Is my daughter being used?

[Concernedparent]

My daughter who is 27 years old has been dating the same guy for almost 6 years. The first three years they did not live in the same state however the last 3 1/2 years they’ve lived in the same city and they living together for 18 months. He is now 29 years old. Well my daughter is ready to settle down he has always been hesitant to move forward but recently he assured her before they renewed the lease last year that they would be engaged by this February. However he does things as if he was totally a single guy and he’s almost 30 years old. For example last night on New Year’s she wasn’t feeling well and he just want to head to a bar to hear  a band was playing and they had purchased tickets and didn’t come home until almost one O’clock in the morning even though she’s asked he not  go or just be home by midnight.
 

A few weeks ago he went with his brothers and a birthday trip to Miami and went for a full four days of frolicking and supposedly boating and golfing and managed to go to one of the hottest clubs in Miami even though she did not want him to do so I didn’t feel that it was appropriate. This is the behavior of a guy ready to make a lifelong commitment? She constantly feels that she’s on edge with him and he makes it like it’s no big deal. He also sometimes because I was friends who are single and It really doesn’t seem to bother him if he leaves her alone on a weekend. Again this behavior is not every single day but it’s fairly frequent and as a parent I’m very concerned. I am a single parent since mine husband passed away her dad several years ago. I think she’s being used and being disrespected. On that. I called him yesterday because she was crying on the phone that she was sorry that she was gonna be able to go out for New Year’s with him that she has been having stomach issues lately doctors can figure out the diagnosis but feels about stress is at the core of it. I said you know please don’t leave her alone tonight if you can avoid it she’s really upset about bring alone on New Year’s Eve. Yet he did it anyway. 

if she leaves him it involves her moving back home 600 miles away so it’s not a minor thing. 
 

am I being too concerned? She’s been waiting for him to make a commitment and he’s been promising but nothing happens. Should she wait until next month when he said it would happen by? Is his behavior acceptable either way?

Edited January 1, 2020 by Concernedparent

[schlumpy]

I will assume that she has talked to him about her concerns and he has not been receptive. He's not going to change his behavior unless your daughter is willing to hand him consequences for his actions. To do that she has to risk their relationship. If she doesn't demand fair treatment now, I doubt very much she will receive it later. I don't see how you can play a part in this drama except to offer a place to stay if she needs it. This is her life and her decision.

 

 

[The Outlaw]

You have the right to be concerned because he doesn't sound like a safe bet. For anything. He's either got a lot of growing up to do, or he just isn't committed to her at all but she's just going to have to draw her own decisions on how to proceed with him. But it sounds like it's a road to nowhere. He's going to do whatever he wants to do. It would probably be best for her to end it, but again, she's going to have to decide. 

[mark clemson]

It doesn't sounds like he's supportive at the level one would hope for in a spouse - ie, ready to compromise and/or give up what's fun for him when the partner needs support. So, no it doesn't sounds good. However, at 27, I hope you intend to let your daughter make her own decisions (right or wrong) and let her learn lessons from them if necessary. Suggest you advise when requested but not overbearingly. MIL's have a bit of a reputation.

[Mr. Lucky]

6 hours ago, Concernedparent said:

Is his behavior acceptable either way?

Not for you to judge, and your question presumes little faith in your daughter's judgement and ability.  She's the one he has to make happy, let her decide...

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

i agree that your daughter is at the age to be able to make sound decisions.  I guess what he is providing outweighs his behavior.  He isn't going to change as you can see your comment about him staying home with her NYE was brushed off like nothing.  So now you know the type of son-in-law to expect.  No he isn't using her she is allowing this to be with him.  She can move and doesn't have to move 600 miles but could get her own place there.  I'm sure she already has a job there so it should be pretty easy if she wanted to go.

[d0nnivain]

You are her parent.  Of course you are concerned.  Unfortunately even though you know better you can't tell her what to do.  If you tell her to break up with him you will cause a rift.  All you can do is be supportive.  Listen.  Ask the occasional pointed question -- how do you feel about what he did?  What does a good husband / life partner look like to you?  How does he compare to that ideal?   You have to let her get good & fed up.  She won't leave him until she's ready to.  Nothing you can do will change her timeline.   

[Daisydooks]

My mom always had faith I wouldnt marty the wrong guy. I didnt. She definitely didnt love everyone I dated, but she trusted me to make my own decisions as an adult because she had faith I would come out on top. I was far too stubborn to stay "stuck" anywhere permanently, but she also knew I had to make my own mistakes. So she remained in my corner when I needed her. 

Does she have a good head on her? Do you not trust yourself in the way you raised her? I know parents worry. And cry. A lot. Have faith in her. 

Regardless, it isnt your choice anyway. If this relationship is a "mistake" it is still very much her mistake to make. 

Edited January 9, 2020 by Daisydooks

[JTSW]

It's ok to be concerned, but they are adults and it's for them to sort out.

Your daughter sounds very insecure and he sounds like a very sociable person.

She cannot stop him doing things independently.

He can't just sit and hold her hand 24/7. He is his own person.

She tried to stop him going to see the band (that they paid for tickets for) and it's understandable that he wouldn't want to waste it.

It was also new years eve and she told him to be home by midnight. You know what new years eve is about right?

she tried to stop him going on a trip. There was nothing wrong with him going on a trip with his brother.

Sounds like she doesn't trust him and personally i think she is being a little unreasonable.

[crederer]

It sounds like an overreaction on your part to be honest. Staying out until 1am on New year's and going on a weekend trip with his brother is not a big deal at all. 

Do you tend to worry about things a lot in general? My mother worries about things all the time. Things that are honestly not even something to worry about to the point where I don't even tell her much about my minor troubles because I know it's going to upset her too much and she will focus too much on it. For example, my job is seasonal, she asked how work was going during the slow season and I told her that business is slow right now. Well she sent emails to my other family members asking everyone to rally for me because I'm going through a hard time. I've had this business for 8 years and I have a slow season every year. I was just making conversation but she assumed it meant I was damn near broke or something. 

Anyway, just a word to the wise, if you worry too much about things that aren't a huge deal your daughter may have the same reaction I did and stop letting you in to her personal life. 

Cheers

[Ellener]

On 1/1/2020 at 5:04 PM, schlumpy said:

I don't see how you can play a part in this drama except to offer a place to stay if she needs it. This is her life and her decision.

I agree. 

Let them work it out themselves and be there if it doesn't work and she needs support to start over, that's what I'd do with my son.

All parents worry, but the children have to grow up and live their own lives, make their own mistakes.

You're a good mum to care so much but don't get overinvolved in another couple's relationship even when it's your daughter is my thinking.