Advice/Encouragement needed

[JTrey]

Hello

 

First time poster here. I was just looking through the list and I thought that there were some compassionate people here and I would love to get some advice or encouragement from someone.

 

My Fiancee decided to move out a week ago. At first I was scared and shocked but I have grown to understand her reasoning. We were constsantly around each other and she never really had any time alone for herself. She told me that if she didn't move out she was afraid the relationship would end. So I agreed and so far it has gotten better. There is another problem as well. I have had past issues with trust and I have grown to deal with them. I now know that in order for us to work I must trust her compleletly. I do now but there are somethings going on that scare me. She has been going out with her male friend a lot lately. I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me but I feel scared that she might fall for him and decided to leave me for good. She still tells me she loves me so I guess I should just wait it our right? Every time she has told me she was hanging out with him all I have said was have a good time. I didn't show any jealous emotions. I just hope I am not being played as a fool. Thanks for reading and any advice/encouragement-take care

 

JT

[Tony T]

Your biggest problem is not jealousy or insecurity unless those play into what is your biggest problem.

 

The big problem, as I see it, is the the two of you are engaged to be married...that's right, preparing to spend the rest of your days on this planet together. Yet, despite that very major committment, she can't handle living with you and being together so much. GEEZZZ, I hate to tell you this but you're engaged to the WRONG lady or she is engaged to the WRONG man.

 

If you aren't able to give her the space she requires to do her own thing and be an individual, then you need to address that. She told you she had to move out or she was afraid the relationship would end???? DUH!!!! Would she also do that when you were married...move out before you got a divorce. DUH!!! If you were smothering her and being a shadow, then shame on you...she did what she had to do. But you don't sound like that kind of person. I'd need to hear her side. You know the truth.

 

Now, on the other hand, if you allow her to do lots of things with male friends, you don't sound like a guy who crowds her or puts a lot of restrictions on her.

 

In my opinion, if she has left you...the man she is ENGAGED TO...because she doesn't get enough space for her individuality yet you allow her to do things with her male "friends", it really sounds like she may have something going with one of these friends.

 

The reason I say that is because if she wanted to get something more serious going with another guy, she certainly couldn't do it while living with you. Living alone or with other friends, she is pretty free to pursue whatever she wants. I do sincerely hope I am way off the track here...but it just seems logical to me.

 

I think it's perfectly normal to experience just a bit of jealousy when your lady goes off with a male friend, especially if she does it a lot. However, you have to be secure with yourself and you have to understand you can't chain those you love. And if she falls for another guy, you just have to accept that and move on. There is just no way you want to be with a lady who wants to be with someone else.

 

Now, frankly, my gut feeling is that if she has moved out for whatever reason...the one stated or to have time to pursue other men or whatever...she is NOT the lady for you. If the two of you are not able to live together now, as an engaged couple, she certainly won't be able to handle the committment, obligation, etc. to live with you as your wife.

 

You need to start seriously considering breaking the engagement. See a counsellor, talk this over with friends, etc. But logic tells me that if she can't handle you now, she certainly won't be able to later. No reflection on you...it has everything to do with her.

 

There are lots of ladies who would love to be with you...who would love to have a guy who would allow them to do things with male friends...and who would be absolutely fine with living with you on a continuing basis without having to move out for space.

 

OK now, you've got your warning signals. You have to act. I personally wouldn't have much more to do with her because what she did made a major statement about how she feels about staying with you. I have learned to heed warning signs and take hints. But I know you're in love and you may be very slow to accept what has happened.

 

Do yourself a favor. Think on this. And be a MAN here. Don't let this lady play you for a fool. Let her know that if she can't live with you OK, either the two of you work on the problems and get back in the same living quarters...or end it. Plain and simple.

 

You asked for encouragement in your post. Well, I do encourage you to explore this whole thing. But I don't give it a lot of hope. If she really loves you and wants to remain with you the rest of her life, she will have to make a major committment to counselling to learn to live with you and not feel crowded. Maybe you need to make some changes along with her.

