My boyfriends friend took advantage of me while black out drunk and I can't bear it

[RosieDunne]

I’m terrified I have cheated on my boyfriend. I love him so much, and I would never EVER do something like this to him in my right mind. We had a house party and i drank a LOT. More than I have in a very long time and I was black out drunk. When I know I’ve got too drunk I stumble off to bed and pass out, it’s something I do every time. Same this time I passed out in my bed. Next thing I know I’m being kissed by my boyfriend in our bed, so I start kissing him back... except it’s not him it’s his best friend. I’m pretty sure at this point I push him off me and ask what the hell he is doing but I was so drunk I can’t remember and I can’t remember anything after that. I’m so so upset because I honestly thought it was my boyfriend or I never would have kissed him!!! Why was he even in our bed?? Why has he followed me up and started kissing me when I was clearly passed out? How could he do that to his best friend? How could I do that to my boyfriend??? I feel so ashamed so disgusted but I really didn’t make this decision and never would. But I feel like I am 100% in the wrong here because it still happened even if I didn’t want it to and literally all I can remember is about these 2 seconds of kissing before I realise it’s him and that’s IT. I have to keep hiding in the bathroom to cry from my guilt because I can’t tell my boyfriend. I also don’t actually remember what happened and I don’t know if I should ask this friend exactly what happened??? Because I feel like I have to I need to know what happened because I just blacked out. Did he touch me did he take advantage of me? I feel disgusting and heart broken and I don’t know what to do. Do I tell my boyfriend? But then what if he breaks up with me and I’d ruin his friendship, this friend comes round our house all the time though and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to bear being around him. Do I potentially destroy a relationship? What do I do please help... I can’t believe this has happened I can’t get over this guilt but I didn’t ever EVER want this to happen I fee totally and utterly betrayed and used

[preraph]

You need to bust that necrophiliac and tell your boyfriend about it.  Don't YOU be ashamed.  You thought it was your boyfriend and as soon as you realized it wasn't, you freaked out.  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

6 minutes ago, RosieDunne said:

 But I feel like I am 100% in the wrong here because it still happened even if I didn’t want it to and literally all I can remember is about these 2 seconds of kissing before I realise it’s him and that’s IT.

Well, you're not.  Tell your boyfriend.Do you think he would remember you going up to your bedroom?

[RosieDunne]

But I’m terrified I honestly can’t remember anything else and I’m not even 100% sure I pushed him off, I don’t even know if I was capable of that... I honestly can’t remember any of it and what if I consented in my drunk state?? I don’t even know!! All I know is my boyfriend said I stumbled off to bed and later his friend disappeared and he found us both passed out in our bed and he obviously thought nothing of it because we love each other and there literally is NOTHING there with this guy never ever has been so I really don’t understand what has happened  I’m absolutely devastated and I can feel my heart breaking but I don’t feel like I can say anything because I don’t even know the story 

[RosieDunne]

Thank you both for your replies! Yes m boyfriend remembers me going up to bed he laughed about it because it’s something I always do I just pass out... I tried to get more info out of him casually because I can’t remember any of the end of the night and he said I stumbled up to bed and his friend disappeared for ages and they didn’t know where he had gone then he came up to find us both passed out in the bed

[RosieDunne]

But the fact that we stayed in the bed together makes me look so guilty like why would I not kick him out of the room??? So I don’t feel like I can tell my boyfriend because I don’t know if he’ll believe me, I don’t know what happened I think I just realised It was him and passed out but I’m so afraid because I don’t know if he touched me or what happened   

[preraph]

Stop worrying about how far it went and tell your bf so it doesn't happen again.  You don't remember, so you don't remember.  You don't even need to tell your bf you don't know how far it went.  Just don't be too specific and tell him, As soon as I realized it wasn't you, I stopped it.  If he asks questions, just say, I can't remember, I was asleep, and your friend is a necrophiliac and not a good friend!

 

No matter what his friend tells him (most likely "She came onto me") your bf knows how f'd up you were and how you get so he ought to know that's not true or at least give you the benefit of the doubt.  Tell him, Please keep your friend away from me. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If you were that drunk you may not have been able to get your clothes back on if anything happened and your boyfriend would have seen it.  And, it's even possible the best friend doesn't remember anything either.

[RecentChange]

This "friend" is a creep and a predator - and well it's illegal to try to get sexually intimate with someone too intoxicated to consent. 

I would tell your boyfriend so he knows what kind of scumbag this "friend" is.

The "friend" is also never to be trusted around you or any females at any parties with drinking. 

This is some Brock Turner crap and not okay. I know my guy wouldn't be pissed at me at this situation, but he would probably have some fists or at least words for the "friend".

