Am I in denial or acceptance?

[Battlescarred]

Looking for some of your views on a confusing situation for me.  A bit of background - sorry for long read but please bare with me. .

I broke up with my partner of almost 9 years ago on Friday and I am confused about my feelings and response....

I met my partner while dancing almost 9 years ago. He was 13 years my senior and at the time we were both in relationships.  We eventually got together and left our respective partners (I had never cheated on anyone before and my relationship of almost 18 years was toxic and violent).  This man gave me hope and taught me a lot - when we first met he boosted my confidence and self esteem......It soon became apparent that he was a middle aged player and had frequently cheated on his past partners - now I went into this eyes wide open and over the next 4ish years our relationship was on and off a few times - he never actually cheated on me but did have one short girlfriend during one of our few breaks.  

After this break where another women was involved he chased me relentlessly to come back to me and I did, I loved him! After that I move in with him and everything was ok until he had to leave for Italy to look after his mum who was sick - we continued our partnership long distance which worked well - I visited frequently and were in touch every night.  I moved out when he left to stay with my best friend.  His mum unfortunately died (I was there on holiday when it happened). 9 months later he came back home and wanted to continue as normal so I moved back in with him ready to start a new life.

Fast forward about 7 months and he broke up with me on the way to the travel agents to book my dream holiday for my 40th birthday.  I knew we were getting a bit stagnant but never seen this coming.  I was devistated and faced the prospect of moving again - luckily I could go back to my friends bit not immediately.  Anyway, I had to stay with him for a short while and after about 10 days I realised he had met another women, I confronted him and he was stone cold.  Two days later he went out and didn't come home till after 3 in the morning.  I was broken by this and left the house at 6am the next morning with only a few bags.  I know that we were officially single but I was so hurted I though I was going to die....I then moved all my stuff out when he was on a planned holiday and had limited contact for the next couple of months.

Then once I was just starting to feel normal again he gets back in touch, saying how sorry etc he was - and he really was, he was more broken than me and his mental health had plummeted.  I still cared about him and eventually went back to him.  (After a couple of girls holidays of course).  When we got back together everything was amazing, he communicated well done everything he could to please me, we spent more time together than ever, he threw me a surprise 40th birthday party, we travelled again and got engaged and I moved in with him again and we redecorated.  We made a real commitment.

Fast forward two years and again we have come to the point where he now says there is no point of continuing as we want different things.  I have had to move out again (well only a couple of bags so far) and into my mum's - a place he knows I don't want to be. But it's all good me and mum get on but I feel it's yet another step backwards for me...

Anyway that's the situation and my problem in I don't feel anything which is worrying me - I was so broken last time but that hasn't came yet.  I think I feel numb but I'm not sure if this is acceptance or denial.....has anyone else experienced this? Any words of advice?

I think we both love each other sincerely but want different things for the future, our interests are very different except that we both enjoy travelling.  It's not been a bad relationship as a whole but lately I have found it hard not to act resentful as I've been feeling undervalued and a low priority for various reasons that are too lengthy to explain 

Edited December 29, 2019 by Battlescarred

[Blonde2002]

Firstly, I am really sorry to read about your relationship breakup.

 

Me and my wife split up several times over our 21 years. But when we finally split up for good I initially didn't cry at all and felt fine about it....until six months down the line and one day it hit me like a train and I was hurt badly. So I didn't experience the heartache until months later.

 

So If I was you I wouldn't be analysing how I feel, because we experience things at different times. You just may not be ready to feel the pain just yet.

 

 

[Battlescarred]

Quote

Me and my wife split up several times over our 21 years. But when we finally split up for good I initially didn't cry at all and felt fine about it....until six months down the line and one day it hit me like a train and I was hurt badly. So I didn't experience the heartache until months later.

 

So If I was you I wouldn't be analysing how I feel, because we experience things at different times. You just may not be ready to feel the pain just yet

Thanks for replying Philip8888 and I am also sorry for your relationship loss.

This is exactly what I'm worried about - the last time the pain was instant, now I feel numb and it worries me.  I am going to start moving some stuff from my ex's today and actually have anxiety about how I will feel when I walk in - what makes this more stressful is that moving is going to take quite a while and several more trips. (I have a lot of stuff)

Also, in the back of my mind I know he has moved on and dated really quickly before in previous break-ups and I'm worried that this will happen before I get the chance to fully remove everything from the flat and have distance.  

Deep down I still love him and the thought of him moving on makes me feel physically sick, however I also think although we normally have a good relationship, there is truly no future as we ultimately want really different things.  The few days I have spent away from the "home" have been a bit of a relief for me which speaks volumes.

He is really clear that it is better this way - stupid thing is, the thing I dread most about going to his place today, is that he has removed any photo's of us and our time together - stupid i know and very superficial but I know this may break me!

Also, eventually I will need to speak to him about arrangements and other "stuff" regarding our time together and I am not looking forward to that - I worry that I will crumble when I see him!!

I hate feeling like this! 

[scooby-philly]

@Battlescarred

I'm sorry for your heartache and the split. I agree with Philip8888 - things can hit us at different points in a break up depending on the context, other factors, and just the basics of our biological and psychological health at any given moment. 

