Contacting my old -opposite gender- best friend for reconcilation?

[_heartbroken_]

I was best friends with a guy i'd dated first but then rejected. We are both extreme introverts but the two of us hit it off so well we hung out nearly everyday for 2 years. The last couple of months things were complicated though. He'd acted like a jerk and I was gonna ditch him for good but he begged and begged until I forgave him. Then my emotions for him just suddenly returned, I wanted a relationship, I couldn't say it straight out due to shyness but he figured it out based on my actions and confronted me about it. He seemed upset and said that I should've told him that I wanted more than friendship a couple weeks earlier because now it was too late... And he refused to explain WHY it was too late. We remained best friends though. One night a misunderstanding in a text convo led him to get mad at me because he thought I hadn't let go the last time he'd been a jerk and therefore to him I was a fake friend who only pretended to like him and that I was still mad and hated him. He was too upset to hear me out and then turned it so that i'm actually upset at him because i'm in love with him and can't have him. That hurt me quite badly + it wasn't true, I had let that go already and started dating which I told him. I then went to bed as it was around 2 am and he was impossible to reason with, and he'd had outbursts over nothing in the past so I figured in the morning or in a couple of days or so it'd be fine again as usual but he went so far as to delete me on FB.

At first I was too perplexed and upset to care and I let 2 months pass without even TRYING to get in touch.
Then when I added him on FB again because I was so sad over missing him that I was crying he actually accepted the friend request and even asked me what I wanted to say to him so I told him I want us to remain friends but even though he'd asked and all he ignored the reply and ghosted me but I kept begging him for days to reply until he did and said that we ARE friends but too different as people + he has no desire to talk to me right now. His tone made it sound as though I had hurt him somehow and he was still upset at the time.

Now about a year and a half has passed and I really miss him as my friend but I happen to know he's living with a woman his age since a year back and I suppose it's a girlfriend. He deleted me on FB again immadiately after sending that last text, but he's kept me on all his other social medias but hasn't attempted to contact me. I am upset because he could go from always saying how important our friendship is to him to abandoning it over a simple text message. He couldn't even settle it with me in person and give us a chance to clear up the misunderstandings that led to this because that's all, misunderstandings caused this!

I've many times considered texting him, just sending a short paragraph explaining that I know it's been a while but I feel like everything ended so suddenly and that I can't quite wrap my head around what happened exactly and then ask if he'd be willing to settle everything - preferably in person as it was text messaging that made everything come out the wrong way - and if not... just ignore my message and I won't bother you again.
But i'm afraid he'll block me or reply something mean and sarcastic, he can be that way. He has quite a temper sometimes. Plus us being of different genders of course complicates further (especially IF he has a girlfriend). I miss him so much though and I want to reconcile even if that's all and we don't stay in touch after... Is that wrong? I'm so scared of being vulnerable and getting shot down though. I rarely open myself up, even to him...

Please leave your thoughts and advice on what I should do.

[_heartbroken_]

Reply??????

[introverted1]

You both sound very young.

Why do you want to reopen this?  It does not sound as though the friendship meant anywhere near as much to him as it does to you.  It might be better to just close this chapter and move on with friends with whom your exchanges are not so fraught.

[PinkFlamingo]

It's probably too difficult to juggle feelings for you and his girlfriend at the same time, so one of you had to go. You broke his heart and he healed, and when he found someone else, you showed up again causing tumult and confusion. He probably thinks you're too complicated, first you date, then you do not want to date him and just want him as a friend, then you change your mind again.

If I were him, I would probably block you as well, it's too difficult to maintain that kind of close friendship with a person when you are in a relationship with someone else.

Edited January 1, 2020 by PinkFlamingo

[stillafool]

You cannot be his FRIEND period because you want more and he knows this.  He is involved with someone else and I'm sure she wouldn't want a girl who is pretending to be his friend but wants more around her boyfriend.  If you are crying and begging to be someone's friend it isn't going to happen because authentic friendships don't work that way.  Being his friend would mean getting to know his girl, cheering them on and double dating with them and your dates.  Are you ready for that?

