23 days of NC he contacted me HELP!!

[georgiagirl76]

Go ahead Art and everyone else- let me have it!

 

He imed me- tonight-and I froze because I wasn't going to respond but he asked me a direct question about my show and I did the wrong thing and replied.

 

I know- I know- bad- bad girl

 

We chatted for a long time. He asked me 1000 questions- He said he was really sad that he had missed the show and wanted to know when I was performing again.

 

We flirted a bit and sex came up- he asked me what my doctor had said (another long story) and I said something about having lots of sex. He said ok whatever- then he said that

"you just enlisted a different response from someone that doesn't necessarily want to think of you having "lots of sex not the easiest thing to deal with you know"

 

He then said he couldn't handle having sex with me.

 

Anyway- I kept saying ok well take care- and he would counter with another question. I was weak- I bit the bait. Then he said that he would be happy to help me take the dogs to the park sometime. I told him that wasn't necessary.

 

I told him that at some point I would like to talk with him. He said "You know my number and are welcome to call me anytime." He asked me if I needed closure-i told him that I was good on closure but that I just wanted to say a couple of things.

 

I said that I didn't think it was my place to call him anymore. I said that he had asked for space and I had given it to him. He said that he thought I needed it too as well. I thanked him and told him that I had figured somethings out.

 

Anyway-it was a mixed bag- he definitely isn't saying "Hey I made a mistake come back to me" and I don't think he wants me too- I was just mad that after 3 weeks of space he is testing the waters. It definitely wasn't just a curtesy "hello"- i could tell by his status and previous im that he was going to try to contact me- wow- im a fool.

 

I mean- if you have kept up with my other posts- we left it open- it wasn't that final. So, I did anticipate him coming back to talk at some point but that conversation was pointless.

 

I wish he would just leave me alone if he doesn't really want anything. The last time his brother called me (weeks after it first happened) he said that he though my ex was confused and just needed time to figure things out- that he knew he loved me and with time it would work out.

 

I don't have that kind of time. I want to move on and heal. I don't want to hang on to some idea that it will all work out but again it is really hard not to miss him and want him.

 

I know- I am a fool. I think when i do get to see him I am going to tell him that if it is really over then he needs to come get his stuff and give me the key back because being friends is not an option.

 

Let me have it- I deserve it but when you are done reprimanding me give me some encouragement because I feel angry and empty (no tears though!)

[NewLee40]

How about this?

 

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

Tough call, hard to resist. All in all, if you had to talk to him, you handled it ok. I think it will be easier to resist the next time. You are getting there hon.

 

On the other hand, I know this rubs salt in your wound and that's not good at all. I pray that it won't sting for long.

[JS17]

Hi GG, I read your thread. It still really amazes me how much you sound like me at times, I'm sure quite a few people here could vouche for me on that. I'll tell you what everyone told me, stop being so hard on yourself. You're not "bad" or "foolish" for responding to his contact. You did something, period, not right, not wrong, you just acted. You're a human being with emotions. If you could walk away so easily without caring...THEN I would be worried. I think you also found some things out that might help you to move on as well. You know now that he's clearly not interested in getting back together with you, there are no mixed signals...

 

"you just enlisted a different response from someone that doesn't necessarily want to think of you having "lots of sex not the easiest thing to deal with you know"

 

He then said he couldn't handle having sex with me.

 

He said "You know my number and are welcome to call me anytime." He asked me if I needed closure

 

It's tough, you opened up some wounds but I'm really glad you have the answers you were looking for and that there are no longer question sitting in the back of your mind (I know you're going to come back and say there's still a chance). You'll probably fall out of NC again a couple of times and it's ok. You know it will only hurt you each time you do speak to him and eventually you'll stop doing it.

 

I know how much you're hurting right now and how much you're missing him. Sometimes I have a hard time reading your posts because it really brings me back to what I went through in the beginning of the year. I even teared up a bit reading what you wrote because I really can understand and feel your pain. If there's anyone that has posted on this board that I truly have faith in a full recovery it's you. You'll get there, you seem like a great woman. Stop being so hard on yourself and give in to your feelings and they will eventually fade and stop hurting so much. We're always here for support.

[Art_Critic]

Anyway-it was a mixed bag- he definitely isn't saying "Hey I made a mistake come back to me"

 

Okay.. I'm not going to bust your chops..

 

but read your own words... Telling very telling

 

 

 

we left it open- it wasn't that final.

 

 

What I haven't seen yet is the open door.. Almost all the doors here seem closed.. and if one opens nobody is walking thru them because.. And this is just my opinion.. You both know it really is over !!

