Girl I have been dating for 3 months is friend with an former « sex-friend »

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I didn’t think any of this before, but the fact she invited this guy on new year’s eve + the way she behaved with this other guy at the party we went together really got me wondering what was going on.

She’s very nice to me, texts me all the time, tells me I value her, no one has ever valued her like that, that I’m the best she has ever had in bed blablabla....

But at the same time, at that party we went to, after everyone got drunk towards the end, she was giving into this other guy’s bulls***. He was complimenting her like « you’re really the queen of this party! » Then he started saying he could dance on Shakira.. and she was like « oh yeah I want to see that! ». I went to the restroom and when I came back there were laughing in the kitchen and she was trying to get him to dance on Shakira. Then they started saying they should make another party with their friend in common. She said she was going to bring Vodka, and he shoud bring Tequila. I was really shocked honestly.

I just didn’t know what to say on the spot. I’m still thinking about this now. It was 2 weeks ago, and now i feel like it’s too late to bring the issue up to her, I should have said something on the spot

Really?

Dude, you are waaaay overthinking things.

This is all party banter. It's meaningless and just a laugh.

You really need to get a grip. 

Do you want to keep this girl? If so then stop with all these silly insecure excuses.

She is doing nothing wrong and she values what she has with you.

It's time to let all this stuff go.

[gringoloco]

7 hours ago, JTSW said:

Really?

Dude, you are waaaay overthinking things.

This is all party banter. It's meaningless and just a laugh.

You really need to get a grip. 

Do you want to keep this girl? If so then stop with all these silly insecure excuses.

She is doing nothing wrong and she values what she has with you.

It's time to let all this stuff go.

I find that you’re very permissive....

If I leave her at a party alone and she gets drunk, I absolutely don’t know if she will have the self control to not do something stupid. She got used to doing that in the past year when she was single. As long as I fear that, then I won’t be able to see myself with her long-term. Her lack of self-confidence is not helping because she will be looking for validation, so any guy around showing interest could be a threat.

That’s where I am today. Does that make me insecure? if you say so, but I ve never felt like that with my ex...

Edited January 20, 2020 by elpandillero

[d0nnivain]

Then why are you dating her? You think she lacks confidence & self control.  You think she's promiscuous.  You don't think she's mature enough to make her own decisions.  You think she's so shallow that any guy who pays any attention to her will have her falling at his feet.  All in all you seem to think she's worthless & then you get annoyed that she's not swooning at your feet, hanging on to every word like you are the Second Coming & enabling you to rescue her from herself. 

Either trust that she makes good decisions or leave her alone but stop trying to control her.  

She does not want to play Eliza Doolitle to your Prof. Higgins.  Go find a different woman who wants to be your lump of moldable clay.  

Edited January 20, 2020 by d0nnivain

[gringoloco]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Then why are you dating her? You think she lacks confidence & self control.  You think she's promiscuous.  You don't think she's mature enough to make her own decisions.  You think she's so shallow that any guy who pays any attention to her will have her falling at his feet.  All in all you seem to think she's worthless & then you get annoyed that she's not swooning at your feet, hanging on to every word like you are the Second Coming & enabling you to rescue her from herself. 

Either trust that she makes good decisions or leave her alone but stop trying to control her.  

She does not want to play Eliza Doolitle to your Prof. Higgins.  Go find a different woman who wants to be your lump of moldable clay.  

You don’t get it. I don’t think all that. She plainly told it to me when we first started seeing each other. She told me stuff like : « when i drink it makes me horny ». So yes it left a mark in my brain, and it makes it less easy to believe that she can be faithful now that we are officialy together. I chose not to care at the time because we were casually seeing each other. Then when I find out she invited this guy at the party, and the way she behaves when she’s drunk, it made me think about it even more

I date her because I like other qualities she have.

I just wish there was a way she could reassure me on that, but it’s tough.

Edited January 20, 2020 by elpandillero

[JTSW]

You need to sit down with her and talk to her about all this. 

We can't give you the answers you need. 

Only she can. 

Why haven't you talked to her yet?  Why have you spent so much time fretting over something that is just in your head. 

[d0nnivain]

elpandillero 

I'm telling you the impression I get.  You are not happy with her independence & prefer to date sycophants.   

