Maturest Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 Hello All, I am new to forum, Think I need to vent, this may be long. Let me start by telling everyone I am 64 years old and have been married for 45 years. All of those years haven't been perfect, but we had a troubled patch about 6 years ago and with talking and listening we seemed to work it out, shortly after this reconciliation my husband had a motorcycle accident and almost lost his foot, I stayed at the hospital with him for over 2 weeks and then took care of him at home for about another 2 years. We have sold 2 houses in that time frame and moved to Missouri to be near our youngest grandchildren. We haven't had the most romantic relationship since the accident, because of medications we both are taking, sort of makes you uninvolved and him erectile disfunction. The only thing I have ever asked of him is to please talk to me about any problems that may be festering between us to talk to me before starting something that could make things worse. Well on Dec 19th, after finding emails sent to me from a bank (thought we might have been hacked) I told him and he up and says he wanted a divorce, he wasn't happy any longer and we acted like two separate people living in the same house. I was surprised but he had been acting strangely lately going to bed early like 6-7 pm at night just said he didn't feel well, he had been taking naps in the afternoon for a long time after the accident. I asked if he thought counselling would help and he said no and also not legal separation, of course I asked if there was someone else and he emphatically said NO. So I said divorce would be all right with me as it seemed he had already made his mind up. Should have known something was up. Well on Christmas night I was walking in the hallway by the bedroom and heard a strange conversation, I am sorry to say but I kept on listening, thought maybe he was talking to a friend, well it was a girlfriend, I heard him say sexual things and figured that out right away. I'm not an idiot I went to our phone bills and looked at call logs and saw where he had been calling someone 3,4 sometimes 6 times a day for over 2 months. That doesn't even include facetime calls. How could I have been so blind to the signals, I sure don't want him back, but feel lost at this age starting over. I am trying to look for the silver lining and it peeks through once in awhile. I have wonderful daughters and 5 sometimes wonderful grandchildren and a top notch LAWYER, that hubby hates. Thanks for letting me vent Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 I'm so sorry to read this. My 23 year marriage ending in divorce was an adjustment, I can't imagine how much more daunting it seems after 45. Over time I think it's easy to just go on auto-pilot, especially when you're dealing with health issues. Relationships deteriorate slowly over time and sometimes you don't notice until things have gone too far. You just think "this is the way it is". It's scary to have to make such a big change at a point when you expected to be relaxing and coasting into the sunset together, but it sounds like you are well prepared to make the transition with a good attorney to guide you and children and grandchildren to focus on. Once everything is finalized it's very likely you will find a new excitement and enjoyment of life - you get to make your decisions based on your own choices and might find out things about yourself you never knew. Don't dwell on recriminations of yourself or your husband, stay positive and look forward to good things. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 (edited) From what you describe it sounds like your husband fall into a depression after the accident, that maybe why you are shocked by this turn of events. I dont really have any advice because I cant imagine how woven your life is with him. I cant imagine what it's going to take to disassemble your life together. I just want to say this is a good place to find support and to let you know you have been heard. Edited December 31, 2019 by DKT3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maturest Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 I know he was depressed he told me numerous times, I tried to get him to see someone but he wouldn't. He would get on facebook and look at the city we both grew up in and reminisce about the past all the time. I would try to get him to talk about things that we wanted to do in the future, but to no avail. I tried to get him to go to the community center that I go to, but he wouldn't. I do worry about him getting taken advantage of, you can't be someone that many years without caring. He seems like he is living in the past and won't look towards the future. That maybe what the OW is doing is letting him talk about the past, but to me that isn't good for him. He made his decision and I have to live my life at this point, can't keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 31, 2019 Share Posted December 31, 2019 3 hours ago, Maturest said: He made his decision and I have to live my life at this point, can't keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. Sad but true. I'm in your age group and am always surprised when 30-40 yr long marriages dissolve, it would seem one would have found acceptance at that point in the strengths and weaknesses all relationships have. Sorry you're going through this, keep friends and family close. And keep posting... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maturest Posted December 31, 2019 Author Share Posted December 31, 2019 I think what bothered me the most is he lied about the EA he was having with someone in Louisiana, if he was unhappy he should have done something about it before he started anything with someone else. I don't feel he respects me when he could talk to someone on facetime when I was in the house, that did it for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 20 hours ago, Maturest said: that did it for me And the truth is, when dealing with infidelity, you're seeing the tip of the iceberg. I'd guess there was other contact that would cause you equal or greater discomfort. Maturest, sounds like things haven't been good for a long time. Might be time to think about a life with less drama and discord... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maturest Posted January 7, 2020 Author Share Posted January 7, 2020 I moved out to hotel, he was getting hostile because the financial agreement we came up with, I no longer want. I told him originally that my lawyer would need to look over and she said not until all discovery is done. He got new phone and of course didn’t give me the number. He unfriended me on Facebook, I have no problem with that. The only thing I can use for contact is messenger. He is going on vacation on January 11th told him I would move back in then, I feel this may be childish but don’t want to look at him. I figure he is going down to Gulfport to see his EA partner. The sooner we get housold and divorce done the happier I’ll be. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 Sorry to hear all this. Agreeing with the above, whatever his issues may have been, they are not an excuse to cheat. Work on the marriage or leave it; but instead it appears he monkeybranched or has fallen for this OW and that's what's driving this. Affairs don't happen within the day to day reality of living with a person, dealing with their personal habits, listening to them coughing up their morning phlegm, etc, etc. It's NRE or sometimes limerence, with the added thrill of "sneaking around". Don't be shocked if he come crawling back or attempts to lean on you one day if this doesn't pan out. Link to post Share on other sites
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