Dealing with Favoritism

[Claire_123]

I am the eldest in the family, I have one sister and it’s not that I want to be babied, spoiled or so. But I want my parents to treat us fairly because there are times that it seems like they don’t see me. They would act as if I’m not around, it seems like no one would even know if I leave them. I’m not a rebellious daughter nor a disrespectful one and I always make sure that I’m doing what is right, I try my best to not disappoint them and make them proud.

On the other hand, my sister is their favorite. The one that they’d always talk about with their friends. Her bad decisions are always disregarded because of favoritism. But I personally think that compared to me, I’m the daughter that has always been there for them (parents)

But they always see my mistakes and now that they can’t find any, they’d search for one. No matter what I do right they’d always see the things that I did wrong.

Edited December 29, 2019 by Claire_123

[Watercolors]

I'm the oldest sibling of my family and my younger sister is the family favorite. I'm the black sheep. You may be as well. Unfortunately, dysfunctional family systems have roles for each family member. Mine is 'scapegoat.' There's literally nothing I can do to rid myself of that label. Family systems are complicated because if they are dysfunctional, then the entire system has to be treated. My family tried therapy but not all members wanted treatment, so family therapy failed. 

I would stop wasting your energy on doing or saying things to demonstrate your value to your family system. Instead, use your energy to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically. Although my mother has dementia now, when she has her lucid moments, she still insults me and puts me down when she can remember who I am. My point is; once you are given a label in your family system, there's nothing you can do to remove it. 

https://www.outofthestorm.website/dysfunctional-family-roles

[PinkFlamingo]

Your parents sound like a**h***s and I'm not sure if a) a**h***s can change and b) children should really have to fight for the love of their parents. If you are not overly attached to them, leave them when you are 18 and let your sister take care of them when they reach retirement age since she is the horse that they bet on.

[Ellener]

13 hours ago, Claire_123 said:

No matter what I do right they’d always see the things that I did wrong.

You're not doing the right things in life for them once you're grown up, you're doing it for you and one day for your own family maybe.

You still honour them and their parenting ( dysfunctional or not ) by making a great independent life for yourself and most of all by being happy.

I always think as a parent that's my boundary, I want above all my son to be happy and fulfilled, and that will sometimes be totally independent of me, and that's ok. I did ok if he still loves me and checks in once in a while! 

But the prodigal child does get supported in a different way, don't see it as a competition, you are already together and ok with or without them. That's why you don't get all the attention.

 

[Mr. Lucky]

13 hours ago, Claire_123 said:

No matter what I do right they’d always see the things that I did wrong.

As an adult, you quit defining yourself based on their reactions to what you do.  Rather than wondering what - or why - they think, ask yourself this - are you a good person?  Have friends that care about you?  Succeed in school or work?

Time to live up to your standards, not theirs.  As is often the case with FOO issues, therapy would help...

Mr. Lucky

[K.K.]

I feel you on this one, Claire. 

My youngest brother (aka the baby ugh) well, I love him but he has got to be the biggest deadbeat in the world. Never works for long, uses my mom for anything he can get, treats women like playthings. Never repays his debts. Trouble with the law.  

But my mom will take up for him until the end of time. He’s her baby. He can do no wrong in her eyes. I swear he could rob a bank or maim someone and my mom would hide him from the cops if she had to. 

I resent it sure, but there’s nothing I can do about it. So I go along and let her be happy with her seemingly skewed vision of him. 

One time I asked her why she liked him best and what’s wrong with me and why has he gotten special favors and she said, K.K- you don’t need my help as much. You’re smart, with a good head on your shoulders. I trust you with my life.  

So I think it’s a case of the squeaky wheel getting the grease. He squeaks so loud the wheels are going to fall off and I ... am WD40’ed. 

🙂

 

[Happy Lemming]

22 hours ago, Watercolors said:

 I'm the black sheep.

Same here... Growing up, my mother saw to it that my sister got anything she wanted and I got the leftover scraps.  Even to this day, my mother will funnel money to my sister, so she can continue to show off and act "rich". 

I left home on my 18th birthday, from there I made my own way in the world.  I didn't let my lop-sided childhood define me or stop me from enjoying my life.  I feel no allegiance to my parents (especially to my mother).

[Rockdad]

@Happy Lemming  same here I escaped when I was 17, dysfunctional is to kind of word for what went on behind closed doors at home.

[PinkFlamingo]

11 hours ago, Ellener said:

You're not doing the right things in life for them once you're grown up, you're doing it for you and one day for your own family maybe.

You still honour them and their parenting ( dysfunctional or not ) by making a great independent life for yourself and most of all by being happy.

I always think as a parent that's my boundary, I want above all my son to be happy and fulfilled, and that will sometimes be totally independent of me, and that's ok. I did ok if he still loves me and checks in once in a while! 

But the prodigal child does get supported in a different way, don't see it as a competition, you are already together and ok with or without them. That's why you don't get all the attention.