If your GF is loyal, she will be loyal while drunk.  If she's a cheater, she will cheat while sober.  

At some point this becomes a choice on your part:  you trust her or you don't.  She can say whatever you need to hear, but I don't think it will help you because you do not fundamentally like the flirty part of her & you want her to think you are the only man on the planet.  That is not who she is.  That is not who you feel for.  Stop trying to change her & start believing her or break up with her.  

[gringoloco]

32 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

elpandillero 

I'm telling you the impression I get.  You are not happy with her independence & prefer to date sycophants.   

If your GF is loyal, she will be loyal while drunk.  If she's a cheater, she will cheat while sober.  

At some point this becomes a choice on your part:  you trust her or you don't.  She can say whatever you need to hear, but I don't think it will help you because you do not fundamentally like the flirty part of her & you want her to think you are the only man on the planet.  That is not who she is.  That is not who you feel for.  Stop trying to change her & start believing her or break up with her.  

I get what you say. The problem is that it would have been better if she had not told me all this stuff at the beginning of our relationship. It planted the image of her as a promiscious and easy girl in my head. It is tough to get rid of that image, despite the fact that I have feelings for her.

I talked to her about it once but I was quite drunk and her too. That’s when I made it clear I wanted us to be exclusive (after that party where I disliked her behavior with that « shakira » guy...) She tried to reassure me but still I find it hard to believe that she could change her behavior so radically because she is now dating someone. She told me she was faithful when she was with her ex for 4 years too. She asked me why I had waited so long to talk to her about it, as it was making me feel anxious.

I don’t want t sound like an ass or insecure that’s why I don’t want to bring this topic up multiple times, but maybe I need to tell her those doubts I have in a more serious way, like during a dinner. At least, she will now why I can’t fully let go in this relationship, and I would have been 100% honest with her. 

Anyways I wanted to thank you all for trying to help me with this issue. It’s very nice of you all, and I’m thankful for the time you give me. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, elpandillero said:

She tried to reassure me but still I find it hard to believe that she could change her behavior so radically because she is now dating someone.

Then you shouldn't have made it official with her. 

I don't really get what you expect to happen from re-hashing all of this again with her, over dinner. What do you want her to do? What could she possibly say that would reassure you at this point?

It very much sounds like you're looking for ways to put her "on notice", so to speak, to make her worry about losing you and thus have her chasing you again. You seem to want very badly to bring this up again, and my guess is that it's because you're desperately looking for ways to soothe your ego - and planting a seed of doubt in her mind about your investment is your misguided way of trying to do so. 

It won't work.  Not in the long-run, anyway. 

[gringoloco]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then you shouldn't have made it official with her. 

I don't really get what you expect to happen from re-hashing all of this again with her, over dinner. What do you want her to do? What could she possibly say that would reassure you at this point?

It very much sounds like you're looking for ways to put her "on notice", so to speak, to make her worry about losing you and thus have her chasing you again. You seem to want very badly to bring this up again, and my guess is that it's because you're desperately looking for ways to soothe your ego - and planting a seed of doubt in her mind about your investment is your misguided way of trying to do so. 

It won't work.  Not in the long-run, anyway. 

I have to be honest I messed up. I messed up because I suddenly realized I wasn’t her « everything » and she could be interested in other guys. I had this false belief that I was like a « god » to her and that she would do anything for me because she was chasing me 24/7 and I was making things difficult. It’s like I could not even imagine she could think about someone else because in my mind she could never dream of dating someone like me. 

When I realized I had competition, I panicked and I made things official. Something I have never initiated before in my life. It all happened in the same week : I found out about this guy going to the party, then I was upset at the party we went to together because she got flirty, all that made me lose control and ask her to be exclusive. I don’t know if I would have done it that quickly otherwise.

I’m troubled because I just don’t know how to feel about this whole situation. On the one hand, It’s an opportunity for me to grow and stop being a narcissistic jackass with an inflated ego. Plus I love the time we spend together. On the other hand, I truly cannot say if I should trust her or not, hence why I want to bring it up again at dinner.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I truly cannot say if I should trust her or not, hence why I want to bring it up again at dinner.

And what do you want her to say or do in response to this?

