My new man is visiting family but has completely changed how he text me.

[Myname216]

So I met this guy at the beginning of December. It was an instant connection sparks were flying and everything was great. He’s literally the dream guy. Like amazing personality, handsome, successful, charming, everything. And he had told me that he has never had a girlfriend before and I was the first girl he wanted an actual relationship with. So I’m thinking perfect.

We went out a few times and then he asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes but we decided we needed to slow down a little bit cause we hadn’t known eachother that long so we’d just be exclusive and not be like super public with it. Which was my idea. Anyway during this time he had a trip planned to go visit his family for 18 days. So like before he left we were texting and going on dates all the time. He would tell me how much he likes me and call me cute names and everything. I’m just saying he did that all on his own I didn’t start it, he did.

Anyway he asked me to take him to the airport and I said I would so we spend most of that day together. So I drop him off and he tells me he’s gonna miss me so much and can’t wait to come back so we can be together. So we part and after that he turned into the driest texter in the world. It felt like he didn’t even want to text me and he was just pitty texting me. And like we don’t talk on the phone either so it’s hard because I’m confused at to if I did something wrong or what.

I understand that this is all new and spending time with his family is way more important, but it was such a drastic change should I be worried? 

Edited January 5, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[alphamale]

maybe he doesn't want his family to know about you just yet.  or he could be signaling that he wants to be left alone for a coupla weeks. his demeanor when he comes home will be important

[preraph]

He's still texting so don't worry about it. Maybe he doesn't want to accidentally start feeling sexy while he's around his mother. You don't know what he's doing on the other end of that text. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Noelly216 said:

amazing personality, handsome, successful, charming, everything. And he had told me that he has never had a girlfriend before

I'm not buying that a man who is all this has never had a girlfriend before.   Either you're wearing rose coloured glasses or he's lying about not having had a girl.

[alphamale]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm not buying that a man who is all this has never had a girlfriend before.   

maybe he is gay?

[elaine567]

Family = Mom and Dad, siblings, aunties, uncles, cousins and grand parents
OR 
Family = wife and 2 kids...

[PRW]

The guy is emotionally volatile, erratic, and is "love bombing".  He is either a needy desperate inexperienced guy,...or he is  a narcissist manipulating you.  It can be really hard to tell the difference sometimes. Speed up, slow down, speed up, slow down, lunge forward, pull back, hot & cold.  The narcissist (who are always extremely charming) do this to keep you off balance, keep you questioning yourself, as they pull you in.

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And he had told me that he has never had a girlfriend before and I was the first girl he wanted an actual relationship with.

Yea,...I don't buy that line. Sounds cliche.

[bachdude]

It's concerning OP anytime someone goes from hot to cold.

On the other hand, I wouldn't expect someone to be as available when visiting the fam for the holidays. Generally family members would consider it rude to be on the phone in front of them when they haven't seen you in a while. His attention is on them right now and because your relationship is new he probably feels they need to be his priority.

On the other hand (again haha), assuming you weren't texting a lot and expecting him to be on his phone in front of aunts, uncles, siblings, and Mom and Dad - in which case he might be cold to give you the hint to give him some space - then I think your concerns are quite valid. 

Unless you two are 19 or so, I find his line about you being the first one he's wanted a relationship with a bit suspect. Just be aware and cautious.

I recommend you take a step back, give yourself some space, reign in your enthusiasm and emotions a bit and re-evaluate when he comes back.  No offense OP, but you seem a bit naive and over trusting. Sad as it is, there are guys out there who will say what women want to here to get what they want. Just always be cautious at the beginning of relationships, especially with the 'too good to be true' types who say all the right things to make you 'feel special'.  

He may turn out to be a great guy but there are some red flags here that warrant caution.  
 

 

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Everyone is amazing and charming in the beginning. You barely know this guy. Too good to be true is usually a warning sign that you're not dealing with the real person, yet.