 

To me it seems you are in the same place you were 23 days ago.

 

You hanging on to his every whim of contact hope...

 

I'm afraid nobody can tell you what to do but if I may add... I think you either need to finalize it with him and end all contact and express to him that you are moving on.. Or make a play for him and try and get him to open up and give you what you are looking for ..

 

This yoyo effect is not healthy for you

 

Kinda a shi* or get off the pot situation..

[JS17]

Kinda a shi* or get off the pot situation..

 

That was beautiful. It brought a tear to my eye.

[heartnsoul]

Just a thought but why not be the one to take the bull by the horns and ask that he remove his belongings from your house? He did ask for space but you're just as much in control of this situation as he is. You've said that you want to heal and him removing his 'ties' will allow that to happen fully. This is your life as well! Express to him that you need to move forward with your life and if he decides one day that he in fact wants you in his life than that's his call but (in so many words) you might not be there when that time comes.

 

This sounds harsh but I'm sure there's a way to put this into motion w/out it being nasty.

[georgiagirl76]

Hey all

I am finally calmed down enough to reply- at least I got ANGRY and not SAD!!!

 

I told him that I needed to talk to him about some things. Not right away but I am going to take him up on the offer of taking the dogs to the park. I want to talk to him face to face and tell him the things that I need to say then I will tell him that he can't have it both ways. He can't have his space and be my friend and keep me around "just in case."

 

Art- I am not trying to dodge my responsibility in the healing/moving on department and I do appreciate all your words so bare with me. I understand that you don't see that the door was open. I can tell you that he left it very questionable- he stated that we could get back together after we spent time together but right now we just needed some space and time.

 

Anway- the point is- the main reason we broke up was that he firmly believed that I wouldn't be happy if he was in the military for life and I was practicing law- I just need to tell him some things about that- get rejected to my face and then tell him to get his things and give my key back.

 

He can't have it both ways- telling me that he missed me this weekend and is sorry that he coudln't come see my show and that he wanted to see the next one. Then suggesting that we get together to go to the park and saying that he was giving me time to think and take space to and that I can call him anytime- it sucks. He knew that he wanted the break up and I didn't. Therefore, he is being selfish by contacting me.

 

Of course I was hanging on to hope Art, I loved him. However, I wasn't obsessing over it like I have in the past with breakups- I didn't live with my cell phone attached to my hip and I never expected or hoped he would call. I had gotten to the point this week that I didn't want to hear from him at all and then he left the im on Friday (which I didn't respond to) and now this.

 

I am addressing Art by name because he has always been blunt with me and I like that he always tells me what he believes is the truth and not necessarily the popular answer. I really feel better about my progress in this breakup than the last one I had- however, you have said that you dont' think I have done anything in the past 23 days. Hmm- Well keep the support coming. I need it!!!

[georgiagirl76]

PS

He said he couldn't handle having sex with me because it would be too much- and it would be too hard emotionally- not that it matters but the way I wrote it made it sound somewhat different.

[In Sync]

Just because he contacted you and you replied...it doesn't mean you've given him control over you. It's not a witness protection program. The NC gave you time to reflect on this relationship and hopefully you realized what you got or didn't get out of it. It was healing time.

Sometimes in life we have to take responsibility for what we allow into our lives, our happiness and unhappiness. You allowed the conversation to get flirty and then he drops the axe and says "he couldn't handle having sex with me." Sorry, but you invited that. If you know what you want from him or a relationship and he's not willing to fork it up, it's your responsibility to do what's BEST for you. When you say "I wish he would leave me alone", please don't take this wrong but you are not a little girl...wishing is what children do. If you don't want to be bothered state that to him and accept the outcome. Its your life. Take charge of it. You'll be stronger for it.

[JS17]

How's this for blunt...it will be too emotional for him because while he has feelings for you, he doesn't want to be with you. He's smart enough to know that sex will bring up all of those feelings and it will confuse him into potentially thinking that he wants to be with you again...cause he knows right now that he doesn't.

[Art_Critic]

He knew that he wanted the break up and I didn't. Therefore, he is being selfish by contacting me.

Great way to look at it ..

 

Of course I was hanging on to hope Art, I loved him.

 

I know you did/do .. I've been in your shoes before.. and most likely will be in the future..

Nothing wrong in the game of love.. Everybody heals at different rates.

 

 

however, you have said that you dont' think I have done anything in the past 23 days.

 

I was refering to your moving on/healing process. that is where the yoyo effect is killing you..

