Onewomanman Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 Hi there. My partner and I are going through a tough time and we are almost at the end of this relationship. Not by me tho or anything I've done, she is no longer in love with me. What she's seeking is that honeymoon period spark again. I love her more than I ever could love someone and she says she still loves me with her heart and when she tries to end it something is telling her it's wrong. shes not in love with me anymore. We communicate allot and have been working through this for the past 5 months. She doesn't see any fault from me as to why she is the way she is, but from the sounds of it she wants to experience sleeping with someone else and feel that new person emotional connection again, but she cant do it because of me and how she feels for me still. These past 5 months we have separated, but still trying to save this relationship, but we are getting on better than ever and the sex is 1000% better she says but she still missing something. How can you recapture that honeymoon period or the emotional connection you get from it after 14 years. Is there anything I can do?? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 Do you still have fun with your wife? Do you still have new experiences together and make new memories together? My gut tells me that you can’t experience the high of dating someone “new” when you have been a relationship with that person for 14 years - she has seen you when you are tired and sick, she knows that you leave your dishes on the counter and wet towels on the bathroom floor, and she has stressed about money, in-laws, and work with you. You just can’t compete with a “new” relationship. That said, I would argue that what you share, what you have built together, and the comfortable ease that you have together is worth far more than the “spark” of a new relationship. But, I’m sure it’s pretty hard to tell her that right now... as she has “the grass is greener syndrome.” As a woman, it is important to feel loved, to be heard, to know that you are special and you are appreciated by the one man with whom you share your life. And this is where a lot of men struggle, in my humble opinion. As my guy teases, “just assume that I love you unless I tell you differently.” That’s not enough though. Thus, the famous dating advice - even though you are married, continue to date your wife. In other words, talk to her, tell her she is loved, learn something new together, make a new memory that doesn’t involve the kids... If you have done that and she is STILL chasing that elusive spark, then what is missing is inside her - it likely has nothing to do with the relationship. And, if it’s missing inside her, there is nothing you can do to change that. She needs to be the one to figure it out - all you can do is let her go in search of whatever she feels is missing. Maybe she will find it, maybe she won’t. But you, with at least know that you have done all you could to make your marriage work. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Onewomanman Posted December 30, 2019 Author Share Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) Thank you for replying.. Yes we have experienced allot maybe even more so than usual relationship. We have 2 disabled children 9 and 13, shes lost 10stone in weight and had corrective surgery after a life long battle with how she's looked. I get that she is a different person to who I met 14 1/2 years ago and she's trying to find herself again, but so have I. She says I'm more buff and fitter than I was when we met and she prefers me now to when we met when I had a 6pack n slight tone to my body. I tell her and show her I love her every day. She is my best friend, we try to create new memories but with 2 difficult kids and our own businesses aswell as part jobs it's never easy to find the time. We mostly just try to enjoy each other's company as often as we can. Over the years our interest has devided as it does in an relationship and she is trying to find herself again being and looking different. I've never gave her the impressions I never appreciated her or stopped loving her, reasons she stopped loving me after we spoke about it turned out to be nothing once she understood the same situation from my side of what she saw. I've done everything I can and I know this is all her. I'm just worried that she's going to make rash decisions and end up making the wrong choices but it be all too late then. I know I've done everything I can and theres not much more I can do apart from keep doing what I've been doing for the lhe last 5 months. Yes I've slacked off before then but so has anyone else. Nobody can put 110% in a relationship every day for 14 years.. shes had chances to cheat on me 5 times and never went through with it. I know we both need to work out the relationship but I also know it's out of my hands. Do I give her my blessing to sleep with someone knowing theres 2 outcomes of satisfaction and were over or clarification that the grass ain't greener. I do know if she did and she wants me back that I'm worried I'd find her physically disgusted by the thought of another man has been all over her and I'd never forget and forgive. I found it hard to move on from the secret chats she's had with strangers online, she says she loved the attention they gave her.. I know it's down to her but I dont want her to feel I don't care by giving up or giving in to her naughty thoughts to experience someone different... Edited December 30, 2019 by Onewomanman Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 Ah weight loss surgery. There are article and studies all over the place about married women having it done, infidelity is extremely high. I believe something like 70%. Bailey makes a good point, but its difficult to "date" your wife or do the things she needs to fulfill her needs when your needs are going unmet. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 3 minutes ago, Onewomanman said: Do I give her my blessing to sleep with someone knowing theres 2 outcomes of satisfaction and were over or clarification that the grass ain't greener. That is your decision to make, I certainly wouldn’t do it myself. Your wife has certainly flirted with the line of infidelity. She has decided that she needs attention and validation from other men - not much you can do about that except to let her go. You sound like a very kind and responsible man. Much respect for the work that is required, particularly to raise children who need additional support. Life is not easy, and you deserve more than a wife who has one foot in and one foot out of your marriage. Good luck to you. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 1 minute ago, DKT3 said: Bailey makes a good point, but its difficult to "date" your wife or do the things she needs to fulfill her needs when your needs are going unmet. I hear you. Also hard to “date” when you have a business to run, kids who need significant support, and a lack of social support. Besides - it sounds in this situation like no amount of “dating” will meet her needs - this seems to be a little more complicated... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 It's the weight loss....especially if she has struggled with weight her entire life. 10 stones is 140ish pounds I believe. That is a new body, with a new body comes more Male attention then she is use to. Its likely she has already crossed the line, or will no matter what he does at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 2 minutes ago, DKT3 said: That is a new body, with a new body comes more Male attention then she is use to. Its likely she has already crossed the line, or will no matter what he does at this point. Agreed. He needs to then decide where he draws the line - what he is willing to accept and when to tell her to go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 It sounds like she has been emotionally checked out for a while and thus has had multiple EAs. They never became actual PAs but she's learned to enjoy the attention, validation etc that goes with them. You will have a hard time competing with that, not because of any fault on your part, but simply because you aren't "new" but are a known quantity. I'm no expert on it, but it sounds to me like opening the marriage wouldn't be a good idea. My understanding is it generally works best only if BOTH partners are interested in it, and with LOTS of rules in place to keep the spouses for falling for one of the external partners. You could consider doing some research on this. Suggest you try to get past the "swingers" stuff and look for "ethical non-monogamy" IF you do this. Unfortunately you need to be careful here, as even if you stay together you don't want your marriage to become a safe "home base" from which your wife explores EAs and possible PAs. VERY few men are ok in a situation like that. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) 12 hours ago, Onewomanman said: I'm worried I'd find her physically disgusted by the thought of another man has been all over her and I'd never forget and forgive. I found it hard to move on from the secret chats she's had with strangers online. Given that OP has said this, I too doubt that opening the marriage is an option here. She is essentially looking for permission to cheat, while maintaining the comfort of her marriage. As you have said Mark, very few men would be ok with that. Opening a marriage because one partner wants to experience other sexual partners when they other does not seems like it will only speed the demise of an already shaky marriage. Edited December 30, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 Agree it wouldn't be a good idea if it bothers him that much. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 It sounds like your wife has reinvented herself now with her dramatic weight loss and she wants to shirk off her label of wife and mother, to sow some wild oats with other men (albeit emotional affairs for the time being), because she felt trapped and undesirable for so long, when she was overweight, raising your children. 13 hours ago, Onewomanman said: Do I give her my blessing to sleep with someone knowing theres 2 outcomes of satisfaction and were over or clarification that the grass ain't greener. Absolutely not. What will that solve? It will create infidelity in your marriage for the purpose of soothing her bruised ego. I think it's great that she had surgery to help her lose weight. But whatever caused the weight loss to begin with is what needs to be dealt with. And having sex with random men doesn't fix anything. Whatever her insecurities are, is why she turned to food and that caused weight gain. Was her weight gain due to caring for two special needs children with no outside help (or do you have outside help)? How do you two manage your time together as a couple, in addition to your time as co-business partners, and co-parenting? Maybe this is more about time mismanagement than anything. Maybe sit down with your wife and brainstorm some changes in your schedules, that allows for personal time for each other to recharge your batteries (not have sex with random people) like pursuing a fun hobby, or hiring outside help for your children if you haven't already done so. Create small changes like that so you don't have to do something as extreme as approve some weird sex encounters that don't really solve whatever the real problem is to begin with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 Did she date much before starting a life with you? I married at 20, and was a mother at 21. After 10-15 years together I started wondering if I had miss out on something (someone). I viewed my ex-husband more as a sibling/friend than a lover. It happens often when we settle too young or settle without having experienced life first. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 He said she has been heavy her whole life. This is a real issue, when my friend was going through this I researched it and was amazed at the connection between the surgery and infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted December 30, 2019 Share Posted December 30, 2019 I'm very sorry for you but I don't envision a future where you are going to be happy. Since you described your SO as partner I assume you aren't married? Then she can jump ship anytime she wants. Decide what line she has to cross before you kick her out and go ahead and try to change her mind. That way you will be able to tell yourself and your kids that you did your best to hold things together. I don't think you can wait her out but I would demand that she get a good going over by the doctor. It's such a shame. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 12 hours ago, DKT3 said: This is a real issue, when my friend was going through this I researched it and was amazed at the connection between the surgery and infidelity. I'd guess the OP's wife has already picked an exit candidate and possibly taken a test-drive during the separation. Checked out and selfish is a dangerous combination... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Onewomanman Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 Thanks for your reply. Doesnt matter now. She came home from work last night and ended it. She has no emotion nor showing emotion about it ending it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 (edited) 5 hours ago, Onewomanman said: She came home from work last night and ended it Going to be a tendency for you to still want to focus on her and her needs. As hard as it is, time to detach and start thinking about what life will look like going forward. As I said before, your wife may already have one foot into a new relationship, so you should be similarly focused on your future. Sorry this has happened... Mr. Lucky Edited December 31, 2019 by Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts