jolehno Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Ok, so a year and a half ago I found my wife of over 20 years was cheating and probably been doing so for months. A put a VAR on her car and recorded a phone call with her lover. She never admited anything and say the most bizarre excuses, but what could be heard in that conversation was definitive. I asked her to leave the house and she did without a cuestion or anything but her clothes. I sent the recording to the lovers wife and this guy dropped her immediately. She has been living with her mother, (divorced and unfaithful also) ever since. She lost her business and has kept minimal contact with our sons, both in their 20´S. just something like a dinner or a else a week, They would not visit her in her place, since we feel her mother covered her on the affair. Through all this time, she and I have never speak or anything, she sends every week bread or food for the house and on the occasions she goes out to dinner with the boys, she would buy a meal for me and send it. While in the affair, she was bad mouthing me all the time, but since the day I found out and have her to leave, she stopped criticizing me and sometimes, even defend me ?? And now, ont Dec 22, she shows at the house and says she wants we, to be a family again, that we must leave the past in the past and be a family. I say that nothing is more important to me than the family, but she just destroyed it, but if she was sorry for what happened, that we could give it a try. She had a defensive attitude all the time, but when I ask her for an apology, she got angry and say she never did anything wrong. I tried to be gentle and said that without she being sorry, there could be no trust in the future, and without trust, there was not a chance. She left and we haven't speak since. The whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes! And now I don't know what to do. I must say that the moment I found her infidelity, a switch turned off in me and I no longer find any woman attractive. I certainly still love her, but lost all respect for her at the same time. I don't like the prospect of living all alone in the future, I am 61 years old and sons will leave in the near future. No woman at this age, will come without a past, sons or grandchildren, so, should I accept back an unrepentant woman by words, while I see some of her actions show, that she is sorry?? Am I fooling myself?? Really in need of all your collective wisdom here. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 In the year and a half since your wife's affair, did you ask her to go to marriage counseling with you? Have you had any therapy for yourself or your children? Link to post Share on other sites
PinkFlamingo Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 Your wife is crazy, I wouldn't take her back. If she is the kind of person who is unable to say sorry, then it's a waste of time. What she did is not something minor and she should be on her knees begging you to take her back. If you really reconsider a second try with her, then insist she do some counseling alone and not only marriage counseling as Watercolors suggested, that woman is a nutjob and needs hardcore therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Have you tried dating at all? Link to post Share on other sites
VIOLET EDEN Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 7 minutes ago, usa1ah said: Have you tried dating at all? I think you haven't been alone for quite a while and youre afraid to be. I agree with usa1ah, you should get out and try dating 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Piddy Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 (edited) It makes no sense that you caught her dead to rights and have the proof and she still denies it. Something isn't right there. There can't be any reconciliation without admitting guilt and an apology. Not only that, but if you want to know everything about her affair you should have the right to know. The fact is now you know what she is capable of. So, a worry free life with her is over. You'll always wonder if she's cheating whenever she's away from you. I think counseling is a must here. And she has to come clean. Edited January 2, 2020 by Piddy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 I have seen in other threads where both husbands and wives denying it when undeniable proof is before them. Not often but it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 She wants a rugsweep. No remourse = no Reconciliation. she isn't going to fix this so a good chance she'll do it again if you take her back. youd be better off to divorce her. FOO issues run deep. You wann go through this again? marriage counciling is useless in this situation. The marriage isn't broken. Your wife is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 10 hours ago, jolehno said: She had a defensive attitude all the time, but when I ask her for an apology, she got angry and say she never did anything wrong. So then what assurance would you have she wouldn't do the same thing again 🤔 ??? Very few circumstances under which I'd take her back - and this certainly isn't one of them... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Caauug Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 I am trying to see it from another angle.... You placed the VAR because you had reason to believe your wife was cheating. Now just for kicks say the wife was not having an affair and was wrongly accused. She has heard the evidence and has had one and a half years to think about this. If she really wants to be part of the family again she would confess and say sorry anyway even if she had never done anything wrong. Just do what ever it takes to get back together again, work on the details later kind of thing. She is not doing that. She sees you as an aging old man soon to be alone that may be a meal ticket for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 The question you have to answer is will your life better with her in the house or will it be worse? Will she come back as a wife or a room mate? My own opinion is that she is missing something she had when she was living with you or she is getting pressure to leave her current living arrangements. It doesn't sound like she wants to come home because she misses you. Is that something that matters to you at this point? Has she been a party girl the whole year and a half she was away and does that matter to you? Somethings only you can decide and things look much different when you are over 60 then if you were in your 20s. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 10 hours ago, Caauug said: Now just for kicks say the wife was not having an affair and was wrongly accused. She has heard the evidence and has had one and a half years to think about this. If she really wants to be part of the family again she would confess and say sorry anyway even if she had never done anything wrong. Whaaat?? If I was wrongly accused, I would never just "confess" to something I had not, in fact, done! OP, are you sure she cheated? If so, then there is no path forward without her acknowledgement, remorse, and agreement to go to counseling with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jolehno Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 Thanks for all the replies, sometimes you must see things in black and white and even writing about them makes you come to your senses. She is the kind of people that never will say sorry or accept her wrongdoings. At this moment, I sincerely don't think she will engage in cheating anymore. She has had plenty of time to do so and seamingly haven't done dating or anything in all this time. I agree, there's must be something broken with her. But now, the children say she has regained her old self, her pre affair personality. She came asking