This needs to end

[crazymess]

Hello. I would like to thank everyone who contributes to these boards; it has been very helpful. I have been lurking around trying to figure out how to get out of the mess I am in. 

My story is very similar to a lot of the others, with a couple of differences. When I was 15 years old, I moved in with my BF and his parents. We married at 19 as I was pregnant. Fast forward 30 years and six children later, I decided to end the marriage. I was never happy but had always remained faithful to H. He was at one point physically abusive and then it was only emotionally, both towards me and the children. The underage children stayed with me. 

After the separation, I met a man, divorced, his children not very involved in his life. Things moved pretty fast. The sex seemed amazing (keeping in mind I had only one partner to compare it to). Turns out, he has been living with a female "roommate" for six years. He tried to convince me she was only a roommate but finally did admit she was his GF. He tried the usual, saying he was not happy, he wanted out, he was looking for a place of his own, etc. He was convinced his GF was cheating on him and he just had to catch her, etc. 

He had asked a few times to borrow money, little amounts at first, always with a promise to pay back on a certain date. Of course, stupid me, I lent him money. If I questioned him, he would get angry and say things like "how do you think I feel having to ask to borrow"? So he would borrow, pay back some, borrow, pay back less, etc. Over 2.5 years, I "lent" him 20K with less than 2K of it being returned. As a single mother now, single income, little in the way of child support yet, that is hard to swallow. Last month, I ended up having to declare personal bankruptcy. 

Then there is church. He convinced me to attend his church. He would walk in with his GF and sit behind me or in front of me. He would wink, brush up against me, etc.in the church. I stopped attending mainly due to guilt but other reasons as well. I knew what we were doing was wrong. The pastor often talked about fornication, adultery and hypocrites. Often, I felt like the pastor was talking directly to me. He would say he is not married, so it is not the same but he would quickly remind me that since my divorce is not finalized, that technically I am still married. I cannot understand how this man can attend church three times a week and go to a men's night once a month knowing what he is doing is so wrong, sitting there pretending to be holier than thou. I won't bore you with all the biblical arguments we have had. AP says he was put in my life for a reason, using biblical references, and that everything in our lives is predestined. This was meant to happen. He would use biblical references saying that I put work above God because we should not be working, all we have to do is ask, and God will provide. Of course, he just doesn't like when I have to work on days his GF works. My days are supposed to be spent with him but Monday to Friday 9-5 only.  He would even use biblical references regarding lending of money. He would use the biblical story of Abraham and Sarah, who had a concubine (a side chick really) whom Abraham had a baby with while married to Sarah. He would pretty much find something in the bible to justify his life and his actions, because apparently, God forgives everything, all sin is forgiven.  

All the same excuses why he couldn't leave his GF except then he started adding his colour (I am white, he is black). He would say my family would not accept him and my children would not like him because of his colour. My mother would not agree because he is black. He would even say my ex would have a problem (my ex is engaged to be married, actually three months after our separation, he moved in with a family friend and they got engaged, whole other story). I had really started pulling away, not talking to him everyday anymore, seeing him only once every few weeks instead of everyday. So he called me with a solution; he would move in with me and my teenage daughters. Of course, he knew my answer was going to be no, because he has been kept a secret from everybody, I was not about to just let someone move in with us. What example is that for my teenage girls? He offered to pick up my daughter from school one day and take her driving; I again said no. She didn't know him. I have realized he only offered these kind of solutions because now he can say that I am the one not willing to make things work with him. I will not let him move in, I will not allow him to become involved with my daughters, etc. There are steps to introducing a new partner into my life. 

Holiday times are always the worst. Today makes it 13 days that I have not spoken to him. Of course, his GF is off work for the holidays but he would normally at least email 50 times a day. Nothing. 

So many mixed emotions right now. He has really hurt me emotionally, financially, mentally and even spiritually. The pastor has texted me every once in a while asking me if things are okay since I stopped attending. I am so tempted to tell the pastor everything. AP praises the ground the pastor walks on. AP told me if the pastor moves, he will follow him.  

Sorry, I never intended for this to get so long. There is so much more. I really do not know if counselling would help. 

 

[JTSW]

Stay well away from this guy. He sounds creepy.

He is very manipulative and is only using you for money and sex.

I'm worried about what his real intentions were with your daughter when he offered to pick her up from school.

Talk to the pastor.

[Piddy]

I'm an atheist, but agree you should talk to your pastor.  Someone you trust.  You are being used big time.  Cut your losses and stay away from this guy.  He's no good, which you know down deep.

