Transitioning from marriage home to LAT same city

[Baman]

My wife and I are considering living apart together after being together for 13 years and married for 11. (We have no children)

Primarily interested in finding couples who are in LAT (not LDR) relationships having transitioned from married under one roof to separate homes in the same city or town and how this worked or didn't.

IF there are such people here I will likely share our story. 

thanks peoples

[basil67]

What is LAT acronym?

[Baman]

 

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What is LAT acronym?

Hi

L.A.T stands for living apart together. LDR stands for Long distance relationship.

LAT is when a couple is in a committed relationship but chooses to not cohabit in the same home. Some have never lived together, some have chosen to move apart. Those who are in that situation will likely know what LAT means! (most but not all)

[basil67]

So a good friend of mine is LAT with her husband.  It seems to be working a whole lot better than living together.  Is your marriage equally problematic?

[Mr. Lucky]

I was a big fan of mystery author Robert Parker when he was alive, and was interested to read this description of his marriage:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"They ended their ''trapped suburban lifestyle,'' as Mr. Parker put it, in Lynnfield, north of Boston, and with both children grown and out of the house, bought two separate condominiums. They continued to see a lot of each other, but they missed some of the intimate things they liked about living together: spontaneous walks along the Charles River and impromptu Sunday brunches with Mr. Parker, Spenser style, at the stove. Ms. Parker's contribution at mealtime is eating.

Then, in 1986, they found the answer. It was a 14-room house a few blocks from Harvard Square, big enough to let them establish their unusual lifestyle, with two homes separated by an exterior stairway. They've lived there happily ever since.

The house is a three-story Victorian with a mansard roof, just off elegant Brattle Street, where towering trees shade red-brick sidewalks. The hook for Ms. Parker was the stairway that ascended from a side garden to the third floor, where the previous owners had installed a four-room apartment.

Here she set up a full apartment for herself (living room, dining room, galley kitchen, bedroom, bathroom), a place to dine with friends at 9 p.m., her feet on the table, and to watch television alone well into the night. On the second floor, she installed a second full apartment for Mr. Parker, who eats at 6, his feet on the floor, and turns in at 10. Here he could write his customary five finished pages a day, with time to nap and get to the gym before making dinner. (His 41st book, ''Death in Paradise,'' is scheduled for release by Penguin Putnam in October.)

When they wanted to get together for a romantic dinner, they met at his place or hers, and when they wanted to entertain, they did it on the ground floor, where they kept a third kitchen.

''Although I hardly ever used the external tower stairway, I needed to know I could be autonomous,'' Ms. Parker said. ''It was pivotal in our ability to enjoy a combined household.''

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Were it me, I'd miss the little things that come up spontaneously, though to each his own...

Mr. Lucky

[Baman]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

So a good friend of mine is LAT with her husband.  It seems to be working a whole lot better than living together.  Is your marriage equally problematic?

I wouldn't say problematic, however we do have nearly a 20 year age gap, growing apart in some ways while remaining very devoted and loyal to each other, Key differences in interests and my workaholicness has led to some difficulty in getting on. Most days are fine, just that there are certain issues that constantly seem to cause grief. we are in each others company 24/7. literally.

 

[Baman]

18 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said:

 

Were it me, I'd miss the little things that come up spontaneously, though to each his own...

Mr. Lucky

My wife would die for that house and lifestyle. 

I think the great thing about our time is the ability to create marriages and relationships outside of the so called 'normal' culturally approved structures that clearly are not working for society.

I feel there would be plenty of time for spontaneous moments... we're not talking long distance. Still seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week. On top of that we are partners in a business so that still requires daily interactions albiet from remote office some days. 

[Banana Bender]

On 1/1/2020 at 5:29 PM, Baman said:

I think the great thing about our time is the ability to create marriages and relationships outside of the so called 'normal' culturally approved structures that clearly are not working for society.

What utter hogwash.

All that we are seeing is more and more people being selfish, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, gits.

For starters, many LAT relationships are transitory.  Either people entering into and becoming more intimate in their relationship, but currently unable or unwilling to make the commitment of Marriage and/or Cohabitation.  Or the opposite, marriages breaking down, and yet unable to make clear decision about their future.

Of so-called LAT marriages, many are necessitated by work and/or lifestyle needs.  eg one spouse lives in the country house, the other works in the city and lives in an apartment.  One likes early mornings with the dogs and chickens, the other likes entertaining at night, etc.  such relationships may only be part-time apart.
Another reason is that one or both either is or wants to be unfaithful.  Much easier to carry-on with other people if you have your own place.

You haven't really explained the reason behind your suggestion, other than the age-gap and you working too much.  
In all honesty these sound like fundamental issues that need to be addressed, not swept under the rug.
If these issues are so intolerable as to make living together unsustainable.  And you are unable or unwilling to fix them, then you need to accept that LAT will only be an interim step on the path to divorce.

[Veronica73]

I know a couple who owned a 2 flat. She lived upstairs. He lived down. Seemed like a good arrangement. You could do the same thing with a duplex.

[elaine567]

I think it is great idea if you are somewhat co-dependent, want out, but are too scared to make the scary step of actually splitting up.
A protracted and more formal way of introducing "space", but like wanting "space" it is usually a move for at least one of the participants towards separation/divorce.
As you are the workaholic and I guess you are the one 20 years older, your younger wife if she wants this, is probably on her way out...
Has she ever lived alone before?

