Girl I have been dating for 3 months is friend with an former « sex-friend »

[smackie9]

Again, not enough to build something that will be substantial for the long haul. But hey, just live in the moment til it lasts.

[gringoloco]

Okay so I did something stupid last night I guess.

She invited me to go at a party with her at one of her friends’place. We all got pretty drunk. At some point towards the end some pretty good looking dude was flirting/joking around with her, and she seemed to like it because she was joking around too. I didn’t say anything on the spot but it totally killed the mood for me.

When we came back home we were about to have sex, but I was quite disturbed so I paused  and I asked her if she was doing this with any guy around when she was drunk (she and her friends had told me all kind of stories so I said it was the reason why I was asking). She could tell something was bugging me, I can’t hide those things with my obvious facial expressions. She told me that in the 3 months we had been dating she hadn’t seen anyone else and that she was really into me. She even remembered the day we started dating (I didn’t). 

We talked for a good 2 hours, confirming that the relationship was exclusive, so now we’re « officially » together. She said she was too scared to bring it up first because she didn’t want to frighten me.

I don’t know if I played well or if I made myself weak. by bringing it up first. 

I know that it’s the jealousy that pushed me to do all this, otherwise I would probably not have been that into her, and idk if that’s really healthy....

[elaine567]

Its not really that women do not like men to show their vulnerable side.
It is that when they do, she has then got to make a decision as to whether she feels the same.
If she doesn't then it all tends to go downhill, if she does then the relationship will get stronger.
They didn't blow you off because you were "weak", they blew you of because they were not into you  enough to keep it going.

Here she is into you atm, it is all good, but out of control jealousy can be a huge turn off, so rein it in.
 

39 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I know that it’s the jealousy that pushed me to do all this, otherwise I would probably not have been that into her, and idk if that’s really healthy....

It's not.
You could waste a lot of time here, "guarding" her from the attention of other guys.
Because she is only 22 she will probably leave you anyway sooner or later...

[gringoloco]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Its not really that women do not like men to show their vulnerable side.
It is that when they do, she has then got to make a decision as to whether she feels the same.
If she doesn't then it all tends to go downhill, if she does then the relationship will get stronger.
They didn't blow you off because you were "weak", they blew you of because they were not into you  enough to keep it going.

Here she is into you atm, it is all good, but out of control jealousy can be a huge turn off, so rein it in.
 

It's not.
You could waste a lot of time here, "guarding" her from the attention of other guys.
Because she is only 22 she will probably leave you anyway sooner or later...

I am not used to that, because with my ex I pretty much had the power in the relationship.

And with this girl I also had the power at the beginning as she was texting me multiple times a day, asking to meet etc...and i was barely responding.

I don’t know why I let myself be so vulnerable in the space of 1 week. That was so stupid. I had it all under control. 

I don’t know if it is my dumb ego, or if it is because I am really starting to fall in love with her

[d0nnivain]

Dating is a tryout.  Relationships require trust.  You don't like her past & you are judging her for it, more then you want to admit.  It's OK but acknowledge at least to yourself that you feel this way.   At 22 the world is her oyster & she's having fun.  You like her but you want something more serious & grounded.  She's not your girl.  She wants light & fun.  You are too scared of getting burned to be that guy because you love deeply when you let yourself go.  You snooped in her phone because you don't trust her & your worst fears were confirmed.  So now why do you want to force this issue?  It's just a matter of you two don't fit.  

I know you are concerned because you didn't find your 1st GF until you were 25.   OK fine but remember you have had dates, ONS, & this woman since.  You will find the right match faster then you think but you won't find that person while you are tied to this wrong person.  Time you spend trying to make this unworkable situation work is time you are not looking for a more compatible person.  

[gringoloco]

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Dating is a tryout.  Relationships require trust.  You don't like her past & you are judging her for it, more then you want to admit.  It's OK but acknowledge at least to yourself that you feel this way.   At 22 the world is her oyster & she's having fun.  You like her but you want something more serious & grounded.  She's not your girl.  She wants light & fun.  You are too scared of getting burned to be that guy because you love deeply when you let yourself go.  You snooped in her phone because you don't trust her & your worst fears were confirmed.  So now why do you want to force this issue?  It's just a matter of you two don't fit.  

I know you are concerned because you didn't find your 1st GF until you were 25.   OK fine but remember you have had dates, ONS, & this woman since.  You will find the right match faster then you think but you won't find that person while you are tied to this wrong person.  Time you spend trying to make this unworkable situation work is time you are not looking for a more compatible person.  

