First real breakup

[sadboy123]

Hey, I (m19) just got dumped by my first real girlfriend (by text, a few hours before the new year) I was working late and she asked me to not come to her family party afterwards because she "had to think". Then later that night she sends me message saying it's over and that she couldn't fake being happy with me anymore (I went to her place just 2 days prior and everything seemed fine?)

However there's some history in the second month of the relationship that I further explained on another post if you want to read --> 

it explains the little problems we were having lately.

I should have realized at least 2 weeks ago that there was something wrong when she asked to become an open relationship because of my problems and inexperience in bed, but I was getting too comfy in the relationship and was blinded by love. There were a few more signs, like her sudden loss of libido (we didn't do much the last week of the relationship except cuddling and kissing) and her not seeming too enthousiast to see me when I got to her place. But, you know, I asked her regularly to tell me if everything was fine and she never complained except that she wasn't satisfied in bed. Now that she broke up, she gives me full of bullsh*t excuses (like loss of passion, although it was me who was doing most of the efforts to keep the passion alive recently) Ive heard them all except the one I know for sure is true (that I couldnt give her at the moment what she wanted in bed).

Of course Id like to get her back, but she made it pretty clear that it's over so I don't think there's much I can do? If she wants me back she will contact me herself I guess?

I still have some clothes at her place but I don't have the heart to go get them so I asked her to mail them to my place (I mean, she dumped me by text so I don't think she really wants to see me for now either) but at this point I don't really care about 2 t-shirts and a sweater, I'm just too hurt. I don't know how to deal with this for now. It was only a 2 months relationship but it was so intense and chaotic, I don't even know what I feel right now. I guess dating someone who drops her clothes in front of me after as soon as we're alone in the first date isn't really something I should do again.

I like posting on there, it helps me empty my bag. Feel free to participate to the discussion with any advice, encouragement, opinion on the whole relationship/breakup.

 

[JTSW]

You said you had sex on the first date? What does that tell you about her?

You've only been dating 8 weeks and in that very short space of time she constantly complained about the sex and pitched the idea of an open relationship.

That alone should've told you that you weren't enough for her.

I wouldn't wait around for her.

She wont be back.

Accept it and move on.

 

[sadboy123]

Although the relationship was toxic towards the end, she was still my first real girlfriend and I've learnt a lot from this experience. So even if we're not coming back together, it'd be important for me to at least stay in good terms with her.

I'm thinking about sending just one message, saying that there's no hard feelings on my part and that if she changes her mind (not now, but someday) and that I'm still single, the door will be open and I will consider giving it another chance. However I'll specify that I won't be waiting for her, so it's her call.

This way I can leave the door open whitout looking too desperate and it lets me be single and maybe meet someone else.

I'll also let her know that I don't plan on going all the way to hers to get my things so if she hasn't mailed them already she can keep them.

Edited January 3, 2020 by sadboy123
Adding

[JTSW]

I wouldn't text her. 

It comes across as desperate. 

[schlumpy]

17 hours ago, sadboy123 said:

Although the relationship was toxic towards the end, she was still my first real girlfriend and I've learnt a lot from this experience. So even if we're not coming back together, it'd be important for me to at least stay in good terms with her.

I'm thinking about sending just one message, saying that there's no hard feelings on my part and that if she changes her mind (not now, but someday) and that I'm still single, the door will be open and I will consider giving it another chance. However I'll specify that I won't be waiting for her, so it's her call.

This way I can leave the door open whitout looking too desperate and it lets me be single and maybe meet someone else.

I'll also let her know that I don't plan on going all the way to hers to get my things so if she hasn't mailed them already she can keep them.

Don't send that text. You will regret it. 

[Piddy]

Let her go.  It's your first relationship so you'll always remember her.  You can't make someone like you.  Don't send the text.  Everyone gets dumped, it's the risk you take giving someone your heart.  You'll find someone else.  The hurt feelings will go away over time.  Good Luck..........

[sadboy123]

But why would it be so bad to tell her that I leave the door open eventhough I won't be waiting? Why would I regret that?

 

[Piddy]

2 hours ago, sadboy123 said:

But why would it be so bad to tell her that I leave the door open eventhough I won't be waiting? Why would I regret that?

