Deleting messages

[Johnson1]

My gf of 4 months told me a guy she had an on/off sexual thing with for 10 years hit her up for sex 2 weeks ago, right around the time she had her Brazilian wax done and was avoiding sex for days. She told me she hadn't seen him in a long time, but they went out a couple of times right before we met. She's VERY sexual (especially when she's drunk, she'll give herself up easily). She likes drunk sex. She said she hasn't had sex in 4 years before we met. She told me she deleted the message because she felt I would've been upset if I had saw what he said to her (telling her she has a sweet a** and God knows what else). She called him a perv. Does it make sense that she would meet up and not have sex with a guy she referred to as a 'play thing' right before we met? She told me she blocked him, but he texted her. You can't block a text message or stop them from calling if they have each other's numbers. I think she meant she deleted the message, but there's a difference between deleting a message and blocking. She's not tech saavy, but she should know the difference between just deleting a message and blocking. Was it right for her to delete the conversation then tell me? Right now I'm living at her place even though I have my own place because she says she likes having me there. I know her family well and she's very loving and cuddly, but there are many times where she's been distant and deep in thought. We're together ALWAYS when we're not working. She's a top executive who can come and go as she pleases, so if she wanted she could make time to meet with this guy if she wanted. I want so much to believe in what she says, but the way she acts sometimes and the things she says makes me wonder. One morning during lovemaking she said 'one day someone will learn your tricks'. She was still a little drunk and out of it when she said it, but still. That's an odd thing to say.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Maybe I'm not understanding something...     but I don't sense that she has done anything especially wrong, as it pertains to you.

 

It doesn't matter whether she banged an entire football team "before you met (her, for the first time ever)".

 

 

And a woman uttering  "one day someone will learn your tricks"  seems like a compliment and little more.

(I WILL admit that perhaps such a compliment is more free-flowing at or near the height of one's climax than it would be while taking the garbage out 3 days later)

(so maybe don't write your first book quite yet)

 

It would be nice to have every reason to believe that she'd not had sex in 4 years...  (for reasons entirely relating to her honesty/reputation), but whether it was 4 minutes before you met, or 4 years before you met, doesn't really matter in terms of her sexual past.  (though if you were really getting technical re: STD's...   someone could have acquired something 4 minutes before you met, and have it not show-up in any testing done in the early stages of your relationship)

 

Unless there is more you've omitted, I would just believe her until you no longer can...

[Cersei]

I don't understand what you are meaning about "Brazilian wax avoiding sex for days." Can you please clarify?

I have had sex a couple hours after a Brazilian. No need to wait that I know of. Or did I misunderstand your post.

[basil67]

Perhaps some of us have more tender skin than others Cersei.  When I've done it, my skin is so pink and sore and needs to be left alone while it recovers...so yeah,  I totally relate to avoiding sex when freshly waxed.  Part of the reason I don't bother anymore.   

[Cersei]

Waxing or sugaring?

Mine is sugaring, not waxing. I have never done the old school wax on that area. Try sugaring if you do it again. I have been told to avoid wax on that area. (Ooooops, I used the words sugar and wax interchangeably when they are quite different.)

Sorry to derail the thread OP.

[JTSW]

There appears to be a pattern here.

You have written many posts about women you have dated and found fault with.

You are seriously insecure and paranoid and you need to work on that.

You take meaningless things way out of context.

If she were doing anything with this guy behind your back then she wouldn't have told you about his text. 

If she were doing anything with anyone then she wouldn't be spending all her out of work time with you.

You have a great lack of faith in women.

You are overly paranoid.

Get some help.

[Johnson1]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

There appears to be a pattern here.

You have written many posts about women you have dated and found fault with.

You are seriously insecure and paranoid and you need to work on that.

You take meaningless things way out of context.

If she were doing anything with this guy behind your back then she wouldn't have told you about his text. 

If she were doing anything with anyone then she wouldn't be spending all her out of work time with you.

You have a great lack of faith in women.

You are overly paranoid.

Get some help.

