Asked husband for separation but feel so guilty

[Hopeful999]

I am a newbie to this forum, but I have been reading posts on separation and divorce and have decided to share my sotry.

My husband and I have been married 16 years and have two teenage boys.  Our marriage has always been up and down and we had a 6 month separation 10 years ago during which we did counselling and decided to try again. Like this separation it has been initiated by me.

I have been unhappy for a long time on and off and when I think back I wonder if I have ever really been happy in this relationship.

My husband is very critical of me and has been from the start but my low self esteem means I accepted it . More recently, it has got worse to the point where everything i do is wrong. He yells at me a lot and has done through most of our marriage and everything that goes wrong is always my fault. Both he and I have anxiety and he has unresolved issues from his childhood that he has never worked through.

i hate all the arguing and find myself becoming defensive now with each criticism made. I think i actually have been quite emotionally detached from him for at least the last 18 months and honestly gave up on the marriage then but only recently finally expressed my desire for a separation.

i am the primary breadwinner and also primary caregiver for the kids. My husband left his last job about 4 years ago without talking to me about it and really hasnt worked since. I did not agree to this situation at all, and even not working he didnt  step up to do the house and kids stuff. I feel like i have had to do it all. And i am angry and resentful for that.

The final straw for me came after a recent surgery. I had an accident and ended up in hospital needing a hip replacement and unable to move for a week. My husband was so horrible over the time i was in hospital. He screamed at me each time i called him and so much so a nurse heard and social workers came to see me, he didnt bring the kids in to see me and I was so stressed and anxious leaving aside the surgery about what was happening at home.

i have not been perfect in this marriage and it takes two to make things work or not, but i am not abusive and i have supported my  husband through his work and personal issues. Why am i now feeling guity about wanting to separate. We just seem on different paths. Our communication is awful and the fights just get worse. I have now stopped saying anything when he tries to get a rise out of me as hard as it is not too.

my husband also has lost a lot of weight over the past year and has been having lots of medical tests. I really thought he was super sick. On my 50th birthday i came home to a note that he was leaving me, that he couldnt live with me . This started me thinking and i told him, i agree we cant live together. Immediately he starts crying and saying he didnt mean it, we can work things out. I told him i dont think things can be fixed but that i wasnt going to kick him out with nothing and nowhere to go.  I said we could take our time preparing for the separation. 
 

he continues to get angry with me every day and wont talk to me about our situation at all. He is burying his head in the sand and hoping i will change my mind as i have done in 3 past.

the kicker for me was when i went to the doctor with him recently, two days after  my birthday he admitted he has  been smoking pot, and in more recent months, meth, although he says he has stopped that now. I am so angry as he will have been doing this while i was in hospital and he was looking after the kids. Even leaving everything else aside, i cant get over that. He was doing drugs when taking care of our kids. That explains the weight loss and the mood swings. I never even thought of that as a possibility and felt blind sided by this confession, although i accept he was brave to admit it.

i jut dont understand why i feel so guilty moving forward with a separation. I feel like a monster given his health and job issues. Yet i dont think i can ever be happy with him. I want him to get better and have a good relationship with our kids, which he doesnt at the moment, but i think we are toxic fo each other and don't make each other happy at all. Yet today i am having second thoughts. My anxiety is through the roof.

i just needed to tell my story and put it out there.

 

[basil67]

I'm so glad you're ending this marriage Hopeful999.  Not only would it have been dreadful for you, it would have been horrible for the kids too.

However I think that you're doing the wrong thing by allowing him to linger while this gets sorted out.   I can tell you now that he won't get a job because getting a job would mean a step closer to him having to go.   Not only that, but you're allowing him to stay out of the goodness of your heart and he's still verbally abusing you.   Instead of focusing on your guilt over leaving him, focus on the positive of being a good parent and getting your kids away from this toxic environment.   

The only question for me is how you get him out of there ASAP.   What is your housing situation?  Do you rent or own?  Have you got a lawyer yet?  If not, get one.

Edited to add: Don't feel guilty about kicking him out when he's got health issues and is unemployed.   None of this justifies you tolerating his behaviour for a day longer.   

Edited December 30, 2019 by basil67

[FMW]

The guilt is misplaced - but normal.  You've been together a long time, he's the father of your children.  And even if you resented it, being the primary breadwinner puts you in a position of feeling responsible for him and thus worrying what will happen if you divorce. 

We didn't have children, but I was married for 23 years and the last several years of our marriage my husband had trouble holding down steady employment and my income paid almost all of the bills - including those from his multiple affairs.  We've been divorced 3 1/2 years and I still feel guilty for taking away my emotional and financial stability.  But I know I did what I had to do for my own well-being.  

 

[Mr. Lucky]

On 12/29/2019 at 9:02 PM, Hopeful999 said:

the kicker for me was when i went to the doctor with him recently, two days after  my birthday he admitted he has  been smoking pot, and in more recent months, meth

I wonder if this could have been going on longer than you think?  It could explain his general dysfunction and inability to cover even the basics of life and marriage.

You're only enabling him by continuing to do all the heavy lifting.  You might find some clarity in discussing healthy choices with a counselor or therapist on your own...

Mr. Lucky