Girl I have been dating for 3 months is friend with an former « sex-friend »

[JTSW]

Or maybe you could just learn to trust her.

[elaine567]

58 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

The dinner was great and the evening too, she seemed completley in love and I just wanted to enjoy it and not bring negativity to the table.

Hallelujah!

Unhappy women start looking elsewhere.
Had you done the "shame and blame" lecture, she would be weighing up her other options today...
...as it is, she had a good time, you had a good time and that is what dating is supposed to be all about..

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Hallelujah!

Unhappy women start looking elsewhere.
Had you done the "shame and blame" lecture, she would be weighing up her other options today...
...as it is, she had a good time, you had a good time and that is what dating is supposed to be all about..

Okay so basically the woman is allowed to do everything in the relationship and I should be nice to her whatever happens and just be a good boy ? 😂😂

I do have a lot of options myself too, it's not just about her! It should be a partnership with mutual respect

[d0nnivain]

On 1/20/2020 at 5:09 PM, elpandillero said:

 she told me about her past and how she used to sleep around when she was single and under alcohol influence 

Please re-read the highlighted portion above.   Try believing that she behaves differently when single then when she's in a relationship.  When I was single, especially in my 20s I was a party girl.  But I was also a serial monogamist; granted few of my "relationships" lasted more then a few months because I bolted the minute the guy got serious.  I liked the thrill of the chase.  However, when I did decide to settle down & get serious about someone, I was faithful.   I suspect your GF sees life like that, the way I did, but you can't get past how she behaves when single. 

 

On 1/21/2020 at 2:19 AM, elpandillero said:

Will that reassure me? probably not 100%, but if she knows my concerns she will factor them in how she behaves if she really care about me

True a little bit but you have to recognize that you are asking her to stifle part of her flirty personality.  That isn't easy to just change.  My husband jokes that I could no more stop flirting then I could stop breathing.  However a harmless flirt is a far cry from cheating.  

Years ago I was dating this guy who finally told me it made him crazy when I would go dance with any man who asked me, without asking his permission.  I took great umbrage at the word permission but we kept talking about it & he sort of wanted the right of 1st refusal if you will.  He promised not to unreasonably withhold permission if I promised to ask, so I accommodated him & started asking.  Problem solved because most of the time he had no problem with me dancing; he just needed the boundary to be defined for the other man. 

So yes, I think she may factor some of your insecurities into her behavior but you are also going to have to check your ego.  You probably will never be her *everything*.  As long as you are her most important thing & she doesn't cheat, you need to find a way to be OK. 

[elaine567]

6 hours ago, elpandillero said:

Okay so basically the woman is allowed to do everything in the relationship and I should be nice to her whatever happens and just be a good boy ?

You are not really allowed to stifle who a person is in a relationship or to lecture them to make them behave as you would want them to  behave, as they won't like it and  they will all likely bail on you sooner or later.
Women tend to have good memories for that sort of a thing and may wait weeks, months or even years later to walk out the door.
You cannot change any one who doesn't want to change.
Do you like being told what to do? I guess not, so why would anyone else like that?

BUT the good news is that you are perfectly entitled to walk away if their behaviour does not come up to scratch.

Edited January 22, 2020 by elaine567

[basil67]

6 hours ago, elpandillero said:

Okay so basically the woman is allowed to do everything in the relationship and I should be nice to her whatever happens and just be a good boy ? 😂😂

I do have a lot of options myself too, it's not just about her! It should be a partnership with mutual respect

Either partner should be able to choose their own behaviour.  If the partner's behaviour is not to one's liking, then they have the choice to leave.

[d0nnivain]

32 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Either partner should be able to choose their own behaviour.  If the partner's behaviour is not to one's liking, then they have the choice to leave.

Leaving is always an option.  Trying to blackmail somebody into behaving a certain way upon threat of a break up is something else altogether. 

[basil67]

Yes.   "It appears we want different things in a relationship.  It's time I moved on"

[gringoloco]

11 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You are not really allowed to stifle who a person is in a relationship or to lecture them to make them behave as you would want them to  behave, as they won't like it and  they will all likely bail on you sooner or later.
Women tend to have good memories for that sort of a thing and may wait weeks, months or even years later to walk out the door.
You cannot change any one who doesn't want to change.
Do you like being told what to do? I guess not, so why would anyone else like that?

BUT the good news is that you are perfectly entitled to walk away if their behaviour does not come up to scratch.

So any issue in a relationship should lead you to leave if you’re unhappy.

That’s pretty barbaric

I think if you love someone you should listen to what they have to say and at least acknowledge their point of view. THEN if both point of views are too far apart maybe it’s better to part ways. But I think you should always make an effort.

 

[JTSW]

Just now, elpandillero said:

I think if you love someone you should listen to what they have to say and at least acknowledge their point of view. THEN if both point of views are too far apart maybe it’s better to part ways. But I think you should always make an effort.

