Why can't I seem to forget about him?

[Emmy20]

2 years ago (in my 2nd year of uni) I was stuck in an abusive and controlling 'situationship'. It broke me and I knew that I had change to stop people taking advantage. I also vowed not to even look at another guy in that way until well after uni when I had a stable job. Although things were much better in the 3rd year I was still stuck with very toxic friends and was still recovering from the abuse. I knew things had to change but I was not in the headspace for such a dramatic change.

In one of my lectures it was just me and another guy - my worst nightmare! I felt so self-conscious and we didn't speak for more than half of the year. He was completely not my type so I literally took no notice of him! However, a few months later I left my toxic friends and I was in a position to start changing. All of a sudden it was as if someone had shone a light on him. Every aspect of his personality amazed me. I desperately wanted to change my outlook on life and when he'd be talking I'd just sit there in front of him thinking 'YES!'. He had the exact outlook on life that I wanted to develop and his energy was just electrifying. He showed me the person I wanted to be and the qualities I wanted to develop. I did not want to see him in this way. It was the very last thing I wanted and I constantly denied it to myself.

I couldn't believe that I had sat there for so long not taking ANY notice of him but I knew that a few months prior I would not have valued him in the same way as I did then. As I got to know him more things began to get more and more weird. I have no clue how we never met before. He came in one day wearing a shirt for our local football team. It turns out he and his father played for them. I always used to go down there on match days when I was younger and still go somedays due to family links. I went on Facebook later and saw a photo of him and his dad down there. I recognised his dad from seeing down there but I had no recollection of seeing this guy there although I know I must have seen him. I then found out that he lives just around the corner from where I grew up. He also knows my estranged father and siblings. Some of my Facebook friends' old photos also began popping up on my timeline. I remembered seeing them but I didn't remember seeing this particular guy in them! It made no sense to me. He was there so why didn't I see him?! I remembered seeing everyone else in that photo before but not him - I didn't even know he was in it and I had seen this particular photo loads of times! But all of a sudden after all this happens I notice him. This happened with another photo as well where it was literally of just him and another guy so how on earth didn't I see him?! 

Our strengths and weaknesses also equalled each other out perfectly. I am a worrier, he's so laid-back so I could never worry around him. I lived in the moment. A few times I'd say something to him and he'd reply and I'd think 'that's exactly what I would've said!'. One of the last times I properly saw him he walked into the room and there was this connection I could never put into words. It felt as if my stomach just dropped and my heart swelled (as cheesy as it sounds!). He quite literally took my breath away. I never found him physically attractive but since that moment I've seen him in a different light. It honestly felt as though there was something just pushing us together. I still didn't want it to happen and continued to deny it for ages but at that particular moment I gave in. I couldn't deny it anymore no matter how much I didn't want it. 

Unfortunately, something out of our control happened the following year. Our friendship groups never mix so we lost contact. It upset both of us but it felt right. I was not ready for a relationship. I did let him know how I felt in very simple terms but he lied and said he had a girlfriend. It was very hard but again the way things were just felt right. All I wanted to do was see him and spend time with him and the only way I can describe it was that I missed his energy. When I'd think of doing stupid things such as trying to talk to him or sending him a message the weirdest things would happen to get in the way...every single time. I felt like I should have been worried that maybe we'd never talk again but I just had this warm feeling inside of me that everything was going to be ok. Thinking that we'd never talk again just seemed incomprehensible, as if that was a question that does not need an answer.

I found the time after we lost touch very difficult. I went into deep depression as it brought up a lot of memories from the past. I crashed my car and cried so hard that I woke up with conjunctivitis the next morning. I just felt so confused. After a few months I had a kind of 'lightbulb' moment. The whole situation had brought out so much confidence in me. Everything that I had ever been scared to do I just knew I had to do it. I began losing weight, going to the gym (!!!), making new friends. As well as simple things that mean nothing to nobody else but meant everything to me such as putting more effort into makeup and styling my hair and putting effort into my appearance in the longest time. I had honestly never felt better. Those were all the things that ever held me back from being the person that I ever wanted to be. I was always self-conscious on social media about what I posted but I soon begun to find that the way I was on social media started to become the way I was around him...I had no fear and was completely and utterly myself.

Nearly 2 years later and I still miss his 'energy' more than anything. I've dated other guys but it has never been the same. I desperately want to get over this and forget all about it but it seems impossible. 

Edited December 29, 2019 by Emmy20