babybrowns Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Hello all. Just to gather some thoughts really, about men using online dating apps, I know this applies to both genders but as a female it would be nice to focus on the male side of things. Users who often initiate conversations but don’t seem too fussed about solidifying a meet-up. They might mention it in passing, as might you, they say they’ll let you know if they’re free etc, but it ends up being just a ‘hey hows your day?’ the next day and so forth. Is it worth pursuing the conversation with them, also what is the agenda really if someone don’t have interest in meeting the person ‘in person’? Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 I ALWAYS try to set up a date within the first week, if possible. In fact, after a day or so of communication, I share my personal number and ask for a meet up for coffee as a litmus test to whether more should come out of it. No need to waste time texting back and forth when so much more can be discovered in person, in public. If someone does not want to meet within the week, I place that person at a lower priority and allow them to make most of the effort to change my mind about them. It doesn't make much sense not to meet sooner than later. Some will say that they want to fee more comfortable, but texting does not reveal anything more informative than meeting in person. In fact, you and the person at the other end, I feel, owe it to each other to meet. That is, if you are serious and ready to date. That's just me... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 ^^this^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: what is the agenda really if someone don’t have interest in meeting the person ‘in person’? They just want someone to text with back-and-forth because they are lonely or desperate. I left OLD because I grew tired of the texters who just wanted to use me as a pen-pal via text. So their agenda is to just have someone online to chat with. Maybe they are bored, lonely, desperate, or who knows. If the person you contact OLD won't agree to meet you in person within the first week of contact then they are not interested in meeting you in RL. Period. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 sometimes one week can be a bit quick for a first date, then their are daters who prefer to get the dates arranged as quickly as possible, Similar to what watercolours is saying I had a low confidence phase around 6-7 years ago, whereby I liked chatting online to women but was reluctant to rush arranging a date as I felt I would fail to impress in person etc, so yes reluctance to arrange a date is likely to be the guy is using the programme to build his confidence chatting to women but may not be ready to shine yet in person, I think a penpal arrangement might work for two shyer personality types, give them time to build their confidence before they actually meet, you do feel a bit foolish though spending months chatting and have no spark at all then in person, better to get out meeting people and trying to improve ones social skills after a few disappointments seems the best plan overall. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IntBrowser Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 5 hours ago, babybrowns said: Hello all. Just to gather some thoughts really, about men using online dating apps, I know this applies to both genders but as a female it would be nice to focus on the male side of things. Users who often initiate conversations but don’t seem too fussed about solidifying a meet-up. They might mention it in passing, as might you, they say they’ll let you know if they’re free etc, but it ends up being just a ‘hey hows your day?’ the next day and so forth. Is it worth pursuing the conversation with them, also what is the agenda really if someone don’t have interest in meeting the person ‘in person’? I know the holidays may push things back a bit but no one really should be talking for more than 2 weeks without meeting 4 Link to post Share on other sites
IntBrowser Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 2 hours ago, Foxhall said: sometimes one week can be a bit quick for a first date, then their are daters who prefer to get the dates arranged as quickly as possible, Similar to what watercolours is saying I had a low confidence phase around 6-7 years ago, whereby I liked chatting online to women but was reluctant to rush arranging a date as I felt I would fail to impress in person etc, so yes reluctance to arrange a date is likely to be the guy is using the programme to build his confidence chatting to women but may not be ready to shine yet in person, I think a penpal arrangement might work for two shyer personality types, give them time to build their confidence before they actually meet, you do feel a bit foolish though spending months chatting and have no spark at all then in person, better to get out meeting people and trying to improve ones social skills after a few disappointments seems the best plan overall. The only problem with that is you may lose out because there are other men on the site who will meet her quicker. I may that mistake back in June and we talked for a month and once I was ready to meet face to face she lost interest and I was so disappointed. So I now make sure I meet within 2 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 Thanks for your replies everyone so far. It is good to have an insight into the different reasons that people might have to delay the first date. Has anyone had a good experience of pushing for a first date and then when the in-person meeting happens, the other person does finally get interested enough for it to be more two-sided? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 If the man is interested and has a clue, he'll ask you to meet within the first few messages. Then I always asked to get to know each other a little better through a phone call, and if that went well, I'd accept his invitation. If a man wasn't doing this, I quickly lost interest and deleted the conversation, moved on. If you're not getting any strong interest, you need better pictures. This is 99.9% of your allure to men on dating sites. Once I finally figured out how to take good pics and posted them, my messages from men went up from dozens a day to hundreds a day, almost all of them wanting to meet ASAP. I couldn't even keep up with the messages. My appearance didn't change - just the quality of my pics. My boyfriend showed me his account before he deleted it, and I was surprised to see how many women have mediocre pics - poor lighting, Myspace angles, blah environment, etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Have a set guideline for yourself. Only put effort into the ones that ask you out after a few messages, and do like Ruby says, follow up with a phone call and decide then. All the others that randomly text, the god morning text and crap like that, then them bub-bye, block, delete. Those ones are too busy weighing their options and you haven't got time for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 A first date and a first meeting are two different things. A first date should be postponed until you've met in person in a public space first with both going dutch on coffee or food and deciding that there is something there to mutually explore further. The first meeting should happen within 10 days of contact on the dating site. If not, then that means you're dealing with a high maintenance person who probably isn't psychologically and/or emotionally ready to be dating... or a scammer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 3 hours ago, babybrowns said: Thanks for your replies everyone so far. It is good to have an insight into the different reasons that people might have to delay the first date. Has anyone had a good experience of pushing for a first date and then when the in-person meeting happens, the other person does finally get interested enough for it to be more two-sided? babybrowns, you must be very new to dating... the answer is... OF COURSE. Happens all the time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) 40 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: babybrowns, you must be very new to dating... the answer is... OF COURSE. Happens all the time. Well that’s encouraging..it’s just a little demotivating to keep pushing for a meet-up when the other person seems hot and cold about actually doing it. The weird thing is that one such person whom I wrote this thread based on, was actually the one to suggest meeting up (“you’re gonna have to show me the best burger in town!”) and then when it comes to the crunch, me trying to arrange the day and time, he doesn’t seem too bothered about solidifying it. It’s starting to put me off and I don’t know if I’ll go through with it if he does actually come round to making it happen Edited January 2, 2020 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 2 minutes ago, babybrowns said: Well that’s encouraging..it’s just a little demotivating to keep pushing for a meet-up when the other person seems hot and cold about actually doing it. The weird thing is that one such person whom I wrote this thread based on, was actually the one to suggest meeting up, and then when it comes to the crunch, me trying to arrange the day and time, he doesn’t seem too bothered about solidifying it. It’s starting to put me off and I don’t know if I’ll go through with it if he does actually come round to making it happen 1 hour ago, kendahke said: A first date and a first meeting are two different things. A first date should be postponed until you've met in person in a public space first with both going dutch on coffee or food and deciding that there is something there to mutually explore further. The first meeting should happen within 10 days of contact on the dating site. If not, then that means you're dealing with a high maintenance person who probably isn't psychologically and/or emotionally ready to be dating... or a scammer. I used to be one to do whatever the first encounter. Full outting with plans or coffee, didn't matter. NOW...first step is ALWAYS coffee. I need to see and hear what I'm getting myself into. Also, bb, it could be that he is juggling multiple potentials and you are not at the top. Up to you what you want to do when and if he gets back to you. It doesn't hurt to have a business-like coffee with him, but in a public place and no pomp and circumstance involved. Make it casual. See if he asks you at the end of the coffee meet or later. Again, you lose a half an hour or little more, but nothing else, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 I agree that coffee is a good first meet-up with someone; one can never predict whether there is natural chemistry or not. He however would like to go for a meal with me..I’m cool with that if it’s what he wants. I’ll see if he gets back to me but yes the prospect of meeting him seems a little out of reach at present and it’s getting a little unappealing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 I think coffee dates are lame. I only accepted an invite if it was for lunch or dinner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 O.L.D. is nearly pointless if you are pushing for a real-life date right away. You can do that at your local bar, or meat-market. If you're using OLD merely as a means of sorting life resumes with categories like which guy has the most money... then go ahead and sift through hundreds of them and race out the next day for coffee with the top 1/2 of one percent of prospects as sorted by wealth (LOL - or perceived-by-you wealth). But if you really want OLD to add something (beyond raw computer speed for sorting prospects), then you're just stupid if racing out to meet one another 45 minutes (or 4 days) after logging-in to your OLD website. Then again, lots of people are stupid in the dating world. As a woman, if you're that hot, the bar or the meat market will always garner the same things which can be had via OLD interactions where you meet IRL 45 minutes after first OLDS encounter. AND IF that's what you want, then by all means, cash-in. But then don't come back online and complain or express your shock about men who only want one thing. Link to post Share on other sites
