My boyfriends friend took advantage of me while black out drunk and I can't bear it

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You need to go to the police.

Doing that will establish a precedence for his behavior and will hopefully stop him from repeating this behavior in the future or give credence to the claims of another.

Edited January 3, 2020 by CAPSLOCK BANDIT
Addition

[Veronica73]

I don’t blame you for being upset. But it’s not your fault. And you need to tell your boyfriend. When his friend disappeared for awhile, where did he think he was? Does the friend live there too?

[Atwood]

Getting drunk is legal, sexually pushing yourself on a drunk person is not. 
 

There is absolutely 0% blame on you, OP. I know your brain is going “but I did this, but I did that”. You are not at fault whatsoever. 
 

Drinking alcohol until you black our might not be advisable for your health, but having someone take advantage of that is not your fault in the slightest. A drunk person is a drunk person, and it isn’t until a predator takes advantage of them they become a victim, for were it not for the predator’s decision, they would simply remain a drunk person. A 100% of the blame is on the guy who did that to you. 
 

You pushed him off as soon as you realised he wasn’t your boyfriend, what more could you have done? 
 

I’m so sorry this happened to you, and it’s understandably causing you a lot of pain. You haven’t done anything wrong, and I hope you can pluck up the courage to tell your boyfriend. We live in a society that tells us these crimes are our fault, and some people mistakenly believe that. If your boyfriend doesn’t support you, you can walk away. 

If nothing else, please seek counselling. I have been to counselling to discuss sexual trauma and it’s incredibly helpful. 

 

[JTSW]

Rosie, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

By what i have read, it sounds like this guy was also blackout drunk and likely didn't have any idea what he was doing.

You say your boyfriend found you both passed out and thought nothing of it so you were obviously both clothed so nothing could've happened. 

I strongly agree that you should talk to your boyfriend about it. You did nothing wrong and he will not be mad at you at all. 

It will help to get the burden off your chest and you have a wonderful and trusting relationship with him.

Always remember that you did nothing wrong. 

[kendahke]

14 hours ago, Vespil said:

It may not be your fault that this guy took advantage of you in your drunk state- however you are accountable for your irresponsible actions which were to drink so much you could be in such a position in the first place.

We live in an uncertain world. Things happen- random events as well as those caused by unscrupulous individuals looking to further their own goals at the expense of others. We need to be vigilant at all times. Well if not vigilant, at least prepared, for anything.

That means keeping our minds sharp, being alert, and expecting the unexpected. Drinking ourselves under the table doesn't leave us prepared for anything other than to be taken advantage of.

 

Quote

We had a house party and i drank a LOT. More than I have in a very long time and I was black out drunk. When I know I’ve got too drunk I stumble off to bed and pass out, it’s something I do every time. Same this time I passed out in my bed.

She. Was. In. Her. Own. Home. Not. In. The. Streets.

She had absolutely no reason to believe that her boyfriend of 5 years had a friend who preys upon unconscious women in their own beds in their own homes.

Stop blaming the victim.  Dude should not have known the floor plan of that home so well that he could slip off undetected and make his way into HER bedroom.

Edited January 3, 2020 by kendahke

[stillafool]

There is only 3 options here:

 

1- Call the police

2-Tell your boyfriend

3-Keep your mouth shut and forget it ever happened considering you don't want to tell anyone.

It's up to you to make the choice.  Do it soon and stop sweating over it.

 

[preraph]

The thing that would bother me most in this scenario is I would be wondering if your boyfriend decided this was okay to let him do this. 

[RosieDunne]

Thank you so much everyone for your responses it’s really helping to talk about it and read all of your opinions because I honestly don’t know what to do and it’s all I can think about  I tried to sleep on it and it was the first thing I could think about when I woke up and I just started crying  I honestly don’t know what to do... I feel like I need to tell him and like some of you have said he crossed a line and my BF needs to know about it. I also can’t bear the thought of him being in my house and he comes round all the time. What am I meant to do? How am I supposed to look at him, be civil to him, pretend like nothing happened?? How dare he do that to me I’m still just in shock and devastated.

but I can’t help thinking about what happens if i tell him...