But I think you have a great head on your shoulders and have gotten thru this breakup earning extra mileage points.. You are doing great !!

 

I do think that you do need to finalize the breakup like you had mentioned

 

Anway- the point is- the main reason we broke up was that he firmly believed that I wouldn't be happy if he was in the military for life and I was practicing law- I just need to tell him some things about that- get rejected to my face and then tell him to get his things and give my key back.

 

 

And don't think that sticking up for yourself is about getting rejected.. He has already rejected you and you already felt that pain and dealt with it..

 

Do a face to face when you are ready

[georgiagirl76]

I give up. I can't communicate my thoughts or even my conversations correctly on here anymore. You guys are all right- however my friends have a totally different opinion than the one from here. They think he isn't ready to let go and that he wants to keep me around incase he gets to that point. I left out key elements but it doesn't really matter.

 

I know that he is still curious and interested. I also know that he is scared. He told me that when he gets too close he sometimes runs. He also said that he wants to spend time with me- hang out and if the magic is there it is there.

 

I am just so low right now- I am not sad- I am not angry anymore. I am empty. I wish he had respected me and not contacted me after 3 weeks. I mean I can't imagine anyone who claims to need space want to just jump right back into a friendship after only 3 weeks. Even after the sex comment he asked if he could do anything for me or come over and help me with anything. He then offered to meet me in the park with the dogs etc. He said he missed me and a bunch of other things. I didn't really respond like he may have expected and no matter how many times I said "Well have a good game, bye- he would ask another question 'So hows the business going-

It was like crazy. I should have just ignored him.

 

There are no answers. But this isn't normal- I mean contacting me after 3 weeks suggesting we get together- then making comments like "oh do you need closure on some things" after i said it wasn't a good idea to hang out but that I would like to talk to him one last time.

 

Well this is pointless- I am sure that I have said something that will spark some kind of criticism as to what I have done wrong or how I have behaved.

 

I posted here and therefore I deserve it. I wish there was a word to express how I feel right now.

 

Empty is the best I can do

[Art_Critic]

How about a hug ???

[smile95]

ok take this from someone who screws up the NC process EVERYTIME!

 

 

PLEASE do not get your hopes up......that is prob your first reaction...where I screw up too.

 

Do not be surprised if he contacts you a few more times and then does not for a while. Do yourself a favor and stick to NC on your end.

 

The after affects of all of this sucks if you get your hopes up

 

Be strong.

[bendit]

You know it never ever fails. Someone will inform us about how many days they are on NC and they feel great! But read a bit further and you realize there is no such commitment to NC.

 

You begin to understand that there are significant leaks in the NC covenant, leaks that will ALLOW contact to flow in. This is NOT NC and should NOT be presented as such. Its about being honest with yourself as well as fellow Love Shacker's. Don't talk the NC talk without Trying to walk it. Call it something else but don't call it NC!

 

In this case, it was very clear that the poster was not really ready for real NC and alas it was proven by the complete breakdown of NC at the drop of a hat. The poster was simply in wait and see mode and entirely ready to answer contact. She was, however, not going to INITIATE contact.

 

Answering an ex lover who is no longer interested in a relationship, but wanting contact, is accepting degrading manipulation.

 

We have to view these incidents as a lesson for all coping Love Shackers. A breakdown of NC will lead to a major set back in the recovery process.

 

Mostly, I wish to ask coping posters to be completely honest with themselves and admit when they are not really practicing NC, especially when the title of the posts trumpets to the community how many days they are "ON" it.

 

I feel for you. And I am sorry you gave in this time. Its not the end of the world but it should be viewed as educational to all here who are coping. However, with the leaks set up in the NC foundation, it was very obvious something like this was Bound to happen.

 

That's because unless you are 100% committed to really going on NC, then your attempt to HEAL YOUR LIFE will be further delayed. What do you want? Do you want to heal your life or continue to swim in the MUCK of this back and forth drama? Its up to you, AND NOT the person who had the audacity to try and suck you back in by contacting you. They are going to do what they will do and you can't control that. You can control your responses, however.

 

Lets be honest about when we are ready to go NC and when we are simply paying lip service to it. Its OK if you aren't ready for NC but lets try not to frame it any other way than that.

 

regards and best of luck

 

Mike

[In Sync]

bendit... mike

Well said....and duly noted. Whenever someone cuts through b.s. it's refreshing.

thanks...I look back over my experience and where I thought I was doing NC, guess I wasn't.