max3732 Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 For me I like to chat a little bit just to make sure she's not a scammer and is what she describes in her profile and then meet up after that. I feel like you can chat with someone online forever, but if you don't enjoy each other's company in person what's the point? I have chatted with women a bit longer before asking to meet up if they live far away and it requires more sacrifice on my part to meet up as far as time. If she lives close I think meeting the sooner the better. On the other hand I've had women who live close to me want to chat forever and then the minute I suggest meeting up they block me or just vanish. That I'll never understand Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 (edited) Tbh , for me back when it was just about getting to know someone and most often after even just a few messages or a call l'd completely lost interest or saw stuff l didn't like. So there was no point in meeting her. Basically if he's genuine and still really into ya l dare say he'd wanna meet. Edited January 3, 2020 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
Envy123 Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 20 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: If the man is interested and has a clue, he'll ask you to meet within the first few messages. Exactly this. As a guy, if I am not interested after the initial conversations, I don't ask to meet up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IntBrowser Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 On 1/2/2020 at 9:16 PM, SincereOnlineGuy said: O.L.D. is nearly pointless if you are pushing for a real-life date right away. You can do that at your local bar, or meat-market. If you're using OLD merely as a means of sorting life resumes with categories like which guy has the most money... then go ahead and sift through hundreds of them and race out the next day for coffee with the top 1/2 of one percent of prospects as sorted by wealth (LOL - or perceived-by-you wealth). But if you really want OLD to add something (beyond raw computer speed for sorting prospects), then you're just stupid if racing out to meet one another 45 minutes (or 4 days) after logging-in to your OLD website. Then again, lots of people are stupid in the dating world. As a woman, if you're that hot, the bar or the meat market will always garner the same things which can be had via OLD interactions where you meet IRL 45 minutes after first OLDS encounter. AND IF that's what you want, then by all means, cash-in. But then don't come back online and complain or express your shock about men who only want one thing. I like to meet within 2 weeks. I made the mistake of waiting a month and she lost interest Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 On 1/2/2020 at 3:13 PM, Ruby Slippers said: I think coffee dates are lame. I only accepted an invite if it was for lunch or dinner. Have to agree. I always suggest a meet for a drink at a place where it can be just a drink if either of us wants to cut it short or dinner if we click, or more likely I'm starved . I've met a few times for coffee at her suggestion, so don't I take a hard line on that. On not asking to meet, here that there is a lot of pen pal type stuff, they could be clueless or not serious or just looking for attention, who knows. I know I just ask to meet within the first week if not first three days. Basically by the third substantive message. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted January 19, 2020 Share Posted January 19, 2020 The guys who aren't asking you to meet up either: - Aren't particularly interested, and are using your communication as an ego boost - Are busy trying to schedule a date with other girl(s) they're more interested in. Or, occasionally - Live a long away away, so they need to be REALLY sure they want to meet you before making that sort of effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted January 28, 2020 Share Posted January 28, 2020 (edited) If they don’t ask out within the first few exchanges, I move on. I know that sounds extreme, but I just don’t want to waste my time texting a lot. Too many times I have texted awhile with a guy, built up this image in my head, only to meet him and have it shattered in a millisecond. Whether I’m not attracted to him or his text persona is nothing like his real persona or the chemistry is just off in some other way. Plus I don’t like texting much. So no. I don’t entertain people who spend too long texting. The only exception I have is the guy I’m talking to right now. We have been talking for like 2 1/2 weeks without meeting, but that is only because he lives in another state and has yet to move here. So it’s a different case. He tried meeting when he came in town, but I was busy. Does it scare me that we’ve connected so much without meeting? Oh yes, because this is not just a friend. Attraction is mysterious. I really, really dig him right now, but I know that all could change when we meet. Edited January 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
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