You can rail on me, but you haven't experienced what I've experienced dealing with liars and cheaters. Take a good look at all the people that come on this site because they have suspicions about who they're seeing. It just gies to show how many untrustworthy people are out there. Trust works both ways. Ive had several women Id dated or been in relationships with who had trust issues. They even told me they including the one I'm in a relationship now. A few nights ago when she was drunk she told me she didn't trust me because she thinks I'm hiding a picture of us from certain people on FB because only a handful of my friends liked our pic. I've NEVER given anyone cause to distrust me. I've gone way out of my way to reassure, even go as far as telling some I've been with that I'd take a lie detector test to prove I've never cheated on any woman I've ever been with. All the others did the complete opposite. I've had women pull disappearing acts only to find out they were out with someone else, had one woman who had 3 sugar daddies she would take off with. Her family had me snowed that she was doing anything with them, but she was an insatiable sex maniac. She hid guys cell numbers under a woman's name in her phone. One time a guy she was having a sexusl thing with hit her up for her address in the middle of the night and she gave it to him. She was so horny she played with herself while she was driving while on the phone talking to her kids. She told me 'women can be devious'. I found out later there were others guys she was with behind my back. One of them told me. I don't know why this new one held onto a sexual thing with this guy for so long. For all I know he could be the downfall of the five, two year relationships she was in. I don't care about her past. I just have to believe that after 10 years of screwing this guy on and off that she's being real about giving him up for me. He must have quite a sexual hold on her after this long.

Edited January 3, 2020 by Vocals5

[kendahke]

31 minutes ago, Vocals5 said:

you haven't experienced what I've experienced dealing with liars and cheaters.

You are the common denominator in all those liars and cheaters you deal with.  Examine that.

Why are you attracting the same character in different bodies to you time and time again where now a pattern of behavior has set up?

Edited January 3, 2020 by kendahke

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Dude you need to get away from this chick, like after 4+ threads about her, you still don't seem to get it... Like sure, each thread individually, could be looked at as suspect in each case, but when you compile all this s*** together, it is pretty obvious she is screwing around... You had mentioned in another thread she had "Bumble" notifications on her phone, an online dating app, now deleted messages, before she had missing time and is in a situation where she is available to have unaccounted time every single day, like she has the opportunity to do what she wants, so why wouldn't she?

Again, you guys have only been dating for a couple months, why are you living together? Sounds like she was pretty enamored with you for a time, but has since lost that drive to be with you and has moved on... These fiery, passionate relationships are usually short lived, usually around the 4-5 month mark they really become a chore, going through the motions... Just move on man. 

Most people are creatures of habit... With this being said, in whatever way you met your girlfriend, is probably the way she will meet her next love interest... So if she is going out, doing the things that you guys did when you met, she is obviously trying to meet somebody new.

Edited January 4, 2020 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT
Addition and Correction

[Daisydooks]

On 1/3/2020 at 9:51 AM, Vocals5 said:

You can rail on me, but you haven't experienced what I've experienced dealing with liars and cheaters. Take a good look at all the people that come on this site because they have suspicions about who they're seeing. It just gies to show how many untrustworthy people are out there. Trust works both ways. Ive had several women Id dated or been in relationships with who had trust issues. They even told me they including the one I'm in a relationship now. A few nights ago when she was drunk she told me she didn't trust me because she thinks I'm hiding a picture of us from certain people on FB because only a handful of my friends liked our pic. I've NEVER given anyone cause to distrust me. I've gone way out of my way to reassure, even go as far as telling some I've been with that I'd take a lie detector test to prove I've never cheated on any woman I've ever been with. All the others did the complete opposite. I've had women pull disappearing acts only to find out they were out with someone else, had one woman who had 3 sugar daddies she would take off with. Her family had me snowed that she was doing anything with them, but she was an insatiable sex maniac. She hid guys cell numbers under a woman's name in her phone. One time a guy she was having a sexusl thing with hit her up for her address in the middle of the night and she gave it to him. She was so horny she played with herself while she was driving while on the phone talking to her kids. She told me 'women can be devious'. I found out later there were others guys she was with behind my back. One of them told me. I don't know why this new one held onto a sexual thing with this guy for so long. For all I know he could be the downfall of the five, two year relationships she was in. I don't care about her past. I just have to believe that after 10 years of screwing this guy on and off that she's being real about giving him up for me. He must have quite a sexual hold on her after this long.

