Broke up, but she still wants to be friends

[David 884]

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years (we're both 19) We've known each other since elementary school and we grew really close in high school, ultimately deciding to start dating a couple days before graduation. Fast forward to the present, both her and I could feel that things weren't right in our relationship so we decided to break up for the time being so we could have a chance to find out who we are as individuals. Here's where the problem is: she wants to stay close friends, as do I, but I still have strong feelings for her. I don't want to ruin our friendship but I also don't want to make things awkward between us. What should I do?

[schlumpy]

It never works to be friends with someone you have feelings for if you are going to be seeing each other in social situations. If you are moving away or going off to school then maybe you can swing it but not if you see her frequently.

[Atwood]

I think you should agree to have some separation. Neither of you can move on properly whilst you’re still friends, and anybody new that either of you date will put the nail in the coffin of the friendship anyway. 

[Mr. Lucky]

10 hours ago, David 884 said:

she wants to stay close friends, as do I

Think about what close friends do.  They hang out together, discuss intimate topics including romantic prospects and partners and generally remain integrated in each other's lives.  None of that sounds like having "a chance to find out who we are as individuals".

Not going to work...

Mr. lucky

[alphamale]

unless you have kids together there is no reason to stay "friends"....concentrate on your education as there will be plenty of time to date later on...

[alterest]

Talk to her and explain the situation. You need time apart to heal your wound.

If you see no future being friend with her (reopen wounds, feel strange), than cut her off your life.

There's no much you can do. But right now you need to stay apart.

[Beachead]

Hey David 884,

As an older guy who's been through enough of this..let me tell you its best you two go your separate ways.  There is no friendship after a breakup.  It's bullsh*t and I'll explain why.

You two were together for 2 years.  You two were intimate, both emotionally and physically.  There is history, feelings which the both of you will carry that will still linger.  The only difference is there are no more boundaries.   She'll be free to do what she wants with whom she wants, when she wants and how she wants and there will be nothing you can do about it.  Try as you might to be her friend, you will still have relationship like expectations from her.  If you get frustrated and talk to her about it, she'll just tell you "Hey we're just friends."  By breaking up with eachother, she is choosing to move onto someone new.  That is the plan.  She will eventually meet someone new and when that happens, she'll put distance between you and her because you are an ex and she will not want to jeopardize her future for her past.  That is when you'll realize how stupid you were for sticking around.   Ultimately, you will become placeless in her life as you won't be a friend or a boyfriend..but an ex.  

The sudden shock of cutting eachother completely out is too overwhelming for the moment.  It's much more easier to ween herself off of you gradually.   Because of that, people often offer "friendship" because it allows the both of you two avoid the ultimate truth:  That it didn't work out and you two will eventually go your separate ways.   If you take that "friendship,"  you will only be lying to yourself.  It will not be what you think it will be.  You won't be able to plan outings or talk to eachother without thinking about if you're leading the other on.  You'll always to second guess yourself so you can never be genuine.  With feelings, you start doing things in hopes those things will win her back.  It won't because ultimately she aims to move on so there will be a time you'll realize she has started dating..it will frustrate you and ultimately deplete you.  It'll also hold you back emotionally as you yourself wont' be able to move on.  Ultimately, things will get ugly, you two will argue or fight and it will ultimately end with you wishing you had left when you should have.

So cut all that bs, be strong and leave right now.

You two need space and time apart to grieve the loss of the relationship and eachother and then you need time to rediscover how to be happy in your life without eachother in it.   An absolutely crucial step to your healing is to block her off of your social media..Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Whatsapp etc.  If you are worried that she won't be able to contact you should she ever, she still has your number.  And if she threw that out..she'll find a way.   I would gently explain this to her which is why you have to cut her off completely.  She may not understand and may get emotional or weak and begin contacting you..but it will only be because cutting you out all at once is too hard..not out of feelings.

Remember, you both agreed to breakup for a reason.  Now, all this doesn't mean you two won't have a chance in the future..but right now, this is what you need.

- Beach

[Watercolors]

You're 19. Oh to be young again knowing what I know now about dating and relationships. 

15 hours ago, David 884 said:

both her and I could feel that things weren't right in our relationship so we decided to break up for the time being so we could have a chance to find out who we are as individuals.

What things aren't right that caused you two to break up? 

Whenever I hear someone say they broke up with their partner so that they "have a chance to find out who they are" I have to laugh. Why? Because a truly healthy relationship allows both people to grow and change to find out who they are. People constantly change. My grandparents met in high school and were married for more than 60 years. You don't think they both changed as people during their life times? Of course they did. But, the reason they stayed together is because they both allowed each other to change and accepted and supported each other through those changes. 

To find out who you are as a person, you can do that in a relationship or as a single person. The only reason people break-up is because they are incompatible for multiple reasons; their personalities clash; they resolve conflict too differently; they have different political or religious views, one person is neat, the other person is a slob; they have a different sense of humor; they have different views on money; one person is insecure and projects their jealousy on to their partner; one person is abusive to their partner; one person is a vegan, the other person eats meat...the list of incompatible reasons is to infinity and beyond. 

You are both 19 and have known each other your entire lives. This is the time in your life where you are finding your place in the world. That may change over time, but right now, you are trying to figure out what direction to take, what goals to accomplish, and discover how you want to interact with the world. 

If you still have romantic feelings for your ex-girlfriend then you ask yourself ultimately what it is that you want from her? A future together as husband and wife? It's really hard to be friends with an ex for many reasons. Right now, your romantic attachment is still tied to your ex-girlfriend so that will make it hard for you to let go and move on. The only way you can move on, is to transfer that romantic attachment you feel, to a new girlfriend.

This is why people have rebound relationships with other people. These are the "transitional" people, and sometimes they go along with being someone's rebound but most of the time they don't know they are the other person's rebound, so once they find out, that relationship tends to end. If you don't want to go out and find someone to have casual sex with to emotionally rebound from your ex with, then you need to transfer your romantic attachment towards an activity or hobby you love. Lots of people throw themselves into hobbies or sports or artistic pursuits after a bad breakup because it allows them to emotionally distance themselves from the person they were romantically attached to, while doing something creative that fulfills them. 

But if you secretly want to get back together with her, then you need to be honest with her. The two of you need to communicate your plans with each other honestly. Not communicating is probably the worst thing you can do. If she doesn't want to be with you romantically anymore, then you need to accept that and try to find a way to process all the emotions that her rejection creates inside you. 

Since you are only 19, you have your entire life ahead of you to meet other women to date and have relationships with. But if she is ultimately the person you want to spend your life with, then you need to tell her that. If she still rejects you, then that is your closure and reason to let go and move on with your life. Breakups are hard. There's no doubt about it.