DH's relatives act as if I and the kids don't exist

[NanC]

My husband's brother and his family are in town to visit his parents. They spend the entire time doing whatever they want, which is not an issue. But what they also do is keep pinging my husband to meet them whenever they want, without planning anything with us first. Specifically, they invite him to things where our kids can't go, which means I have to stay home with kids and only my husband can join them. Their own kids are older and it's not a problem for them.

I know my husband's relatives have always been extremely self-centered; still this behaviour surprises me. If this was the other way around, i.e. we invited his brother for something and left out his brother's wife or kids, his wife would throw a massive tantrum, and his brother would anyway never put anything else before his family. Which is why their behaviour towards our family feels even more hypocritical. 

Now my challenge is what to do about this. If my husband doesn't go whenever they call him, he doesn't get to spend time with his brother and brother's family. But if he goes, it makes our life stressful because I have to take on child-related tasks which my husband would normally do at that time. If they were courteous enough to plan ahead with us, my husband could at least find a better alternate time but that is not going to happen.

[JTSW]

It definitely sounds like they are deliberately trying to exclude you.

Talk to your husband. Tell him you are totally fine with him spending time with his family but you feel you are being deliberately excluded.

 

Edited January 2, 2020 by JTSW

[SummerDreams]

I would tell my husband that he is free to go see his family but he should be where he should be the times he has to take care of the kids. Simple as that. I would not change my schedule to suit his brother's schedule. If my schedule doesn't suit his brother's schedule, well too bad. They are here for holidays and I have my normal life with work, kids, errands etc. They will compromise with my schedule and not the other way. So simple.

Edited January 2, 2020 by SummerDreams

[stillafool]

What did your husband say when you addressed this to him?  Personally, I would just let him go be with them and if I had the feeling they were purposely trying to exclude me I wouldn't want to go anyway.  Is it really so stressful to take on the child related tasks that your husband does for just one day so your husband can spend time with his family?  What if an emergency arises and your husband has to go out of town, who will do those tasks then?

[elaine567]

Maybe your husband needs to say something and to tell his brother that if he wants to see him they need to arrange more convenient times.
My guess your husband is only too happy to leave you with the kids and have a good time with his brother.
You say the brother would never allow this as his wife would have a tantrum and he would would put his foot down. 
I think your husband is probably the weaker of the two and so he knows if he kicks up a stink, the brother will shut him down or out.
He doesn't want that to happen, so he panders to the brother and leaves you in the lurch.

[schlumpy]

If this bother's you so much set up several people you can turn to for baby sitting services. Offer to pay more if they will drop everything and watch the kids while you go off with your husband and his family. Make sure hubby gets the bill.

Problem solved.

[stillafool]

I agree the babysitter idea is the best solution but it seems like you don't really like them anyway.  Do you really want to spend your free time with them?

[PinkFlamingo]

I'm not sure why you're so hung up on your husband's relatives. I'd look at my husband and tell him to find a solution for his family. Either he has a serious words with his family or he stays at home if they can't come up with something that makes it possible for your kids to go with them.

These are his kids as well. What kind of father has trouble standing up for his family? His wife and children should be his priority. If his brother is not able to see that, your husband should ditch him for disrespecting his family.

You should confront your husband, not complain about the bad behavior of his family, because he is the one who allows them to behave like that.

Edited January 2, 2020 by PinkFlamingo

[Artdeco]

I would be most irritated by the fact that they don’t want to get to know your kids better. Apparently they live out of town, and if they come visit over the holidays, they should at least show some interest if not in you then at least in your kids. They’re blood related for crying out loud. I don’t know whether or not there has been some conflict in the past with you. Maybe they don’t like you for some reason. There are always people who don’t like certain people. But to not show any interest in your nephews / nieces that you never (or rarely) get to see anyways, that’s not ok behavior. I’m sure your kids would like to hang out with uncle / auntie and cousins. 

[VIOLET EDEN]

She did mention that the kids are older, than hers, so maybe its the age gap that doesnt make them hang out as much. But I suggest you talk to your husband, otherwise I really like the babysitting option mentioned above, but do not use it until you talk to your husband, communication is key in a relationship

[stillafool]

Yeah and maybe since their kids are older they don't want to hang out with kids but do adult things.  Hey some people are like that.

[preraph]

Maybe they've been waiting 20 years to get away without the kids and have an adult trip slash vacation.  That's how I'd be.  Have some fun instead of doing kiddie things and babysitting.  

 

Get a babysitter if you want to go, but I am pretty sure you don't want to go, but if you do, get a babysitter.  You don't always have to take your kids with you.  

[Mr. Lucky]

11 hours ago, NanC said:

If this was the other way around, i.e. we invited his brother for something and left out his brother's wife or kids, his wife would throw a massive tantrum

Which you're compensating for by throwing a minor one?

Holy smokes, it's just a visit.  Not sure how this became a life and death struggle over individual rights, but I'd guess we're only talking about a week or so.  I'd encourage my spouse to go and, having stating my interest in being included with the kids, let it go at that while being flexible in freeing up his/her time.  Your husband isn't in charge of the arrangements, so it's not the hill I'd want to die on.

There must be some backstory here for things to get this heated...

Mr. Lucky

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

My dad's side did this to my mom; his family is a farming family, they are weird, they are used to working 19 hours a day, sleeping for 2-3 hours and asking for help with damn near everything... It is exhausting, their expectations are so high, they expect us to just drop what were doing and hang out, sometimes they even show up unannounced, because thats just what you do in small towns and they feel its fine to act that way.

The first time they showed up to my sisters place unannounced she had a fit and sent them all home and they always call her now, but if we dont set that boundary, f*** they just show up at the most inconvenient times.

[Miss Clavel]

On 1/2/2020 at 3:02 PM, stillafool said:

Yeah and maybe since their kids are older they don't want to hang out with kids but do adult things.  Hey some people are like that.

if their kids are older they should babysit her kids. the brother see each other, the kids see their cousins.

i'd love to be a fly on the wall when she suggests this. they are gonna be reduced to stammering. their plan to exclude her just got trumped. hahaha

however, maybe, like a lot of us, they are just over babies/raising kids. they have earned their freedom and they want to enjoy it, sister in law and brother included.

Edited January 13, 2020 by Miss Clavel