Then you should make an effort to trust her.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, JTSW said:

Then you should make an effort to trust her.

Bingo. That effort needs to go both ways. 

And OP, if you feel you can't trust her, you walk. Don't relentlessly beat your head against the wall hoping she turns into someone else. Don't continuously lower yourself by being That Guy, the one who turns to snooping when he feels anxious and insecure. When you feel compelled to do so, you are either the one with the problem or you are genuinely with the wrong type of gal - or a little of both. 

 

 

[gringoloco]

19 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

Trust only goes so far. He should trust his girl until he finds out she likes to go out drinking with her old F-buddy just because her boyfriend ain't around. Trust but do not be stupid. 

I ‘m pretty sure nothing happened between them from the texts I read, and we hadn’t decided to be exculsive at the time, but it’s hard to swallow not gonna lie.....

Edited January 23, 2020 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Trust only goes so far. He should trust his girl until he finds out she likes to go out drinking with her old F-buddy just because her boyfriend ain't around. Trust but do not be stupid. 

Then that is his cue to leave and find a different woman to date. 

[gringoloco]

46 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then that is his cue to leave and find a different woman to date. 

Wish it was that easy but feelings get in the way. It would have been easier had i found something had happened between them but it doesn’t seem to be the case.

That’s why I wish there was a way to bring it up to her. This way she gets a chance to explain herself before i make a decision without knowing the whole picture...

Edited January 24, 2020 by elpandillero

[JTSW]

So what's your plan OP?

Are you going to actually talk to her to iron all this out?

Or are you just going to continue to worry yourself sick over nothing?

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

So what's your plan OP?

Are you going to actually talk to her to iron all this out?

Or are you just going to continue to worry yourself sick over nothing?

What do I say? hey by the way what's you history with this guy you brought on NYE? how come your other friends didn't know him ? Did you guys f***? Yes btw I know all that because I snooped into your phone...

I just can't find the approach

Edited January 24, 2020 by elpandillero

[JTSW]

Just now, elpandillero said:

What do I say?

Just tell her someone mentioned her history with this guy and that you would like to discuss your worries about it.

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

Don't mention that you snooped into her phone. Never show all of your cards like that. Just ask her if she has any kind of history with the guy. There is a pretty good chance that she will lie and say she has no history with him. Then you can add liar to her list of faults. If she admits that she has a sexual history with him, at least she is being honest, even if you had to corner her for the info.

Personally, I think that your girl, despite her many good qualities, has a serious issue with boundaries and this issue will continue for the life of your relationship with her. I think getting too involved with her will eventually become a mistake, and this is your opportunity to get away before you invest too much time into her. After all, that is the point of dating, to establish whether or not you are on the same wavelength with a person. 

I think she will actually admit it if I bring it up. It’s just hard to bring up the topic of this guy since I’m not really supposed to know about him. She mentioned his name maybe 2 times over 4 months but obviously didn’t say they had a sexual history. It’s not someone she talks about much.

Whenever I bring the « faithfulness/past hookup history» topic it makes me look like the insecure guy for sure. Because I m the one looking jealous, anxious, and judgemental.

I totally agree with you on the boundaries issue. She is aware of it as she told me her ex was upset by some of her actions when she was too familiar with other guys (although she said she never ever cheated). She says she has a « different perception » of boundaries as she has always hanged out more with guys than with girls. At the same time,  when she was single, she told me she had often mixed friendship and sex and that it was a mistake. She has a promiscious past, at least when she was single, and since I’ve heard about it, I can’t help but see her differently.

It’s painful as I ve grown a bit fond of her, I love it when we’re together, and she shows a lot of affection. I don’t want to see the reality, and also so far I can’t prove she has done anything wrong. But deep down I know something is off. She has been honest since the beginning and didn’t lie about who she is. But I wonder if old habits can ever change.

I wish I could be honest with her on the doubts I have, as clearly as I m doing here.

 

 

Edited January 24, 2020 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

If you expect honesty from her, you need to be honest yourself. 

Man up and admit you looked through her phone. Practice what you preach. Let the cards fall where they may. Trying to create some roundabout lie about how you discovered her history with this guy is hypocritical and immature, and not at all what you claim to stand for. 

Put your money where your mouth is. If you can't handle that, as I suspect you probably can't, then you need to stop being deceptive and dishonest too. 

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If you expect honesty from her, you need to be honest yourself. 

Man up and admit you looked through her phone. Practice what you preach. Let the cards fall where they may. Trying to create some roundabout lie about how you discovered her history with this guy is hypocritical and immature, and not at all what you claim to stand for. 

Put your money where your mouth is. If you can't handle that, as I suspect you probably can't, then you need to stop being deceptive and dishonest too. 

I get it all, except how am I deceptive and dishonest?