[_heartbroken_]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

You cannot be his FRIEND period because you want more and he knows this.  He is involved with someone else and I'm sure she wouldn't want a girl who is pretending to be his friend but wants more around her boyfriend.  If you are crying and begging to be someone's friend it isn't going to happen because authentic friendships don't work that way.  Being his friend would mean getting to know his girl, cheering them on and double dating with them and your dates.  Are you ready for that?

I would act nice to her and be her friend if it meant he was in my life again yeah

[_heartbroken_]

5 hours ago, PinkFlamingo said:

It's probably too difficult to juggle feelings for you and his girlfriend at the same time, so one of you had to go. You broke his heart and he healed, and when he found someone else, you showed up again causing tumult and confusion. He probably thinks you're too complicated, first you date, then you do not want to date him and just want him as a friend, then you change your mind again.

If I were him, I would probably block you as well, it's too difficult to maintain that kind of close friendship with a person when you are in a relationship with someone else.

I never "showed up again" he wanted to remain best friends. I was ready to leave the friendship 2 months earlier and he basically begged me not to and i'm pretty sure that, if it's as serious as them moving in together a few months later, they were already dating at that point. He didn't like us discussing our dating lives so I wouldn't know for sure but i'm pretty sure that's why he rejected me as he said "it's too late NOW" but that it wouldn't have been weeks earlier. So in that case, first he begs me to stay friends with him and says i'm too important to lose, then suddenly changes his mind in a sec. He even assured me around this time he was dating her that if he met someone he wouldn't let her separate us. Plus during the last fight I sent him proof I was seeing someone else and therefore really fine with just being his friend, since he accused me of not being fine with this, and that only made him more upset it seemed. So I don't really understand, this can't be the actual reason he abandoned. He's leaving something out. It feels a little disrespectful he wouldn't explain the full reason for this. He did actually say our relationship got too complicated... But he didn't exactly make it easier. He has a very bad temper at times, that's why I wanted to leave the friendship myself several times. But in the end he means so much to me.

Edited January 1, 2020 by _heartbroken_

[_heartbroken_]

6 hours ago, introverted1 said:

You both sound very young.

Why do you want to reopen this?  It does not sound as though the friendship meant anywhere near as much to him as it does to you.  It might be better to just close this chapter and move on with friends with whom your exchanges are not so fraught.

He said many times how much it meant to him, so in that case he lied. He last said it not long before he abandoned it a few weeks later because like I wrote we had a big fight because he'd been a jerk to me again and he begged me to forgive him because he can't lose my friendship. That's sending very mixed signals i'd say. Plus after I admitted new emotions for him he started acting more affectionate towards me than before on top of that. I don't know why he would do that. If he was confused about his own emotions maybe. Icould've understood and accepted if he was and wanted to leave me behind in the end due to that but what I don't get is why he'd instead hide his girlfriend from me and confuse my feelings just because he's confused about his. I expect honesty from a best friend. But I guess there'd be no point trying to find out why then. In that sense I have better friends nowadays, but they're not him.

Edited January 1, 2020 by _heartbroken_

[stillafool]

I think you are smart to move on with our better friends at this point.  I think the other guy probably wanted to have sex with you and that is why he hid his gf (as you say) but time ran out and they ended up in a relationship.  This happened to me once.  A guy I had a crush on said we were best friends and he would never want to lose me but as soon as he had a gf he dropped me like a hot potato.  It hurts but you have to move on.

[JTSW]

Don't contact him. He doesn't want it.

If he did, he would've contacted you a long time ago.

You have to let this go. You are sounding too desperate.

Leave him be and let him get on with his own life, and you get on with yours.

As someone here said, close that chapter, it's over.

[schlumpy]

You don't have many options. You can put this relationship on standby. On standby you would keep in touch just enough to know if he's still with his GF. Once you clearly understand that relationship is over you can turn on the charm. You can wait and watch but you should also date. You may meet someone that will make this whole episode in your life fade into the background and then it will be you deleting him off FB.