 

You can do what you want to.  But if you may want to get back with her then there's this thing called no contact.  Evidence shows that acting disinterested and having no communication works best in cases where you are the dumpee.   

With no contact if she still has any interest in you she'll eventually become curious and contact you.  That's the best case scenario for you.  Telling her you'll leave the door open actually works against her possibly wanting to come back to you.  

No contact isn't a guarantee that she'll want to come back,.  But again, history shows it's your best option if that's what you want.

[sadboy123]

Okay I see your point. However Id say it's more of a closure text asking to remain in good terms and saying I don't really plan on going to her place to get my things so she can keep them (nothing really valuable anyway). Just adding that if she changes her mind someday I would consider giving it another chance but that I wouldnt wait for her in the meantime.

The real no contact starts now, if she doesn't answer for now (like I think will happen) I just move on without any expectations of talking to her ever again and if she eventually reaches out it'll only be a pleasant surprise.

[Piddy]

38 minutes ago, sadboy123 said:

Okay I see your point. However Id say it's more of a closure text asking to remain in good terms and saying I don't really plan on going to her place to get my things so she can keep them (nothing really valuable anyway). Just adding that if she changes her mind someday I would consider giving it another chance but that I wouldnt wait for her in the meantime.

The real no contact starts now, if she doesn't answer for now (like I think will happen) I just move on without any expectations of talking to her ever again and if she eventually reaches out it'll only be a pleasant surprise.

She dumped you, there are no good terms.  Sure you can text her and ask for your things back, but leave it at that.  No leaving the door open / changing her mind stuff.  You really want to appear to be indifferent even if you don't feel that way.

Here's my experience on why I believe no contact works.  I'm ancient, but human nature / behavior doesn't change.  Decades ago my live in girlfriend dumped me out of the blue.  It was rough believe me. 

But I moved on and did the no contact before that was a thing.  Didn't realize I was doing anything except moving on with my life. Two years later she contacted me all sweet and innocent and wanted to talk about getting back together.  However, I had moved on though and had no interest.

Here's what happens in many cases.  The dumper leaves for whatever reason.  They start dating and eventually realize the grass isn't any greener out there in the dating world especially if they dumped a decent guy.

  So they eventually start regretting their decision  and become curious whats going on with you and may reach out and want to reconcile.

That is less likely to happen if she knows you are leaving the door open or pining for her to return.  You need to be indifferent to her in her mind.  Being indifferent makes you more attractive now in her mind.  It sounds crazy I know, but there's a lot of evidence that this is your best option.

And you may always have a soft spot for her being your first girlfriend.  But there's plenty of other girls out there that may be a better match for you.  My advice is start dating again.  This will help you get over her quicker as well.

And you never know you may get a call from her down the road when you least expect it.  Then the ball is in your court............

Edited January 5, 2020 by Piddy

[sadboy123]

Now that it's been almost a week since the breakup, I get a strange feeling. I feel like the whole relationship is just so distant now.. I still think a lot about it (asking myself what I could have done differently etc.), even if I do my best to keep myself busy and surrounded by people, but it doesn't make me that sad anymore and I'm not able to think clearly about all of this. Everything got kind of blurry in my mind.

Hell I can barely remember her face now since I deleted her on social media (only kept her number just in case but haven't talked to her in days and I don't plan on using it anytime soon anyway). It feels like it has been months since the breakup but exactly a week ago I was sleeping at her place for the last time.

It's just such a weird feeling. I'm certainly not completely over it yet but I guess that means it's getting better?

She was my first "official girlfriend" but I still had other heartbreaks in my teenage years and as I remember the sadness and angriness lasted longer than that, I wouldn't stop calling or texting to get a second chance or getting angry and writing nasty things. Sometimes I wouldn't even get up in the morning. But this time I just kept myself busy trying to keep the focus on myself and thinking less about her and it feels like she's becoming more and more just a simple distant memory (faster than I thought). However, is that really the right way to go? Idk it feels like my mind is just blocking me from every memory related to her so I don't get hurt.