[gringoloco]

12 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Anyone that tells you that you're jealous and controlling for not trusting a girl that goes out getting sloshed with a guy you used to bang is not someone's advice I would take seriously, were I you. Yes, you should trust your woman, but she should behave in such a way that inspires that trust, and your girl does not. Personally, I would just break things off with her, since I do not feel her actions line up with a woman that is long term relationship material. I mean, you know she likes to sleep around, she likes sex when she is sloshed, and she went out to get sloshed with a guy she used to have sex with. You have every right to be concerned here. 

Well this is pretty much what I ´ve been thinking so far.

Now that’s why I want to tell that to her and see how she reacts, at least before breaking up with her out of nowhere.

That would just be my honest thoughts. 

I’m friends with a few girls I used to sleep with. I know how it works, when alcohol gets in the mix things go south....

 

[gringoloco]

54 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what do you want her to say or do in response to this?

I expect an honest answer. I don’t think she is a bad person. It’s her generosity and gentleness that made me like her. I think she will be honest if I tell her things like they are and that I m questioning our relationship because of that.

Then based on the answer I will get, I’ll see If it’s worth continuing or not.

[d0nnivain]

She will be honest but no matter what she says you won't believe her. 

  That is the problem.  

[ExpatInItaly]

58 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I expect an honest answer.

And how exactly will you determine if she is being honest?

This reads much more like you are expecting one specific response, and if you don't hear it, you are going to decide she's being deceptive and read her the riot act. 

I have to admit, this also sounds a bit odd: "I think she will be honest if I tell her things like they are" - what do you mean by that?

Edited January 20, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[gringoloco]

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And how exactly will you determine if she is being honest?

This reads much more like you are expecting one specific response, and if you don't hear it, you are going to decide she's being deceptive and read her the riot act. 

I have to admit, this also sounds a bit odd: "I think she will be honest if I tell her things like they are" - what do you mean by that?

I mean that i will tell her that I have trouble processing all the things she told me about her past and how she used to sleep around when she was single and under alcohol influence ( She told me a lot of stuff trust me, no point going into details here...).

That I worry that she will not be able to reign in this kind of behavior in the future and that it is making me uncomfortable because it is stopping me from being able to fully be confident in our relationship. That I have thought about it multiple times and questioned wether I could handle it or not. That it want to be able to fully trust her if I leave her alone at a party and she gets wasted.

I don’t want to threaten of anything, nor mention the fwb she invited as I m not supposed to know about it, just share my honest feelings....

I want to hear her approach to it. Last time we talked about it  we were both wasted and about to have sex, so not really the best set up for that kind of talk

Edited January 20, 2020 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

Okay. So, she will probably respond with reassurances that you can trust her and she won't do anything inappropriate and the usual things people say when their character is called into question. 

Will that really be enough for you to put this to bed? 

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Okay. So, she will probably respond with reassurances that you can trust her and she won't do anything inappropriate and the usual things people say when their character is called into question. 

Will that really be enough for you to put this to bed? 

what else could I do (apart from breaking up)? Not even talk about it? She’s not the kind the person who is ashamed of her past so I don’t think she will lie

Will that reassure me? probably not 100%, but if she knows my concerns she will factor them in how she behaves if she really care about me

 

Edited January 21, 2020 by elpandillero

[JTSW]

elpandillero,

I get that her past behavior worries you. 

I do genuinely think you are worrying over nothing and that this girl values your relationship.

Yes, have a nice calm talk with her, voice your concerns.

She's going to know that you snooped in her phone when you tell her you know this guy was a fwb.

So be prepared that might lose her during this talk.

[elaine567]

14 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I have to be honest I messed up. I messed up because I suddenly realized I wasn’t her « everything » and she could be interested in other guys. I had this false belief that I was like a « god » to her and that she would do anything for me because she was chasing me 24/7 and I was making things difficult. It’s like I could not even imagine she could think about someone else because in my mind she could never dream of dating someone like me. 

And if you have the "talk" you will mess up again, as the purpose of the "talk" is to shame her into behaving the way you want her to behave.
Unless she agrees to stay at home, never drink, never party, never speak to other men ever again, then you are always going to be worried.
She won't agree to do that and even if she did, my guess she would just do it all behind your back as NO-ONE adult likes being told what to do.
The "talk" won't endear her to you, the "talk" will alienate her and push her away.
 

