Very long, but I need some words of wisdom

[Sandra1]

This will be long and I apologize in advance, but I will be really, really grateful for your advice 🙏

I (35) met this guy (40) 12 years ago through my brother. They were best buddies at the time. We spent a lot of time together and got on like a house on fire from the very first day. 3 weeks after we met, he moved into the same shared accommodation house me and my brother lived in at the time as there was a spare room and he was looking for somewhere, so we now even lived under one roof. I liked him from the start. We had a very, very good connection. I felt as if I'd known him my entire life. And we did everything outside of work together. We cooked, cleaned, went shopping, went over friends' houses, went for walks, went to parties together, literally everything. He also met my mum and we spent Christmas holidays together. It was wonderful.

For the first 2 months, things seemed to be going perfectly between us. We never kissed or touched or even held hands at that point, and I wasn't even looking for a relationship, but I was ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED we would end up being together. It just seemed inevitable. However, one day he suddenly stopped wanting to hang out with me one-on-one. I had no idea why, so I assumed I had "read" him all wrong and thought that he just wasn't into me. It obviously upset me a little, but I just went on with my life as if nothing happened. We still lived in the same house and carried on spending a lot of time together (just not one-on-one) for another few months, but I soon met and got into a long-term relationship with another guy, and eventually ended up moving out a few months later. 

He also moved out of that shared house and went on to live in another city for a few months. When he came back, he came to see me at my workplace and we had a long conversation. He told me that the reason why he went away was that he went to rehab because of his drug addiction (which I only just then found out about). We talked about this and then carried on being friends as normal. At that point, I obviously didn't see him as much as I did at the beginning because I was with somebody else, but we still hang out regularly and he came over my house a lot. He once even stayed 3 weeks at my house which I shared with my b/f! Lol. Every now and then I would get the impression that he liked me, but I never read too much into it as I thought I had been so wrong about him in the past, so didn't want to jump to conclusions again. Besides, I had a boyfriend. This went on for another 2 years. He then left for another country and that was the last time I saw him.

When he left, he stayed in touch with me through email, text messages and phone calls, but he would only contact me occasionally (like once every few months). About a year or 2 after he left, he also stayed at my mum's house for a few days when he went to see my brother who temporarily lived back at home at that time. I sooo wanted to be there with them when I found out, but it's so far and I was still with my b/f, so I thought it would've been weird if I went to see him, lol. 

Anyway, years later, and I'm talking 4 or 5 years after he left for another country (and about 7 years after we first met), he sent me a friends request on FB. I was so happy to see him on FB as I had missed him immensely. We started writing. Very innocent at the beginning but it soon developed into something more. He confessed that he fell in love with me the moment he first laid his eyes on me and that I didn't "read" him wrong at all because he'd loved me the entire time and he wanted for nothing but to be with me, but he had to put a halt to what was developing between us because of his drug addiction. He wanted to come clean before he started anything with me as he said I deserved only the best and he knew that he wasn't it at the time. And he then went to rehab and got clean, but it was already too late as I was already with someone else. He said he didn't want to ruin what I had with the other guy, so that's why he never said anything. Until we started talking on FB messenger that is, which is when he confessed everything. 

He then went on to tell me that throughout the years he tried and tried again to forget me, but he just couldn't, and that he tried to date other women, but he always ended up subconsciously comparing them all to me and that they never compared. He said he just couldn't get me out of his head and that he knows I'm the one for him. As you can probably imagine, he completely swept me off my feet when he said all that. All my feelings for him that I bottled up when I thought I had "read" him wrong, came back in an instant. And a hundred times stronger! I fell head over heels for him again. There was just one problem... I was still with my boyfriend!

My relationship with my b/f was good, I was happy, so I made the decision to cut it out with this guy, but I kept thinking about him. About a year, maybe a year and a half later, he wrote to me on FB again and we ended up having a few-months-long "thing" when we wrote to each other almost every single day and we both fell madly in love with each other all over again. However, I stopped it once again because I felt really bad (because of my b/f). He would then proceed to write to me once every few months, mostly pretending he was just being friendly, but I think he was checking if I was still with my b/f or if I was interested. And I kept pretending I only liked him as a friend (which was obviously a lie) so we ended up having short, casual conversations each time.

