anyoneelse Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Well the last year of my life was hands down the worst since my brother died. I posted over a year ago about being stuck in a marriage I didn't want with a horrible person. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/571811-at-the-end-of-my-rope-after-22-years-but-stuck/#comments I filed for divorce in May of 2018, it took them nearly a year to get us in court. Long story short, we ended up with joint custody of our kids, though my daughter now lives with me because after I left, my ex turned the anger and rage she poured on me for so long towards my daughter. She continues to ignore our son, who does go back and forth. The ex and our daughter have a basic minimal relationship that is volatile as you still never know when her mom will explode. The divorce was horrible, but worth it in the end. I'll never forget the tears on my kids faces when I told them what was happening, that was the hardest part. Kids heal and they will understand down the road. The courts made me pay all, and I mean literally every penny, of her bills for a year while we waited to get into court because she refused to agree to anything in arbitration because she had visions of taking me for $3,000 per month. I had offered her $1,600 monthly in arbitration and she refused. When we finally got into court, the judge was nice enough and split what little assets we had 50/50 and didn't count any of the money that made me work more than 40 hours a week, which is about 60 percent of what I make. I ended up with a court order for alimony and a little child support of $1,300 per month for ten years. I can heartily say it's the best $1,300 per month I spend. She made my life hell that year we waited for the ruling with constant threats and demands for money. But I am out and don't feel like death is the only way away from her. I did move out on advise of an attorney about a month after my initial post. I felt pretty low with my kids not around me for the first time since they were born on the weeks they were with her. A few months later feeling lonely and wanting to stop letting her control my life by delaying everything, I decided to try online dating just to see if I was capable of a relationship (she had made me feel like i was a terrible person for so long, I believed her on some level) and met a fantastic woman who is everything my ex could never be. Don't stay trapped people, it's hard, but life can be, and should be better than living with an abusive, hate-filled spouse. My kids understand now that they see me with someone who is loving and kind. They come out of their rooms, we eat together, we play games together. There are lingering remains from all the years in that relationship that I hope will go away eventually. I still feel afraid to talk about things I want and my dreams. My kids and I still look for signs of anger that aren't there in my new SO because we expected it for so long. It gets better month by month and we are happy. Thanks for all the advice, I hope anyone in a similar situation as I was will leave, it's not easy, but it's worth it in the end. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Beentheretoooften Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 I happened onto this site after your original story. Reading your post today made me feel very happy for you and people in general. You showed there is always a way out if you want it bad enough. I imagine your story will help the thousands on here that will hopefully read this. Furthermore, reading your post today has given me another sort of clarity. So I thank you, congratulations and best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 38 minutes ago, anyoneelse said: (she had made me feel like i was a terrible person for so long, I believed her on some level) Indeed, it's what keeps some people so stuck. I'm glad things have worked out for you! 2020 will be a much better year for you, I predict! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 7 hours ago, anyoneelse said: It gets better month by month and we are happy. Thanks for all the advice, I hope anyone in a similar situation as I was will leave, it's not easy, but it's worth it in the end. Always like to hear about people emerging successfully from the other side. My Dad told me once, "when faced with two options, pick the harder one - that usually means it's right". Glad the future looks bright... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 I'm glad you got through that. Take a breather, and then just enjoy life. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 11 hours ago, anyoneelse said: But I am out and don't feel like death is the only way away from her. Think that says a lot right there. Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
wirebender Posted January 20, 2020 Share Posted January 20, 2020 (edited) Anyoneelse I just finished reading your old thread and your follow up in this thread. I am very happy for you making the decision to get out, and following through with it. A few years ago, I started a thread on my own situation, but can't find it now. Basically, I am in a 12 year marriage that is similar to how yours was, but much worse based on events you mentioned, and with a 7 year old son, whom I adore. My W is the poster child (literally) for NPD, the worst of the BPD's. She is a vicious person, who mentally abuses me all the time. I am pushed to the limit of physical altercations often, and have been threatened to have my son pulled from me fully. I am fully aware of her diagnosis, as made by my therapist, and have thought about leaving many times, even going so far as to hire an attorney, trying the living separately under one roof, game, unsuccessfully. As I was on the cusp of being "out", I couldn't do it for fear of not being with my son, and someone else raising him. I make a VERY good living, which means I am screwed. I have a prenup, but it is slowly dissolving based on time weighted agreements. At the same time, I have become comfortable in the situation as is, based on my time I am able to have with my son, and the thought of just taking things day by day, dealing with each situation as they arise, which is almost daily. I simply decided I cannot be without my son for what could be decided on once every other weekend, as he is so young, she will undoubtedly get more time. We are worse than roomates, as there is no trust, nor mutual respect. As we don't have any physical relationship, we usually only discuss day to day activities or my son. It struck me in your discussion when you said something along the lines of feeling the only way out was if death occurred. I don't mean in a malicious way, but sometimes I feel that that also is the only way I would be able to get out of this mess. I have read the BPD family articles, books on narcissism, etc, and I know she is not changing. My questions to you are how did you find the courage to actually follow through with your decision, and how did you deal with the knowledge of not being with your kids when they are with your ex? Edited January 20, 2020 by wirebender Link to post Share on other sites
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