 

Good luck.

[Dragonflys]

Hi

 

You sound like a good person and you are making your best effort to give you fiance space. It seems to me your intentions are good.

 

Just be careful though, the opposite sex can be very perceptive when it comes to being smothered. I'm not saying you are smothering her at all, but make sure you consider carefully whether that is at all a possibility....ask for other's opinions.

 

If it is not you, then she is probably not right for you. I would say at best drop the marriage talk for a while and see how things go. By all means go out and have some fun with your lady friends and take the pressure off this situation. What you both are facing is a lifelong commitment, and her behaviour is a response to that. Maybe she is not ready right now, maybe she will never be for you. But you need time to put things into proper perspective.

 

Oliver

[Laurynn]

If you don't mind me asking, what are your ages?

 

Are you 'officially engaged' or do you, like some people, just call yourselves 'engaged' because you've been together for some time and plan to marry "one day"?

 

If you're engaged to be married and she can't even handle living together now, there's no hope for your future marriage...afterall, married people LIVE TOGETHER.

 

How long have you two been together?

 

Who does she live with now?

 

How long had you two been living together?

 

This thing with the male friend, that sounds a little suspicious to me.

 

L

[sarah]

You don't seem to be jealous if you have told her to go and have a good time, however I have some questions for you. Do you know this friend yourself? Do you have contact and conversations with him too? Have you been invited to go out occasionally with them or is it strictly her deal? If you are totally excluded from their friendship then I would be suspicious. Trust but don't be blind.

 

Also, don't worry about if she might fall for him later. If she does it is best for you, and better now than a wife that fools around. Good luck.

Hello First time poster here. I was just looking through the list and I thought that there were some compassionate people here and I would love to get some advice or encouragement from someone.

 

My Fiancee decided to move out a week ago. At first I was scared and shocked but I have grown to understand her reasoning. We were constsantly around each other and she never really had any time alone for herself. She told me that if she didn't move out she was afraid the relationship would end. So I agreed and so far it has gotten better. There is another problem as well. I have had past issues with trust and I have grown to deal with them. I now know that in order for us to work I must trust her compleletly. I do now but there are somethings going on that scare me. She has been going out with her male friend a lot lately. I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me but I feel scared that she might fall for him and decided to leave me for good. She still tells me she loves me so I guess I should just wait it our right? Every time she has told me she was hanging out with him all I have said was have a good time. I didn't show any jealous emotions. I just hope I am not being played as a fool. Thanks for reading and any advice/encouragement-take care JT

[JTrey]

Hey Guys

 

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. It is harsh but true. I am 24 and she is 26. We are/were officially engaged(ring and announcement all that jazz). Well to update on the situation, Me and my better half had a talk today. She has a lot of personal problems (as do I). These problems are causing us to fall apart. They have never been addressed to ourselves and we both have been pushing them under the carpet since before we met. I am very saddened by this but we(meaning she) has decided to break off our relationship until we are happy with ourselves. I do agree with her on that but it is very hard. I am feeling very alone. I have friends that love me but I don't want to look like some depressed fool crying about my ex. She told me she wants to still be close to me. As a friend of course and hopefully/maybe we will wind up back together. I honestly cannot believe we are finished. As for her male friend, yes I have been out with them and I encouraged her to ask him and his friends out to go to live shows when I was unable to because of work. She told me however that she wouldn't be dating anyone for a long period of time, and she still believed there was a strong chance that we get back together. I am hoping but not holding my breath. It just seemed that she was perfect for me, and she told me I was for her. And in these past couple of months crazy things have been happening. I don't know..I really can't explain what is going through my head right now...but thank you for the help and words of wisdom.

 

JT

[me]

just one thing: u are SO lucky all this is happening before the marriage ... i know it's not much of a condolence right now, but man, u R lucky

 

best of luck to u!