But things turned out differently when he started writing to me again in August 2019. We first talked like just friends and nothing more, but he soon started complementing me and basically flirting with me again and I let it go on for a while, but I felt bad because of my b/f, so I just told him that even though I do have feelings for him, I couldn`t just dump my b/f of 12 years to be with him. He wrote back saying he completely understands and that he would never ask me to do such a thing as he would never want to be the reason for someone`s suffering. I thought it was such a nice thing of him to say, but it just kept playing on my mind. Or, shall I say, HE kept playing on my mind. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't function. I just had this terrible feeling that maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life by sending this guy away again. I can't even explain it.

I ended up talking to my best friend about this situation extensively and she suggested that I should arrange to meet with him at my mum's house (as he obviously won't come to where I live because of my b/f and I won't go to where he lives because I feel it would be wrong and also I want him to have to put some effort into it if I'm doing the same). I thought that this is the only way I can verify if we would still have feelings for each other in real life. Plus, I really really miss him and want to see him anyway. So I wrote to him and suggested this meeting and this guy was so happy, he couldn't contain himself! He said he was too scared to believe it's true in case something changes and it doesn't happen. And we ended up writing everyday again after that. And thinking (and saying to each other) that we're more in love than ever. 

Everything seemed to be going perfectly between us. However, about 3 weeks ago, he completely disappeared off FB and left me hanging with an unanswered message. I had no idea what had happened, but I just assumed that after the intensive chatting with me for a while, he must've decided that he wasn't into me after all and so this was his (very immature) way of letting me know he wasn't interested anymore. My heart broke to pieces as even though I didn't know if we would end up being together or if I'd decide to stay with my b/f, I felt like I was so close to finally resolving this issue with me and him and I just wanted this opportunity so badly and here he was ignoring me. I saw him on FB a few times in the first week when he wasn't replying, though less than normally. And then in week 2, I did not see him on FB at all. I thought I had been ghosted. It hurt like heck. Especially coming from him - a guy who made me believe he had loved me for the last 12 years and wanted nothing more but to just finally have that chance with me. I completely broke apart and went into depression mode. I kept crying over everything, I didn't feel like doing anything, the lot. But I did not contact him for answers or anything. But then, a week ago (2 and a half weeks after I last heard from him), I get a message from him as if nothing happened, in which he says, "Hi darling, Merry Christmas. I broke my phone and I haven't got a new one yet, so I'm not online a lot. I've got a computer, but I don't like writing on it. So how have you been? I've been alright, although I'm in my second week of being ill, so not the best." And then he addressed how we looked in an old photo of the two of us I had sent him (just before he "ghosted" me). Needless to say, I was completely and utterly shocked to receive his message and especially for it to sound as if nothing at all had happened after I had spent the previous two weeks trying to get over this guy, lol. I have no idea what to think or how to react to this. On the one hand, all the advice online says, "Don't take back a ghoster" or "Make sure you address the issue of him disappearing on you before you let him back into your life", and I agree with those, but if he didn't contact me for 2 and a half weeks, then did he really ghost me? And also, do I really have the right to feel as though he needs to explain himself or can I really require that he communicates his absence in advance in the future if he's spent the last 5 years making it clear to me that he wants to be with me and I was the one who kept saying "No, because I'm in a relationship"? But on the other hand, do I really want to ignore his disappearance when it really hurt my feelings and made me believe I had been deceived? I am so confused as to what to do and what to say to him… Or whether to address his disappearance at all... I need your advice about this, guys.

Also, I would like to hear what you think about my situation with this guy and my b/f in general. My relationship with my b/f has been good, maybe not absolutely out-of-the-world fantastic as we got together rather quickly, rushed into it a little bit to be honest and I never had that head-over-heels in love feeling with him that I did with the other guy, but I do love him, I do want what's best for him, we do get on, even now, after 12 years of being together and we do have great sexual chemistry, which maybe isn't the most important thing in the world, but matters as well. What do you guys think about all this? I need some input and words of wisdom 🙃

Thank you in advance and I apologize about the length of this post 😅

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[The Outlaw]

Most people that ghost you don't come back. Ever. But I don't feel it's really worth throwing away 12 years of history between yourself and your BF over him when he doesn't contact you that often in the first place. You can do whatever you want, but keep the contact to just that, contact. His intentions to stay away from you because of your relationship may be noble, but he also by the same token needs to respect the fact that you are in a relationship. 

