nospam99 Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 TL/DR but I can't easily summarize. Take this as a warning before you read on. LOL because it's been a while since I started a thread to ask 'advice' i.e. opinions of what I should do. Met a woman at dance parties this past Friday and Saturday. She's a sweetheart i.e. nice person, good dancer, good follow, fun to dance with. She went out of her way a bit to ask me to dance (I asked her as well and we both danced with several other people - typical social dance behavior) and to give me information about another regularly scheduled party that I wouldn't have otherwise been aware of. Her appearance is as older than I am. Let's call her A. She is somewhat similar in appearance to the photos of another woman, definitely two years older than me, let's call her B, who I'd sent an unsolicited and never read message to on Match months ago. That is not unusual - people come and go on OLD. If they just 'go', messages sent to them may never be read. Today I was reviewing meetups to see if there were any that I might be interested in adding to my calendar. While checking out one potentially interesting meetup, I noticed a photo of one of the attendees, whose photo matches one of B's photos AND whose name is the same as A's. Occam's razor sez (sic) this is the same woman. In general, I'm not sure what to do. I can't be 'certain' this is the same woman, only highly 'confident'. The way she interacted with me at the dance parties was in a 'gray area' between outright flirting and merely being friendly to another dancer. Since she disappeared from OLD, I have no idea if she is still 'single' and whether or not she's currently seeking a relationship. Her age might be a 'fly in the ointment' with respect to my more physically active interests. She passes my 'looks filter', but not by a lot i.e. at least one level below Natalie, who is at this point is nothing more than a standard for comparison. I can't say I 'feel' romantically interested at this point. I'd certainly enjoy dating her: dancing, dinner, movies, etc. and, with time spent together, she might 'grow on me'. I certainly expect to see her again at the next end-of-the-month dance party. I could 'show up' at one of those other parties she told me about - they happen every week. I could 'show up' at the meetup I spotted her in as an attendee. I could even send her an unsolicited message, which I would on meetup.com because that's the only site she appears to be active on. Like I wrote above, I'm not sure what to do. She really hasn't given me enough 'interested' signals for me to be confident she'd be receptive to a dating overture from me. And I don't want to spoil our 'dance party' friendship. So .... I'm curious what you LSers think ..... and WHY. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 I think you should show up at one of the dance parties, either the end-of-the-month or one of the extras she told you about (your choice) and see how it goes. You need more than one meetup to make a good assessment of her, including her availability/interest in pursuing something beyond dancing, and of course about your own level of interest. Keep an open mind about her for now, don't make assumptions based on what you believe is her age. If things go well the next time you see her, and if you're curious about it, bring up the fact that she seems familiar. You don't have to tell her about seeing the other photo if you don't want to, but you can ask if she is on Match. There's nothing wrong with sending her a message, but I think talking to her directly would be the best - it's easier to gauge interest when you see someone's face and get their immediate reaction - not one that might take them some thought and time to send. You were interested enough to make a post about her, so that's a start. See where it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Just enjoy your dance party reality for now? and don't worry too much about online personas is my gut feeling. For me I mean. So for you- follow your gut feeling. I always ask up front early on if someone's married/in another relationship so I'm not inadvertently doing anything to hurt anyone else but if I'm enjoying spending time with someone out socially that's enough most of the time, if the person is fun and genuine in the moment. It comes to a point it's appropriate to 'have a talk' or move into a sexual relationship or sometimes- just stay in a holding pattern and keep having fun. That's how it is for me anyway. But my life moves on so much so often with career or emigrating and I suppose next thing it will be parenting moving into grandparenting, I am coming to realise it's going to be very difficult to marry up two lives if the other person I'm attracted to is doing all the same! Getting to appreciate the phrase 'stars spring into alignment'. So the fun dance party friendship thing is going to be the most fulfilling at this stage maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 I decided to send the following message via meetup.com. I think it's sufficiently low key, friendly, open-ended, and polite ... ''I'm writing because, while reviewing upcoming meetups for potential adds to my calendar, I spotted your familiar name and close-enough-to-familiar photo on an event for [name of singles meetup group]. Wondering if you might be 'the [woman's name]' who I met at recent [name of non-meetup community dance group] events, I thought I'd ask. If not, sorry to bug you!'' Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 24 minutes ago, nospam99 said: I decided to send the following message via meetup.com. I think it's sufficiently low key, friendly, open-ended, and polite ... ''I'm writing because, while reviewing upcoming meetups for potential adds to my calendar, I spotted your familiar name and close-enough-to-familiar photo on an event for [name of singles meetup group]. Wondering if you might be 'the [woman's name]' who I met at recent [name of non-meetup community dance group] events, I thought I'd ask. If not, sorry to bug you!'' a bit creepy nospam99. makes you sound like you've been researching her on the internetz. Oh well, what's done is done. Try to meet her IRL , you already know where she'll be. Also, you don't really know much about her cause you met her 5 days ago 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 (edited) I see you've already addressed the issue but my question is: why does it matter? Are you concerned about her being 2 years older (which is essentially the same age as you)? Or is it that you are worried that non-response to your Match message means she is seeing someone? My take is that you should pursue (or not) based on your own level of interest, which seems to be ambivalent, at best. (I'm assuming Natalie was an attractive ex but don't know your back-story.) I also think it's possible she just didn't respond to you on Match for reasons other than that she is seeing someone. People are very different in real life than in even the most representative photos. I've met men who were quite charming/attractive in person but who I might have passed up in an OLD situation for any number of reasons. Edited January 1, 2020 by introverted1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 I think your message was fine, NS. Nothing ventured, nothing gained :). Keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 @alphamale LOL because indeed I have been 'stalking' her on the internetz. Hopefully that is not as obvious in the message as it is from my OP. And, assuming I am correct that she the woman whose profile I spotted on Match.com months ago, between that profile and her meetup profile, I know quite a bit about her. As you say, ''what's done is done''. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 @introverted. It mattered because (unusual for me) I wasn't certain about what to do. I finally decided to send a message because I'm interested enough to not want to wait a month and, then, to only encounter her at an event too crowded and busy to facilitate much person-to-person conversation. To the extent I'm worried about her age, it's mostly the case that I, at 65 y/o, find I'm as physically active as many men 10 or 20 years younger. I hope to meet a woman who can 'keep up with me'. Based on this woman's dancing and other interests listed in her profiles, I'm willing to assume for the moment that she can. She didn't only not respond on Match. According to them, she didn't even read my message. There are so many possible reasons for a ''didn't read'', that I'm not worried about it. 'Natalie' (not her name, but a nickname based on my comparison of her to Natalie Portman) is a 'lost love' who I was in limerence with for about a year and a half after breaking up. A number of LSers (including alpha and CO) probably remember me starting several topics to whine about how sad I was to have lost her. She is very attractive and so healthy and in such good shape that she can keep up with me almost all the time and there would be times I'd enjoy having the challenge of keeping up with her. She's gone as a gf, but remains as a 'high bar' example of possibilities. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 @CO. Thanks for the positivity! Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 @nospam99 So what will you say if she replies and says, "yes, I am 'A'"? I think we've all had a Natalie (or Nate). Hard to find a second one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Seems that the chances of this being the same woman are high So not sure why you sent that message. Sounds like you are trying to catch her out... that message would give me pause... not only are you "researching" me but the "sorry for bugging you" is not great. If you were interested then why not just show up at the new parties or if not then give them a swerve. They are a new venue for you so you should go anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 2 hours ago, nospam99 said: She's gone as a gf, .... That truly is a shame nospam99. Yes I remember those threads Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 @introverted. If ALL she says is ''yes, I am 'A''', I'll probably just step back. This is a 'give and take conversation'. Like any message, call, or face-to-face chat, I'm watching to see if she escalates. I assume that if she has any romantic interest she will ... escalate with a reply, maybe asking a counter question. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 4 minutes ago, nospam99 said: @introverted. If ALL she says is ''yes, I am 'A''', I'll probably just step back. This is a 'give and take conversation'. Like any message, call, or face-to-face chat, I'm watching to see if she escalates. I assume that if she has any romantic interest she will ... escalate with a reply, maybe asking a counter question. how could she have "romantic interest" when you two met 5 days ago? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 @elaine. I'm trying to 'probe' for 'interest' on her part, to see if she'd 'move it along' to a first one-on-one meeting - like the 'meet over coffee' thing. Like I posted in my OP, she could be flirting or she could just be encouraging the newbie to spend more time with the group. Even though she clued me in to these 'other' dance parties, there's no guarantee that she would be at the one I'd pick to attend. In general, the dance parties are just that ... for dancing. Using them to meet someone I'd like to date only goes so far because there is little opportunity for one-on-one conversation. The 'other' dance parties have a number of downsides, one of which is no 'lesson' before the dancing really starts - each 'crowd' uses slightly different footwork based on how the venue hosting the events teaches. So it helps me to get that lesson in, at least until I recover ALL my steps (waltz, foxtrot, tango, rumba, hustle, salsa, six count swing, eight count swing, cha cha, samba, merengue). Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted January 1, 2020 Author Share Posted January 1, 2020 (edited) @alpha. She could have romantic interest if she's searching AND because I'm such a 'catch' (tongue only slightly in cheek on that one :D ) Would it have made more sense if I said 'interest in dating me'? Edited January 1, 2020 by nospam99 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 5 minutes ago, nospam99 said: @alpha. She could have romantic interest if she's searching AND because I'm such a 'catch' (tongue only slightly in cheek on that one ) trust me nospam99, if she has genuine romantic interest in you, you'll know it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 22 minutes ago, alphamale said: how could she have "romantic interest" when you two met 5 days ago? Why not? Some people develop romantic interest in someone the first time they meet them. It's not unheard of.....it's how people decide whether or not to ask someone on a date! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 35 minutes ago, nospam99 said: @introverted. If ALL she says is ''yes, I am 'A''', I'll probably just step back. This is a 'give and take conversation'. Like any message, call, or face-to-face chat, I'm watching to see if she escalates. I assume that if she has any romantic interest she will ... escalate with a reply, maybe asking a counter question. Sorry - I wasn't clear. I was trying to understand if you would pursue once you confirmed she was A (assuming she gave the right signals). You clarified, thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) Funny subject because back during my v short date site career , l was talking to one lady and the very next day we bumped straight into each other in some office building. l remember thinking shyt, they didn't say anything on the date site about this happening wtf do l do. l'm not sure if she recognized me but she sure didn't look like her pics though , so l decided l didn't notice and kept walking. Personally , l wouldn;t say anything just see her next time at the dance, see what happens. lf there's anything there you'll get talking and it'll all come out anyway. Edited January 2, 2020 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 I met this man at the worst possible time, I was in the throes of a severe mental illness anxiety/PTSD after being in a flood then took a job which didn't work out, I thought my life was such a mess at that stage and the last thing I needed was another man, anyway about the third time I bumped into him ( he manages a store ) he said come here and gave me this really lovely hug and accidentally said I love you, it was so natural I have never felt so safe, so loved, it was actually scary and I kept away from him for a while thinking 'you really lost the plot this time woman' type things to myself. I've no idea whether it will ever become a close or permanent love relationship but we are friends and it does make me believe in 'love at first sight' now! I've hardly dipped my toe into online dating, but the last man I gave my number to I just checked he was who he said at his career online first. Back in the day for us old 'uns you just asked around but now it's online! Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Yeah for sure , same , or even if l was just talking to someone maybe it's just our way here but usually everything is out in minutes. For some reason though a date site sitch seems to put this whole other privacy type spin of things . Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 It's too late now, but I don't think you should've messaged her on Meetup. It's honestly just creepy. I think you should've just been patient, attended the dance parties, interacted with her there, and saw how things went in person, without worrying about whether she was the same person from OLD or the same person in the Meetups. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts