Girl I have been dating for 3 months is friend with an former « sex-friend »

[gringoloco]

32 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Yes he is more dangerous to a relationship than any normal ex. 
An ex may baulk at sleeping with her when she has a bf, a FWB may not care.

so you agree I pretty much need to tell her I m uncomfortable with her seeing him, and if she doesn’t propose by herself to stop talking to him, then I should just leave 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I get it all, except how am I deceptive and dishonest?

I'm a little surprised I need to clarify that for you, but here we are:

Did you have her permission to go into her phone and read her messages?

Are you planning on being honest about why you're so concerned about this specific guy?

Edited January 25, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[gringoloco]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm a little surprised I need to clarify that for you, but here we are:

Did you have her permission to go into her phone and read her messages?

Are you planning on being honest about why you're so concerned about this specific guy?

She told me her ex wasn’t happy about her seeing him. So why should I be happy with it, especially when she’s drunk?

If I don’t have this discussion with her, I’ll never get over it. I know it now. It’s make or break. If she can at least be honest about the fact something happened between them in the past, that’s a first step

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, elpandillero said:

She told me her ex wasn’t happy about her seeing him. So why should I be happy with it, especially when she’s drunk?

That wasn't the point I was making whatsoever, nor did I suggest you should be happy with it. 

[gringoloco]

Okay so yesterday I managed to talk about the topic. It just came naturally as we were talking about how we met, our expectations, past relationships, etc...

At some point I said that I wasn’t comfortable with people hanging out with their ex FWBs. She said she agreed, and that there was only one that she had kept as a friend and she mentioned this guy. So she did not deny anything and she brought it up naturally, without me having to dig. She said she had never been with him while with her ex, but that he helped her at some point, listening to her, blablaba  etc... so that she had kept him as a friend.

I said when alcohol gets in the mix these kind of friendships don’t work. She told me that if I wasn’t comfortable with it she would stop seeing him if I asked her to, because she valued me more than him. That’s what I wanted to hear. She said the last time she saw him was at NYE and that had he tried something inappropriate she would cut the friendship short. She said she was already too much in love with me at the time for her to try anything with this guy on NYE.

Looking in her eyes I couldn’t see any lies. I appreciate the honesty she had to open up like that. Now that she knows I m not comfortable with the situation, I hope she will cut contact with him by herself without me having to mention it again.

I’ll keep my eyes open, but that’s definitely a step forward

 

 

 

[JTSW]

Then be honest with her. Completely honest. 

[gringoloco]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Then be honest with her. Completely honest. 

regarding what?

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, elpandillero said:

regarding what?

Seriously? About all your worries. You said you wished you could be honest with her as you are on here. Then do it. 

[gringoloco]

17 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Seriously? About all your worries. You said you wished you could be honest with her as you are on here. Then do it. 

well that’s what I did yesterday

[gringoloco]

2 hours ago, enigma32 said:

I wouldn't tell her about you snooping into her phone, but that is your call. It is likely just going to cause problems. While I do not really like snooping, in your case, I think you had cause for concern. Also, while she seems to be honest with you so far, she did not offer this information when it mattered most, she just tells you after the fact. She admits she doesn't like former bang friends being in your life, but she was hanging out with hers, on NYE no less! Since she doesn't like it, why did she do it to you? And with a guy that has caused problems for her in the past.

Obviously you care about the girl but this is a huge red flag, IMO. I think you should definitely keep your eyes open for trouble. I do hope it works out for you though!

She didn’t say she didn’t like former FWBs being in my life. 

We were talking about keeping in touch with past encounters and that’s when she mentioned the guy. I said I wasn’t comfortable with keeping in touch with this kind of friends as it always ends bad, especially when alcohol is in the mix. That’s when she said that if it really bothered me she would stop seeing him. I didn’t order her to do so, but she got the message that I m uncomforable with it so she should do it by herself.

 

[JTSW]

And I bet you're not satisfied with that are you. 

[gringoloco]

13 minutes ago, JTSW said:

And I bet you're not satisfied with that are you. 

I don’t like the situation, especially that she invited him on NYE. Although I appreciate the honesty, and she says nothing happened, I still believe he tried something that night, and I m not forgetting. If it was the reverse I don’t think she would have liked it.

I ve made it known that I m not a fan of this « friendship », so if she continues seeing him I’ll just leave her, otherwise we’re good

[JTSW]

The relationship is never going to work if you don't trust her.

[gringoloco]

Hey, wanted to give an update

So I've layed it all out, in a much better way than I did last weekend. I basically said that we needed to talk about something and we should meet in a cafe to discuss it. I think she was anxious all day that I was gonna break up with her but that wasn' t my intention

I said litterally everything that I said on here. That I didn't like the fact that she brought that former sex friend on new year's eve at a time when we had been seeing each other for 3 months already, and that I would not be comfortable going forward with her seeing him. I also said I felt disrespected by the attitude she had at the party the other day, and how she was sometimes  over-reacting when someone was flirting with her. I said those were dealbreakers for me. Obviously I said all that in a nice conversational way and it went well.

She acknowledged everything and said that she would stop seeing that guy because she cared about me too much. She said she was sorry that I felt like that about the party and that going forward she was going to monitor her behavior. She said she didn't realize she sometimes had innapropriate behaviors but that she understood my boundaries and that it would never happen again. 

I feel better that I ve been able to express myself, because it was eating me from inside and I felt like crap not being able to frankly say it.

Now there's one last thing that bugs me and that I can't get out of my head. I'm just obsessed by her past sexual history. I've heard too much times from her or her bestfriend that she's had a "long list", the longest amongst her girl friends. I just don't get how a 22 years old ended up being so sexually loose. I know a lot of you on here will say that I am a dumb macho guy and that sexual freedom is for everyone, etc.... But really I have these images in my head. I wonder how many guys she slept with in the months before seeing me. She hasn't been single very long so I guess when she was she REALLY did meet a lot of guys. It's difficult not to judge her and since I ve heard all these stories, I can't help but see her differently. I would just like to understand why she acted like that.

She said she wanted me to know from her rather than other people, and not hide anything. She doesn't seem ashamed or to regret it at all. She even said she could tell me how many people she had been with but I just don't want to know, if I do it's going to mess with my brain.

I know she loves me, but it's just difficult. I don't know whether I should just live the moment and try to deepen our bound, or not get too attached and escape at some point. She genuinely is a good person, but I've never been in a situation like this one. Obviously it has some good aspects as the sex we have is amazing and we both have plenty of experience. I know very well that I would get bored with a girl who would have little or no sex experience

Since I have been hurt by my past relationships, I always look for red flags very cautiously. Now I get along very well with this girl, but this aspect of her past really has me wondering.....

 

Edited January 29, 2020 by elpandillero

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, elpandillero said:

Hey, wanted to give an update

So I've layed it all out, in a much better way than I did last weekend. I basically said that we needed to talk about something and we should meet in a cafe to discuss it. I think she was anxious all day that I was gonna break up with her but that wasn' t my intention

I said litterally everything that I said on here. That I didn't like the fact that she brought that former sex friend on new year's eve at a time when we had been seeing each other for 3 months already, and that I would not be comfortable going forward with her seeing him. I also said I felt disrespected by the attitude she had at the party the other day, and how she was sometimes  over-reacting when someone was flirting with her. I said those were dealbreakers for me. Obviously I said all that in a nice conversational way and it went well.

She acknowledged everything and said that she would stop seeing that guy because she cared about me too much. She said she was sorry that I felt like that about the party and that going forward she was going to monitor her behavior. She said she didn't realize she sometimes had innapropriate behaviors but that she understood my boundaries and that it would never happen again. 

I feel better that I ve been able to express myself, because it was eating me from inside and I felt like crap not being able to frankly say it.

Now there's one last thing that bugs me and that I can't get out of my head. I'm just obsessed by her past sexual history. I've heard too much times from her or her bestfriend that she's had a "long list", the longest amongst her girl friends. I just don't get how a 22 years old ended up being so sexually loose. I know a lot of you on here will say that I am a dumb macho guy and that sexual freedom is for everyone, etc.... But really I have these images in my head. I wonder how many guys she slept with in the months before seeing me. She hasn't been single very long so I guess when she was she REALLY did meet a lot of guys. It's difficult not to judge her and since I ve heard all these stories, I can't help but see her differently. I would just like to understand why she acted like that.

