Girl I have been dating for 3 months is friend with an former « sex-friend »

[gringoloco]

Hi everyone,

So I’ve been dating this girl for 3 months.

I have always been a bit on the defensive because I learnt not to get too attached from my past relationship which ended very badly (lasted 3 years, was my first real love). I make a point not to spend too much time with her because and to make sure I spend time on my own with my friends because I don’t want to reproduce the mistakes I made in the past (spent too much time with my ex, she had a depression issue and it was an unhealthy relationship), plus I have some hesitations...

This girl and I we have a pretty good vibe. She was not my « ideal » type of girl but she has lot of charm and somehow I m starting to get attached.

She’s been the one doing most of the chasing so far. Texting first most of the time. She planned a 2-day weekend for us which just ended, and honestly it was great. I felt at ease with her, like I did with my ex.

Now the issue I have is that she was a bit of a player in the past. She has been in long term relationships, but in between she had a lot of casual sex. Can’t blame her, I ve had my share of one-night stands myself. But somehow it makes me feel a bit akward thinking about how many guys she had...

During the weekend we just had, I must confess I had a chance to look at her phone while she was in the shower and I felt the urge to look. I saw that she was still texting this guy who had been her « sex-friend  » and who now seems to be a « friend ». She had mentioned him to me once or twice before as a « friend », but apparently her ex was upset about her seeing this guy too. For new year’s eve, she wanted me to come to a party but I already had something planned with my friends so I passed. She invited this guy.

Apparently he left before the end of the party, so maybe I m over analyzing, but knowing it really stresses me out. She presented the guy to her friends in a group messageas « a former sex friend who is now a friend ». In the texts she had with him there was nothing too alarming, but she asked him if he had been back home safely after the party and also asked if he was « mad at her » because « she could have been annoying due to the alcohol ».  

Honestly I don’t know what to think about that. Her friends know me and she told pretty much everyone around her that she was with me at the moment, so it’s something positive. We have amazing sex ( and a lot of it too), and I l know she likes me too because she always talks about doing things together in the future. Even her mum knows who i am. 

But really I tend to stress too much about this guy’s story. It hate feeling this way, because I m used to getting a lot of girls, and it makes me feel really weak to worry about these things. I tend to want her more because ofthat. 

I can’t really bring it up to her, I would hate looking like I’m jealous, but It also makes me feel the urge not to get tooattached for my own safety.

Any ideas?

[smackie9]

You looked through her phone! that makes you what again? jealous? Too late.... yes you are and paranoid to boot. Sorry buddy but you ain't ready to date someone like her. Back off for your own sake before you do something stupid. How would you like it if she was digging through your phone to find out stuff about your past or whatever.....you would be p^%$ off

Edited January 2, 2020 by smackie9

[gringoloco]

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You looked through her phone! that makes you what again? jealous? Too late.... yes you are and paranoid to boot. Sorry buddy but you ain't ready to date someone like her. Back off for your own sake before you do something stupid. How would you like it if she was digging through your phone to find out stuff about your past or whatever.....you would be p^%$ off

I know i m not proud of myself let s make that clear. I have never done it in 3 years of relationship with my ex. Because I have never felt threatened and I knew she was never going to cheat. Wells kudos on me, my friend found her on tinder a few weeks before we broke up. Now i just can’t trust people anymore. They can look like they love you to hell and still screw you in the end...

[dramallama]

D'ya know what, I'm friends with a former 'sex friend' as you put it. We actually stopped having sex because we'd become too friendly! I'm also friends with my first serious boyfriend from high school and we still do occasional musical projects together 20+ years later. I'm in touch with the father of my child (obviously) - we spent Christmas morning together - not especially keen on the man though.

People can have intimate relationships and MOVE ON.

I think you're bringing your old baggage into this new relationship - don't do that. Don't punish the new girl for the old girl's mistakes.

[Gaeta]

Listen to your instinct it's telling you this isn't the type of woman you were hoping for yourself.

I had a sex-friend when I met my boyfriend. Him and I had been friends for 4 years when I met my current boyfriend. We had stopped sleeping together for a year already but once in a while we went back to the sex.....all sex-friends go back to the sex here and there. So, when I met my current boyfriend I broke it with the no-more-sex-friend. It really sadden me to not have him in my life anymore, we spoke several times a day, but I had to pick what were my priorities and my boyfriend came on top. I was not gonna risk my relationship with him and I was not going to impose on him a girlfriend with a sex-buddy as a friend. 

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I know i m not proud of myself let s make that clear. I have never done it in 3 years of relationship with my ex. Because I have never felt threatened and I knew she was never going to cheat. Wells kudos on me, my friend found her on tinder a few weeks before we broke up. Now i just can’t trust people anymore. They can look like they love you to hell and still screw you in the end...