[Gaeta]

You've known him for 4 weeks, at that stage both of you can lose interest in a heart beat for no particular reasons. 

On the other hand, my parents live 10 hours away and when I visit them don't try to have a conversation on text with me, I just don't have time! it's hard to understand if you're not used to travel to your family/parents. We don't see each other that often so each moment is important. The only time I'd have to call or text would be when I go to bed at night.

[schlumpy]

I could use a bit more context. Age range please? Is this western culture or some other? It makes a difference.

I don't know how often he visits his family but doing so can be like entering an alternate reality. Your real life takes a backseat as old interactions are reawakened with people you grew up with and have an intimate history with. The younger you are the more likely this it to happen. The more family oriented you are, as are some cultures, the more likely people you know from your real life fade out temporarily.

I hate how everyone goes mental because the exact number of texts didn't arrive that day. Five texts a day means he only likes me but 15 a day means he's heads over heels. Please quit using that as absolute indicator, it's not.

Try to tamp down your anxiety and suspicions and wait until he gets home. I think he will likely take up where he left off. Your best bet is to text him no more frequently then he does you.

You are just reacting to the fear of the unknown so when you text him be positive and ask about his family. Who they are. What they are like. Show an interest in them. That will carry you much further then creating a pool of resentment that you can stew in.

[VIOLET EDEN]

On 12/31/2019 at 6:20 PM, basil67 said:

I'm not buying that a man who is all this has never had a girlfriend before.   Either you're wearing rose coloured glasses or he's lying about not having had a girl.

He hasn't had a gf before, does not mean he hasn't had girls before. Maybe he finally wants to settle down

[Redhead14]

You've only known this guy for a month.  You're expecting him to be treating you like a girlfriend.  Have you two declared that yet?  I'd say, let him be while he's with the family.  He has answered you at least, apparently, yes?  Your assessment that he's "pity texting" you  is just that, your assessment.  He answered PERIOD.  Nothing wrong with that.  And, yeah, it would be a really nice thing/sign of his investment in you, however, like I said, it's only been a month and he's with his family -- his priority for now.  The guy has been making you feel pretty darn good up to now and nothing else has happened that should put you on edge.  Do you have to pick him up from the airport?  If so, when?  Text him to confirm those details and let it be for now.

[VIOLET EDEN]

47 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

I could use a bit more context. Age range please? Is this western culture or some other? It makes a difference.

 

i agree that culture is a factor. Coming from an asian household(both me ad my bf), we don't text that much during the holidays because of our parents. But we see each other every day and spend time during the academic year

Edited January 3, 2020 by VIOLET EDEN

[Myname216]

So I met this guy at the beginning of December. It was an instant connection sparks were flying and everything was great. He’s literally the dream guy. Like amazing personality, handsome, successful, charming, everything. And he had told me that he has never had a girlfriend before because he just never actually wanted a relationship with any girl he met and was more focused on finishing school. Along with that his parents agreed that he shouldn’t be in a relationship while he’s focusing on school and work.

So anyway, he said that I was the first girl he wanted an actual relationship with since he graduated. We went out a few times and then he asked me to be his girlfriend I said yes because we got along so well and I could really see this working out. However, we decided we needed to slow down a little bit cause we hadn’t known eachother that long so we’d just be exclusive and not be like super public with it. Which was my idea not his.

Anyway during this time he had a trip planned to go visit his family for 18 days. So before he left we were texting and going on dates all the time. He would tell me how much he likes me and call me cute names and everything. He would tell me how excited he was to hurry up and get back from his trip so we could be together. I’m just saying he did that all on his own I didn’t start it, he did. Anyway he asked me to take him to the airport and I said I would so we ended up spending most of that day together before he left.

So I drop him off and he tells me he’s gonna miss me so much and can’t wait to come back so we can be together. So we part and he’s gone and after about a week he turned into the driest texter in the world. It felt like he didn’t even want to text me anymore and he was just pitty texting me.

