Do I get a divorce???

[Broken260706]

i think I just needed a platform and outlet to get this out and know someone is reading it (hopefully). I’m a 33 year old male, been married 4 years, been with my wife 7. We’ve had our ups and downs, fights, etc, She’s used divorce or ‘breaking up’ as a threat for 7 years, but always worked past the problems. We have 3 kids together and she has one from previous marriage.

About 6 months ago she caught me checking out another woman. Apparently I “broke my neck” looking at her. She can’t let this go and acts as if I actually cheated on her. She was pregnant at the time. She’s always been very self- conscious about her body, especially when she’s pregnant or right after. Right after the incident happened she said she wanted a divorce. We had a huge fight which then somehow lead to us having some crazy intense sex and ended up doing that like 3 times a night for a week until it stopped and sex has been minimal since then. We had the baby in November.

It’s been almost 2 weeks since the post partum no sex time and we still haven’t. It’s been about 12 weeks altogether. She’s taken care of me with her hand a couple times but it felt like she didn’t even want to do it. We go through stretches where things seem ‘normal’ they’re never great but fighting has been less and we get along fine. Then something comes up and she will remind me of what I did. She also tells me she’s been having dreams of f***ing other guys, and for a while was fantasizing and thinking about her ex from high school. She suffers from bad anxiety, depression, and recently thinks she may be bipolar as well.

I’m more confused than ever bc the last 10 days we get along really well. Other than not having sex we have been in a pretty good place Other than a small fight here and there. I thought she was turning a corner until last night she reminds me that she’s not in love with me anymore and wants to talk about where we are. She basically says she loves me but is not in love with me and wants to stay together in what is essentially a co parenting relationship so our kids are happy, but ultimately things will never be the same and she will never trust me again.

She says she wants to do this until our kids are grown and then she will leave. Keep in mind this will be minimum. 18 years. She sometimes acts like things are normal. She even makes plans for having more kids, going on vacation, etc. she says if I want out she will understand. I don’t know if I stick it out and hope things get better or do I just live in this sham of a marriage forever or do I get out now and find real love again. Sorry for the long post but I could write forever on this bc there are so many layers to it all. Thanks for whoever is reading.

Our oldest son has autism so I’m concerned especially that the divorce could have a negative affect on him. I want to be happy but also want my kids to be happy (obviously)

Edited December 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Add paragraphs

[FMW]

16 minutes ago, Broken260706 said:

She suffers from bad anxiety, depression, and recently thinks she may be bipolar as well.

She sometimes acts like things are normal. She even makes plans for having more kids, going on vacation, etc. she says if I want out she will understand.

Falling out of love with you because you were checking out another woman is extreme.  That, along with the parts of your post quoted, It sounds like she needs to see someone for the anxiety and depression.  Has she brought that up on her own, or do you feel comfortable encouraging her to see someone?  

[carhill]

Welcome to LS. Has your wife had a post-partum physical yet? If not, I'd suggest it.

As to the marital issues, suggest MC and, if she balks, go without her. A professional can assist you in sorting this and approaching it in a collaborative fashion and making decisions that are healthy for yourself. You can't make anyone do anything. If she isn't 'in love' with you, that's her truth right now. Will it be forever? Unknown. Marriage isn't a contract of adhesion. It's dynamic and constantly being negotiated. Sounds like she's saying 'my way or the highway'. Clarify that and make your own decisions.

[Broken260706]

2 hours ago, Finding my way said:

Falling out of love with you because you were checking out another woman is extreme.  That, along with the parts of your post quoted, It sounds like she needs to see someone for the anxiety and depression.  Has she brought that up on her own, or do you feel comfortable encouraging her to see someone?  

Thanks for reading and commenting back. She’s definitely Aware of her anxiety and depression. She says I don’t understand and don’t do anything to help her. She’s been prescribed medication in the past, but won’t take it. Her regular doctor just prescribed her Zoloft actually and she didn’t even pick it up. She’s going to start seeing a therapist soon, who she has seen in the past

[Broken260706]

2 hours ago, carhill said:

Welcome to LS. Has your wife had a post-partum physical yet? If not, I'd suggest it.