Well you can't undo what she did to you, but you can take a good look at your behavior because of it. You shouldn't be dating anyone when you have trust issues. It won't matter if you are dating the virgin Mary, you will still question everything. You are not ready.

Edited January 2, 2020 by smackie9

[preraph]

It all sounds harmless.  Relax.

[gringoloco]

If I listen to my instincts it’s sending me major warnings. I don’t want to have to worry that if I leave my girl alone at a party and she gets drunk, she’s going to hook up with the first guy around. That’s so unattractive.

She seems like someone with good moral values, generous, and with ambition - which at 22 is pretty rare - but she naively told me a lot about her past and who she hooked up with etc... and honestly even though she say it’s in her past, I m a guy, and I know that when you ve had sex with someone and you re still friends with that person there s a 90% chance that it will happen again.

I don’t know if i should bring that to her, or if I should just look for someone else, but I know I won’t be able to cope with something like that. After 3 months I know I have no right to ask her to remove people from her life, but she should do it by herself. My ex did that, when i started dating her she cut contact with her ex. And when i tried to be friends with her she told me that whoever she would date would not accept that so it couldn’t happen. I respect that.

[gringoloco]

2 hours ago, enigma32 said:

If it bothers you to date a girl with a past like hers, just don't do it. In your place, I wouldn't want my girl hanging out with a guy she used to bang either. Find a girl that ticks all your boxes and stop wasting time dating women that aren't your ideal. 

I wish it was that easy to come across your ideal type of woman. Took me 25years to come across my first real love.

[kendahke]

4 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I must confess I had a chance to look at her phone while she was in the shower and I felt the urge to look.

that's a bit extra for someone for whom you say

4 hours ago, elpandillero said:

She was not my « ideal » type of girl

Why are you wasting both of you all's time if you're only dealing with her as a placeholder/time marker til your ideal girl turns up? What does it matter who she's talking to when you're really not all that invested in her?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

In other words, you are ok with having had casual sex with multiple women, but you want YOUR woman to not have had much casual sex.

[gringoloco]

9 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

In other words, you are ok with having had casual sex with multiple women, but you want YOUR woman to not have had much casual sex.

It’s not that. It’s that first I wouldn’t talk about it to her, and second I wouldn’t risk losing my crush over some former sex friend. I have never kept contact with any sex friend

It’s a bit funny. that even her ex was not at ease with her being around the guy. Now I can understand why, because she never told me he was a former sex friend. I had to find it by myself

[JTSW]

Why don't you talk to her about it?

Tell her it worries you that is friends with a a guy she use to sleep with.

If you keep bottling this up its going to eat away at you until she cant handle your behavior and walks away.

If you are serious about her and want a future with her, then you're going to have to communicate your issues with her.

[gringoloco]

40 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Why don't you talk to her about it?

Tell her it worries you that is friends with a a guy she use to sleep with.

If you keep bottling this up its going to eat away at you until she cant handle your behavior and walks away.

If you are serious about her and want a future with her, then you're going to have to communicate your issues with her.

I am not supposed to know that she slept with him.

I was thinking about saying something such as that I am aware she s had multiple guys, but that I won’t be able to deal with her being friends with former sex partners, and that it is better not going forward together if that’s something she’s planning to do because I know that I won’t tolerate it and it will create issues later on. 

That way things are clear at the 3 months mark.

[JTSW]

Just now, elpandillero said:

I am not supposed to know that she slept with him.

I was thinking about saying something such as that I am aware she s had multiple guys, but that I won’t be able to deal with her being friends with former sex partners.

If you mention 'sex partners' then she'll know you have found out.

Just tell her someone told you about him and her past with him, and that you are uncomfortable with it.

[gringoloco]

I think she was disappointed that i didn’t go to that new year s eve party with her, apparently several of her friends asked why I wasn’t there, but still if she acts like that anytime I am not able to be with her...

Also how am i supposed to ever be able to trust her when she tells me that drinking makes her horny? So any bob around at that time will bang her? 

I just need to have a straightforward conversation with her, although i don’t like being the one talking about officializing things

Edited January 3, 2020 by elpandillero

[ThorntonMelon]

Im not sure I get why you're going to fess up to spying on her. I'd bury that as deep in your memory bank as your brain allows.

You've been dating three months and then when you didn't go out with her on NYE (which to me is a hair odd but I'll leave that alone) she took another guy. Who cares whether she has slept with him or not. 

I'd be apologizing to her for not spending NYE with her, tell her that its made you more jealous than you'd expected that she'd taken a different date, and that you want to do better. 

Or get out of the relationship altogether because your preference was your friends over her on a night one spends with their significant other.