[scooby-philly]

You don't send that text because it's not about HER or "YOU AS A COUPLE" - it's about you as an individual. She dumped you, she did it immaturely and with no considerations for your feelings, and....she is at the very least an attention whore, if not not outright whore in general. Now, I don't mean that without careful thought of using that word. I have no problem with sex and no problem with women who love sex. But if a woman says she wants a committed relationship, and complains about the sex without discussing how to make it better and her role in it and then trying, then she doesn't want a committed relationship with you. Probably given your description you're late teens or early 20's - assuming she is - she's not going to be ready for marriage for a long, long, long time - so don't send that text - because not sending it lets YOU convince yourself that it's over, that your subconscious needs to move on, and that you have some modicum of self-respect. You don't need nor will ever get closure from her and if it's been a week and she hasn't contacted you about your stuff - then her immaturity and selfishness level just rose up another notch. Kick her to the curb and find someone else.

[sadboy123]

So yesterday she messaged me after like 10 days or something of no-contact. Basically she apolagized for dumping by text because she says she never could have done it in real because it was too painful. She also said that she'd be lying if she said she didn't miss me but that she believes I need time alone to deal with ''my problems''. Then she also added that she is ''disappointed our good moments together couldn't last longer but that we never know what the future holds for us... happy new year xox''

I simply answered to take care of herself (and that I'll do the same for myself) and that the future will tell us if our paths are meant to cross again. I thanked for the good times, wished her the best and told her she could still contact me if she has something important to tell me. We left it at that.

I only gave this simple answer because I didn't want to seem too desperate, but damn I want her back so bad. I don't know if I should message her again soon or if I should let at least another week pass. I'm currently at my second week without her, feeling better but still thinking a lot about her, not much about other good-looking ladies around me.

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, sadboy123 said:

So yesterday she messaged me after like 10 days or something of no-contact. Basically she apolagized for dumping by text because she says she never could have done it in real because it was too painful. She also said that she'd be lying if she said she didn't miss me but that she believes I need time alone to deal with ''my problems''. Then she also added that she is ''disappointed our good moments together couldn't last longer but that we never know what the future holds for us... happy new year xox''

I simply answered to take care of herself (and that I'll do the same for myself) and that the future will tell us if our paths are meant to cross again. I thanked for the good times, wished her the best and told her she could still contact me if she has something important to tell me. We left it at that.

I only gave this simple answer because I didn't want to seem too desperate, but damn I want her back so bad. I don't know if I should message her again soon or if I should let at least another week pass. I'm currently at my second week without her, feeling better but still thinking a lot about her, not much about other good-looking ladies around me.

I sympathize with your need for her. It's a pain millions of people have felt and can drive you to distraction. Considering your need for her, you did as well as you could. Everything is going as she planned and she should get out this relationship with a minimum of personl pain since you've been so compliant.

I know you can't do this now but you have to start flushing her from your life. Burn the memorabilia (pictures, cards, letters, etc...) get rid of media addresses and phone numbers. Tell common friends you do not want her name mentioned in your presence. Go completely dark.

This is so you can heal. Look up the Chump lady's website and download a copy of the 180. It's a scripted program that will help clear you head and get back to rational thinking.

Only time and distance will solve your emotional problem. Do not allow her to pretend you are friends. Her interest in you now is to ease her guilt at the crappy way we she handled the breakup. She needs to suffer some consequences and you need to date again as soon as you are able. 

Good luck.

[Piddy]

3 hours ago, sadboy123 said:

 I don't know if I should message her again soon or if I should let at least another week pass.

The answer is not only no, but hell no.  Don't message her at all ever again.  You're going to come across as desperate.  And if there is any possibility of her coming back you'll just drive her away by you keeping on bugging her.

Let go.  It's hard I know.   And again, most likely the only way she possibly could come back is for you to act INDIFFERENT. That means acting like you don't care.  And the way of acting like you don't care is not by messaging her.

So to summarize.  Most likely ensuring she never comes back, then keep on bugging her.  By leaving her alone and going no contact, is the best option for her to possibly come back.  You have to fight off your feelings about contacting her.  I'd star dating again,  from personal experience that will help you get your mind off of her.