As to the marital issues, suggest MC and, if she balks, go without her. A professional can assist you in sorting this and approaching it in a collaborative fashion and making decisions that are healthy for yourself. You can't make anyone do anything. If she isn't 'in love' with you, that's her truth right now. Will it be forever? Unknown. Marriage isn't a contract of adhesion. It's dynamic and constantly being negotiated. Sounds like she's saying 'my way or the highway'. Clarify that and make your own decisions.

We did MC a few months back when this all started happening. It felt like we would be getting along then the MC would remind her of what I did and then it turns into a fight. Also not an excuse but I commute 3-4 hours per day so makes it hard to schedule weekly appointments without missing too much time at work. Especially when I have a son with special needs whIch requires me to take time off more than normal. I know I’m making excuses and should try MC again. 

[carhill]

Is her therapist a clinical psychologist?

She apparently wants the M to continue, but on her terms. IMO, IC, except to Dx her and get her health/ brain chemistry sorted if there are organic issues, will do the M no good. Why? She's the client and directs the therapy. If you're the bad guy and that's how the scenario is presented to the therapist, they'll go with that, giving her tools to make her feel better about herself, even if at your detriment. In MC, the marriage is the client and the therapist advocates for the marriage.

One value question you can consider is what your marriage and family are worth to you. There's no right or wrong answer, only your answer, for you. Life is imperfect. We try to plan everything and stick to that plan like glue because, often, that process gives us peace and comfort and confidence, but sometimes life throws a wrench into the works. A special needs child is not something we usually plan on. A spouse getting sick, not planned, people falling out of love, not planned. Life is dynamic. One thing you could consider is hands-free telecounseling while commuting. If open to the process you might even find it relaxing.

Did anyone take family leave when your latest child was born? Is it available? If it is, even if lifestyle takes a temporary hit, I'd consider it. Most of us who've divorced know how much a hit our whole life takes when a marriage ends. I'd pull out all the stops to resolve it, even if significant sacrifices are made. The caveat is your wife needs to be right there with you. If she's ho-hum, whatever, not interested, get a lawyer and file. Don't dick around. Let her know you mean business and don't want to live like this. But you make the effort first. Lead. A woman who loves you, even if she's not in love with you, should respect that.

[Broken260706]

On 12/29/2019 at 3:03 PM, carhill said:

Is her therapist a clinical psychologist?

She apparently wants the M to continue, but on her terms. IMO, IC, except to Dx her and get her health/ brain chemistry sorted if there are organic issues, will do the M no good. Why? She's the client and directs the therapy. If you're the bad guy and that's how the scenario is presented to the therapist, they'll go with that, giving her tools to make her feel better about herself, even if at your detriment. In MC, the marriage is the client and the therapist advocates for the marriage.

 

I am pretty sure the therapist she’s seeing is a clinical psychologist. I hear what you’re saying about one on one bs marriage counseling. However, I know she does need someone to focus on her mental health specifically. I know when she met with this therapist in the past she told me about their conversations and he seemed to think I was a good husband and was able to pinpoint where her problems really were. It’s a different scenario now so can’t say the same would happen.

I’m gonna think more about MC, thanks. with that said at times when I think about divorce it’s almost a relief. It’s like I’m just facing my biggest fear head on and I have. I thing else to be scared of.

sometimes I feel like maybe I will be happier, but maybe I’m just scared of the regret if I go through with it and my life is even more miserable. 
im so torn and confused and the face that I’m not all in 100% I’m doing everything to fight for her is what sucks

I guess I’m also scared of getting this false sense of hope that things will get better bc that always happens and the pain is worse every time. If I just accept it I figure I’ll just let the healing process begin.

Instead I keep messing with the scab on the wound and it bleeds more every single time

Edited December 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Most of us probably aren't qualified to assess what the OP describes.

 

It does NOT sound like  realistic/traditional  grounds/inspiration for divorce.

 

It may indeed be a case where her landing on the ideal-for-her medication may alleviate much of the dissension you describe.

 

If she wants to talk about where you are ...  maybe suggest that she write her feelings on paper for you to read when you get home.

