Struggling with the end of EA

[Sweetspot]

I have been (or was) having an EA with an MM for just over 2 years, he is an ex from many years ago, we were off and on but quite young at the time and it just never really worked out.  For me he has always been the person who I never really forgot, I’ve always had fond memories and occasionally heard about his life from friends who were still acquainted with him.  I knew he was married and that he had 3 young children.

We saw each other for the first time in what was probably 12 years at a friends wedding, I was a bridesmaid and he was an evening guest. We chatted quite a bit about his family, our careers, people we knew, just basically catching up. It was extremely apparent that there was still a spark between us but I just resigned myself to the fact that it would probably always be there, it never at that point occurred to me to act upon it.  Plus I’d not long come out of a LTR, it was messy and I wasn’t looking to get involved with anyone at all, certainly not a MM.

Fast forward 18 months and he followed me on a social media platform and I accepted his request.  He didn’t post anything on there and beyond him liking a couple of my pictures we didn’t interact at all, at least not for 6 months or so. Then one day I had this very vivid memory of a day trip we took while abroad and I messaged him and was like ‘remember when we hired that car…..’.  Over the next couple of days we reminisced about that holiday and caught up generally but that was it. I admit after that he was definitely on my mind a bit more.

Then at the end of November ’17 he started messaging me ALOT, most days and multiple times throughout the day, when he was at home with his family, when he was out with friends, all over Christmas.  I had more contact with him than anyone else in my life, I came to rely on hearing from him it was all I thought about from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep and even then I would dream about him. It was all consuming!  At this point we didn’t talk about his situation, not really.  He would occasionally mention the children and his wife but more so the children. I don’t think either or us were particularly comfortable talking about his wife.

Over the course of the 2 years we’ve only met up in person 4 times, he doesn’t live that far away from me only about 30 miles but I try to stay away because seeing him is hard.  I enjoy it at the time but the lows after are so low.  We’ve been physical twice out of the 4 times.

The EA has been off and on for those 2 years, he backs off because he feels guilty, his feelings are too intense, he can’t risk loosing his children… whatever, I guess we’ve all heard the ‘reasons’. It always starts up again after a couple of weeks or months.  Usually it’s my resolve that slips, but then he will be back to messaging me everyday until the guilt kicks in again. He has told me on more than one occasion that he feels no guilt towards his wife, horrible I know but he maintains his only guilt is because of his children.

So I last saw him 6 weeks ago, he’d been out for the day entertaining customers at a sporting event. He suggested he could come to me in the evening on his way back, so he arrived about 7.30pm and left in the early hours. It was like a date, we kissed but other than it was a lot of laughing, hand holding and wrapped up together on the sofa with a couple of drinks. It was like it was all of those years ago. I ordered him a taxi and he messaged me when he got home to thank me for a good night. I didn’t then hear from him for a day after that then he messaged me just asking how I was, there was a bit of back and forth about a property I’m purchasing and I sent him a link and some pictures but since then nothing! I’ve not heard one thing. It would be unusual not to hear from him for a couple of days but 6 weeks!! I’ve been strong I haven’t contacted him either, but this feels so unresolved! When I feel the urge to get in touch with him I just repeat to myself ‘He’s married’ over and over again. But the fact that I may never hear from him again hurts and that feeling will come over me in waves at times. I know it’s wrong but I miss him, but who misses a person that treats them that way?!

I don’t know why I’m posting here, I guess I just wanted to get it all out of my head if only briefly. I’m hoping that I will continue NC, I know it’s the best way forward but some days it’s just so hard.

[mark clemson]

11 minutes ago, Sweetspot said:

Then at the end of November ’17 he started messaging me ALOT, most days and multiple times throughout the day, when he was at home with his family, when he was out with friends, all over Christmas.  I had more contact with him than anyone else in my life, I came to rely on hearing from him it was all I thought about from the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep and even then I would dream about him. It was all consuming! 

 I’m hoping that I will continue NC, I know it’s the best way forward but some days it’s just so hard.

It sounds like you may have had limerence for him. Possibly him for you as well. Unfortunately, believe that tends to make things a LOT more intense.

Believe you are right to continue NC. If he doesn't try to contact you, you should be ok, hopefully. IF he recontacts you, consider discussing NC with him, and then letting him know you want to end it and block him and why and then doing it. Get him to agree if possible. Not having him retriggering your feelings may help.

Ultimately, you want to move on with someone you can actually have, right? One can, if not careful, put years and years into affairs only to come out with little to show for it at the end except the affair itself. From everything I've read, the MMs tend to stay with their BWs, esp. if never discovered.

Assuming you're able to go NC successfully, some things that may help take the edge off include:

- Time in nature (even just nature pics on your computer); at least 10 min a day (boosts serotonin)

- Time spent socializing, normally platonically (boosts dopamine)

- Exercise/working out within your physical capabilities (boost endogenous opiates)

- Distractions such as good books, TV shows, hobbies, or even work if you are the type who enjoys that

- Volunteering or something else that "makes a difference", especially if it can be social (similar to distractions and socializing, but also helps fill the "gap" in your identity created by losing this important person in your life)