Your call.

[gringoloco]

6 minutes ago, ThorntonMelon said:

Im not sure I get why you're going to fess up to spying on her. I'd bury that as deep in your memory bank as your brain allows.

You've been dating three months and then when you didn't go out with her on NYE (which to me is a hair odd but I'll leave that alone) she took another guy. Who cares whether she has slept with him or not. 

I'd be apologizing to her for not spending NYE with her, tell her that its made you more jealous than you'd expected that she'd taken a different date, and that you want to do better. 

Or get out of the relationship altogether because your preference was your friends over her on a night one spends with their significant other.

Your call.

I haven’t been with any other girl since I started seeing her regularly (and i had plenty occasions to do so), hence why i care wether she slept with that guy or not. It’s just a moral thing. I would be a bit disgusted if she did, that alone would make me stop seeing her straight away

[ThorntonMelon]

You're missing the point. You don't need to confess you went through her phone and know they slept together. You can handle it without revealing either of those details. 

[gringoloco]

26 minutes ago, ThorntonMelon said:

You're missing the point. You don't need to confess you went through her phone and know they slept together. You can handle it without revealing either of those details. 

i can’t handle it. if they slept together it would be a dealbreaker for me

[JTSW]

What makes you think they're going to sleep together while in a relationship with you? 

Doesn't sound like you have much trust for her. 

[Mrin]

On 1/2/2020 at 12:59 PM, elpandillero said:

For new year’s eve, she wanted me to come to a party but I already had something planned with my friends so I passed. She invited this guy.

 

You've been dating this woman for three months and you make plans with your friends, and not her, on New Years Eve??? Damn, dude. Way to make sure she feels appreciated and desired by you. Not. 

I'm pretty sure you came away lucky with only this to worry about. 

[gringoloco]

12 hours ago, Mrin said:

You've been dating this woman for three months and you make plans with your friends, and not her, on New Years Eve??? Damn, dude. Way to make sure she feels appreciated and desired by you. Not. 

I'm pretty sure you came away lucky with only this to worry about. 

Yeah i reckon that was stupid. The main reason though is that most of her friends are much younger than me (i m 29 and she is 22) and some of them I really don’t have much in common with and litterally don’t know what I would be talking about. She has friends as young as 18! Instead I would have been happy spending the night just with her, but she had had this thing planned for a very long time.

I ve been used to play games, and make the women chase in a relationship, because everytime i exposed myself too quickly I ended up getting disappointed. Somehow women like men who they can’t put their hands on easily. 

I spent the night with her yersteday at my initiative (for the first time probably), and she seemed really into me again, couldn’t stop kissing and hugging me, holdings hands, etc.... I didn’t talk about the guy. Instead I made sure she understood that I wasn’t going to put up with her flirting around. Even said that I could understand why her ex had been upset a few times, and that if it was me I’d simply had been out of the relationship. But I did not mention her inviting the guy at that party. I didn’t talk about exclusivity either. I don’t know if i need to put words on it. I know she took down her dating profile a few weeks ago, which is a good sign i guess.

Also I resisted the urge to look at her phone again.

[smackie9]

5 hours ago, elpandillero said:

Yeah i reckon that was stupid. The main reason though is that most of her friends are much younger than me (i m 29 and she is 22) and some of them I really don’t have much in common with and litterally don’t know what I would be talking about. She has friends as young as 18! Instead I would have been happy spending the night just with her, but she had had this thing planned for a very long time.

 

This is the reason you shouldn't be dating her. Her much younger friends are a part of her, her personality, which means you don't fit in her life proper. All this relationship is being based on is sexual energy/attraction. There is no substance or compatibility.

[gringoloco]

25 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This is the reason you shouldn't be dating her. Her much younger friends are a part of her, her personality, which means you don't fit in her life proper. All this relationship is being based on is sexual energy/attraction. There is no substance or compatibility.

It’s not so much about physical attraction. She is nice but usually I date hotter girls. My ex was certainly more beautiful.

But I’ve known this girl at a particular time in her life, just at the time she was losing her father from cancer. I ve been with her through this hardship, and I was probably the first person she contacted when he died. It started to create a special mental connection.

I also like a lot how generous and kind she is. It’s something rare. She is also a bit dangerous/edgy which makes her more attractive than my ex who was rather boring. Obviously our sexual compatibility is very high, and it’s probably a big part of the attraction.

I m starting to get very attached, especially since i ve realized i could lose her if don’t give her enough attention, which i hate because it makes me vulnerable. I ve been through hell when i broke up with my ex a year ago. Litteraly was so bad i couldn’t work properly anymore.

I m really afraid to open myself only to be disappointed and live something like that again.