 

That way, she is wholly in charge of getting ALL of her thoughts out without interruption, while knowing that you will see ALL of it.

(I would NOT demand that you get to keep/retain  those written words - just let her write them, and then you read them, perhaps before taking notes of your own to ask for further clarity, and then returning the original paper to her)

 

The part about checking out some other woman...  certainly wasn't helpful... but if she was pregnant at the time, it may have been just as much a function of her not loving her own form at that moment as not at all liking your having happened to notice another woman for some reason.

 

I don't  sense the usual irreparable damage written here which tends to make 'divorce' the only sensible conclusion.

 

It may all be a function of her medications.

 

 

 

 

[Broken260706]

On 12/29/2019 at 4:04 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Most of us probably aren't qualified to assess what the OP describes.........

Thanks for this observation. It makes me feel better hearing someone describe it that way. Obviously you’re only basing it off my few paragraphs describing things from my POV, but good to hear that perspective nonetheless. That being said, she is vehemently against taking medication most of the time. She doesn’t even like Tylenol when she has a headache. She told me a few weeks ago she wants to get help but without meds. I’m worried she may not get stable enough with therapy alone. I will not convince her to take medication. Even the therapists she has seen whom she really respected recommended meds and she didn’t listen. 

Edited December 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[notbroken]

Life is very short.  Why stay married to someone that says they don't love you?   It absolutely does NOT set a good example/environment for your kids (ie. 'for the kids' is not a good answer IMO - because it will mess up their relationships / views of marriage).   I personally wouldn't want to be married to someone that openly said they didn't love me or needed meds to feel like they do.   

I'm sorry.  The resentment you two have will likely only grow.  

[Mr. Lucky]

On 12/29/2019 at 11:24 AM, Broken260706 said:

It’s been almost 2 weeks since the post partum no sex time and we still haven’t. It’s been about 12 weeks altogether. She’s taken care of me with her hand a couple times but it felt like she didn’t even want to do it. We go through stretches where things seem ‘normal’ they’re never great but fighting has been less and we get along fine. Then something comes up and she will remind me of what I did. She also tells me she’s been having dreams of f***ing other guys, and for a while was fantasizing and thinking about her ex from high school. She suffers from bad anxiety, depression, and recently thinks she may be bipolar as well.

There's times in every LTR where it's problematic to judge marital success based on the quality of your sex life.  Too many up, downs, obstacles and challenges, especially with kids involved.

I'd focus on the emotional connection through MC and perhaps getting that counselor's help in advocating more proactive treatment for your wife's mental health.  If you win that battle, the sex will come around.  Lots at stake here so think long term...

Mr. Lucky

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 12/29/2019 at 4:20 PM, Broken260706 said:

Thanks for this observation. It makes me feel better hearing someone describe it that way. Obviously you’re only basing it off my few paragraphs describing things from my POV, but good to hear that perspective nonetheless. That being said, she is vehemently against taking medication most of the time. She doesn’t even like Tylenol when she has a headache. She told me a few weeks ago she wants to get help but without meds. I’m worried she may not get stable enough with therapy alone. I will not convince her to take medication. Even the therapists she has seen whom she really respected recommended meds and she didn’t listen. 

 

I'm fully torn on this one...

 

While on one hand I myself completely shun most medications, and while the story of another in my area has me dead set against Zoloft or the like for a young person, I am hoping your wife is over the age of 25, and that a wide variety of medications are available to her (via Dr's orders) with which (she and the Dr.) can experiment/test various medications and dosages which will in due time alleviate some meaningful percentage  of all that is dragging her down.

 

IF she is near to your own age, she should embark upon such a quest with optimism and willingness to try different medications while guided by a professional.  Something will help a good amount of some  of it, and she will notice a marked difference quite soon.

 

If you have three kids together, you enlist them as her incentive to experiment with the medications so that those kids can have as many advantages as is possible for each.

 

I respect the ease with which some of us can completely shun anything more potent than Advil, but some of us may well need something more potent than Advil to allow us to know a life that takes place not outside the broad range of normalcy.   And that's OK.