It sounds like you're choosing women who are f***ed up, to be honest. Your moral compass and radar relating to women is off, my friend. If you have been through this, and more, with nearly all women you have dated, its definitely them, but most definitely you as well. 

Why do you find yourself dating only sleezeball, lying, cheating, insane women who keep putting you through hell? Why do you choose liars and cheaters? Your radar is OFF. What attracts you to this girlfriend of yours? What actually kept you coming back? Any redeeming qualities other than her love for sex? 

 I can't for one second get behind the "if you had gone through what I have" stuff. I have been there and chose men exactly like my alcoholic and insane father because that's what I grew up with. It wasnt until he got sober and we as a family got healthy and honest that I started to see where I was going wrong. I started challenging the belief that I didnt deserve better men/a better man for me. In my mind, I never deserved anything more, so I didnt go for more. I grew up with loud and crazy. That was my normal so it was a comfort to me (in some sick and twisted way) to seek out men who were just like my father. 

Stop picking bat s*** crazy partners for yourself. If you cant figure out who they are before dating them, stop dating for now and figure it out first.  Stop choosing to go through what you have gone through again and again and again. Stop dating entirely until you figure out why you cant choose a straight and normal woman to be with. If they seem normal at the beginning, but you notice things arent right and they exhibit the same odd behaviours others from your past have, end it. Dont come here and post about it. It's not worth the mental gymnastics. I promise. I say this with love and no judgement. I wish someone said these words to me sooner as I always felt it was them and not me. I had EVERYTHING to do with the men I kept choosing. They were all liars and cheaters and most struggled with addiction. Just like my dad. The reality was that I was not only choosing absolutely ridiculous men for myself, but also stood by and played victim in it as if I didnt have a choice in the matter. If you dont trust her, you probably never will so go back to your apartment and end it. You dont trust her. It wont change. So you dont have many options. If this is what keeps happening to you, look inward. Why are you choosing this exact woman over and over and over and over and over again??? I personally dont understand why she would tell you half truths other than to relieve herself of some guilt. She wouldnt delete anything before showing you if she were honest. To hide it would have been easy as she could have deleted it, and avoided it entirely where  she would have never mentioned any of it. I dont like this for the same reason you dont and her nonsense is BS. If she had nothing to hide nothing would have been deleted. 

I truly had to get to the bottom of why I kept choosing really awful men for me. Once I did, I finally chose someone who was decent, kind, not an a**h***, not a cheater, not addicted to anything, was emotionally available to me, and was someone who was willing to share their entire life with me. It was a very long and hard road with a bunch of monkeys before that because I continued to choose men who were awful to me and for me. 

I may be way off here but if this is something that "keeps happening" and we have "no idea what you have dealt with" we do have to look at why you keep choosing these woman and why you stick around to be hurt, no?

[Daisydooks]

On 1/3/2020 at 7:12 AM, JTSW said:

You have a great lack of faith in women.

Or he is choosing bad women entirely. Looking at my own picker, I had to do some tough digging to figure out why I kept choosing s***ty men. I dont mean to be judgy.

As a woman, if I delete messages and then tell "my story" about what happened, it is because I'm trying to tell only what I want someone to know, not what actually happened. Otherwise I'd just show the messages to him. Why delete messages and leave things open to interpretation if she had proof right in the palm of her hands? 

She told him what she wanted him to know to relieve herself of some guilt. 

[Johnson1]

On 1/4/2020 at 4:21 PM, Daisydooks said:

Or he is choosing bad women entirely. Looking at my own picker, I had to do some tough digging to figure out why I kept choosing s***ty men. I dont mean to be judgy.

As a woman, if I delete messages and then tell "my story" about what happened, it is because I'm trying to tell only what I want someone to know, not what actually happened. Otherwise I'd just show the messages to him. Why delete messages and leave things open to interpretation if she had proof right in the palm of her hands? 

She told him what she wanted him to know to relieve herself of some guilt. 

