It's been 5 months and I am still having a hard time coming to terms with it.

[Pichu]

Hey there!

Although this is my very first post, I have been lurking here quite regularly in the past few months. I also don't really know why I am posting this, maybe it's just to get some things off my chest and to hear what people on this forum think, I am not sure yet, I'll just start typing and see where it leads me. My apologies in advance, as I am aware it might turn out to be quite a wall of text.

So, I (33F) was in a relationship with my ex (36M) for 8 years. We lived together for 7 and have a cute little dog that is now 7 as well.
Over-all I think our relationship was pretty good. I mean, it wasn't perfect and the both of us had flaws (I for example was quite impatient and can be a hothead at times, he for example is very forgetful and could be quite slacking, on top of that I have anxiety issues and he has bipolar), but none of them I personally thought were too much of an issue for us to deal with. We loved each other (at least, that's what I thought), we shared a lot of interests together, spend a lot of time together as well and I can genuinely say he was my best friend. We shared every little detail with each other and I think that by the time we broke up we knew each other best, better than our parents did. 

Now, the months leading to the break up (end of July 2019), he became very very depressed. I am used to this, as he was bipolar, he always has been depressed often. Some episodes shorter or less intense than others. This episode though, was quite intense and very long. I think the firs signs of his depression started at the start of 2019 and gradually became worse. We just bought a house, he was trying to restart his career after a year+ sabbatical (which wasn't working out the way he hoped it was) and I was in the middle of an occupational burn out. I took care of the both of us financially during that period (last 1,5 years of the relationship or so) and he started to talk less and less, became overly negative about everything and even stoped talking to his family for a while. I asked him a few times if we could talk about it and what was wrong, but the answer always was 'I don't feel like talking about it', so in the end I decided to give him some space, be patient and just let him do his thing whilst I did mine. I also tried to put as little pressure on him as well regarding the new house and other stuff. 

The weekend he broke up with me, we had a sleep over guest. I saw something in his neck and I was worried so I wanted to check it out, but he bumped back, put his t-shirt up and told me it was just a bruise. I told him that I thought his reaction was weird, but as we had a sleepover guest I decided it could wait until after the weekend when he was gone, as I had some suspicions that it could be a hickey. However, after he dropped of the guest that Sunday and picked up our dog at my parents place, he basically told my parents he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. He tried to paint me as an aggressive person, by telling out of context and sometimes even completely off stories that were all from years ago. When he came home, he told me in short he wanted to leave, gave me a bunch of vague reasons, packed his bag and left, never to return again. I was in shock, I had no idea what happened and I never saw this coming. A few days later I asked him if we could at least have a talk about it. He told me of course, as he didnt hate me by any stretch and didn't want cut me out of his life completely. He invited my best friend over, I thought it was for emotional comfort for me, later on she told me he wanted her there as he was afraid I would attack him (like, uhm, what?? I never attacked him ever in my life). I was calm and tried to explain that what we built up together and just moved to our new house (not even 2 months earlier) is worth fighting for and you at least try to talk to each other to see if you can make it work, I even suggested couples counseling. He wasn't receptive, gave me more vague reasons (barely any factors I could actually help), told me we were a complete miss-match and that you can't fix what has been dead for years. Later on I asked if there was someone else and then he told me 'not yet'. For me that was the red flag (besides the hickey), cause that is a very specific and curious answer.

I'm not proud of it, but I found out there was indeed someone else. My ex is a fairly public figure and he always chatted to a lot of his female fans. I called him out for that quite often as well, but he told me he would stop it and I decided that if he told me that and I wanted to stay in this relationship I should trust him and let it be. Turns out, he started chatting again and this time left me for one. She's a fan, she's 25 years old and has an instagram full of pictures of only herself, and when I say that, I mean nothing else. No pics with friends, no pics of travel or food, nothing but pictures of herself. 5% in lingerie or just sexy poses. I know they started chatting when we were still together, but I have no idea for how long. He started dating her right away and I found out by accident (as I have blocked both of them and am actively trying to avoid them, problem is, we work in the same industry and have mutual friends) that they already started living together 3,5 months after we broke up! Like, who in their right mind does that, they haven't even been on holiday together, that girl is quite a bit younger and I doubt she even properly lived together as she used to live in student housing before and there is no trace of previous boyfriends. 

In the period after the break up, small little things started happening as well, but I am not sure if it's to provoke me (my best friend thought that was the case as he hoped I would react, so he could confirm I was indeed unreasonable and angry). First he reactivated his facebook after years of inactivity and removed me as a friend (mind you, I am not an active user, so he won’t be bothered by my posts and he literally has thousands of people on there he doesn’t know). Then he kept me as an administrator of his business page, even though he removed his fake account and must have seen my account in the overview as well. A week or so after I get an email that I am no administrator anymore. Then a week later I got an e-mail that he scheduled an old unpublished page I made for deletion, one I didn’t even know he was administrator of, and then after 2 weeks when the page was supposed to be removed I found out that the deletion has been cancelled and a few weeks after that he blocked me entirely on Facebook and very shortly also my phone number. He has 'dumped' his best friend as well, telling other people he is on bad terms with him, he has tweeted some stuff that basically is him playing the victim, screwed up a few great business opportunities and lawyered up to demand a quick sale of the house and some money on shared accounts, whilst I paid most of that by myself as he didn't have an income back then. He still owns a key to the house, still has quite a few stuff here where he constantly says not having the storage space for to pick them up, even still uses it as his postal address so I receive mail for him weekly. When I ask him what do to with his mail, he ignores me completely. He is also still actively hiding this girl to me and he still never admitted it. 2 weeks ago I ran into him by accident as he came by the house when he expected me to be at work. He wanted to pick up some stuff, but couldn't handle the confrontation so drove off again. After I saw him (I've basically been in no contact since the BU unless it was necessary), I have sent him a text message saying how disappointed I was that he was able to treat me like this, after all we have been through and after all I did for him, that he can just treat me worse than he would treat a stranger and that I knew from day one about this girl. It was a very polite message, tbh, just needed to get some things off my chest. I never expected a reply, but he did, 1,5 days later. The message shocked me. He thanked me for all I did, but that I shouldn't take his silence as a mistreatment but that he was absolutely terrified of me and still ignored everything about her completely. He was trying to imply I was abusive and I was just flabbergasted. I know my flaws, I know I can be a hothead, but I am not abusive and not someone you have to be terrified off. It hurts me so much that he has convinced himself of this, it bothers me a lot.