1. What if he doesn’t believe me / think I was so drunk (which I was) that it was my fault? What if he thinks I was the one who initiated it?? I honestly can’t bear the thought

2. I can’t bear to lose him what if this destroys everyrhing

3. he has known this friend since they were little children, he went to school for him, he loves him like a brother, they recently bought tickets for him for something because of how down he was and they want to be there for him... this is a huge deal it’s like I’m asking him to choose between me and a brother...

4. This friend is literally so involved in our lives. He comes around all the time, he chills in our bedroom with me and my bf sometimes when we’re having a drink (how can I EVER let him in my room again!??!) I refuse. I can’t bear to even look at him. But if I don’t tell my BF I’ll have to because I’ll have to pretend like everything’s normal... I don’t know if I can ever bear to be around him again after this. I trusted him I don’t understand how he could do that to me unconscious. We’re even going to a festival with him this year how Can I do that?! But it’s so many things to think about

5. what if my bf doesn’t believe me and stays friends with him and I have to carry on with life with him around me like it’s not an issue...

so many more things... what would you all do, honestly? I feel like this decision could ruin my whole life. We’re meant to be buying a new house together this year and now he might not even want to be with me after this  

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think you are catastrophizing this.   Unless your husband is a jerk he will not think you are lying about this.  I think the worst he will do is laugh it off as "Oh that's just _____ (friend's name)." But I'm projecting....when I was married, years ago, my BIL hit on me.  Twice.  When I told my then-husband he laughed.  He believed me and though it was funny.  It was not funny.  

Edited January 3, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic

[2BGoodAgain]

i do think you bear some responsibility, but not really what you are so focused on.

1) you didn't do anything wrong, in terms of ur bf's friend making advances on you while you were semi-non conscious. so stop beating yourself over it. if something more happened than a kiss. again, NOT your fault.

2) i don't know about reporting it to the police; that's up to you, but first find out what happened. talk to your bf and you two figure something out.

3) don't get so drunk, you are defenseless or unable to recall the night before. it doesn't stop such events like this from happening 100% but it can pretty much reduce much of it. Personally, i'm a control freak, so i dislike doing anything that causes me to lose control in any situations, but that's a diff kind of issue.

at any rate... lesson learned, talk to your bf, it wasn't your fault, don't get so drunk...

[stillafool]

If you are going to be stuck beating yourself up over something you had no control over just tell him.  If he breaks up with you over something that is none of your fault, you were assaulted and he doesn't believe you and now no longer wants a home with you then; honey you have the wrong boyfriend anyway.   I agree you need to stop drinking to the point you black out.

Edited January 3, 2020 by stillafool
add addt'l comment

[Veronica73]

No, it’s probably not advisable to drink to blacking out. But plenty of people have done it and will continue to do it. She was in her own home, in her own bed, with her boyfriend in the house too.  If nothing else, he needs to know he needs to keep an eye on you and watch out for you. His friend doesn’t seem very trustworthy. Maybe he (the friend) was so drunk he was blacking out too. I don’t know. But it’s not your fault. What if the friend does remember, and says something to your boyfriend? Wouldn’t you rather it come from you?

[RosieDunne]

I know it’s irresponsible to drink this much and safe to say it wont be happening again. I know it’s not an excuse, but as mentioned previously I’d just had some pretty upsetting news from the hospital a month previously and had been on very strong medication up to this point so it was my first time drinking in a while so it hit me a lot harder than It normally would so I didn’t intentionally get this drunk. The ‘friend’ in question also bought straight spirits and kept giving everyone shots, I had a lot of these which I deliberately dont normally do (but obviously was not in any state to make decisions) now I’m blaming him for this too. It’s definitely his fault i got so messed up. Maybe this was deliberate too?? I honestly don’t know what to think anymore. I should mention this guy was also ridiculously drunk, like more drunk than I’ve ever seen him so I don’t know if this was deliberate or what. He threw up all over our bed and floor... which must have been while i was passed out because I don’t remember this either. So Is it fair for my boyfriend to even blame him? Are we both as bad as each other? But I didn’t choose for this to happen. I thought he was my boyfriend what’s his story???? He must have known who I was!!