[Sandra1]

7 hours ago, The Outlaw said:

Most people that ghost you don't come back. Ever. But I don't feel it's really worth throwing away 12 years of history between yourself and your BF over him when he doesn't contact you that often in the first place. You can do whatever you want, but keep the contact to just that, contact. His intentions to stay away from you because of your relationship may be noble, but he also by the same token needs to respect the fact that you are in a relationship. 

Thank you so much for your input, The Outlaw. I feel like he has been very respectful of my relationship. First, he didn't even tell me about his feelings for 7 years because I was in a relationship. Then, when he finally did, he kept apologising and saying he shouldn't have said that, but he just couldn't keep his feelings for me bottled up anymore. When he talks about my b/f, he always stays respectful and never says anything bad. There honestly isn't anything to complain about with regards to his level of respect for my relationship. He's been a true gentleman about it.

As to how often he contacts me, it varies. When he contacted me in August, we either wrote every day or once every 2-3 days until the beginning of October which was when I told him I wouldn't dump my b/f of 12 years to be with him. We were still in contact throughout October, but not very regular as he was travelling (and also probably felt there wasn't much left to say since I had turned him down again), so we just talked a few times that month, not much at all. And October was also when I spent a lot of time thinking about me and him, me and my b/f and just wondering if turning him down again was a good idea. I just had that nagging feeling that I may be making a massive mistake here. The beginning of November was when I told him I'd like to meet him and we talked almost every day for the next month. And then he "disappeared" for 2 and a half weeks and I thought I had been ghosted, but just over a week ago, he reappeared and said what I wrote in my post above. How would you react to it if you were me? Because I have no idea if I should be mad, or do I even have the right to be mad if we're not even together or dating? 

Also, when you said, "Keep the contact to just that, contact", did you mean that you wouldn't meet with him if you were me?

[The Outlaw]

Just limit your interactions with him to just friendly banter. 

[Sandra1]

10 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

Just limit your interactions with him to just friendly banter. 

What made you say that? I'm really curious.

[The Outlaw]

Well, he maybe respectful of your relationship, but it would just raise a red flag with anyone who was in a relationship with someone that was talking to another member of the opposite sex. 

[Sandra1]

18 minutes ago, The Outlaw said:

Well, he maybe respectful of your relationship, but it would just raise a red flag with anyone who was in a relationship with someone that was talking to another member of the opposite sex. 

Okay, I see. I thought you'd said that in regards to him disappearing.

[Foxhall]

I think deep down you want to meet this guy, 

you will likely enjoy the excitement and thrill of the "forbidden liaison"

I think a lot of people forego the cavalier option though to stick with the safer choice,

you have a reasonably good thing with your current guy, its lacking a bit of excitement but at least you have something and you are safe,

Im guessing  you do not have the temperament to deal with the consequences of things going pear shaped with this other guy,

you could lose them both.

also it is only fair that you should be loyal to your current guy,

on balance I think your better off to forget about this other guy, stick with the safer tried and tested- 

 

[Veronica73]

There is no reasonable explanation for him disappearing for two and a half weeks. I hope you don’t screw up your 12 year relationship for this guy.

[Sandra1]

17 hours ago, Foxhall said:

I think deep down you want to meet this guy, 

you will likely enjoy the excitement and thrill of the "forbidden liaison"

I think a lot of people forego the cavalier option though to stick with the safer choice,

you have a reasonably good thing with your current guy, its lacking a bit of excitement but at least you have something and you are safe,

Im guessing  you do not have the temperament to deal with the consequences of things going pear shaped with this other guy,

you could lose them both.

also it is only fair that you should be loyal to your current guy,

on balance I think your better off to forget about this other guy, stick with the safer tried and tested- 

 

You are right that deep down I do want to meet this guy. Very much so. One, I miss him like crazy and two, I'm really curious to see if there will be sparks between us in real life. After all, it's almost a decade since I've seen him, so it could go either way. I could end up not seeing myself with him at all. You never know. But I do think we may actually be a better match than me and my b/f. If there are sparks, I wouldn't do anything physical with him during that trip anyway, not even a kiss, because I would still be with my b/f and I just couldn't do that to him. I just wanted to see how things would be between us, then go back home to my b/f and take time to make a well-thought-out decision about who I want to be with.

Although, right now I'm not sure if I even need to worry about it at all since I have absolutely no idea how to interpret his disappearance in December. I don't know if I should take it as a sign that he's lost interest,  or if it was completely benign on his side. I really have no idea what to think. I would if he never got back to me, but he did, and that confused the life out of me. He kind of strikes me as the kind of person who could possibly think it's absolutely normal to not reply for so long, but then, I don't want to be naive and hold on to hope and then feel crushed again.

 

6 hours ago, Veronica73 said:

There is no reasonable explanation for him disappearing for two and a half weeks. I hope you don’t screw up your 12 year relationship for this guy.

I agree completely - there is no reasonable explanation for him disappearing for two and a half weeks. And that's why I've still not replied to his message, even though it's already been 9 days. I just simply don't know what to think and thus how to react. I keep going back and forth between wanting to react and address the issue and not wanting to reply at all and just wait and see if he cares enough to message me again and make things right. But at the same time, I'm worried he may still have feelings for me and he may still want to be with me, but may choose to not message me again just because he's a rather shy and sensitive guy who you don't have to tell "No" twice. He may just take my silence and run with it, if you know what I mean. 

And as for screwing up my 12-year relationship for this guy, I'll try to be really careful to not jeopardize anything when I'm still unsure. And I'll make sure to take my time to make an informed and well-thought-through decision. That is, if I even get to meet this guy in the end.

[introverted1]

4 hours ago, Sandra1 said:

I wouldn't do anything physical with him during that trip anyway, not even a kiss, because I would still be with my b/f and I just couldn't do that to him. I just wanted to see how things would be between us, then go back home to my b/f and take time to make a well-thought-out decision about who I want to be with.

This is monkey-branching and completely unfair to your bf of 12 years.

Your decision to stay with your bf should be based on the merits of that relationship.  If you don't think he's the one for you, then break it off and let him and you both find someone more suitable.  To keep him around while you decide if someone else is a better match is quite cruel. 

Would you be happy if you knew your bf had been talking to an old crush on and off over the years, professing to be in love with her, and was now planning to see her without your knowledge so that he could "make a well-thought-out decision" about whether to stay with you?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 1/2/2020 at 3:14 PM, Sandra1 said:

he soon started complementing me

This person doesn't complement you at all !!

 

(unless there is an addict in your family who you spent childhood taking care of)

 

He's been yo-yoing in and out of your life as addicts are wont to do.

 

C'mon, take stock of yourself and recognize you deserve someone from a higher shelf.

 

 

[Sandra1]

11 hours ago, introverted1 said:

This is monkey-branching and completely unfair to your bf of 12 years.

Your decision to stay with your bf should be based on the merits of that relationship.  If you don't think he's the one for you, then break it off and let him and you both find someone more suitable.  To keep him around while you decide if someone else is a better match is quite cruel. 

Would you be happy if you knew your bf had been talking to an old crush on and off over the years, professing to be in love with her, and was now planning to see her without your knowledge so that he could "make a well-thought-out decision" about whether to stay with you?

I know it's completely unfair to my b/f and I know I wouldn't be happy if he did the same to me. I realize it's cruel. And I feel absolutely horrible. But at the same time, do I really want to break his heart and make him suffer when I don't really know whether I will want to pursue anything with the other guy at all? I may as well end up realizing that my b/f is the one for me after all. And if his heart was a block of ice, I would have told him about all this a long time ago because I absolutely hate hiding it from him. I just know this would hurt him so much and he would have a hard time healing and moving on from this, so I'm trying to spare him unnecessary pain in case I decide to stay with him in the end.

And yes, I know I should base my decision to be with him on the merits of my relationship with him and not on the merits of whether I like him or the other guy better. You are right. But what if I tell you I love them both? I do! I kind of think I may have more in common with the other guy, but I have not seen the dude in like 10 years, so I may end up changing my mind and that's why I need to see him. And when I'm away, I may also end up missing my b/f and realizing that where I really want to be is by his side. You just never know.

Also, I have never acted selfish in my life. I have always been a giver and a people-pleaser. I have done and sacrificed a helluva lot for my b/f. And I don't mind. But I feel like this time, I really have to look out for ME for once because this is a massive, life-changing decision and, quite frankly, nobody else is going to do this for me. I have to make a decision that is right for me, not just for my bf, and I feel the responsibility to make it in a way that causes me and the involved people the least amount of pain and I feel like this is the least painful way. Unless you have a better idea? Then please let me know. 

