom]

That biological urge for hypergamy has kicked in 😂😂

[mark clemson]

You'll have to think about whether is misalignments are deal breakers for you or not.

My understanding is that "settling" for pretty good is how many families get made. That said, there are also many unhappy and disconnected married couples out there and no doubt part of that is low compatibility. Of course, people are moving targets and you both change over time, so people who truly feel "perfect" for each other at 25 sometimes end up divorcing or severely alienated at 35. Spouses sometimes also pull things like announcing they really want to move to Alaska or deciding they want to explore bisexuality, etc, etc. One just never knows.

So, I probably haven't made this any easier for you, but I think the point is you really need to sit down and think through whether this is what you want and who you want to start a family with. It sounds like you have some doubts, but there are always some doubts, and sometimes when there aren't any doubts there actually should have been some.