You may need counselling to regain your self esteem.  You've made some terrible mistakes trusting this guy.  Move on with your life and learn from this.  

Edited January 2, 2020 by Piddy

[mark clemson]

This guy sounds like a sociopath (they're not all axe-murderers and such). Suggest you get him out of your as quickly and completely as possible. You will probably have to write off the $18K, unfortunately, but I think you already know that.

[stillafool]

Why would you even care that you haven't heard from him in 13 days?  Just hope 13 turns into 1300 days.  This guy is using you and is not going to leave his gf and is probably spending your money on her.  Take him to court and get your money back.  Did you make him sign anything when you lent him the money?

Edited January 2, 2020 by stillafool

[skywriter]

crazymess, 

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. From the title of your thread, as well as one of your opening sentences, you want out.

It would be beneficial to continue with this thought pattern, and not allow him to persuade your otherwise. In fact, No Contact would be recomended. If you are intent on getting your money back, I'd consider finding out, how  legal assistance can be obtained.

I'm inclined to think  the person you described ,feels superior, intellectually to you, and won't take you seriously.

Your actions will speak for you. It may benefit you to speak to the pastor. A good pastor won't judge. Explain your need to find a different church should this man remain in attendance.

You have to take your power back to rid yourself of this type of individual. If he thinks he is being exposed it may help you to do so.

Best of luck to you.

 

 

 

[stillafool]

Well actually I would find a new church to attend rather than make it seem that I will leave if this man is still a member.  That wouldn't be fair to the Pastor to have him make the choice.  I would find a church where I felt more comfortable.

[crazymess]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Why would you even care that you haven't heard from him in 13 days?  Just hope 13 turns into 1300 days.  This guy is using you and is not going to leave his gf and is probably spending your money on her.  Take him to court and get your money back.  Did you make him sign anything when you lent him the money?

 

I am just having a hard time not hearing from him..I spoke every single day for hours on the phone and over 50 emails per day. He has had some health issues, so I do worry, but then again, he has used that in the past as well..saying things like he thinks his time is close for his life being over, what would I do if he didn't wake up tomorrow, etc. 

He did not sign anything. Most of the money was made through e-transfers so I have records along with emails requesting loans. I also have some un-cashed post-dated cheques from him. 

[stillafool]

Make copies of the checks before you cash them.  At least you have records of the transfers.  If you get weak and lend him more money make sure you have him sign a written document of the loan including all amounts that are owed to you listing them separately and the dates you lent the money.  Also put a date when all of the total loan is due.  Make sure to date the  document and keep copies.

My gawd, how old is this dude?  He's sick, old and still trying to be a playa and shyster.  What does his gf help him with?  Look, he's a loser and won't/can't change.

 

[skywriter]

Right, I agree with not expecting your pastor to choose and I really didn't mean to imply he should. I was really thinking more of exposing this man that you want don't want in your life. He sounds manipulative and possibly believes he can decide to continue contact. But, yes, for No Contact to

be enforced, finding a new church would benefit you and your family. Oh, I see you haven't heard from him. I imagine it is hard for you but please know in time you will be better for No Contact.

Edited January 2, 2020 by skywriter

[crazymess]

He is only 52..he suffered a massive stroke in his late 30s, which left him with physical disabilities. He was never able to return to work. He tries to tell me God allowed him to have the stroke to then become a part of my life. It is his purpose. Of course, I do not believe this at all. He was married at the time of his stroke and he believes he still would be married if it was not for the stroke. 

His GF provides a place to live, looks after meals, cleaning, etc. She must be back to work today as he has been calling me. I have not answered the calls.  

[skywriter]

Good on you crazymess, for maintaining No Contact. You are taking control of the situation for yourself. Just pray for strength to continue

on with this no contact. Just focus on you and your daughter.  The days ahead will be a roller coaster of different emotions but just believe in yourself and what's best by getting him in your past.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

OP, I understand that you feel victimized by this individual, but you have to understand that you are not a victim in this... You played a bigger part in your own victimization than he did... Like... Sure, he might of asked you for money, but you gave it... Sure, he might of asked you to attend his church, but you went.

Ok, sure, he lied about living with his girlfriend, but right then and there, you should of cut contact and you didn't.

You need to be held accountable for your own actions, especially as a parent; like what is to stop you from turning around and getting right back into another one of these situations with somebody else? If you are not your own advocate, the dating game will eat you alive... You need to have your best interests in mind at all times.