 

9 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

This person doesn't complement you at all !!

 

(unless there is an addict in your family who you spent childhood taking care of)

 

He's been yo-yoing in and out of your life as addicts are wont to do.

 

C'mon, take stock of yourself and recognize you deserve someone from a higher shelf.

 

 

There actually IS an addict in my family - my brother. He's a class B drugs addict (mostly just smokes cannabis, occasionally reaches for something else), whereas that guy was addicted to a class A drug, which would have had a much bigger impact on his life and on the lives of those around him, so not exactly the same thing. Also, I didn't exactly spend my childhood taking care of my brother as he is older than me, but I have always felt like and been treated as the more responsible one out of the two of us, so it may have impacted me more than I ever thought. So yes, I guess you can say that this guy kind of does complement me. Although, I assume you were just trying to point out my spelling mistake there, weren't you? And yes, I did make a mistake. I meant to say that he started complimenting me. I apologize. 

As for him yo-yoing in and out of my life, I feel like, unfortunately, this has been more due to me letting him in and then shutting him out of my life rather than to him wanting in and out of my life himself. Except for his most recent disappearance for 2.5 weeks , that is, which was entirely his choice.

 

[Veronica73]

Why after 12 years aren’t you and your BF married?

[Sandra1]

22 minutes ago, Veronica73 said:

Why after 12 years aren’t you and your BF married?

Because neither of us wanted to get married for most of our relationship. I come from a family of divorced parents and he has been married before and is divorced himself, so our belief in the institution of marriage wasn't great. However, I did have a turn-around a few years ago when I realized that I actually do want to be married. And I kind of started trying to talk him into it, too (probably not the wisest idea). He didn't budge for ages, but finally proposed to me last year. I was happy to start with, but later started thinking that it's probably not what he really wants deep down, so my excitement quickly dwindled and I started thinking that we probably shouldn't do it.

[Veronica73]

So....when he proposed you said no?

(Sorry, I’m following a lot of threads right now).

[Sandra1]

Just now, Veronica73 said:

So....when he proposed you said no?

(Sorry, I’m following a lot of threads right now).

It's okay. And I said "yes" and was excited to start with, but my excitement dwindled when I wanted to start to plan things and he started to come up with excuses for why we can't do this and have that at our wedding and so on. It just made me think he only proposed out of the fear of losing me if he didn't (because I had said to him that if he doesn't want to get married, then we obviously want different things in life and therefore shouldn't be together). I think he would be perfectly happy if stayed BF & GF for the rest of our lives. I don't think he cares one bit about getting married. 

[d0nnivain]

Your BF is not merely your BF.  He is your fiancé (unless you turned down his proposal).  Yet, you carry a torch for this other guy & he has been a shadow in your relationship for the entire 12 years.  Most people here would tell you that you have been having some sort of an emotional affair with your brother's friend.  The fact that you are flirty & he calls you "darling" are affronts to your FI. 

BTW, where does your brother stand on this guy's character?  Does he have better insights into all the disappearances? 

Sadly I think you are settling for your FI.  He's the good guy who has been there for you while Peter Pan has been fliting in & out of your life playing with your emotions.  

In the end you need to chose.  If you get married, you best stop most communication with this other guy, it's not fair to your FI.  I suspect that your FI's foot-dragging is because he knows you are not all in emotionally even if he doesn't kjnow the specifics of this other guy  

As for your friend's idea that you meet the guy at your mom's house, let me tell you what I see in my crystal ball.  You are going to eventually meet this guy at moms as you have planned.  That will go well & will stir up all sorts of feelings.   Then you two will justify getting together again somewhere else just the two of you.  Eventually there will be kissing & more.  You will claim "it just happened" & "I can't help myself".  Your FI will dump you & shortly thereafter Peter Pan will disappear again.  

Peter Pan is no good for you.  Be very careful about your continued interactions with him.  