[fromheart]

On 1/22/2020 at 4:36 PM, elpandillero said:

Okay so basically the woman is allowed to do everything in the relationship and I should be nice to her whatever happens and just be a good boy ? 😂😂

And that's what insecure women will try and make you into.  Then they'll hate you and abuse you for it.  Some of the women on this forum mean well, but they are still stuck in these patterns that ultimately make them miserable.

Learn to use the worn 'No.'  Don't put up with things you are clearly not happy about.  If you are not happy with your GF hanging around with her ex FWB, this is absolutely understandable.  That's the man she will be banging, should you and her break up.  He's right there, and ready to go.  And if you have arguments, that will be the shoulder she cries on.

How is anyone supposed to be comfortable with this?!  The women on her certainly wouldn't be, your not and I wouldn't be either.

I would dump her, or just keep her as a casual GF.  You can't emotionally invest in people like this, as they have no idea how to operate in a relationship.  Doing so is an uphill battle, as you are experiencing. 

[gringoloco]

2 hours ago, fromheart said:

And that's what insecure women will try and make you into.  Then they'll hate you and abuse you for it.  Some of the women on this forum mean well, but they are still stuck in these patterns that ultimately make them miserable.

Learn to use the worn 'No.'  Don't put up with things you are clearly not happy about.  If you are not happy with your GF hanging around with her ex FWB, this is absolutely understandable.  That's the man she will be banging, should you and her break up.  He's right there, and ready to go.  And if you have arguments, that will be the shoulder she cries on.

How is anyone supposed to be comfortable with this?!  The women on her certainly wouldn't be, your not and I wouldn't be either.

I would dump her, or just keep her as a casual GF.  You can't emotionally invest in people like this, as they have no idea how to operate in a relationship.  Doing so is an uphill battle, as you are experiencing. 

I m seeing her tonight. I know it won’t be an easy conversation but I’ll just tell her all about what I feel. I don’t think I’ll say I snooped though cause that’s really lame, but I’ll say she mentioned to me that this guy was at the party and that her ex didn’t like her seeing him, so I presume something was going on between them. I’ll say I m not comfortable with her keeping friends with benefits in her circle. I’ll tell her my views on boundaries with guys too.

This need to be said, otherwise I’ll be resentful and this relationship will never work. I’ll let you know how it goes, if she takes it the wrong way then anyways it won’t be a great loss

Edited January 25, 2020 by elpandillero

[fromheart]

1 minute ago, elpandillero said:

I m seeing her tonight. I know it won’t be an easy conversation but I’ll just tell her all about what I feel. I don’t think I’ll say I snooped though cause that’s really lame, but I’ll say she mentioned to me that this guy was at the party and that her ex didn’t like her seeing him, so I presume something was going on between them. I’ll say I m not comfortable with her keeping friends with benefits in her circle. I’ll tell her my views on boundaries with guys too.

This need to be said, otherwise I’ll be resentful and this will never work anyways. I’ll let you know how it goes, if she takes it the wrong way then anyways it won’t be a great loss

Don't talk about ex's, don't bring up her sexual history.  Of course, you have to bring up her FWB as he's part of the present picture.  Don't talk about not trusting her either.

It's a difficult one, because she's going to feel she has to change her behavior for you.  That will usually cause resentment and 'he's trying to control me.' 

By all means, let her know how her spending time with a previous sexual partner makes you feel.  If she can't understand that then you may be on different pages.

[gringoloco]

13 minutes ago, fromheart said:

Don't talk about ex's, don't bring up her sexual history.  Of course, you have to bring up her FWB as he's part of the present picture.  Don't talk about not trusting her either.

It's a difficult one, because she's going to feel she has to change her behavior for you.  That will usually cause resentment and 'he's trying to control me.' 

By all means, let her know how her spending time with a previous sexual partner makes you feel.  If she can't understand that then you may be on different pages.

Yes, I just hope she’s not going to understand that I went through her phone.

Here’s all she told me about that guy so far :

- Her ex didn’t like her seeing him. At the time she was saying to her ex that she was seeing him (ndlr as a friend) because their relationship was going south and she enjoyed spending time with him

- He went to New Year’s eve with them, left at 4 am (she left at lunch the next day)

Obviously from the texts that I read, she also told him that she now has a boyfriend so he is aware of that.

Last time we talked she said about FWBs : « I never see them alone, if that was to happen it would always be with a group of friends »

That’s pretty much all I know after 4 months. None of her friends has mentioned him to me too. That’s why I don’t know how to approach it. I could broadly talk about the FWBs topic, then ask if they are some of them she still see regularly and that would lead to us talking about that guy.

 

[elaine567]

22 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

He gets to hang out with this girl indefinitely, their relationship is far more secure than that of any BF she will get, and he still gets to bang the girl from time to time.

Yes he is more dangerous to a relationship than any normal ex. 
An ex may baulk at sleeping with her when she has a bf, a FWB may not care.