She has had 2 long term relationships of 4 years and was going to get married at 18, so I don’t think she justs want fun. She has told me many times how she wants to get married and have kids. But in between those relationships she certainly has been wild.

you are right when you say i don’t like her past, it is true. From what she told me yesterday I was the only one for the past 3 months then it’s up to me to believe it or not. When someone asked who i was at the party, she said i was her man, while it took me a bit longer to respond, because we had never really discussed it.

I don’t know how this will play out, so I try to keep my options open. Maybe I should start being more distant again.

 

[d0nnivain]

21 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

 Maybe I should start being more distant again.

Playing manipulative emotional games is not going to fix anything.  Employ this "strategy" at your own peril. 

This girl was flirting with another guy at the party because she's a flirty girl.  It's who she is.  You want to change that even though it's part of what attracted you to her in the 1st place.  

If wanted to be tied down she would have married at 18.  There was probably pressure for her to do so.  Now she's wild & free & enjoying herself.   She probably knows where the lines are drawn but she draws them differently then you do.  She won't cheat -- as in kiss or have sex with another man -- but she will be the life of the party & continue her contacts with various men.  I don't think you can deal with that, or at least you don't want to.  

She may want to eventually be married but not right now & even if she was married that would not curb her flirtations vivacious personality.  

[gringoloco]

I don’t want to get married myself anytime soon, or anything too complicated either. But I’m a bit « old-school », and if i m around with a girl she must control her behavior. Otherwise i find it disrespectful. Thing is it bothered me so much that I had to express my miscontentment pretty much straight away yesterday. Yet how do you talk about it without looking like a beta male who’s insecure?  

 

[smackie9]

I'm sure as time goes on, it's very possible she will kool it with the flirting and focus more on the relationship as things get more serious. Everyone needs their time to adjust having someone new in their life. I feel expectations can be fulfilled with a little patience, but also with good honest communication. Communication shows confidence, a lack of communication shows cowardice.

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, elpandillero said:

But I’m a bit « old-school », and if i m around with a girl she must control her behavior. Otherwise i find it disrespectful. Thing is it bothered me so much that I had to express my miscontentment pretty much straight away yesterday. Yet how do you talk about it without looking like a beta male who’s insecure?  

A little jealousy isn't a terrible thing if it's contained.  If you say to us what you said to her, gently, it should get her to cool it with the flirting to respect you.  I am a flirty person. My husband jokes that I could no more stop flirting then I could stop breathing but one of the reasons it doesn't bother him is that he knows he's Top Dog & I have very clear boundaries.  

So say something to her like "Can we talk about the other night?  I don't want to be that guy who tries to control how his lady acts but it hurt my feelings when you were talking to the other guy.  I know I should trust you to do the right thing & I do but maybe I'm more old school then I think.  Can we please work through this together?"   You have to give her the chance to want to change her behavior.  One of the things that used to make an EX of mine nutty was if I danced with another man without first asking him if he wanted to dance with me, kind of like a right of first refusal thing.  When he explained it that way, I always asked him 1st.  Sometimes he didn't want to dance so I went off & danced with some random guy & we had no further problems.  

By the way the only beta move is to quietly accept her intolerable behavior without speaking up.  If you say your piece & give her the chance & desire to choose you, that is alpha.  (to the extent that alpha v beta BS is valid)

[Poutrew]

I have a bit different perspective on this... First off, don't apologize for 'snooping' her phone, and don't let anyone here try to guilt you for what you did.  For myself, I would be totally unapologetic for using whatever measures I would need to apply to feel safe in a relationship. Even if those measures would be so technological that they would seem to come right out of a science fiction movie.  Second, why are you so afraid to bring this up to her - she essentially told everyone at the party that the guy was a former sex buddy. So what if you say something to her now? If she wanted to keep it a secret she should have kept that bit of trivia to herself.  All bets are off. So, don't bring up you snooped her phone. Just tell her that as far as you are concerned, it is totally unacceptable to you , and if she feels differently, she needs to find another guy that is OK with her  partying with a former fu#k buddy - and it isn't you. Just like I'm sure she wouldn't be fine with you keeping a former GF in your life.  Let the chips fall where they may. If she cares one whit about you, she will ameliorate her behavior. If not, hold the door open and pat the on the fanny as she leaves. Then find a girl that has the same values as you  and be happy.