i agree Veronica, that I am terrified he will say something first. I have no idea if he remembers but if he does I feel like he’s the kind of person who wouldn’t be able to keep it secret. Then again turns out I don’t know him at all. What if he remembers stuff different to me? I’m heartbroken that I can’t remember what happened as I don’t even know the extent of it myself so I’m feeling the most intense amount of guilt I can. But I stand by my disgust, and the fact of why was he in my bed in the first place???? It never should have been a decision I had to make because he never should have been there!!! I made the informed decision that I was too drunk and needed to go to bed so why the HELL did he follow me?

i know I keep writing a lot but I just don’t know what to do. I feel devastated. I’m calling my best friend tomorrow who knows them so I can get a better idea of what to do. But even the idea of telling her is devestating me, I don’t want it to be real. So I don’t know how I could even tell my boyfriend, if I’d even be able to, I know a lot of you have said this isn’t my fault but I just feel like it is  

Edited January 4, 2020 by RosieDunne

[Veronica73]

It really isn’t your fault. And you don’t need to defend yourself for getting drunk. Yeah, okay, maybe not the greatest thing to do. But you were in your own house, with friends, with your boyfriend there. Doesn’t get much safer than that. I can’t tell you what to do.

But it sounds like you both still had your cloths on, right? So most likely, not much happened. Talk to your friend.

I still think you should talk to your boyfriend. And I’m not putting the blame on him by any means, but I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t notice the friend was missing for quite awhile after you stumbled off to bed. You’d think he would have noticed and checked on you.

[Veronica73]

I have to agree, it’s not anyone else’s fault but your own how much you drank. But still, you didn’t cheat on your boyfriend.

[Banana Bender]

The double-standards in this scenario never cease to horrify me:  Two people get drunk and have sex, yet it is always the man's fault?!?!?

The OP has clearly and repeatedly stated that she has no clear recollection of what happened, and in fact feels guilty.  Yet everyone assumes the man is at fault?!?

I certainly don't know what happened, and neither do any of you, because even the OP doesn't.  You quickly brand the friend a predator, and say he should be arrested.  So why not not apply the same standard and brand the OP as a slut???

To the OP, In terms of what may or may not have occurred, did you wake up naked or close to?  Any signs of sexual activity?  If so, I suggest pregnancy and STD testing asap.
If not, you can probably assume that you bot passed out and nothing much happened.  You shouldn't feel guilty over a couple of drunken kisses.

If you are going to continue drinking yourself into oblivion, with other people in your house, you should ask your BF to ensure that nobody else is coming upstairs.

[Veronica73]

You’re not being accurate about everyone’s responses.

[lana-banana]

The more details you provide, the less it sounds like "a guy deliberately touched me" and the more it resembles "we had enough alcohol to celebrate New Year's in a Polish barracks". You were not able to fully consent and he was probably not able to tell you weren't fully consenting. Not good. Still, you were in your own home, surrounded by friends and your boyfriend---I'm very surprised one of them didn't put you to bed with a glass of water. Was everyone else completely trashed, too?

You don't know what happened beyond kissing and fumbling. I doubt that the other guy remembers much either. He also probably won't try to brag about what happened since the story seems to end with "and then I projectile-vomited all over the house".

Tell your boyfriend. To reiterate, what you did isn't good, but it's not cheating. And in the future stick to at most 2 drinks a night (3 on very special occasions), with 8-16 oz of water between drinks. You have seen firsthand why getting blackout drunk can be exceedingly dangerous and make you feel awful, both physically and emotionally.

Edited January 4, 2020 by lana-banana

[schlumpy]

19 hours ago, preraph said:

The thing that would bother me most in this scenario is I would be wondering if your boyfriend decided this was okay to let him do this. 

That's a damn good question preraph. If I found my best friend cozied up my one true love in my bed no less, I'm don't think I would be unconcerned. His reaction is suspect even if you use it only to measure the depth of feeling he has for her. 