Edited January 5, 2020 by d0nnivain

[SincereOnlineGuy]

18 hours ago, Sandra1 said:

 

 

There actually IS an addict in my family - my brother. He's a class B drugs addict (mostly just smokes cannabis, occasionally reaches for something else), whereas that guy was addicted to a class A drug, which would have had a much bigger impact on his life and on the lives of those around him, so not exactly the same thing. Also, I didn't exactly spend my childhood taking care of my brother as he is older than me, but I have always felt like and been treated as the more responsible one out of the two of us, so it may have impacted me more than I ever thought. So yes, I guess you can say that this guy kind of does complement me. Although, I assume you were just trying to point out my spelling mistake there, weren't you? And yes, I did make a mistake. I meant to say that he started complimenting me. I apologize. 

As for him yo-yoing in and out of my life, I feel like, unfortunately, this has been more due to me letting him in and then shutting him out of my life rather than to him wanting in and out of my life himself. Except for his most recent disappearance for 2.5 weeks , that is, which was entirely his choice.

 

There is SO much synergy between someone in childhood who needed care-taking, and the eventual mate OF the would-be "caretaker"...  BUT given what you've explained, I can't exactly know with confidence that you did any of the actual care-taking.

 

HOWever, as 'addiction' is genetic...   just from where did your brother manage to inherit that gene??

Might there have been a grandparent who was addicted to drugs or alcohol... and one of your parents knew the caretaker role??

 

 

Edited January 6, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Sandra1]

On 1/5/2020 at 2:10 PM, d0nnivain said:

Your BF is not merely your BF.  He is your fiancé (unless you turned down his proposal).  Yet, you carry a torch for this other guy & he has been a shadow in your relationship for the entire 12 years.  Most people here would tell you that you have been having some sort of an emotional affair with your brother's friend.  The fact that you are flirty & he calls you "darling" are affronts to your FI. 

BTW, where does your brother stand on this guy's character?  Does he have better insights into all the disappearances? 

Sadly I think you are settling for your FI.  He's the good guy who has been there for you while Peter Pan has been fliting in & out of your life playing with your emotions.  

In the end you need to chose.  If you get married, you best stop most communication with this other guy, it's not fair to your FI.  I suspect that your FI's foot-dragging is because he knows you are not all in emotionally even if he doesn't kjnow the specifics of this other guy  

As for your friend's idea that you meet the guy at your mom's house, let me tell you what I see in my crystal ball.  You are going to eventually meet this guy at moms as you have planned.  That will go well & will stir up all sorts of feelings.   Then you two will justify getting together again somewhere else just the two of you.  Eventually there will be kissing & more.  You will claim "it just happened" & "I can't help myself".  Your FI will dump you & shortly thereafter Peter Pan will disappear again.  

Peter Pan is no good for you.  Be very careful about your continued interactions with him.  

Thank you for your input, d0nnivain. I don't think my brother would have better insights into Peter Pan's (lol) disappearances because I think they only talk once in a while now that Peter Pan lives in a different country. I could be wrong because I've never actually asked either of them how often they contact each other, but that's the impression I'm under. Also, I don't think my brother even knows about what's been going on between me and Peter Pan as I do not confide in him with things like that and I doubt Peter Pan would have told him. Although I could be wrong as Peter Pan told him he loved me years before he even told me, so my brother may actually know and just be staying quiet about it like he did back then. I don't know.

And where does my brother stand on this guy's character? Well, they are VERY alike in more ways than one, so I can't see my brother having much against him. And when Peter Pan was still in the same country as us, they were best friends and inseparable like conjoined twins. However, surprisingly, the one thing my brother did disapprove of was Peter Pan's class A drug use, but Peter Pan later stopped that, so that's not an issue anymore either.

Peter Pan has not been a shadow in my relationship for the entire 12 years at all. More like for the last 5, as he kept his feelings secret for the first 7 years and I treated him as a friend then. Although, even in those 5 years that I've known about his feelings towards me, we spent most of the time pretending we were just friends, except for when we had that "thing" in 2016 when we wrote every day or almost every day for a few months and then again since August 2019. All the other times we talked we never said anything we shouldn't have. But I know, it doesn't make my emotional affair any less of an affair. I realize that. 

As for your crystal ball prediction, if I do decide to meet Peter Pan at my mum's, there won't be a need for a second meeting because I'll make my decision after the first one and if I decide to meet him again that will be because it's him who I've chosen and if I chose to stay with my BF, then I will communicate it to Peter Pan and that will be it between me and him for good. So no, there won't be any kissing or more and no, I won't be making up excuses for why things happened. I think emotional cheating is bad enough. I don't want to feel even worse than I do now and I know I would if anything physical happened. 

