Girl I have been dating for 3 months is friend with an former « sex-friend »

[JTSW]

So her past bothers you, even if it wont affect your future together?

She's an open and honest person, but if its so much of a dealbreaker for you then end it.

Don't string her along anymore.

It's not fair to her.

[gringoloco]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

So her past bothers you, even if it wont affect your future together?

She's an open and honest person, but if its so much of a dealbreaker for you then end it.

Don't string her along anymore.

It's not fair to her.

That's what I need to figure out, and it is not easy. I think I need some time to think, maybe we should have less sex and spend more time talking together, to see it the connection is really here

[JTSW]

You shouldn't prolong it if you're not sure.

You'll break her heart.

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

You shouldn't prolong it if you're not sure.

You'll break her heart.

I don't want to hurt her, and I don't want to take a decision I would regret later because I am obsessive at the moment. Maybe I need a break from here and from constant thinking about all this thing. It's becoming very unhealthy in my head atm. 

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, elpandillero said:

What kind of differences do you have in mind?

Do you really not see it, with everything you have written in this thread?

[gringoloco]

I ended things. I felt too miserable everyday and it started impacting all aspects of my life, even my work where I would not be able to concentrate anymore. I couldn’t continue like this. I am heartbroken at the moment but thank you all for having contributed to this thread.

We had a discussion the other night where I was a bit drunk, but I ended up saying all I had on my mind. Similarly, as she wanted to clear the air, she said she has been with around than 30 people at barely 22. Some weeks when she was single she would see as many as 4. I know I shouldn’t judge her for that but deep down I know there is an issue and I could not see myself with her long term. First thing I did the next morning was get a STD check. 

I’ve had real feelings for her, but I can’t make myself miserable like that, and she deserves to be happy even though it will hurt her in the short term.

I don’t know if I should let this process and rethink, but I don’t see how I am ever going to think differently. It’s like I fell in love with a different idea of her. It’s her past, it comes from deep rooted insecurities and as she says she can’t change it, but it comes up too often either in life situations or through her friends, and I feel shameful for thinking this way, but I think this and the age difference/maturity gap would be a dealbreaker going forward

Edited February 2, 2020 by elpandillero

[ExpatInItaly]

Honestly, OP, I think you made the right choice - for you and her both. 

As I said before, I see two very different people who are not compatible for anything long-term. You have different lifestyles, values and mindsets, and it would not have worked out. 

[d0nnivain]

I agree that letting her go was the best thing.   You were too harsh in your judgments.  

Going forward I hope this girl learns not to be as forthcoming about her past / choices because men will judge her for it.  

[FMW]

11 hours ago, elpandillero said:

I ended things.

Thank God.  This thread was painful to read.  

You were clearly incompatible and will both be much happier with other people.  The next time you start looking down on a girl's behavior, end it right then.  No one, male or female, needs a partner that feels that way.  And no one needs to be jealous and suspicious all the time.  

It seems you started out this relationship not quite seeing her as up to your standards - so don't start any more relationships in that way.  

[gringoloco]

1 hour ago, enigma32 said:

I don't blame you, buddy. I would have done the same thing. People always say the past is the past, but the past is what made you who you are today. Past behavior is also the best predictor of future behavior. I would have walked away too. Live and learn! Next time, just find a girl that doesn't have such a colorful history, or at least keeps that crap to herself. 

It hurts really bad, but deep in my heart I know I made the right decision. I’m saving both of us time as we started getting too attached to each other and it would have been a disaster in a few months. She can’t see it as she is too blindsided and sees me as some sort of « savior » sent by her father on earth to protect her and turn her life around. After talking to a few friends, it is obvioulsy unhealthy.

I think I’m at a point in my life where I start looking for the mother of my children and I could not picture her as this person. 

[preraph]

Between the two of you, it's you who has the biggest problem that needs working on:  Your insecurity and double standard.  

[gringoloco]

14 minutes ago, preraph said:

Between the two of you, it's you who has the biggest problem that needs working on:  Your insecurity and double standard.  

If that’s what you think you really didn’t get it at all. I care for the girl, but there were too many red flags, and that behavior of getting in bed with 30+ men was recent as she had left her 4-YEAR boyfriend a few months ago. Yes she was single and had the right to do whatever she wanted, but to me it signals massive instability, and a strong affective disorder. She told me herself those boys gave her attention and she wanted to give something back to them. Not even talking about the STD risk. That’s twice my number, in the spawn of a 1 or 2 years vs a whole life. She used to bring those boys and ONS at her place ( where she brought me too), with her mom sleeping in the room next door. Again she is allowed to do that, but our values differ.

The fact that I was consistently in situations where her past was being brought up by her friends and that it seemed to be such a huge part of her life was also really problematic. Why do you see sleeping with 30 men as being something fundamental in your history? I ve slept with girls but I don’t consider it as a fundamental part of who I am. It’s more my work, my social life, my passions that define me. 

The reason why we had the talk yesterday? I meet her with her friends at a cafe where she usually hangs out. A car passes by and stop. All her friends start getting agitated, and she tries to look the other way. It was the friend of the cafe’s owner with who she had had a wild night as early as last summer. I start getting anxious and ask her friends who that is? they tell me it’s better for me not knowing, then they start showing videos of her getting drunk on that same night. Why the hell do you bring your boyfriend to a place where there is the risk of this happening? 

It’s just a sign of immaturity to me. She probably thinks she can stop it all and be all serious now, but deep down I know she can’t because the experiences she had between her last boyfriend and me have and will continue to impact her.

Anyways thanks for trying to shame me 

Edited February 2, 2020 by elpandillero

[assertives]

6 hours ago, elpandillero said:

If that’s what you think you really didn’t get it at all. I care for the girl, but there were too many red flags, and that behavior of getting in bed with 30+ men was recent as she had left her 4-YEAR boyfriend a few months ago. Yes she was single and had the right to do whatever she wanted, but to me it signals massive instability, and a strong affective disorder. She told me herself those boys gave her attention and she wanted to give something back to them. Not even talking about the STD risk. That’s twice my number, in the spawn of a 1 or 2 years vs a whole life. She used to bring those boys and ONS at her place ( where she brought me too), with her mom sleeping in the room next door. Again she is allowed to do that, but our values differ.

The fact that I was consistently in situations where her past was being brought up by her friends and that it seemed to be such a huge part of her life was also really problematic. Why do you see sleeping with 30 men as being something fundamental in your history? I ve slept with girls but I don’t consider it as a fundamental part of who I am. It’s more my work, my social life, my passions that define me. 

The reason why we had the talk yesterday? I meet her with her friends at a cafe where she usually hangs out. A car passes by and stop. All her friends start getting agitated, and she tries to look the other way. It was the friend of the cafe’s owner with who she had had a wild night as early as last summer. I start getting anxious and ask her friends who that is? they tell me it’s better for me not knowing, then they start showing videos of her getting drunk on that same night. Why the hell do you bring your boyfriend to a place where there is the risk of this happening? 

It’s just a sign of immaturity to me. She probably thinks she can stop it all and be all serious now, but deep down I know she can’t because the experiences she had between her last boyfriend and me have and will continue to impact her.

Anyways thanks for trying to shame me 

I mean, to be fair, if you wanted a girl who hasn't slept around that much and is not into casual sex as much or maybe even at all, chances are, she will also be concerned about your partner count and your past regarding causal sex. 16 is alot to people who are not into casual sex. 

You've said that's not who you are now, but then the same can probably also be said for this girl too. But for some reason, you believe that that is applicable to you, but is not applicable to her despite her not having done anything wrong since being in a relationship with you, and you've also not done anything to prove to her that that isn't who you are now too. Also, in another posts of yours, you've spoken alot about your ex cheating on you, but you've glossed over the fact that you did the same thing too.

Yeah, there's alot of double standard going on in this thread.

[gringoloco]

4 hours ago, assertives said:

I mean, to be fair, if you wanted a girl who hasn't slept around that much and is not into casual sex as much or maybe even at all, chances are, she will also be concerned about your partner count and your past regarding causal sex. 16 is alot to people who are not into casual sex. 

You've said that's not who you are now, but then the same can probably also be said for this girl too. But for some reason, you believe that that is applicable to you, but is not applicable to her despite her not having done anything wrong since being in a relationship with you, and you've also not done anything to prove to her that that isn't who you are now too. Also, in another posts of yours, you've spoken alot about your ex cheating on you, but you've glossed over the fact that you did the same thing too.

Yeah, there's alot of double standard going on in this thread.

So you can’t see the difference between being with 16 people over 9 years vs being with 30+ people within 2 years including having slept with 2 people on the same day + 4 people within a week well........There are years when I haven’t been with anyone and it wasn’t an issue.

We don’t have the same view regarding sex in the end. I didn’t do it because the girls I were with gave me « attention »

You said she hasn’t done anything wrong, well she felt the need to keep in touch with a guy she had had sex with just after leaving her ex despite us being together for 3 months at this point. In her texts on NYE she said he could « sleep with her » if there wasn’t enough space in the house where they were. Maybe it was harmless but how can that be reassuring for the future....The simple fact I had to snoop into her phone tells me my instincts went nuts.

I mean yes if you want there are double standards because I don’t want a woman with such a high count over such a short period of time. Had it been over 9 years I think would have accepted it . She has always said she had been with a lot of people, but I had never imagined it was that much and so quick. She cheated on one of her exes too if you want to know everything when she was drunk...

What can I say apart from the fact that I don’t see her as the future mother of my children. It’s not even just the sex count. It’s the instability I sens. One day we will have issues, I won’t giver her enough attention, and she will look for that attention elsewhere as she has done in the past. Now she has lost her father only 2 months ago so her judgement is clouded. She sees me as some sort of hero because I supported her through this hardship and I considered her better than the guys she d been with before. I didn’t mention all that to you but I did otherwise she wouldn’t have felt in love with me. But once she starts feeling better, old habits will resurface I just know it in my heart.

Edited February 3, 2020 by elpandillero