[RosieDunne]

You completely misunderstood me. I’m not trying to pass blame, in fact this entire post is because I blame myself!! I was just saying I thought I knew the guy but I clearly don’t so maybe he wanted me to get blackout drunk who knows? I’m not saying it’s his fault I got drunk, far from it. And I’m certainly not saying he forced it down my throat, although I did say I wasn’t doing shots but was persuaded into them but that’s still my fault.

what I’m saying is how is it fair that I made the conscious decision to go to bed because I realised I was too wasted, I did the most sensible thing I could and took myself to bed, and went to sleep. So how is it fair that he not only followed me up to my private bedroom but GOT IN THE BED?? and started kissing me?? How is that fair?? If as strangers, you’re judging me this much how can I possibly tell my bf. I don’t lack accountability I’m saying it’s all my fault and I feel awful and I don’t want to destroy my relationship, but at the end of the day I thought he was my boyfriend because why the hell would I think anyone else would be in my bed?

i know it’s not sensible to drink this much, but I’ve been drinking with these people for 5 years and never once felt threatened and I was in my own home and with my boyfriend, like people have agreed this shouldn’t have happened. I’m not saying it’s all his fault but I feel devestated that you think it’s mine as clearly my boyfriend will too if you all think that

to clarify to those who have asked - yes we were fully clothed, I also had tights on so I think it’s highly unlikely he did anything else except kiss me and i remember pushing him away as soon as I realised it wasn’t him but it just terrifies me that I don’t remember, and no I won’t be drinking this much again. I’m not blaming the hospital incident, I’m just saying coming off the medication made the alcohol a lot stronger to me than I had realised as it decreases my ability to digest alcohol properly. 

12 hours ago, Vespil said:

You're blaming him for giving everyone straight shots? Seriously? Did he force them down your throat?

I'm sorry you had upsetting hospital news but that's still an excuse.

The lack of accountability is appalling.

[Piddy]

You need to tell your boyfriend what you remember.  After all he did see you two lying on the bed together and didn't think much of it.  Sounds like there wasn't any sex because you'd remember waking up naked.  My bet is your boyfriend is going to brush it off as no big deal, even though it is to you.  My guess is he won't hold his friend accountable.    

It's a tricky situation.  You'll never feel comfortable around this guy again.  I'm afraid because he's a close friend of your boyfriends he'll chalk it up to drunken kissing.  You need to express to him how badly you feel about this.

Then it's up to you.  You either accept being around this guy (since he's around often) or you tell your boyfriend you can't be around him when he comes over.  The best scenario is the guy apologizes to you and somehow everyone can move on from this.  If not (again) unfortunately you have to decide what you want to do.

Again, I'd be surprised if your boyfriend cuts this guy out of his life if they have such a long relationship.  But one thing is for sure, you did nothing wrong.  Everyone is telling you that, but you need to tell yourself that.  Just know that it's not your fault, at all.  

 

Edited January 4, 2020 by Piddy

[stillafool]

On 1/2/2020 at 6:34 PM, RosieDunne said:

Thank you both for your replies! Yes m boyfriend remembers me going up to bed he laughed about it because it’s something I always do I just pass out... 

Well since your bf knows black outs happen when you drink he should have made sure you had water, undressed you and put you to bed.  The other guy sounds like he was so drunk too that he may have thought you were his girl and when he realized it was you he starting throwing up everywhere.  Be careful because we only get one liver.

[preraph]

Look, I have a very low opinion of guys who try to get sexual with passed-out women. That says something about them. You don't want to be around him anymore.  

[sheikh]

Hi OP! A similar thing happened with me few weeks back while I had recently started dating a guy. I was passed out drunk, his friend saw me and came and laid besides me. Then he kissed me and tried to have sex with me. All the time I kept saying no and kept trying to push him off. I had a PTSD flashback after this episode, as I've been through this s*** before. But my brain completely shut down, I couldn't remember him trying to take advantage of me. So, we (the guy that I was going out with and me) met him again, got him drunk and started questioning him about it. And lo and behold, he confessed to everything! I got his confession recorded and have filed a police case on him because he is a f***ing predator!

A lot of that molester's friends still blame me. But I know I wasn't at fault.

Drunk does NOT equal consent. Passed out does NOT equal consent. Being physical because you think it's someone else does NOT equal consent with that person. Forcibly being physical most definitely does NOT equal consent.

You're not the one at fault here. It was the "friend" and he needs to be held answerable and accountable for his actions!

 

[Veronica73]

RosieDunne, you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t know who it was. When you realized it wasn’t your boyfriend you put a stop to it. Please stop blaming yourself.