My sentiments exactly. I'm a big believer that seeing is believing. I've been in relationships where they couldn't let go of the past and was stabbed in the back by someone who said she loved me, then cut me up behind my back to her ex who she said she didn't want. After it was over she moved back in with him and they ended up buying a house together. It's different with this lady though. This guy was only a fling here and there when she was lonely. They were never a couple. Another difference is the one I'm with now would marry me tomorrow.  The other one had no intention on ever doing that. 

Yes" I know what yall are going to say. It's only been 4 months and we have trust issues with each other. The way I feel about it is if she's for real and only wants ME, a commitment of that magnitude shows a lot. Our relationship runs deep, even with a little uncertainty. She met and loved my mom who died last week and she came to the funeral with me. 

The one thing I feel she's not being honest about is her having sex with this guy just before we went out. It was a sexual thing (according to her) and I know how easily she gives herself over after a few drinks. If she didn't have sex with him before we went out why would he think he could get sex from her 3 weeks ago? It doesn't make sense. I think she told me she didn't to spare my feelings so I wouldn't worry. Her deleting that message didn't help.

Edited January 9, 2020 by Vocals5

[Johnson1]

I don't know. Should I be questioning a woman who says she'd marry me tomorrow?

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

1 hour ago, Vocals5 said:

I don't know. Should I be questioning a woman who says she'd marry me tomorrow?

Getting married is not in your best interest as a man in modern times.

Edited January 9, 2020 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT
the gram

[Rockdad]

19 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Getting married is not in your best interest as a man in modern times.

Financially speaking I have to whole heartily agree with you.  

[Ambereyes]

Yes OP you choose the poor women, always. 

Girls who give herself up easily when drunk is a huge red flag most smart men would avoid. 

Women who say she's marry you tomorrow is also a huge red flag most smart men would also avoid. 

[Johnson1]

9 hours ago, Ambereyes said:

Yes OP you choose the poor women, always. 

Girls who give herself up easily when drunk is a huge red flag most smart men would avoid. 

Women who say she's marry you tomorrow is also a huge red flag most smart men would also avoid. 

This one isn't poor. Not all Ive dated were poor. This lady makes 100k per year. I only make 1/4 of what she does. I do own my own home outright, but it's a small home not worth much. There's nothing to gain here for her financially.

I truly believe that she loves me, she's just uncertain at times, like I am. I really wasn't into her at first oh, but he pursued me at the bar oh, so I figured what the heck. After that she was so good to me complimentary that my love for her grew greatly. But then there were times around Christmas and just before, right around when this guy hit her up for sex where she wasn't so nice. She seem to be avoiding sex for up to 6 days. The reason why I didn't like that she deleted the text from this guy was because is because of what Daisy dooks said. 

 

She didn't want me to see the whole conversation and left eveything open to interpretation. She did it to relieve some guilt. She shouldn't have answered him back at all. Her texting him back sends the wrong message to him and leave things open-ended.

Edited January 10, 2020 by Vocals5

[Johnson1]

She told me she blocked him, but it's impossible to block text if someone has her number. If she didn't answer him back because he got dirty with her I'm sure he'd text her back apologising. Since her and I've have talked about it and she knows it bothers me she may not let me know if he texts her again, which I'm sure he will at some point. 

[2BGoodAgain]

On 1/4/2020 at 4:21 PM, Daisydooks said:

Or he is choosing bad women entirely. Looking at my own picker, I had to do some tough digging to figure out why I kept choosing s***ty men. I dont mean to be judgy.

As a woman, if I delete messages and then tell "my story" about what happened, it is because I'm trying to tell only what I want someone to know, not what actually happened. Otherwise I'd just show the messages to him. Why delete messages and leave things open to interpretation if she had proof right in the palm of her hands? 

She told him what she wanted him to know to relieve herself of some guilt. 

i have to agree with her. 