No, my BF's foot-dragging is not because of me not being all-In emotionally at all as he has always been reluctant about getting married again, even when I was all-in during the first 7 years of our relationship. He just sees marriage as a useless piece of paper. 

And yes, my BF may sound like the good guy in this story, but at the same time, would I be thinking about another man if I was truly deeply happy in this relationship? Because I think that since someone else has managed to have this effect on me, then maybe there is a deeper issue in my relationship with my BF. And unfortunately, I am thinking there may be...

 

 

11 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

There is SO much synergy between someone in childhood who needed care-taking, and the eventual mate OF the would-be "caretaker"...  BUT given what you've explained, I can't exactly know with confidence that you did any of the actual care-taking.

 

HOWever, as 'addiction' is genetic...   just from where did your brother manage to inherit that gene??

Might there have been a grandparent who was addicted to drugs or alcohol... and one of your parents knew the caretaker role??

 

Omg, wow, yes, there was! My grandfather is addicted to alcohol and I think my mom (his daughter) knows the caretaker role. She is also the eldest out of her siblings and the only girl. And both of her brothers ended up being alcoholics themselves, too (though both of them are abstinents and stopped drinking at relatively young ages - in their late 20's). Wow, this is really interesting! 

And as for my brother, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I actually have done a lot more of the care-taking than I thought. And I still do it to this day. And so does my mum. Wow...

Edit: Also, I've had people think my brother was the younger sibling out of the two of us when they didn't know our ages and thought that based solely on the dynamics between us, so I must give off the care-taker vibe.

Edited January 6, 2020 by Sandra1

[d0nnivain]

Sandra 

It sounds like you at least know yourself.  I'm glad you plan to not go down that proverbial slippery slope. 

I can relate to the idea that if you were totally happy in your relationship you wouldn't be talking to Peter Pan.  I lived with somebody for 10 years; basically I wasted my 20s on him.  😔  My fault but still.  Anyway, he too claimed that marriage was just a piece of paper.  Eventually I left him because marriage is so much more & I was sick of getting short changed.  

Maybe your answer isn't A or B but rather c). none of the above.  

Best wishes.  I hope you find your path.  

Edited January 6, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Sandra1]

31 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Sandra 

It sounds like you at least know yourself.  I'm glad you plan to not go down that proverbial slippery slope. 

I can relate to the idea that if you were totally happy in your relationship you wouldn't be talking to Peter Pan.  I lived with somebody for 10 years; basically I wasted my 20s on him.  😔  My fault but still.  Anyway, he too claimed that marriage was just a piece of paper.  Eventually I left him because marriage is so much more & I was sick of getting short changed.  

Maybe your answer isn't A or B but rather c). none of the above.  

Best wishes.  I hope you find your path.  

Thank you so much! 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

7 hours ago, Sandra1 said:

 

Omg, wow, yes, there was! My grandfather is addicted to alcohol and I think my mom (his daughter) knows the caretaker role. She is also the eldest out of her siblings and the only girl. And both of her brothers ended up being alcoholics themselves, too (though both of them are abstinents and stopped drinking at relatively young ages - in their late 20's). Wow, this is really interesting! 

And as for my brother, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I actually have done a lot more of the care-taking than I thought. And I still do it to this day. And so does my mum. Wow...

Edit: Also, I've had people think my brother was the younger sibling out of the two of us when they didn't know our ages and thought that based solely on the dynamics between us, so I must give off the care-taker vibe.

 

"Caretaking" certainly isn't a shameful role... BUT I SENSE (without knowing a darn thing about it) that it unfairly drains the caretaker  where it relates to substance abuse.

 

I have a relative who is the most amazing "caretaker" in a sense, BUT none of us have ever seen any of our relatives drunk or under the influence of any addictive substance.

Her life has just mandated  that she assume a bit of a 'caretaker' role in ways more near to a simple 'nurse' than that of a partner to a substance abuser... and she has continued that exercise in many directions of life  (NONE, still, connected to substance abuse by anyone).

 

More specific to YOU...  it makes pure sense that you gained SO much imagery from your one female role model  that the repetitive traits just feel right   to you.

 

Generally speaking,  (and reciting the words of "Doctor Drew" here)...   the offspring of one addict has a 50/50 chance of getting the gene for addiction...