Again, I am not sure what I want to achieve by posting this. Maybe it's just a bit of a rant. It feels very unfair that I am miserable and he is already living together with her and being happy. It also hurts that he has painted such an overly negative picture of me whilst I can wholeheartedly say that I did everything for him. He's not from my country, I have set up his entire life here, helped him a lot with setting up his career, supported every decision, gave him space and let him do his thing, I would have died for him. I can't believe that this is the way it ends, that he doesn't even have the decency to be polite and try to end if on good terms as much as possible. Not once has he asked about me, my family or our dog. He has cut me out heartlessly, does everything in his power to avoid having to see me or speak to me, it's so sad. And I can't stand them being together either, I know it's petty but I hope they crash and burn sooner rather than later and I hope at some point he will realise what he actually did lose and that what we had wasn't that bad. I don't think I want him back anymore, too much has happened, and I know that even if we try again I don't think I can ever fully trust him again. But it's still hard for me to believe that what we had is gone and that he traded me in for someone else. 
 

[schlumpy]

1 hour ago, Pichu said:

Not once has he asked about me, my family or our dog. He has cut me out heartlessly, does everything in his power to avoid having to see me or speak to me, it's so sad. And I can't stand them being together either, I know it's petty but I hope they crash and burn sooner rather than later and I hope at some point he will realise what he actually did lose and that what we had wasn't that bad. I don't think I want him back anymore, too much has happened, and I know that even if we try again I don't think I can ever fully trust him again. But it's still hard for me to believe that what we had is gone and that he traded me in for someone else. 
 

AT this point, I don't see where you have any choice but to make him eat the same treatment he is handing out to you. You may have done all the things you stated and can't believe this is the way it ends but it's very clear to me that he is doing everything in his power to convince you that it will end like this.

I wouldn't blame you if you prayed every night for God to call your SO to his reward. I'm sure you wouldn't be the first or last one to do so.  After you are done asking for holy retribution, you have to start protecting yourself. It seems you have quite a few claims that he would like to ignore. See a lawyer about your options. Don't allow him to make one decision about what happens from now on uncontested. There will be lots of time to grieve your relationship once the legalities are settled and knowing you got a fair deal will shorten you period of grief.

Quit contacting him. It only makes you weak and you will be strong.

And in the future if he decides he wants back in and you still want him, do not make the mistake of doing so without him suffering consequences.

 

[alterest]

The main thing is: you are putting him in the center of your universe. You are keeping create cenários where he realize how he misses you or where things won't work.. I know it's pretty hard to do, but start to work on you and focus in make your life better. You have no control in his life and you never had, but you have control on your life. So take that control and start to heal you up. And focus on this "hothead" issue. It's not healthy for you and for relationships.

He is making your image so terrible, so ask him politely to not do that, that you want respect and that you don't do that with him, so you don't like him doing that. After that, say that you don't want to keep contact, block him everywhere and move on. If thing continues, look for a lawyer to get more perspective about your rights.

I know break ups it's hard to deal, but don't try to keep someone like him in your life. He said that he want to keep in touch, and still tell people how bad you are?! That makes no sense.

Edited January 2, 2020 by alterest

[stillafool]

I know it hurts but tbh most men and women who leave a relationship fast usually have someone else waiting in the wings for them.  I've been there and it sucks. He is afraid of you because he's guilty and a coward.  He also probably doesn't enjoy hurting you so know that.  I agree with alterest that you need to now start focusing on making yourself better.  You can help yourself by stop viewing their social media.  You do not need to know what is going on in their lives as this will keep you stuck and unable to move forward.  So what if he's blocked you because you don't need to hear from him anyway.  Just keep moving forward and be nice to yourself.

[Pichu]

thank you for your replies!

I already have a lawyer, but him and his lawyer are delaying replying to my offer. I also don’t contact him at all, only when I need to for stuff around the house or that one time after I ran into him 2 weeks ago because I just needed to get off my chest. I also don’t check his socials, it might be hard to believe (although I don’t have reasons to lie), but the things I mentioned I found out on accident. 

I am also already focusing on getting better. Before he left me even. I was in therapy before, cause most of my issues were related with anxiety and my burn out. Afterwards I have been going to another psychologist, the gym, I started journaling and am overall just trying to stay healthy and be around people, I’m actively avoiding things around him where possible and asked friends not to mention anything about him anymore. I always have been aware of my flaws, I have always been working on them, especially now. But he has a lot of flaws too and I figured that as long as we wouldn’t constantly fight, we could live with those flaws as no person is perfect.

it doesn’t take away from the fact though, that it sometimes is really hard, especially knowing that he’s already happy with someone else and is able to treat me like that, whilst I still feel broken no matter what I do. Especially the last days with Christmas and NYE have just been horrible and I can’t help but miss him again, even though I try not too. 

Edited January 2, 2020 by Pichu

[stillafool]

I know and I'm sorry for you.  The holidays are a horrible time when you are recently broken up from someone and especially when they have moved on to someone else.  Just hang in there and Spring will be here before you know it and your spirits will be lifted.