[JTSW]

8 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I don’t know how this will play out, so I try to keep my options open. Maybe I should start being more distant again.

 

Absolutely not. 

Being distant with a woman is only going to make things worse. 

She will think you are loosing interest and find someone else. 

I understand now that you like to have full control, but that is where you are going wrong. 

Relationships are not about 'control', it's an equal partnership. 

Wanting full control over someone is a form of abuse. 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 1/2/2020 at 11:59 AM, elpandillero said:

Hi everyone,

So I’ve been dating this girl for 3 months.

I have always been a bit on the defensive because I learnt not to get too attached from my past relationship which ended very badly (lasted 3 years, was my first real love). I make a point not to spend too much time with her because and to make sure I spend time on my own with my friends because I don’t want to reproduce the mistakes I made in the past (spent too much time with my ex, she had a depression issue and it was an unhealthy relationship), plus I have some hesitations...

This girl and I we have a pretty good vibe. She was not my « ideal » type of girl but she has lot of charm and somehow I m starting to get attached.

She’s been the one doing most of the chasing so far. Texting first most of the time. She planned a 2-day weekend for us which just ended, and honestly it was great. I felt at ease with her, like I did with my ex.

Now the issue I have is that she was a bit of a player in the past. She has been in long term relationships, but in between she had a lot of casual sex. Can’t blame her, I ve had my share of one-night stands myself. But somehow it makes me feel a bit akward thinking about how many guys she had...

During the weekend we just had, I must confess I had a chance to look at her phone while she was in the shower and I felt the urge to look. I saw that she was still texting this guy who had been her « sex-friend  » and who now seems to be a « friend ». She had mentioned him to me once or twice before as a « friend », but apparently her ex was upset about her seeing this guy too. For new year’s eve, she wanted me to come to a party but I already had something planned with my friends so I passed. She invited this guy.

Apparently he left before the end of the party, so maybe I m over analyzing, but knowing it really stresses me out. She presented the guy to her friends in a group messageas « a former sex friend who is now a friend ». In the texts she had with him there was nothing too alarming, but she asked him if he had been back home safely after the party and also asked if he was « mad at her » because « she could have been annoying due to the alcohol ».  

Honestly I don’t know what to think about that. Her friends know me and she told pretty much everyone around her that she was with me at the moment, so it’s something positive. We have amazing sex ( and a lot of it too), and I l know she likes me too because she always talks about doing things together in the future. Even her mum knows who i am. 

But really I tend to stress too much about this guy’s story. It hate feeling this way, because I m used to getting a lot of girls, and it makes me feel really weak to worry about these things. I tend to want her more because ofthat. 

I can’t really bring it up to her, I would hate looking like I’m jealous, but It also makes me feel the urge not to get tooattached for my own safety.

Any ideas?

The simple answer to this is a wholly sensible double standard:

Women can get sex whenever they want it, and in whichever direction they head.

So it doesn't matter too much that they still have males in their lives with whom they've had sex in the past.

Men, however, have almost zero interest in maintaining mere friendships  with women they wouldn't rather be banging.  (exceptions for coworkers, neighbors, family, church, etc.)

SO when the gender roles are reversed, a sensible woman should insist that their boyfriends/husbands cease interacting with the past sex partner.

Best move for you is to NOT bring it up, and find some confidence about your own relationship so that you're not wasting pointless time worrying about this other guy.

 

If she wants to bang the mailman, she's probably going to find the mailman willing...    but what will YOU gain for yourself by suddenly monitoring at what moment the mail arrives each day?

[gringoloco]

I think I’ ll play it cool for now. I know my worth and that I have plenty of dating options, so unless this type of behavior happens again I’ll relax and let the relationship develop.

I have a party with some of my friends on saturday. A lot of my female friends are attending, 2 of them I ve had sex with. I’ll tell her to come around, it’ll probably make her a bit jealous to see me chatting with hot girls so we’ll be even 🙂

[d0nnivain]

At tad manipulative but if you do manage to play it cool it might work.  

[JTSW]

58 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I know my worth and that I have plenty of dating options, so unless this type of behavior happens again I’ll relax and let the relationship develop.

I have a party with some of my friends on saturday. A lot of my female friends are attending, 2 of them I ve had sex with. I’ll tell her to come around, it’ll probably make her a bit jealous to see me chatting with hot girls so we’ll be even 🙂

Wow, I'm having a really hard time wondering what she sees in you. 