And you may find someone better and more compatible.  I know I did.  😉

 

[sadboy123]

3 hours ago, Piddy said:

The answer is not only no, but hell no.  Don't message her at all ever again.  You're going to come across as desperate.  And if there is any possibility of her coming back you'll just drive her away by you keeping on bugging her.

Let go.  It's hard I know.   And again, most likely the only way she possibly could come back is for you to act INDIFFERENT. That means acting like you don't care.  And the way of acting like you don't care is not by messaging her.

So to summarize.  Most likely ensuring she never comes back, then keep on bugging her.  By leaving her alone and going no contact, is the best option for her to possibly come back.  You have to fight off your feelings about contacting her.  I'd star dating again,  from personal experience that will help you get your mind off of her.

And you may find someone better and more compatible.  I know I did.  😉

 

Yeah and I did exactly like you suggested me, I did not message her even if I wanted to and she magically appeared 10 days later saying she misses me and undirectly letting me know she keeps the door open. I was really passive in my answer, fighting with the envy of asking for a second chance.

But maybe with time she realized she wasn't so unhappy with me. I mean, I know what I want in life, I'm succesful at most things I do, I'm good-looking (more than her other exes I'd say), I've always treated her right (but without being "too nice"). The only things she ever complained about was sex but she knows I'm actively looking for experiences and solutions.

I get it that messaging her (especially just 2 weeks in the breakup) may come across as desperate and could ruin my chances and I'm not saying I'll do it, but she pretty much put the ball in my court with her long wall of text I think. And yes I've started looking to date again on the side, but she's still the one I love for now and I just don't want to miss my chance if there's any. It makes me feel lost but hopeful at the same time.

[schlumpy]

11 minutes ago, sadboy123 said:

And yes I've started looking to date again on the side, but she's still the one I love for now and I just don't want to miss my chance if there's any. It makes me feel lost but hopeful at the same time.

I understand it's difficult to use a love fogged brain, but you will learn a life lesson - albeit the hard way.

[sadboy123]

On 1/11/2020 at 11:43 AM, schlumpy said:

I understand it's difficult to use a love fogged brain, but you will learn a life lesson - albeit the hard way.

Annnd lesson learned, the hard way. After an other week of no-contact I messaged her asking her to start dating again, that if she didn't want to she could just ignore my message and I'd move on.

She answered anyway and after a few texts it got kind of heated and I made her admit openly that the sole reason she dumped me was because of my problems in bed (that are most certainly solvable with experience due to my young age and good health condition). She even said that she's now sleeping on a casual basis with her ex from another city (she moved here for a fresh start) and that it made her realize she doesn't think I can give her what she needs for the moment. I wouldn't be surprised if she was already talking to him before dumping me.

It's already been a few weeks so it hurts less but still hurts. I was naive thinking I could change her mind by proving I've changed but I think I needed that big slap to the face to realize it's truly over. Now the real acceptance and recovery can start.

Edited January 13, 2020 by sadboy123

[JTSW]

She was very likely already sleeping with him before she dumped you.

I'm glad you have woken up to it though and can now see that she wont be coming back to you.

I wish you a great future 🙂 

[scooby-philly]

And that's why you don't send the message!!!!! If she couldn't work on things WITH you, she wasn't that emotionally committed to the relationship. Things got heated, you look like a fool, and your hurt got reinforced by her admitting (true or not) she's back with an ex. 

No contact means no contact!

[sadboy123]

3 hours ago, scooby-philly said:

And that's why you don't send the message!!!!! If she couldn't work on things WITH you, she wasn't that emotionally committed to the relationship. Things got heated, you look like a fool, and your hurt got reinforced by her admitting (true or not) she's back with an ex. 

No contact means no contact!

I don't really mind looking like a fool to someone whom I will most likely never see again. I really think I needed to see her bad side to fall out of love and feel better (and stop seeing her as some perfect irreplaceable woman) so I actually think I feel better now.

[scooby-philly]

@sadboy123 - if that's how you feel, then that's how you feel. But to be honest, I doubt that you did it on an subconscious level for that reason. I could be wrong and I would happily admit it. But having had my heart broken twice before, I know that those emails are generally about our own egos and our conscious minds trying to find some way to blame the other person or put some false closure on things.