Rainbowx Posted December 29, 2019 Share Posted December 29, 2019 So I’ve developed a profound intellectual connection with a friend the past few weeks. We’ve been chatting basically nonstop and have discovered that we have a scary amount in common in regards to interests and hobbies, we can have nerdy talks about awesome stuff for hours on end, and love the time we spend together. We have the same values in life and can talk endlessly about things in that genre as well. Ive been noticing that he’s been starting to change certain priorities to ensure that we get to spend time together and he puts effort into making sure that I’m comfortable around him as I can get a bit anxious. So yesterday I let my emotions get the better of me and I messaged him saying **** it, I’ll just explain myself. I feel like we’re way closer than two friends ordinarily would be, and I keep putting myself out there and I’m not 100% sure what you think of me. If it would be better that I took a step back I can do that. Just in this short time getting to know you we have so much awesomeness in common and enough difference to make it even better. You’ve been such a great friend that it’s no surprise I feel like this, and either way I don’t want to lose you as a friend so that’s why I get anxious that I’d say something too clingy that would push you away he replied with Honestly i do like you as well and atm i dont know what this is or what will come from it i care for you alot thats one thing i do know. Maybe not the answer you wanted but like i said the last thing i want to do is hurt you. So I said I’m happy just to take it easy and carry on as per normal and that it’s easier knowing where I stand. So he said that he wants me to stop being anxious around him. I explained that I live with anxiety but knowing what he feels will remove a lot of it now. So then he says The thing is i dont want you to lose track of your goals I’ve had a pretty rough go at life and I’m in the process of trying to make things a lot better for myself and honestly I’m starting to feel excited of what I’m capable of achieving in my future. I really adore this guy and don’t want to lose him, I’m trying to stay cool and focused but I’ve been feeling a lot of emotional pain since this conversation as it’s difficult to translate man talk sometimes. so my questions are basically Im working hard at my future right now anyways, will he see this and want to make things work? Or was it just poor timing and I should cut my losses and keep working on myself? No matter what I am dedicated to working on myself, I guess I’ve just been too available to him too. If a guy reads this do you get the impression that he may want to make things work in the future? It’s rough having a brain saturated in emotion being fully aware of it yet having so much build inside me until I want to burst. Thank you for reading ❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
Brennan72 Posted December 29, 2019 Share Posted December 29, 2019 It's hard to know what advice to give without knowing your age, or what these difficult issues you faced in life are. That being said, I found his reply to you strange. If I was attracted to a girl, had great connection with her, etc. my response would have been "I adore you, and you mean a lot to me. Thanks for your honesty" That would have been it: no vacillating, contradictory message (he initially expresses interest and affection, but then follows that up with "I don't want to hurt you" and "let's carry on as normal" --like WTF does that even mean? Guys need to stop being so passive and defensive: tell the girl how you feel, because if she is Miss Right, you aren't going to get second chances. but maybe more information would help clear this up. Is there something in your past that this guy is concerned about, or causes your anxiety? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rainbowx Posted December 29, 2019 Author Share Posted December 29, 2019 I’m 31, he’s 28. It was me who said I’m happy to carry on like normal, (because it sounds as though he doesn’t know what he wants yet? It’s still early days) Yeah I have a lot of anxiety about people because of things that have happened in the past, so I get really scared of doing the wrong thing, and occasionally check in about it, which I also worry could be annoying (he tells me to stop worrying and that I’m fine just the way I am and the things I say) Link to post Share on other sites
PinkFlamingo Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 He likes you, but he is not interested and he doesn't want you to invest too many feelings into him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 18 minutes ago, PinkFlamingo said: He likes you, but he is not interested and he doesn't want you to invest too many feelings into him. This is my read, too. He enjoys the friendship but doesn't want to take it further. I'd bow out unless you know you can be just friends. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 I agree with PinkFlamingo and introverted1. If you truly don't want to lose him as a friend, then he's expressed his desire to continue your friendship. But by NOT giving you encouragement romantically, you have to take that as a no go, period. Don't expect for anything more than friendship from him. Don't do or say anything more that goes beyond friendship. If you can't do that, then it would be best for you to limit contact with him, if not completely end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 On 12/29/2019 at 8:50 AM, Rainbowx said: It’s rough having a brain saturated in emotion being fully aware of it yet having so much build inside me until I want to burst. How much of this time spent together is online vs IRL? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 I agree with those who said that he likes you but doesn't want a relationship with you. The 'but i don't want to hurt you' means that he is not interested in pursuing it. If it's too hard to be friends with him when you have strong feelings for him then you need to take a step back. Get some space for a while to clear your head. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 I agree that he like you enjoys your conversations but it isn't a romantic connection, at least on his end or he never would have said "but I don't want to hurt you". I think to protect your feelings you need to pull back. Link to post Share on other sites
Alt90 Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 I'm in a similar situation myself, except I ignored what everyone said and ended up moving in with him! We're not together romantically and probably never will be... But for me companionship is a lot more important than sex which I can find anywhere if I'm in the mood. But that true close bond that everyone wants is something that you shouldn't run away from, even if it gets difficult - sometimes the best things in life are the hardest. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 16, 2020 Share Posted January 16, 2020 I don’t think he’s likely to feel a romantic connection unless you are less available to him. He enjoys your company and friendship but he’s still in friend mode. If he’s interested in you, he may not be sure about his feelings yet and is likely to become defensive if you are forward. Spend a bit less time with him and treat him like a friend, do not flirt. He is drawn to you but you haven’t triggered feelings of romantic attraction yet. If you put him firmly in the friends zone, he will feel free to develop feelings because he will sense you are not going to get clingy with him and will relax. Link to post Share on other sites
Kyra Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 Interesting replies. I would have taken his words more on face value - he doesn't know yet whether he wants to get involved romantically and is keeping his options open. A few weeks isn't that long to know someone. Some people know what they feel and want straight away and dive in, others like to take time before getting into a romantic relationship Link to post Share on other sites
VioletVelvet Posted February 1, 2020 Share Posted February 1, 2020 7 hours ago, Kyra said: Interesting replies. I would have taken his words more on face value - he doesn't know yet whether he wants to get involved romantically and is keeping his options open. A few weeks isn't that long to know someone. Some people know what they feel and want straight away and dive in, others like to take time before getting into a romantic relationship That's how I read it too. Take things as they come with an open mind instead of diving in. That being said, OP should be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
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