[RosieDunne]

Thank you I really appreciate your replies, cautiouslyoptimistic this is exactly what I’m thinking too, he may not remember so I don’t know if I should ask him what happened because if he doesn’t know I don’t want him to know. I already can’t bear the guilt. Do I just bury my feelings and not tell anyone and just avoid this friend? I don’t have to be around him I can just leave when he’s around, it’s complicated because I live with my boyfriend and his brother and this guy is literally their best friend. He comes round here like 3 times a week. What if I destroy all that? I can’t bear to hurt my boyfriend and I couldn’t bear if he blamed me and things were never the same again. Do I just keep it quiet and try and bear the guilt?  I just feel destroyed because I can’t bear that I have done this to my boyfriend 

[RecentChange]

Why exactly is it your fault that a guy tried to take advantage of you?

Why are you responsible for him following to your room and kissing a passed out girl?

Why are you riddled with guilt for someone else's actions?

How do you think he feels right now - the guy that tried to take advantage of you? Do you think he is crying in a bathroom with extreme guilt for what he did to you, and what he did to his friend?

Why would you be responsible for breaking up their friendship - HE FOLLOWED YOU AND TRIED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

Why are you responsible for his actions?

Why do you think your BF who knew you were too drunk, would be upset with you and not his friend that betrayed both of your trusts?

Is there a school counselor or someone you can talk to? Because I think you have this all wrong.

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT A GUY DID THE WRONG THING.

[RosieDunne]

Thank you recentchange, I needed to hear that because I’m really struggling to feel like it’s not my fault  it’s because I can’t remember it at all that I feel so guilty, I don’t know what happened all I can remember is this tiny memory of him kissing me and me kissing him back and it’s the fact that I was kissing him back that’s making me feel disgusted. I didn’t know who he was or what was going on or even how it happened but it happened and doesn’t that put me partially at fault?  i Googled it and it said if you’re drunk enough to let something like that happen then you’re just as much at fault and I can’t help feeling like that. I can’t help feeing that if I just don’t say anything I can pretend like it never even happened and I’ll just stay far away from this guy from now on. 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

12 minutes ago, RosieDunne said:

Thank you I really appreciate your replies, cautiouslyoptimistic this is exactly what I’m thinking too, he may not remember so I don’t know if I should ask him what happened because if he doesn’t know I don’t want him to know. I already can’t bear the guilt. Do I just bury my feelings and not tell anyone and just avoid this friend

Don't ask him.  He'll admit to nothing if he does remember it.  

Give your boyfriend more credit.....he knew how drunk you were, saw you NOT naked in bed (I assume), and probably knows his friend pretty well to know he'd do something like try to kiss you.  I don't think he will blame you.  He might say, "don't get that drunk again" but this is not your fault.

[RosieDunne]

That is true I did think he’s not likely to tell me anything if he does remember but I just don’t want him thinking it was consensual because it WASNT. he probably thinks I’m just as bad, a disgusting cheater. But I never wanted that to happen. We definitely weren’t naked, but I just keep imagining if I found out he’d kissed one of my best friends. It’d break my heart. I don’t know if I can do that to him even if It wasn’t something I consented to. And that’s the thing, I’m honestly shocked because this friend is NOT the type... he’s normally polite and reserved and I had a lot of respect for him as a friend ONCE!! not anymore!! But I thought he was a good guy!! So if I thought that he definitely will!! I’m disgusted he could do something like this to me and my boyfriend. 

[kendahke]

17 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

Why exactly is it your fault that a guy tried to take advantage of you?

Why are you responsible for him following to your room and kissing a passed out girl?

Why are you riddled with guilt for someone else's actions?

How do you think he feels right now - the guy that tried to take advantage of you? Do you think he is crying in a bathroom with extreme guilt for what he did to you, and what he did to his friend?

Why would you be responsible for breaking up their friendship - HE FOLLOWED YOU AND TRIED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

Why are you responsible for his actions?

Why do you think your BF who knew you were too drunk, would be upset with you and not his friend that betrayed both of your trusts?

Is there a school counselor or someone you can talk to? Because I think you have this all wrong.

ITS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT A GUY DID THE WRONG THING.

All. Of. This^^^^^^^

Quote

All I know is my boyfriend said I stumbled off to bed and later his friend disappeared and he found us both passed out in our bed and he obviously thought nothing of it

... and if your boyfriend balks at what you say, then you know he needs to go because he knew his boy went missing.

you were passed out and therefore not able to give the consent you'd never in a million years give that predator. 

Does this predator-friend have any issues with your relationship with his boy?