I think some people do get stuck in this phase, but it is probably due to financial reasons, health reasons or the lack of the ability or desire to find new partners... 
.

[Baman]

37 minutes ago, Banana Bender said:

What utter hogwash.

All that we are seeing is more and more people being selfish, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, gits.

For starters, many LAT relationships are transitory.  Either people entering into and becoming more intimate in their relationship, but currently unable or unwilling to make the commitment of Marriage and/or Cohabitation.  Or the opposite, marriages breaking down, and yet unable to make clear decision about their future.

Of so-called LAT marriages, many are necessitated by work and/or lifestyle needs.  eg one spouse lives in the country house, the other works in the city and lives in an apartment.  One likes early mornings with the dogs and chickens, the other likes entertaining at night, etc.  such relationships may only be part-time apart.
Another reason is that one or both either is or wants to be unfaithful.  Much easier to carry-on with other people if you have your own place.

You haven't really explained the reason behind your suggestion, other than the age-gap and you working too much.  
In all honesty these sound like fundamental issues that need to be addressed, not swept under the rug.
If these issues are so intolerable as to make living together unsustainable.  And you are unable or unwilling to fix them, then you need to accept that LAT will only be an interim step on the path to divorce.

Hogwash?

May I ask if you are speaking from personal experience? If you are, I would be very interested in hearing your L.A.T experience... If not then I politely suggest you just have an opinion that is really of no value to me. You may note, I did not ask what people thought of it. I dont give a f*** if people don't like it or not, that's not my concern.

It really is a perspective thing. All I see is more people no longer being willing to put up with the established societal norm of ''one man one woman under one roof till death do us part'' nonsense imposed by the religious patriarchy and instead seeking to build their own relationships based on what works for them. 

The reason I have not explained the reason in full is simply I 'm not looking for opinions but for people who are actually living it so as to converse with them.

[Baman]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think it is great idea if you are somewhat co-dependent, want out, but are too scared to make the scary step of actually splitting up.
A protracted and more formal way of introducing "space", but like wanting "space" it is usually a move for at least one of the participants towards separation/divorce.
As you are the workaholic and I guess you are the one 20 years older, your younger wife if she wants this, is probably on her way out...
Has she ever lived alone before?

I think some people do get stuck in this phase, but it is probably due to financial reasons, health reasons or the lack of the ability or desire to find new partners... 
.

Hi Elaine, Have you personal experience in living L.A.T or just offering an opinion of what you think people are really up to?

Why do people believe that seeking space inside a relationship is a bad thing? Sure, many do use the whole 'space' line I concur. But not all, and in this case you would have to be privy to a lot of our very deep honest conversations to know its not the case here.

Life isn't always as black and white as the mainstream society tells us it should be... God knows that the old marriage/ relationship model is pretty well f***ed...

 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Baman said:

Life isn't always as black and white as the mainstream society tells us it should be... God knows that the old marriage/ relationship model is pretty well f***ed...

Why are you concerned about mainstream society?
Do you live somewhere where LAT couples are despised or shunned?
 

[Baman]

20 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Why are you concerned about mainstream society?
Do you live somewhere where LAT couples are despised or shunned?
 

Hi Elaine, thanks for your comment. I've read a lot of your comments on other subjects, you seem well versed.

I'm not terribly concerned by mainstream society although I find it rather one eyed, restrictive, morally judgemental and impacted far too much by religion. No, I don't live in some location where i can be shunned. I did reference it because most times alternative lifestyles are mentioned, mainstream society and its adherents have a way of  promoting its norms as the only one true way. 

For example your comment "I think some people do get stuck in this phase, but it is probably due to financial reasons, ...smacks to me of that spirit when in fact it really represents a good many traditional marriages too...stuck, due to financial reasons health reasons or the lack of the ability or desire to find new partners" just as much as it might LAT.

I think you are making a massive assumption that my workaholicness and our age gap = her wanting out. Overworking certainly can cause stress, our age gap really was just a fact not an impact on stress. I've deliberatly not elaborated on my situation because right now I'm not looking for 101 opinions on my life.

Anyway, I would prefer to keep this thread on track of my OP. so i'll ask you again: Have you personal experience in living L.A.T or just offering an opinion of what you think people are really up to? Its just that right now i am looking for couples in LAT to connect with , not debate with those who just have opinions. Perhaps later I'll start a debate thread on it!

Thanks.

[Veronica73]

It’s probably hard to find people who have that experience. I’m very interested in it though. Sometimes I think my ex and I wouldn’t have gotten divorced, or maybe we could even get back together if we could each maintain our own homes.

[Baman]

21 hours ago, Veronica73 said:

It’s probably hard to find people who have that experience. I’m very interested in it though. Sometimes I think my ex and I wouldn’t have gotten divorced, or maybe we could even get back together if we could each maintain our own homes.

There seems to be be plenty of 'news items' about it, mainly focused on celebrities. it is quite rare among the LAT community to find those who have done what we are considering.

If it is done right, for the right reasons and with very honest communication it seems to be a viable way of living.

We seldom hear of the success stories... that's not gossip worthy. But oh my, the ones that don't work? Rest assured you will hear about them!