[francis]

Bendit, I am so glad to read your post in response to this.

 

GG I dont know how you could have put yourself out there so blatantly. If you were so ready to move on, you dont offer yourself on a piece of string and dangle yourself in front of him, ready for him to bite a chunk out of you.

 

I hope that in time you will find your way through this.

 

Not initiating contact is one thing. Not responding is another. NC is both of these.

 

Today is my breakthrough day. In all the patterns that have emerged in the past, my ex and i have never reached this point before. I am ignoring him and it is killing me but i know it is for the best, after the bat and ball game we have been playing for months.

 

I think this shows that it is easy to give other people advice on NC but very difficult to practice what you preach.

 

Beth is right. So many knock downs will eventually teach you that it hurts just as much to respond and engage. You will learn that unless he comes to you with directness, explicitly wanting to work on saving the relationship, anything else is meaningless. And we can all make excuses for what it could mean, but ultimately it will sink us deeper unless we cut the ties.

[georgiagirl76]

Art- thanks for the hug. I am doing better this morning. I read over my conversation and realized how I really didn't give in at all and I was strong. I am proud of myself for turning him down several times when he offered to come over or meet me out. However, some people seem to think I am a fraud.

 

Bendit

I am not going to argue with you- you have every right to use me as an example but if you really were following my posts you would see that I didnt' respond to him the first time he contacted me. He imed me before and I didn't respond.

 

Secondly, I never said that I was practicing strict NC and that I wouldn't talk to him. Again, if you had read my posts from the beginning you would know that there was unfinished business and that he would be contacting me after some time passed. I made it very clear in my last post prior to this thread that I would not "initiate" contact with him and I would only reply to him if he contacted me asking me a direct question not just a "hey how are you." I wanted more time to go by and I wanted to be stronger before I said "hey give me back my key and come get your stuff, it is time to move on- you have had your space now the time for a decision has come and gone."

 

I was taking as much time as possible so I could be strong and not go running back to him at the "first sign of communication" as you put it. I did well and I am glad I responded to him. I was very strong and at every point he suggested getting together I told him no and that I didn't think it was necessary.

 

Like I said- I am always open to comments and criticism- this is after all a forum and I put my story out there in hopes to inspire others. I don't expect people to agree with me or even think what I am doing is right- but I do feel that you haven't really read my posts or know where I am coming from.

 

I am very much aware that waiting for him is self-destructive. I am also at a better place than I have ever been after a break-up. I am proud of myself for refusing his help when he asked to come over (I broke my foot this weekend). I also told him that I didn't need closure nor did I think it was a good idea to see him.

 

If I was some drooling little girl as you seem to indicate I would have said "Yes, come on over, I broke my foot and I need you. Or meeting in the park would be swell." I am going to mess up, healing can be a messy learning experience but I have always been honest with my posts. I wouldn't do me any good to say "I don't still have feelings for him-" when in fact I do. Or- "I am not going to talk to him" when in fact I would.

 

Like I said- if you are still reading at this point- I am glad you posted to my thread- I appreciate your harsh words. I just hope that you see me as a person attempting to do the right thing- not trying to avoid my responsibility- instead of just being a "lesson for all LServers" as if I don't have feelings.

[georgiagirl76]

Beth

I am glad you have had a breakthrough day. I am glad that you are on top of your game. I am also glad that I did respond to him because I was able to say things that I needed to say and remain strong. If all I am is a learning too for people so be it.

 

This hasn't been a pattern for me- we aren't in some break up get back together cycle. I no longer have any illusions of getting back together with him.

 

I am sorry that all of you think my posts are bs now. As I indicated earlier- I should probably quit posting because I seem to just make people upset. I wish you all well.

 

I am not devastated or sad. I am happy and very happy that I actually did respond to him. Now I can go on and not wonder what his motives are or why he is contacting me. It is obvious that he wants to keep me close by but not get back together. That isn't going to happen. I won't fall for that.

 

Have a good day and stay strong- I am sorry that I disappointed you- especially you Beth.

[bendit]

gg, I really have been reading your posts. And that's why I was apparently harsher than some of the others. I am not punishing you for fowling up. We all do that. Don't forget, what we write here is read by many, even if its in your thread.

 

I believe you're still confused about what you REALLY want. There is some confusion in your communications, which is fine and expected at this point. Nothing at all wrong with that. Its an online journal in that sense.

 

However, I think you have also been trying to appear stronger and further along than you really are. For example, you have been titling your posts with NC when in reality you were never in an NC situation. This is misleading and some LS newbies should always be made aware what REAL NC is all about.

 

If you go back and read your posts of the last few days, you were very proud of your position in this illusion of NC. But it was all a mirage. You were not in NC. That's all I am saying. We all Simply neet to be HONEST about where we are.

 

You are still sorting stuff out and appear to me eager to start up again provided you hear the magic words you desire. In fact a better place for your threads would probably be in Second Chances because deep down I think that's what you are really hoping for. If you weren't then you would take every imaginable step to eliminate contact with your ex. And that's what it will Eventually take, if you ever do get serious about moving on.

 

I support you 100% and we all make mistakes on our road to recovery. I made some early in my road. I am merely suggesting that we be ruthlessly honest about where we are in that process so that the community here can get the most from our interactions with each other.

 

It appears you have your heart set on seeing him in the flesh at least one more time. I hope this goes well for you but my fear is it will be a disappointment. That's all well and good because its part of the learning process and it may get you to a place where you really are in a position to go NC and begin to heal from this break up.

 

I wish you the best..

 

Regards

 

Mike

[In Sync]

georgiagirl76

 

Try to hear the message and get past the messengers. Nothing is personal and don't take it as such. Whatever comments you read sit back and just be with them, reacting defensively is a tiny weeny bit of resistence. No one is beating up on you, but through your posts its does sound like a frustrating situation you've been through. Would you prefer coddling? Do you want people to read your posts and keep saying you did good in how you dealt with him when it's our opinion that your frustration came from dealings with your ex. Its confusing what kind of feedback you want from us at LS, if you write go ahead be harsh.

[georgiagirl76]

Mike

As I said- I welcome all your comments. Really, I am not the kind of person that just wants to hear the compliments. I do agree with you about maybe I mislead people by the "NC" title but it wasn't intentional.

 

I did want to see him one last time. There were things I wanted to say to him but I assure you getting back together is not an option for me. We are adults and if he wants to keep me around just in case he changes his mind- it isn't going to happen. I wanted to tell him that to his face-that I am not going to wait around and that it isn't fair nor healthy for either of us. I am sorry that he misses his dog- he has an option to take her or leave her with me. Also, he needs to get his things and give me my key back etc.

 

You are so right-I was hoping for a reconciliation. I don't think I ever denied that but I am sure that I may have given that impression that I was hiding it. I did hope that when we "got back together to see where things were after some time (his words upon the I need space convo) that things would be ok. However, I guess I felt strong and better and expressed that in my posts because in the past I had not been good at letting go and not initiating contact. I did that immediately this time and didn't become a slave to my cell phone or email. I was proud of that- I was proud of not waiting for him to contact me. I was also proud of telling his family that I care about them but not to contact me right now.

 

However, overall you are correct that I was calling it NC and I am wrong for that. I apologize for misleading anyone- I assure you that it wasn't intentional. I thought it was clear in some of my posts that we were going to end up talking in a few weeks eventually.

 

I am not devastated by our conversation nor do I feel like it has set me back. In the past this kind of thing would have sent me into tears or an attempt to figure it out. All it did was reinforce my feeling that we can't be together and that I don't think a friendship is possible or healthy now. I messed up- and I am the first to accept responsibility when I am wrong.

 

I feel bad that I seem to have misled people or "appeared stronger than I was' to fool people. I truly didn't have that intention and I hope that maybe this post will help you see that. Thanks again for taking the time out of your life to respond. Again, it is always healthy to have criticism- it helps me grow as a person and learn from my mistakes.

[georgiagirl76]

PS

When I stated "In the past" I meant with other breakups not with him. I haven't ever had a break up with him before this- when I read what I posted it sounded like we were on a break up get back together cycle.

[georgiagirl76]

In Sync

No not at all. I am sorry I sounded defensive. I welcome your comments and criticism. I don't want you to sugar coat it. Thanks for all your time and comments. I know when I am wrong and clearly I messed up this time. I am still at a point where I feel healthier in the break up process than I was in previous break ups- that is more than likely why it may seem like I am happier with my progress than I should be. I know I have miles to go before I am home. Thanks again. It means a lot to me.

[Art_Critic]

GG.. Quit apoligizing and trying to defend yourself here..

 

It is all about healing and moving on and I think that you have been moving in a forward direction the whole time you have been posting..

 

I do agree with some of the other posters about the NC thing and I also think that maybe some of the confusion comes from the fact that you do not know yet where you want to take this ex..

 

And no I'm becoming a softy ... I've alway's given my opinion no matter what and that is what I'm doing now..