While I'm a man, your story sounds like it could come from me. I'm 4 months out of a heartbreaking relationship/split and just a day or two before Christmas I found some pictures on google - thanks technology! - from the relationship and I balled for at least an hour. But...what was I missing? Was I missing her? Or was I missing what I though I had with her and what I wanted in the future? This past relationship taught me to truly be vulnerable to someone and let them love me and how to let someone else be truly vulnerable to me and love them. But...love isn't enough. There has to be a somewhat similar lifestyle, compatible wants, communication, trust, etc. I've stayed with people because I was never taught growing up that my needs and wants are important and even though in between relationships I've started building my own life, I've stuck around (even in friendships) when I wasn't getting my needs met and even being disrespected. 

 

So - whatever happens, don't block your feelings. They may come in waves, they may come in patterns that don't fit the "stages of depression" - and they may not come in depth for a while. Just live and let what comes come when it comes. (Alliteration anyone?)

[TeddyBundy1993]

I can share my experience only. Because at times I also feel numb and couldn't feel anything but weeks later I busted to tears and went for counseling after my break up. Only time can tell what gonna happen to you with your feelings. 9 years is not a small amount of time to invest in someone. But denial and acceptance depends on maturity of individual  and as suggested feeling will change often one moment you'l be sad other moment will be happy. Whatever you feel dont ignore your feelings grieving is a important part and one must grieve for a while to get over it. Dont make any contact with him for a while. It so pathetic to quit a relationship with a person who stays amongs thick and thin for a new shiny girl. Few people never change. 

[2BGoodAgain]

the heart is a strange thing... it isn't logical, it just feels... and it'll come and go, like the waves on a beach..sometimes calm waves, and other than violent powerful consuming waves...

my AP and I had an on and off relationship for 12years...  So i can relate to the other guy... i don't sympathize with him,but rather I feel i understand him...

this is all supposition, so take what i say with a huge sack of salt...

but it seems to me that you were the on and off woman for him. for a while, you seem the ideal or near ideal woman for him. he enjoyed how you made him feel, but eventually, it waned... he found comfort in another woman.. and he left you for her... but for whatever reason, it didn't work out. he came back to you b/c you were comfortable and he remembered how it felt being with you, but he prob has his own demons and instead of facing them, he prob just buried them so that over time, it happened again... he grew dissatisfied with you and moved on.

hmm... i don't believe there was anything you could have done to satisfy him, b/c honestly, the problem was within himself, not you. You've got diff problems you have to face, for any successful future relationships that you may wish to have. But for him, he'll constantly be looking for peace and satisfaction outside of himself b/c it's easier than facing his own demons within.

so for the future... you need to cut off all contact and be prepared for the emotions and thoughts and little discoveries you may uncover as you move on.

But you need to make a resolution with yourself... do you want this to keep repeating or do you want to move on from him. B/c he'll keep coming back to you when you've finally gotten mostly over him. He's done it before and he'll do it again.

Thinking back on my own 12 years with my AP... i kept going back to her, b/c i knew she was weak for me. I didn't rationalize it like that. I made myself believe she was just in love with me or that we had a love that transcended all things... it was an illusion i made myself believe to justify intruding on her life repeatedly. I see now, that I was just being selfish and going back to her for the good feelings she was able to bring out in me.

anyway, yes... prepare for the highs and lows you'll feel, but even more, be resolute, to keep him out of your life. or you'll keep suffering like this. it'll drive you crazy.

good luck to you.

[Battlescarred]

Thank you both for giving me some insight, your comments are very much appreciated!

I am having no contact other than to let him know when I will be visiting his flat for some things - unfortunately I have a lot is things to move and this is going to take a few weeks to finish.  If he is there we are always friendly and the best way to describe it is 'businesslike'.

This time feels totally different from the last, I know for sure over the last two years since we got back together that he hasn't contacted or attempted even to flirt with other woman and although I fully expect him to move on pretty quickly I feel sure that wanting to be single and on the dating scene was not the route cause of the break-up. 

I agree to an extent that I was comfortable for him and but also him for me.  He is 13 years my senior and as time went by the major stumbling block was that I didn't want to move to Italy with him, where he is desperate to return too.  I am too young to give up on my job/career which would not be possible in Italy and I also have responsibilities here, mainly my aging mum (70) and the fact that I pay the mortgage for the house she lives in.  I got frustrated when he would go on about leaving and how he hates things here - it made me anxious as I felt he would leave me I the future and I though what's the point of wasting more time and investing in a relationship that was going to end anyway!  This frustrated me more and more each day which led to my behaviour changing and his as well.  

There is no doubt that we love each other but we simply don't have a future and he voiced this opinion, which I couldn't disagree with - I want more from a relationship. I want to feel safe secure and loved - I don't think this is too much to ask?  This is why I feel it is so final and am wondering if this is why I am feeling as I am!

I:m expecting the next few months to be bumpy and I am sure my feelings will come out eventually but as you both suggest, I just need to ride the waves and stay strong!

Wish me luck!