So after a bit of this I finally spoke up and asked if we were still on the same page as when he left. He said that he wasn’t too sure anymore that he wanted to date at all but he likes me. And that because of him starting grad school and work I couldn’t be his top priority and he didn’t want to put me through that. So I told him to think more about it cause we had a really good connection and that when he gets back from his trip we can talk it through in person, and he agreed.

So he gets back today and we’re going out tomorrow to talk. I feel so confused and just let down because he made me all these promises of a relationship and now I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Should I not jump to conclusions and just wait to see what he says tomorrow or should I just prepare for him to bail? I feel like I was super dumb and got played.

Edited January 5, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

You should have taken everything he said & promised before he left with a  grain of salt.  It all sounded like in the moment stuff.  It was the holidays.  It was a lovely new romance.    So very easy to get carried away.  

While he was away & being reminded if his family values, he backed off.  You then amped up the pressure which was the wrong thing to do.  He is concerned about balancing school & a relationship.  His family made him think that a relationship is not possible.  

If you let him work out for himself how much time he has for you vs. school, things might be OK but you can't dictate his study schedule.  You may very well need more time then he can offer. Grad school is hard.  If he's trying to give you all he has but it's not enough for you, he was right to back off.  

You aren't dumb & you didn't get played. You both got swept up in the moment.  You just forgot to factor in how much he doesn't know what he's doing & how much of an influence his family's negative attitude toward relationships.   If you hope to hold on to him, IMO, your best strategy is denial.  "Hey things got weird when you were away.  Sorry.   Now that you are back, let's just pick up where we left off.  I know you are starting grad school & that is your priority so I won't push for more of your time then you can give.  Let's just see where this goes."   You need to be the most low maintenance GF ever but if he still can't commit to spending some time with you, just walk away.  Because then you will know why he's never had a GF -- he's inflexible & self centered, not in a bad way but that he's focused on his goal & won't tolerate distractions.  Once he graduates he'll probably be a workaholic so are you sure you want that? 

[Cookiesandough]

I hope this isn’t harsh. but just give my perspective because this reminds me of a relationship I had with one of my exes. I have been single most of my life too. I’m also an only child( not sure if your guy is or if it matters). 

Anyway, when you don’t date for many years of your life into adulthood, you get into a routine of being by yourself, even though you wonder about the ‘what ifs’ and sometimes desire intimacy and closeness. You become comfortable that way. There’s a kind of freedom that comes with it. 

 

With my ex, when we first started dating, it was exciting and fun. I was caught up in the moment with him since everything moved fast. Then I went away to Alaska with my parents for 3 weeks. I realized when I was away that I was falling back into the comfort of not having to account for anyone else. Checking in became tiresome.  It was an “out of sight, out of mind” thing. Another thing, including school, I didn’t have to stress about while away. 

 

Not sure if it’s what happened. Anything here is just a guess, but it’s something to ponder. 

Edited January 5, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

He was busy with family, and they didn't want him to be dating....so he kept things quiet with the texting so they wouldn't catch on. Remember they are paying for his education, and didn't want to mess things up with them prob because he made a promise to only focus on his studies. You will meet tonight, and he will be all over you, telling you he missed you etc.

[d0nnivain]

13 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Anyway, when you don’t date for many years of your life into adulthood, you get into a routine of being by yourself, even though you wonder about the ‘what ifs’ and sometimes desire intimacy and closeness. You become comfortable that way. There’s a kind of freedom that comes with it. 

With my ex, when we first started dating, it was exciting and fun. I was caught up in the moment with him since everything moved fast. Then I went away to Alaska with my parents for 3 weeks. I realized when I was away that I was falling back into the comfort of not having to account for anyone else. Checking in became tiresome.  It was an “out of sight, out of mind” thing. Another thing, including school, I didn’t have to stress about while away. 

I think this is very insightful cookies.   Noelly216, you would do well to consider this possibility.  

Edited January 5, 2020 by d0nnivain