[gringoloco]

48 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

And if you have the "talk" you will mess up again, as the purpose of the "talk" is to shame her into behaving the way you want her to behave.
Unless she agrees to stay at home, never drink, never party, never speak to other men ever again, then you are always going to be worried.
She won't agree to do that and even if she did, my guess she would just do it all behind your back as NO-ONE adult likes being told what to do.
The "talk" won't endear her to you, the "talk" will alienate her and push her away.
 

That’s exaggerating, I wasn’t like that at all with my former partner, actually I wanted her to go out and have fun because I trusted her 200%. But she didn’t have the same past and was less expansive on her previous experiences.

I know there s a part of the issue that comes from me, but honestly you can’t tell me that I don’t have reasons to be worried. The fact that she wasn’t able to cut contact with that guy while we were seeing each other - and on top of it invited him! - proves it. I’m trying to find a way to tell myself it’s not such a big deal, but I feel like I’m lying to myself. It is indeed a big deal.

Now I’m just trying to figure out if there’s a way to ease my mind by talking to her, or if it is already beyond repair.

By the way if we do talk, I obviously won’t mention the fwb guy (otherwise she will know I snooped), but just the concerns I have regarding her past habits and how it could affect us

 

 

Edited January 21, 2020 by elpandillero

[JTSW]

11 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I know there s a part of the issue that comes from me, but honestly you can’t tell me that I don’t have reasons to be worried. The fact that she wasn’t able to cut contact with that guy while we were seeing each other - and on top of it invited him! - proves it.

Have you ever been friends with someone you slept with?

They are clearly just friends now, the texts between them prove that.

Nothing she has done while in a relationship with you proves nothing.

Is she not allowed to have him as a friend?

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

Have you ever been friends with someone you slept with?

They are clearly just friends now, the texts between them prove that.

Nothing she has done while in a relationship with you proves nothing.

Is she not allowed to have him as a friend?

I just want to have a talk to let her know that the behavior she had at the party the other day made me feel uncomfortable. Just so that things are clear, anyways this will be an issue going forward if she doesn’t know my point of view now. I will end up resenting her if she does it again. I’ll tell her that I know she didn’t mean bad but that I found it irritating. Also I’ll tell her I don’t expect her to stop talking to men overall but just to be more aware of what she does and how I can perceive it.

As for the fwb,  I’ll bring the topic to the table by saying a former girl I was seeing contacted me but I told her we couldn’t see each other since I am in a relationship now. Then it’ll open the discussion and I’ll let her know I’d rather her not see fwb in situations where either alcohol is involved or she is alone.

That’s the plan, I’ll see what she says, we have dinner tonight

[JTSW]

Just now, elpandillero said:

I just want to have a talk to let her know that the behavior she had at the party the other day made me feel uncomfortable. Just so that things are clear, anyways this will be an issue going forward if she doesn’t know my point of view now. I will end up resenting her if she does it again. I’ll tell her that I know she didn’t mean bad but that I found it irritating. Also I’ll tell her I don’t expect her to stop talking to men overall but just to be more aware of what she does and how I can perceive it.

As for the fwb,  I’ll bring the topic to the table by saying a former girl I was seeing contacted me but I told her we couldn’t see each other since I am in a relationship now. Then it’ll open the discussion and I’ll let her know I’d rather her not see fwb in situations where either alcohol is involved or she is alone.

That’s the plan, I’ll see what she says, we have dinner tonight

She'll see right through that lie.

It wont have the desired response that you want.

She will see straight out that you don't trust her.

Women don't like to be told what to do or how to behave, especially when they haven't done anything wrong.

Oh well, good luck and let us know how it goes.

[JS84]

This seems like a lot of drama and emotion for a 3 month relationship...

[gringoloco]

Well I just didn't manage to bring it up. I'm just too weak I guess. Story of my life, always been too afraid of difficult conversations or conflicts.

The dinner was great and the evening too, she seemed completley in love and I just wanted to enjoy it and not bring negativity to the table. I am just realizing that I have real feelings for her, her kindness really hits a spot and I can't help but lowering my guard when we are together. I don't know when I'll have the guts to say something about it