And just b/c you include someone in your life doesn't mean she/he isn't cheating or doing other things on the side... after my A, i looked back at 12yrs of my APs life behaviors... and realized she deeply compartmentalized her life... even from me... which was a one of the basic tenets of our relationship. 

many people facet their lives according to how a certain person fits in their lives and compartmentalize them/their roles and the amount of personal info, if any, that person gets. So just b/c this woman may share/live together etc... doesn't mean she isn't having a relationship outside... as someone earlier mentioned, a woman/man could be having sex in the laundry room next to the dining room where her family is having dinner... if she/he really wanted to.  

folks with multiple partners, whether short term/long term/fun/sex/friend... they find aspects of each person they like, but perhaps not the whole package... it doesn't matter if the issue is with the person having the multiple relationships or the persons they're dating.

at any rate, insecurities aside... though some suspicions might just be paranoia... in general, your gut reactions are there for a reason.

having said THAT... we do date the type of women/men that we like... but when you start seeing a pattern, it isn't just them... it may also as likely be something within you that seek out these types of individuals.

and having said THAT... you can't just go solely on suspicions and experiences from past relationships... that's unfair to the person you currently have a relationship with. 

Talk with her. try to be open and frank and let's see if she can be transparent with you. Just remember, BEFORE her relationship with you, it really is none of your business what she did with whom... but being transparent with you about the current relationship and any relationships she currently has... let's see how important you are to her, or not by the level of transparency she gives you.

be warned though... if she doesn't think you're worth it, or values her privacy above any relationship... you may lose your relationship with her. Ask yourself if this is an acceptable risk... or if you can keep going on like this with her... short term vs long term... if this is one of those things that will drive you nuts... you may want to end it.

good luck!

[2BGoodAgain]

50 minutes ago, Vocals5 said:

She told me she blocked him, but it's impossible to block text if someone has her number. If she didn't answer him back because he got dirty with her I'm sure he'd text her back apologising. Since her and I've have talked about it and she knows it bothers me she may not let me know if he texts her again, which I'm sure he will at some point. 

okie. i'm a total nut job, but you CAN text someone if they block them, by blocking your own number(depends on phone/carrier)... or using an alternative text number... there is an app for that. lol.

So that may NOT be a lie.

[2BGoodAgain]

but that's another thing, even if the other guy managed to get a text thru... did she communicate back? or did she ignore it completely?

[Johnson1]

42 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

okie. i'm a total nut job, but you CAN text someone if they block them, by blocking your own number(depends on phone/carrier)... or using an alternative text number... there is an app for that. lol.

So that may NOT be a lie.

She's not tech savvy at all. I have to help her with simple settings on her phone. She wouldn't know how to do that. She didn't install an app. This much I know.

[Johnson1]

43 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

but that's another thing, even if the other guy managed to get a text thru... did she communicate back? or did she ignore it completely?

She told me she deleted the text because she thought I'd be hurt by what he said to her, but the truth (I believe) is because she didn't want me to see her replies to him. She told me she told him about us and his response was 'Oh'.

 

The question is at what point did he get dirty? He wouldn't have talked to her that way 'after' she told him about us. She must have told him 'after' he started saying that, which means the conversation kept going. I'm sure if she didn't answer him back after that he would have known that he insulted her and would have apologized. He's not just going to leave things like that with her pissed off at him.

[2BGoodAgain]

16 minutes ago, Vocals5 said:

She told me she deleted the text because she thought I'd be hurt by what he said to her, but the truth (I believe) is because she didn't want me to see her replies to him. She told me she told him about us and his response was 'Oh'.

 

The question is at what point did he get dirty? He wouldn't have talked to her that way 'after' she told him about us. She must have told him 'after' he started saying that, which means the conversation kept going. I'm sure if she didn't answer him back after that he would have known that he insulted her and would have apologized. He's not just going to leave things like that with her pissed off at him.

i dunno.. mebbe he thought he could start off where he left off and went right into it...

the point is, after she deleted it, you had no way to verify it without just trusting her... obviously, you don't feel you can trust her... but ask yourself this first... has she given you any reason to not trust her? im' not talking about all your prev relationships... i'm talking about her... has she done something to make you distrust her... as in, she did something that broke that trust... not suspicion, not what you think, but an actual breach of trust?

 

[2BGoodAgain]

29 minutes ago, Vocals5 said:

She's not tech savvy at all. I have to help her with simple settings on her phone. She wouldn't know how to do that. She didn't install an app. This much I know.

i'm saying the OTHER guy prob did that.

or like you said, mebbe she thought she blocked him, and she just deleted it, and so.. the text came right thru.