She said she wanted me to know from her rather than other people, and not hide anything. She doesn't seem ashamed or to regret it at all. She even said she could tell me how many people she had been with but I just don't want to know, if I do it's going to mess with my brain.

I know she loves me, but it's just difficult. I don't know whether I should just live the moment and try to deepen our bound, or not get too attached and escape at some point. She genuinely is a good person, but I've never been in a situation like this one. Obviously it has some good aspects as the sex we have is amazing and we both have plenty of experience. I know very well that I would get bored with a girl who would have little or no sex experience

Since I have been hurt by my past relationships, I always look for red flags very cautiously. Now I get along very well with this girl, but this aspect of her past really has me wondering.....

 

It doesn't matter how many people she slept with. 

It's the past. It's no longer relavant. 

Your relationship is the future.

She cares about you and loves you alot. 

That's all the matters. 

[gringoloco]

31 minutes ago, JTSW said:

It doesn't matter how many people she slept with. 

It's the past. It's no longer relavant. 

Your relationship is the future.

She cares about you and loves you alot. 

That's all the matters. 

The biggest lesson I ve learnt in my dating life is that you must make sure you know the ins and outs of someone’s past because it will affect the future at some point.

Example : my ex had been bipolar for years with major fear of abandonment issues. She told me only a year in that she had been depressed almost all her life. It contributed to destroy our relationship.

[JTSW]

Your gf doesn't have any emotional issues. 

She's devoted to you. 

The past is the past and it's not important. 

It almost seems like you are looking for reasons not to trust her. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see how this relationship is ever going to work. You're vastly different people whose values and lifestyles are evidently so conflicting that it's causing distress just 3 months in. 

Enjoy it while it lasts. It won't be your forever relationship. 

[gringoloco]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't see how this relationship is ever going to work. You're vastly different people whose values and lifestyles are evidently so conflicting that it's causing distress just 3 months in. 

Enjoy it while it lasts. It won't be your forever relationship. 

What kind of differences do you have in mind?

I’d say the biggest differences we have are :

- The age gap 

- The social status + education

Now i know you have the « sexual background » topic in mind, but I ve had my fair load of experiences so it’s not the countdown that is so different (although I don’t and don’t want to know her exact countdown...), it’s more that I didn’t expect my woman to either : 

- Be that open about who she s been with in the past

- Have that vision of sex

Edited January 29, 2020 by elpandillero

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, elpandillero said:

Now there's one last thing that bugs me and that I can't get out of my head. I'm just obsessed by her past sexual history. I've heard too much times from her or her bestfriend that she's had a "long list", the longest amongst her girl friends. I just don't get how a 22 years old ended up being so sexually loose. I know a lot of you on here will say that I am a dumb macho guy and that sexual freedom is for everyone, etc.... But really I have these images in my head. I wonder how many guys she slept with in the months before seeing me. She hasn't been single very long so I guess when she was she REALLY did meet a lot of guys. It's difficult not to judge her and since I ve heard all these stories, I can't help but see her differently. I would just like to understand why she acted like that.

These images are you projecting your fears and insecurity.  It's not what happened, it's all what you imagined happened.  If they are disturbing images it is because you make them so.  

Now I get you may be bothered by number of sexual partners, even if she is faithful to and open with those she sees; but don't hold her accountable for your imagination.

I will say people read a lot into the number of sexual partners a person has, an area rife for judgment and misjudgment.

You can ask her why.   Don't expect a positive response if phrased as "acted like that."  It implies the act was wrong.  If she had instead donated her free time to reading for the blind every afternoon, would you ask her why she acted like that?   I suspect she just has a very different approach to and view of sex.

[SumGuy]

10 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

Now i know you have the « sexual background » topic in mind, but I ve had my fair load of experiences so it’s not the countdown that is so different (although I don’t and don’t want to know her exact countdown...), it’s more that I didn’t expect my woman to either : 

- Be that open about who she s been with in the past

- Have that vision of sex

So it is fine if you have a past and history but hers needs to be less?  Perhaps you can't look at yourself in the mirror because of your history, if so then OK.  But if you have no problem with your past and consider yourself a good person; its the pot calling the kettle black.