to forget not to be forgiven. I think she is unable to face her wrong and that shame weights too much for her, and she just want to put it behind and live as if nothing happened. I don't think for a moment that she misses me, in a romantic way. But at this time of life, I really don't feel any desire for that. I don't have any desire for sex with her anymore, but I do miss intimacy. Something happened on D day and I don't find any woman attractive or desirable, it's a shame. Therapy its out of the Question, she will never go, well, we don't talk at all, and I know if I pursue her, she would reject me. Ten years ago, she had a severe depression and had to be medicated for suicide ideations and went to therapy. The psychologist, a woman, told me that I was Too Nice to her (??) and the problem was that I should be more Manly!!! Whatever that means. I heard the other day a Quote that said, - It's better to be happy than to be right- and somehow I know she won't get back to cheating in the future. That doesnt means I will trust her or won't have triggers all the time. I really don't know if be back together could be a good idea, but surely I would like to think like she does and leave all behind and get our former life back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Some things you can't 'unsee'. You'll know what she did. Rugsweeping and 'forgetting' won't work. You'll never forget. Neither will she. Divorce ASAP if you aren't already and drop her like the unrepentant ex she is. NO WAY should you take her back under these circumstances. Just no way. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 IF you end up divorcing, I don't think you'll have that much trouble finding someone else at 61 if you really want to. However, the financial aspect might be a big problem, depending on your situation. Consider talking to a lawyer and finding out what a typical settlement might look like. I'm not encouraging you one way or the other, but knowing what you'd actually be getting into (financially) might help. In a few states, the existence of an affair (if provable in a way that's allowable in court) might substantively affect settlement as well - something an attorney would know about. Link to post Share on other sites
2BGoodAgain Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 omg, mark is so logical. but i do love it. okay, in terms of your wife.... there can be no change in behavior without full disclosure/apology. If you have neither, it means she still wants to keep secrets of some kind or she doesn't feel she did anything wrong, in which case, she'll be perfectly ok doing it again. that's the simple truth of it. whether you accept that reality or not, is up to you, obviously. what's the point of not being alone, if you're constantly wondering what she's doing with whom? think long term, vs the immediate short term. and as for what's out there, there are plenty. just saying. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 9 hours ago, jolehno said: I would like to think like she does and leave all behind and get our former life back. With all due respect - what life? The sexless, loveless one without trust or commitment? And this the relationship example you'll model for your kids? Not sure why you don't think you deserve more... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jolehno Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 Sometimes, all you need is a slap on the face!! Thanks guys! Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 You really should go out at least once with another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 (edited) I know she won't cheat again? Really? I bet you thought she wouldn't cheat before either, right? Shes wanting back because you are probably her best or only option. Never make someone a priority when you are just an option to them. Edited January 4, 2020 by Marc878 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 9 minutes ago, usa1ah said: You really should go out at least once with another woman. Do they not already have enough to deal with without adding to the complications? If they are to truly reconcile then tit for tat will not help the situation one little bit. On 1/2/2020 at 8:21 PM, mark clemson said: IF you end up divorcing, I don't think you'll have that much trouble finding someone else at 61 if you really want to. Well that depends on many factors really. Some find dating in their 60s fairly easy, others find it impossible. Is the OP a "desirable" guy? if not he will struggle. The fact he finds no woman attractive now, could be a big barrier... Emotionally unavailable, bitter, with trust issues is not an attractive prospect to most. He needs to talk it all out in individual therapy. Also he brings up a valid point, he KNOWS his wife's baggage, he may find other women are not "better" or may even be "worse" than his wife... the devil you know... There is no big box of "lovely" uncomplicated women out there just waiting for him to pick from. It is all very well for us to sit and pontificate and say "Stay away from her", but it is not us who may be sitting alone in an apartment for the next few decades. Older women often seem to do fine living alone, men not so much... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 What the? do you have enough respect for her to rug sweep the A? Could you feel safe with her back in the family home? is it for the companionship She offers? Do what you feel is right by you. Buffer Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 19 hours ago, elaine567 said: Emotionally unavailable, bitter, with trust issues is not an attractive prospect to most. He needs to talk it all out in individual therapy. While I agree he shouldn't jump into another relationship, he's bitter and emotionally unavailable for a reason - her infidelity. Not sure I'd want to spend the rest of my life sitting around waiting for the other show to fall... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 5, 2020 Share Posted January 5, 2020 On 1/4/2020 at 7:13 AM, elaine567 said: Well that depends on many factors really. Some find dating in their 60s fairly easy, others find it impossible.Is the OP a "desirable" guy? if not he will struggle. The fact he finds no woman attractive now, could be a big barrier... Emotionally unavailable, bitter, with trust issues is not an attractive prospect to most. He needs to talk it all out in individual therapy. You have a point. I was operating under the assumption that, as you yourself said: 9 hours ago, elaine567 said: Married men are a pool of mostly pretty desirable guys, "society's finest". However, that's definitely an assumption. Jolehno, if you're still reasonably decent looking, in good physical, financial, and emotional health, willing to be social and put some time and energy into it, and have access to a reasonably large pool of appropriate partners, you probably won't have much trouble finding someone new at 61 if you want that. Even with those assumptions met, though, YMMV. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 6, 2020 Share Posted January 6, 2020 The cheating MM I described on that OW thread I imagine are in a younger age group than "over 60". They, being still married are still in possession of all of their assets too. A divorced and ageing man may not be seen as such a desirable prospect. Age milestones can make a difference too. Many women are frightened of being burdened with an infirm older man as women tend to end up being the carers. Fine a man she has been married to for decades, not so fine one she has just met... Of course if he is a fine figure of a man with plenty cash, who is good with the ladies and has a winning personality and is fun then I am sure he will not be short of offers. Link to post Share on other sites
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