Sorry if that is a little harsh, but I have saw others, friends, in the same position you are in now and everyone around them just allowed them to believe that they were a victim and these bad experiences just piled up as a result... People like this, especially people in their 50's, they are set in their ways, they do not change and no amount of pleading from you will change that.

[stillafool]

59 minutes ago, crazymess said:

He is only 52..he suffered a massive stroke in his late 30s, which left him with physical disabilities. He was never able to return to work. He tries to tell me God allowed him to have the stroke to then become a part of my life. It is his purpose. Of course, I do not believe this at all. He was married at the time of his stroke and he believes he still would be married if it was not for the stroke. 

His GF provides a place to live, looks after meals, cleaning, etc. She must be back to work today as he has been calling me. I have not answered the calls.  

Wow sorry to hear that but that is not an excuse for being a cheater and shyster.  Frankly, I'm sure you can do better besides this guy already has a gf.  You don't need that but you do need your money back.

[jolehno]

Stay away of this dude!! Please, if not for you, just out of respect of her GF. She cooks and provide for him a he cheats with you. He is not good and you know it. Act accordingly.

[crazymess]

7 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

OP, I understand that you feel victimized by this individual, but you have to understand that you are not a victim in this... You played a bigger part in your own victimization than he did... Like... Sure, he might of asked you for money, but you gave it... Sure, he might of asked you to attend his church, but you went.

Ok, sure, he lied about living with his girlfriend, but right then and there, you should of cut contact and you didn't.

You need to be held accountable for your own actions, especially as a parent; like what is to stop you from turning around and getting right back into another one of these situations with somebody else? If you are not your own advocate, the dating game will eat you alive... You need to have your best interests in mind at all times.

Sorry if that is a little harsh, but I have saw others, friends, in the same position you are in now and everyone around them just allowed them to believe that they were a victim and these bad experiences just piled up as a result... People like this, especially people in their 50's, they are set in their ways, they do not change and no amount of pleading from you will change that.

 

Oh trust me, I know this whole mess could have been avoided had I been more smart and not so trusting. I beat myself up every single day. All the way back to the first time we grabbed some lunch together...sitting there eating still and he thanked me for buying lunch. I feel very foolish.  

[Ellener]

Just stop giving him money and find a church where the teachings are centred on equality, social justice, kindness.

As for him being disabled and can't work a) plenty of disabled people ( including me ) work and b) presumably he's claiming some sort of benefit.

If you stop giving him money I doubt you'll hear much from him, cut your losses there and put the rest down to experience.

[crazymess]

On 1/3/2020 at 4:17 AM, Ellener said:

Just stop giving him money and find a church where the teachings are centred on equality, social justice, kindness.

As for him being disabled and can't work a) plenty of disabled people ( including me ) work and b) presumably he's claiming some sort of benefit.

If you stop giving him money I doubt you'll hear much from him, cut your losses there and put the rest down to experience.

 

I cannot give him money..I filed personal bankruptcy and have to show where the money goes every month. Even when I did not have the "extra" money to help him out, he would expect me to take if from a credit card or overdraft. He does get some sort of disability pension. He does pay child support. He has a brand new pick up truck. He lives a very "look at me and what I have" lifestyle but cannot pay his way. 

I mentioned him getting a job..every excuse in the book from him why he couldn't...biggest excuse "it is dangerous out there, women are dangerous, they all just want one thing, sex"...he seems to think everywhere he goes, women want him. If a woman smiles at him, talks to him, looks at him, they just want sex. Heck, even the women in the church want him for sex only.  He is afraid to go to the gas station because a woman will hit on him.

I stopped going to the church about eight months ago. Too much drama. Pastor (married) would even talk about the women hitting on him...do all men really think if a woman is nice or smiles at them, they are flirting? I did not date ever - I left high school at 15 and got married. 

 

[mark clemson]

This is really inappropriate. The way this man shows no respect for your boundaries. Not to mention the money stuff. And the yelling. Reiterating the thought that you're better off without this guy.

11 hours ago, crazymess said:

 Or even better - he uses an app on his phone, a fake caller ID app. ... I answered the first time he used my lawyer's number and he yelled at me about how he knew I was screening my calls and then he hung up. Now, I don't even answer my phone if it says it is my lawyer calling. She will leave a message. 

 

[Daisydooks]

On 1/5/2020 at 9:48 AM, crazymess said:

He does get some sort of disability pension. He does pay child support. He has a brand new pick up truck. He lives a very "look at me and what I have" lifestyle but cannot pay his way. 