Edited January 3, 2020 by kendahke

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

4 minutes ago, RosieDunne said:

I’m disgusted he could do something like this to me and my boyfriend. 

Do something like what?  Reject the advances of someone other than your boyfriend?  You did the right thing.

[oldtruck]

report this to the police, you were not in a state to give consent

[RosieDunne]

He doesn’t have any issues with our relationship that I know of! His own relationship ended fairly recently and I know for a fact he was extremely upset the day before so maybe he was trying to ruin ours? Take it for himself?? Hell knows I never would have expected him to do this in a million years.

i feel so much extra guilt because of the fact I don’t know what happened  what if I’m wrong? My boyfriend said to me later that he couldn’t remember if I’d gone up first or the friend had. What if I wasn’t passed out? But in my eyes I was because I literally have black in the place of memories I’ve tried so hard to remember and can’t. And as far as I’m concerned someone in that state is NOT able to make decisions. I also somehow managed to take my contact lenses out drunk because I tried to take them out the next morning and I’d already done It (couldn’t remember doing that either) so I’m sure I must have gone to bed because why in the hell would I go up to bed and take my lenses out to get off with someone. And I never even would do that In a million years anyway. I’m very happy with my boyfriend. But it’s all this doubt how can I tell him something that I don’t even know about? What if there’s stuff I don’t remember that makes him think it was my fault? What if it is my fault??  how could the friend even let that happen though when he knows I’m with his best friend and we’ve been together over 5 years!! 

[RecentChange]

HOW OS THIS YOUR FAULT?

Do you think you got up, went down stairs, found the friend, and then took him up to the bedroom with you?

Do you have a mother or a sister or someone else you can trust to talk to?

I am really concerned by how absolutely upside down you have this.

Tell me - if a girl wears a short skirt, and a man attacks and rapes her - is the rape her fault because she wore a skirt? Not the man's fault for raping her - but her fault because she brought it onto herself?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ah yes, let's blame the victim.  

 

From what I understand, she was in her own home.  Getting drunk and going to your own bed in your own home is not taking a risk that should lead to be taken advantage of!

[RosieDunne]

Vespil, I completely agree with this but I never ever would have thought I was at any risk. We were in mine and my boyfriends house with only his brother and his girlfriend and their two closest friends who I have known for a long time. I have nothing in any way of any feelings for any of them and I don’t think they have any for me so I thought I was safe getting drunk in this situation. I have also just had some rather devastating medical news and had only 2 days earlier come off some very strong medication so it was my first time drinking in a while and I didn’t intentionally get this drunk but this response is exactly the kind of thing that makes me blame myself, you can see how I fee you can see how I blame myself for this how can I live with that, how can I tell my boyfriend knowing it’s my fault

Edited January 3, 2020 by RosieDunne

[RecentChange]

Drinking at your own home - her friends shouldn't be trying to take sexual advantage of her - and her boyfriend should have been looking out for her / taking care of her.

Sure - I guess we should be constantly vigilant because some creep might get rapey. Because your friends may try to commit crimes against you. 

But why she is the guilty party here for drinking in her own home, and going to her own bed, while a guy made a decision to follow her and to try to kiss her is beyond me.

There is one guilty party here, and it's HIM.

Edited January 3, 2020 by RecentChange

[usa1ah]

You need to tell your boyfriend that you think his so called best friend tried to rape you and that you don’t know what happened after you push him off of you. 
 

Call the police and file a report against the POS as well. 
 

this isn’t your fault. 

Edited January 3, 2020 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

1 hour ago, RosieDunne said:

Vespil, I completely agree with this but I never ever would have thought I was at any risk. We were in mine and my boyfriends house with only his brother and his girlfriend and their two closest friends who I have known for a long time. I have nothing in any way of any feelings for any of them and I don’t think they have any for me so I thought I was safe getting drunk in this situation. I have also just had some rather devastating medical news and had only 2 days earlier come off some very strong medication so it was my first time drinking in a while and I didn’t intentionally get this drunk but this response is exactly the kind of thing that makes me blame myself, you can see how I fee you can see how I blame myself for this how can I live with that, how can I tell my boyfriend knowing it’s my fault

You should have been safe in your own home with your close friends. This should have never happened. 
 

Again you are not to blame. 
 

 

[preraph]

Predators rely on you keeping their secret!!  Do NOT ask him anything.  Do not get in cahoots with him!  By doing that, you are sharing a secret with him when it wasn't your fault to begin with.  It is wrong of him to try to have sex with an unconscious woman!  Much less his friend's gf.  Why would you even THINK about keeping this secret.  Your bf needs to know he crossed a line.