She was open and that is bad?  Better she lie to you or be evasive or tell you to mind your own business?   I'm guessing you wouldn't like those options either. 

That vision of sex?  Is this your imagination again?

[JTSW]

32 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

Now i know you have the « sexual background » topic in mind, but I ve had my fair load of experiences so it’s not the countdown that is so different (although I don’t and don’t want to know her exact countdown...), it’s more that I didn’t expect my woman to either : 

So it's OK for you to have had many sexual partners but it's not OK for her? 

[gringoloco]

14 hours ago, JTSW said:

So it's OK for you to have had many sexual partners but it's not OK for her? 

I knew I was gonna get this kind of answer....

I ve been with 16 people at 29.  Some of them I ve been seeing for long periods of time. I would say that’s average. I m fearing her count is higher than that, at only 22. Sure she started much younger than me, but in between she s been in a 4-year long relationship and another one of at least 2 years. So what does that tell me?  

I learnt all that a month in. It was the opposite of the image I had of her. At the beginning I did not care because I liked the sex and wasn’t necessarily interested in more. Now I’m catching feelings despite my efforts not to, and I m disappointed by that aspect of her past. It sort of ruins all the rest for me despite her being honest.

My ex of 3 years was totally different and had had maybe 5/6 guys in her life at 26. She told me upfront she didn’t like hookups and wasn’t gonna settle with me if I wasn’t serious. At the same time I found the sex we had boring and I sometimes felt she was not enough « sexual » in the bedroom for me despite her trying. I ended up cheating on her once at some point (don’t blame me for it, it was complicated between us at that point...)

In this relationship, I’m trying to be brutally honest, something I wasn’t able to do in the past. But I don’t know if communication can solve all those questions I m asking myself or if there’s no  light at the end of the tunnel in which case I should end it because I m not feeling well. I know if I do i will feel bad for a while because I like her other personality traits. 

[JTSW]

24 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

Sure she started much younger than me, but in between she s been in a 4-year long relationship and another one of at least 2 years. So what does that tell me?  

It tells you that she couldn't have had as many people as you think considering she has been in 2 long term relationships. 

24 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

It sort of ruins all the rest for me despite her being honest.

Her being honest is a very good thing. She is open and not hiding things from you. I'd consider that a plus. 

25 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

I ended up cheating on her once at some point (don’t blame me for it, it was complicated between us at that point...)

There is no excuse for cheating in any relationship.

You are so much worse that your current girlfriend, yet she is sticking by you because she loves and trusts you.

She's not unnecessarily dwelling on your past because it's not important.

This all started about that other guy. That got rectified and now your not happy because she has had a few partners in the past.

Are you actually looking for reasons to end it?

[gringoloco]

22 minutes ago, JTSW said:

It tells you that she couldn't have had as many people as you think considering she has been in 2 long term relationships. 

Her being honest is a very good thing. She is open and not hiding things from you. I'd consider that a plus. 

There is no excuse for cheating in any relationship.

You are so much worse that your current girlfriend, yet she is sticking by you because she loves and trusts you.

She's not unnecessarily dwelling on your past because it's not important.

This all started about that other guy. That got rectified and now your not happy because she has had a few partners in the past.

Are you actually looking for reasons to end it?

I’ m not making it up. She told me that she wasn’t single for long but that she had had a lot of people, that she could not even remember some of them. She told me that when she got drunk she had multiple ONS. She even told me that once she slept with two different guys on the same day. 

She said herself that she didn’t think we would end up being together as we are now, and she thought I wast just going to be another FWB until she fell in love with me (quicker than I did)

Yes that’s honest, but damn that was the best way to mess with my brain. 

I don’t know if she exaggerates her number (what would be the point?? I really don’t get it), or if it really is that high, but I can’t help but feel disappointed

I didn’t share any details of my past adventures with her yet she did. I know somehow she wanted to see if I was going to stick around.

You said I m worse than her, maybe I was, but I have changed and the person I am now really knows what I want and is not going to ever mess around anymore. I ve done it all, and I don’t feel the need to do anything more. 

Edited January 30, 2020 by elpandillero