I mentioned him getting a job..every excuse in the book from him why he couldn't...biggest excuse "it is dangerous out there, women are dangerous, they all just want one thing, sex"...he seems to think everywhere he goes, women want him. If a woman smiles at him, talks to him, looks at him, they just want sex. Heck, even the women in the church want him for sex only.  He is afraid to go to the gas station because a woman will hit on him

This is the definition of insanity in my books. Like, lock-this-man-in-a-padded room, insane. He is a well versed con artist who took you to the cleaners. Any man who is preaching the word of God, while also doing EVERY one of the things listed here is out of his ever loving mind and a fake. I have known men who attended church only to find a homely girl with a good and decent homelife growing up. Your naivety here is hard to swallow. I havent a mean thing to say, and only want what's best for you. You got scammed by this nasty soul. 

Most men I know are fairly self aware, and know their limitations and know where they stand with women. Most men are not like this, where they are over the top full of themselves. He sounds delirious/not all there in the head. His moral compass is nonexistent.  

I am gobsmacked by the nonsense your affair fog has allowed you to believe. He is a serial con artist at best. At BEST. Never mind MM. He isnt a cheater in an affair with a woman he loves. He is an outright con artist. My creep meter is at an all time high.

He creeps me out more every single time you share more. You should be creeped right the **** out too, not sad or crying. Please continue coming here, ignoring him and posting for support. Block him everywhere! Seriously, this guy is super scary.

What you know of him is so VERY scary, which is only the tip of the iceburg. Ever seen his house?  Does his GF come to church? What is her outward behaviour like? Quiet? Reserved? Does she shut up unless spoken to and remain quiet most of the time? 

When you mentioned getting a job and I read through where you said he lives lavishly on a pension, my spidey senses went off (I immediately flipped from a douchey cheater to a con artist upon reading the last post,) and immediately imagined he has conned a number of you this way. You aren't the first and wont be the last. He will do this to women until he dies because he is a sick human being. Imagine, he took $20000 from you, and $20000 from 5 other people. How does he live a lavish lifestyle without money? You helped him live the good life for a bit, but I cant help but feel there are many others. His women are affording him his lifestyle. You are only one of them, I promise. It's not worth digging deeper, but since he has bled you dry completely, he will be onto someone else when he gets frustrated by this situation and you since you can no longer give anything more financially, he is bored of you and investing his energy elsewhere. He preyed on you and it worked because you are naive. A nice little church girl, who had never been with anyone other than your husband, had very few life experiences before marriage and could be taken to the cleaners. He saw you coming from a mile away, said all the right things. Jump for joy that he is gone and you can finally start seeing him for what he is. Over the holidays, I guarantee he was out finding your replacement. Even with the GF at home, he would have typically messaged you. Open your eyes. Now you're broke though so he doesnt value you as much as more. 

I would bet money on him having a number of women around paying his way, including the 6 year live in girlfriend/"roommate." I cant imagine what kind of life they lead  

Above and beyond creeped out, his behaviour and abuse is a solid red flag, girlfriend.

Chin up, back straight, EYES OPEN.

[2BGoodAgain]

oh boy, what a nut job.

okie, look... i can reference the bible with the best of them.. but let me put it to you this way.

he's the type of wolf in a church environment who uses anything to get his way. biblically, he's going straight to hell. he's twisted written Word, to fit his needs. a big NO NO.

also, he's a sociopath, a liar, a self deluded crazy toon.

RUN, do NOT walk to the exit.

he's just using you, and you are being used. 

[spiderowl]

He has really dominated you for a while it seems. It’s worth asking yourself why you let him do this because there is obviously a vulnerability there to a dominant guy.

Thankfully, your protective instinct towards your children came out and prevented worse happening. It’s already tough enough for you. 

If you’ve had that much contact and intimacy with someone, you are bound to suffer withdrawal symptoms. That’s what they are. They will fade with time if you tough it out, keep away from him and allow yourself to get to know others instead.

Counselling with a good counsellor could really help you to see the wood for the trees here. Sadly, I’ve heard other women talk about the trials a guy has put them through for months/years and yet it is as if another part of them is really not taking it in. They complain, say how they’ve seen the light, and then make contact with him. If you truly have seen this guy for the conman/manipulator he is, you will not allow him to draw you back. Having the support of a counsellor can help.

it doesn’t matter how he justifies what he does. What matters is why you were swayed by it. You know at one level it does not make sense, you see the hypocrisy and narcissism. You need help to fight that unconscious influence he has over you.

Good luck. I believe you have the strength there but I know it is tough.

 

 

Edited January 18, 2020 by spiderowl