He cheated on me when we were exclusively dating and I found out 2 months later.

[C100]

Hi all, 

Looking for some advice on my relationship. We started dating just before summer and had the talk about being exclusive a month later, after which I was advised by a friend hes still actively on dating apps. I confronted him on this and after a conversation he declared himself off the apps and committed to me. A week later he goes on holiday for his 30th birthday and comes back all okay (as far as I was aware).. month later we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend, meeting each others friends, enjoyed a holiday together etc. All was great. One thing that always bothered me was his shady behaviour over his phone.. I pulled him up on this and asked to see his phone (never have I ever felt the need to do this). From messages hes been meeting up with a "female friend" meanwhile telling me hes with some of his other friends (basically lying throughout our relationship) and pleaded that this girl is just a friend (even called her to confirm to me).. his reason for not telling me was that he didnt know how I would react and he didnt want to ruin anything. (If it's just friends why lie right?).. so from this point on I'm now suspicious of other things hes keeping from me.. I searched on his phone for more.. messages from his birthday weekend with girls, hes chasing them to meet up etc. He then confessed he kissed someone and states nothing else happened.. yes this was before we were bf and gf but both agreed to be exclusive! He initiated the exclusive talk as well! 

I care about this guy so much and we have such a great time together and it feels amazing being with him.. after all this I'm in a state of shock.. how could this amazing guy do this to me? Lie over and over again. I've had suspicions before I knew the truth and gave him opportunity to be honest.. he chose not to. We've had a though month or so now, he believes we can work this out, that boundaries are clearly set and pleads he could never do this again. I'm so torn because he is a great man but this behaviour is so hurtful. My friends and family now dislike him (making it so much harder to even try and talk any of this out and be supported) and I'm stuck in a rut of "do I throw this away" or "give him one more shot". 

 

Any advice or shared experiences would be amazing, thank you for reading. 

C x

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, C100 said:

I care about this guy so much and we have such a great time together and it feels amazing being with him.. after all this I'm in a state of shock.. how could this amazing guy do this to me? Lie over and over again. I've had suspicions before I knew the truth and gave him opportunity to be honest.. he chose not to. 

And I'm sure he counts on that infatuation with him to keep you dancing to his tune.

I'm really sorry but your BF does not have the same level of feeling for you that you have for him. That is a bad position to be in. You will always feel pressure to forgive and overlook.

I realize that this is a very young relationship and both of you are testing boundaries and learning about one another. Those things are usually solved though disagreements that end in compromise. How do you compromise about seeing other people (as friends of course) and kissing member of the opposite sex? 

I would pull back emotionally and require that my SO does some heavy lifting to get back to me. There has to be a level of trust established and there is none on his part. His reaction will tell you if he is a keeper or a player. Right now it looks to my distant viewpoint that he is a player.

[elaine567]

But he is NOT an amazing and great guy is he?
Despite words like exclusive and commitment, he is still lying to you, fooling around and  hiding stuff.
You cant trust him an inch and that is no basis for a long term relationship.

[JTSW]

You are just his fallback. 

You are his security blanket to go home to after is 'meet-ups'.

He cannot be trusted.

[kendahke]

Quote

we have such a great time together and it feels amazing being with him..

Unfortunately, you are an easy mark for him--he can do whatever he wants because he knows you're not going anywhere.  You're still with him right? That proves that he can do whatever, you'll blast for a minute and then he'll do "something amazing" to lull you back into the stupor and he'll pick right back up from where he left off until the next time you blast---rinse and repeat.

That is the trajectory you are on--and where you're investing the finite resource that is your youth... never to recoup said youth again.  Mind where you invest that.

Edited January 2, 2020 by kendahke

[stillafool]

Honey I know you say you two have a great time together and he makes you feel amazing, but guess what?  He makes those other girls feel the same way about him and he uses it to his full advantage.  He isn't ready to settle down yet.