She hasn't even done anything wrong. 

She deserves so much better than this. 

Men who just try to make their girlfriends jealous are the ones who end up alone later in life wondering where they went wrong. 

Your whole attitude and behavior is where you're going wrong. 

Edited January 6, 2020 by JTSW

[gringoloco]

8 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Wow, I'm having a really hard time wondering what she sees in you. 

She hasn't even done anything wrong. 

She deserves so much better than this. 

Men who just try to make their girlfriends jealous are the ones who end up alone later in life wondering where they went wrong. 

Your whole attitude and behavior is where you're going wrong. 

In any case I need to see how she interacts around my friends and if she gets along with them so I don’t see the harm

[d0nnivain]

Just now, elpandillero said:

In any case I need to see how she interacts around my friends and if she gets along with them so I don’t see the harm

The harm is you plan to flirt with hot women you have had sex with in the past.  That is manipulative.  You claim they are "only friends" now but she won't see it that way.  Refer to SincereOnLineGuy's post.  You are playing some tit-for-tat / taste of her own medicine game here.  In essence you are s***-testing her.  

Spin it however you like, it's your life.  But this party isn't only about seeing how well she gets along with your best male buddies.  

[JTSW]

13 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

In any case I need to see how she interacts around my friends and if she gets along with them so I don’t see the harm

But that's not just all it is. 

You are going to flirt with hot women to make her jealous. 

That is absolutely not the way to go and will just end up losing her trust. 

You will destroy your relationship becsuse of stupid immature actions. 

[gringoloco]

I’m not planning to overplay anything, I won’t flirt obviously or do anything disrespectful. But she’ll just see that I have a few beautiful girls in my entourage and that’ll make her a bit jealous and that will be enough. Yes it’s a tad manipulative but it’s for the better good. 

I don’t get why you validate this type of behavior on her side but not on mine ???

[JTSW]

You want to hurt her just because she is friends with someone she use to sleep with. 

She hasn't cheated on you, she hasn't done anything bad. 

You just don't like not having the control. 

Don't flirt with anyone if you don't want to lose her. 

And why is it for the better? You won't achieve what you want it to achieve.

Trust me. 

[gringoloco]

8 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You want to hurt her just because she is friends with someone she use to sleep with. 

She hasn't cheated on you, she hasn't done anything bad. 

You just don't like not having the control. 

Don't flirt with anyone if you don't want to lose her. 

And why is it for the better? You won't achieve what you want it to achieve.

Trust me. 

it’s not so much about that guy because here I agree I’m just making assumptions, although it’s true I’m not a fan of the situation.

It’s more that I disliked how she behaved at the party the other day. I was invited there and didn’t know anyone, so she shouldn’t have been flirty with that guy towards the end. It was disrespectful. That will just give her a taste of how it feels.... then it will be easier for me to make a point

I’ ll do it and see how it goes, maybe you guys are right, I’ll only know after it’s done. As you say dating is a trial and error process....

[JTSW]

9 hours ago, elpandillero said:

it’s not so much about that guy because here I agree I’m just making assumptions, although it’s true I’m not a fan of the situation.

It’s more that I disliked how she behaved at the party the other day. I was invited there and didn’t know anyone, so she shouldn’t have been flirty with that guy towards the end. It was disrespectful. That will just give her a taste of how it feels.... then it will be easier for me to make a point

So you're willing to take the risk and lose her over your insecurity about this guy?

It's not even about her.

You are threatened by this guy because of their past. 

Can you not see how immature and ridiculous you are being?

You found flirting disrespectful so you are going to do the same thing.

It doesn't make sense.

Do you love her? Do you want to act stupid and loose her?

[ThorntonMelon]

I am assuming that if you're posting on here you're a thoughtful person who's just in a stuck place.

Your last many posts sound terrible. I realize they will probably send me some sort of warning for poor behavior, I'll take my chances. I'm not sure whats really going on behind your posts but the manipulation and game playing and underlying anger just sounds terrible. 

Whatever the underlying issues are I hope you can deal with them. I've dated with a chip on my shoulder. It doesn't go very well.

[kendahke]

On 1/5/2020 at 5:40 AM, elpandillero said:

am not used to that, because with my ex I pretty much had the power in the relationship.

And with this girl I also had the power at the beginning

so your issue is that you don't wield enough power to make you feel secure...

You might want to stick to dating women more your age--young ones are more agile and can slip away faster than you can blink an eye.