 

the offspring of TWO addicts would have a 75% chance of acquiring the gene for addiction.

 

Those who do NOT acquire the gene for addiction are quite typically (NON-genetic) "caretakers" of those who are addicts.  (life just causes it to happen)

 

(the difference  is that the undue (responsibility) put upon those caretakers BY the {confusion} that IS addiction...  isn't fair TO those caretakers)

(whereas some people were almost literally mere nurses  from the day they were born)

 

SO your strong draw TO the one guy sorta helps to fill your urge to be a caretaker...   (and a caretaker seems to look quite appealing to an addict).

 

You're not "wrong" in that... it's just... natural.

 

 

Edited January 7, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Sandra1]

8 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

"Caretaking" certainly isn't a shameful role... BUT I SENSE (without knowing a darn thing about it) that it unfairly drains the caretaker  where it relates to substance abuse.

 

I have a relative who is the most amazing "caretaker" in a sense, BUT none of us have ever seen any of our relatives drunk or under the influence of any addictive substance.

Her life has just mandated  that she assume a bit of a 'caretaker' role in ways more near to a simple 'nurse' than that of a partner to a substance abuser... and she has continued that exercise in many directions of life  (NONE, still, connected to substance abuse by anyone).

 

More specific to YOU...  it makes pure sense that you gained SO much imagery from your one female role model  that the repetitive traits just feel right   to you.

 

Generally speaking,  (and reciting the words of "Doctor Drew" here)...   the offspring of one addict has a 50/50 chance of getting the gene for addiction...

 

the offspring of TWO addicts would have a 75% chance of acquiring the gene for addiction.

 

Those who do NOT acquire the gene for addiction are quite typically (NON-genetic) "caretakers" of those who are addicts.  (life just causes it to happen)

 

(the difference  is that the undue (responsibility) put upon those caretakers BY the {confusion} that IS addiction...  isn't fair TO those caretakers)

(whereas some people were almost literally mere nurses  from the day they were born)

 

SO your strong draw TO the one guy sorta helps to fill your urge to be a caretaker...   (and a caretaker seems to look quite appealing to an addict).

 

You're not "wrong" in that... it's just... natural.

 

 

It makes perfect sense, SincereOnlineGuy! My grandfather had a traumatic childhood (due to war) and I think that's where his alcohol addiction stems from. And I know my grandmother, his wife, definitely was the care-taker in their relationship. She passed away when I was little, but I've always heard from everyone around me how caring and responsible she was. She knew the care-taker role because both of her parents died when she was a teenager and she had to raise her 4 younger siblings. I don't know if there'd been any addiction problems in hers or my grandad's respective families. I guess my mum must have learned the care-taker role from my grandma (her only female role model) and I learned it from my mum (my only female role model). It makes perfect sense in every way. Wow, I am speechless... 

It also explains why me and that guy are so drawn to each other. We try to fight it, we stop contact, we get into relationships with other people, months go by, years, but we somehow always end up gravitating towards each other. I remember he once said to me that he had never felt such harmony and unity with anyone in his life as he did with me. This really stood out to me because that was exactly how I felt when he was around. A perfect harmony. I felt safe, I felt comfortable, I felt loved and I didn't feel the need to pretend to be someone I'm not. And I've missed that feeling since. 

Thank you so much for telling me all this. 

[Piddy]

After reading this War and Peace story 🙂  I have to say that Peter Pan is a big gamble.  Not only because of his in and out behavior with you, but addiction being a lifelong struggle, do you really want that drama?

And regarding your boyfriend.  It sounds like you'd be 'settling' if you stay with him.  But you are clearly hedging your bets because you don't want to be alone and start over with searching for someone new.

Here's a few scenarios to the ending of this Hollywood movie. 

1. You choose Peter Pan and he beats his addiction and you live happily ever after.

2. You choose Peter Pan and he doesn't charge his behavior and you realize you made a mistake.

3. You choose your boyfriend and live happily ever after.

4. You choose your boyfriend and always pine for Peter Pan.

5. You dump both and look for someone new.

Of course in real life you can't know what will happen down the road.  My advice is to look closely into your crystal ball and see which realistic ending you see for yourself.  And then act on that..............  Good Luck.............

Edited January 8, 2020 by Piddy