 

She said, her parents have started looking explicitly for mistakes since they couldn't find any at first glance, so this is not passive neglect anymore, this is actually active child abuse.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, PinkFlamingo said:

She said, her parents have started looking explicitly for mistakes since they couldn't find any at first glance, so this is not passive neglect anymore, this is actually active child abuse.

Oh, I didn't read it like that. 

Are children allowed to post on these forums? 

Many countries have a national abuse hotline where a child can call and be directed to appropriate support. In the US and Canada it's at https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

[PinkFlamingo]

2 hours ago, Ellener said:

Are children allowed to post on these forums?

Actually, I'm not sure if she is a child, I kind of did assume it in the beginning, but she doesn't state her age anywhere.

Edited December 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[The Outlaw]

Sometimes I feel the same way, but it's only natural I believe. I've kept quite about it, but from the outside looking in, it seems like my adopted brother and my dad are closer than he and I have ever been. And after what happened today, I'm starting to believe it even more. 

[K.K.]

Wait .. what ? 

It’s child abuse to point it out to your kid when they’re making a mistake ? 

Good thing nobody was around when I was showing little Jimmy that his shoes were on the wrong feet! 

I could’ve ended up in the SLAMMER. 

😲 

[PinkFlamingo]

On 12/31/2019 at 12:17 AM, K.K. said:

Wait .. what ? 

It’s child abuse to point it out to your kid when they’re making a mistake ? 

Good thing nobody was around when I was showing little Jimmy that his shoes were on the wrong feet! 

I could’ve ended up in the SLAMMER. 

😲 

Her parents are ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR mistakes when they can't find any. Is that normal behavior for parents?

[VIOLET EDEN]

I have not read any of the replies, so if I repeat I apologize. I am also the eldest of three daughters, so I can see a bit from your shoes. The older kids are criticized because parents want them to be good role models for the younger ones. And parents never put down kids in front of others, so if they are bragging about your sibling, its a parent thing. Now if they are putting you down in public, while at the same time putting your sister on a pedestal, then its horrible thing to do , and I agree that is favoritism. But, if they do not pamper you, it is because you are already doing great for yourself, and they do not see a need to spoil you, I am not supporting your parents, but they probably do not understand that you feel left out. Tell your mom or dad, whichever one you are closer to, and tell them how you fell, if they do not change and continue to make you feel inadequate, I don't know how old you are, once youre off to college, youre free from them, you can put your distance and hopefully gain a family through friends.

Edited January 2, 2020 by VIOLET EDEN

[stillafool]

I feel bad posting this but I am the youngest child and only girl so my brothers were always kinda jealous that I was the favorite and knew it.  

[Veronica73]

I think the word “abuse” get’s overused. Just because something is bad, or unfair, or less than optimal...doesn’t make it abuse. Also, unfortunately, I suspect most families have favorites. Kinda sucks. And not ideal. But not really abusive I’d say.

Edited January 2, 2020 by Veronica73

[Mr. Lucky]

48 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

Also, unfortunately, I suspect most families have favorites.

Even the "favorite(s)" can carry some baggage, when they discover their boss doesn't automatically give their quarterly report a gold star like Mom did with the 3rd grade artwork.

Successful adult life is all about adjustments.  And that remains the task before the OP...

Mr. Lucky

[Prudence V]

I was also the “black sheep” growing up. I was the middle child - the only girl. My older brother was a few years older, so basked in the attention of being an only child for a few years, while my young brother and I are much closer in age and were always treated “the same“, while my older brother was treated as older, given privileges as a result, etc. Except my younger brother was spoiled, as “the baby” - if he physically attacked me, I’d be told off, because “I was older”, and because I was a girl, it was considered unseemly for me to defend myself physically, etc. Of course there was also loads of sexism involved, because boys were valued in a way girls were not. 
 

As a kid I felt this deeply and resented it, but in later life it served me well. I left home at 17 and made my own way. My brothers, by contrast, never really thrived. Both kept returning home needing help one way or another. Both landed up in jail. Both have a string of failed marriages and neither has any contact with their kids. Neither achieved any success in life. By contrast, I’m happy, thriving, enjoy close relationships with friends and those I care about. Because I was less welded into the toxic web of FOO relationships, it was far easier for me to walk away and not look back. 
 

Not being “good enough” as a kid can seem a curse, but it can be a blessing in disguise. 
 

 

[Ellener]

I never got along with my father, left home early, left the country eventually. We even didn't get on at 4000 miles distance sometimes and once we didn't speak on the 'phone for two years because he yet again turned something important to me negative. I wrote to him during that time and when we started telephoning again he never expressed his critical opinions. One time we argued about my behaviour as a teenager, and were able to talk it through. Fast forward to a few days before dad died, he called to wish me Happy New Year, he had dementia by this point and was aphasic and stressed, I just kept saying it's okay dad, you can tell me later and he kept repeating I love you and my name. And I'd say I know, I love you too. A few days later he had a massive stroke and never recovered, so my last memory of him was reconciliatory and special. Three years on all I can remember is the good things about him.

He even left me a little money which about covered all the years I needed therapy!

Being criticised or feeling unloved seems like the end of the world sometimes, but it's not. Love yourself and people in your world and work hard and you'll be fine.