Concerned about relationship after moving in together

[Bananapancake]

My bf and I’ve been together for 2,5 years, and bought a home together about 5 months a go.

Moving in has been a challenge, adapting to each other, and always being around each other. Although in my opinion nice, and I’ve figured that it takes time to get completly comfortable with a huge change like that.

At times there’s been some tension, but No huge arguments untill recently. We’re both in our 30’s and we’ve been talking about kids, and marriage, I especially have always wanted to get married.

To the point, a few weeks we got into a huge fight over something quite ridicilous, and it turns out that my boyfriend’s been botteling things up the last months. He Said that the relationship hasn’t developed as he thought since we moved in. He feel like he needs to keep reassuring me sbout his feelings,  which is quite true looking back, unfortunately I tend to get a bit insecure. And that he doesnt know if he see himself with me 20 years from now, because he cant spend his life in this way. Needless to say, it hurt. I tried to adress it rationally and we somehow made up. But he got very close to break up and it shattered my safety.

Things where a bit akward the following 2 weeks. He then went to spend x-mas with family that lives far away, i decided to celebrate with mine and felt good about giving each other some space.

During that week he texted me a lot, saying he missed me and our home, that he couldnt wait to be back. Then he came back, saying that he realized what a good relationship actually had. I feel like he is a bit forced, and only a couple of days later he got back to be easily annoyed with me, spending a lot of time with his computer game, going to bed late. I almost feel like he’s trying to distant himself from reality, then again I tend to worry about things and get insecure. I just dont know how to act right now. He kind of pushed marriage and kids to the future and as much as I dont want to put pressure, I had to let him know that those Are important aspects for me. Has anyone been in this situation? Could anyone please give me some advice or guidance?

I’ve always, since I was a kid had a few tics, ot might be just a bit of nose sniffing or something similar to a hickup. Recently its getting my bf so annoyed. It is psychologically though, and I can limit it but not remove it alltogether. It’s breaking my heart to be abandoned partly because of that. Is it a dealbreaker you think?

[mark clemson]

Relationships continue because both partners choose to continue them. Nothing is a dealbreaker unless/until one partner decides it is. The converse of this is that if/when one of the partners genuinely decides to be done, for whatever reason, it's over or at best a house of cards waiting for a breeze.

Many if not most LTRs have "rough patches" and sometimes one or both even feel they are "so done". Sometimes they really are done, but often the relationship recovers.

You are not married yet and it sounds like you are young? If so, you have options and can decide whether to continue this (it sounds like you want to). He of course would have options too.

It sounds like, if you truly want to go LTR/marriage with this guy that you two have some compatibility issues to resolve. CC might help with that. Also keep in mind that dating/living together can be seen as a "tryout" for the LTR/marriage/family and if it's genuinely not working, there is no reason (and in fact it's unwise) to try to force it.

[Mr. Lucky]

10 hours ago, Bananapancake said:

At times there’s been some tension, but No huge arguments untill recently. We’re both in our 30’s and we’ve been talking about kids, and marriage, I especially have always wanted to get married.

I think there's a number of factors at work -

- in your 30's, you've both had time to become set in your ways.  The first year living together is tough, lots of adjustments required to share a home.

- You're probably further along the path of marriage and kids than he is.  While it doesn't mean it won't happen, it does mean you should have a realistic timeline you discuss with him.  If you're in your early 30's, five years from now your late 30's loom.  Tough at that point to find someone new and start over if family a priority.

Time for a calm discussion about your goals for the relationship and specific dates.  Then back off, live your life without being needy or pushy and see what happens.  I certainly wouldn't have a child as things stand now unless you want to be a single parent...

Mr. Lucky

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you'd benefit from premarital counseling. It's natural for a partner to annoy you somewhat once you start spending most of your time together. But handling it well is a matter of experience and maturity.

I'm in a fairly new relationship, and we've been essentially living together from the start. We each have our own places, but I'm staying with him now because it's much closer to work and we like spending our time together.

I'm very emotionally expressive and, like you, love hearing words of affirmation and all the sweet stuff. My man is a fairly quiet, stoic, left-brained mathematician who's gradually learning to be more verbally expressive because it means so much to me. At the same time, I'm learning to be more patient and focus on all his wonderful qualities. He shows love more through acts of service, being totally reliable, providing, being rock-like, and all that good man stuff.

I don't think your tics are driving him away. We all have our quirks. It's just that when you're spending so much time together, some little things can start to annoy you. I get a little annoyed that my boyfriend leaves his stuff all over the place and is constantly losing his phones and stuff, while I'm a very organized neat freak. I call him my absent-minded mathematician and try to focus on how cute it is, rather than how annoying.

[Bananapancake]

8 hours ago, Mr. Lucky said:

I think there's a number of factors at work -

- in your 30's, you've both had time to become set in your ways.  The first year living together is tough, lots of adjustments required to share a home.

- You're probably further along the path of marriage and kids than he is.  While it doesn't mean it won't happen, it does mean you should have a realistic timeline you discuss with him.  If you're in your early 30's, five years from now your late 30's loom.  Tough at that point to find someone new and start over if family a priority.

Time for a calm discussion about your goals for the relationship and specific dates.  Then back off, live your life without being needy or pushy and see what happens.  I certainly wouldn't have a child as things stand now unless you want to be a single parent...

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you mr Lucky, those are good advices. I will leave things be for a little while but then have a honest conversation about the time line and back off.

Although I figured moving in together is challenging and not all romcom like, it is nice to hear that from you as well.

[Bananapancake]

4 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I think you'd benefit from premarital counseling. It's natural for a partner to annoy you somewhat once you start spending most of your time together. But handling it well is a matter of experience and maturity.

I'm in a fairly new relationship, and we've been essentially living together from the start. We each have our own places, but I'm staying with him now because it's much closer to work and we like spending our time together.

I'm very emotionally expressive and, like you, love hearing words of affirmation and all the sweet stuff. My man is a fairly quiet, stoic, left-brained mathematician who's gradually learning to be more verbally expressive because it means so much to me. At the same time, I'm learning to be more patient and focus on all his wonderful qualities. He shows love more through acts of service, being totally reliable, providing, being rock-like, and all that good man stuff.

I don't think your tics are driving him away. We all have our quirks. It's just that when you're spending so much time together, some little things can start to annoy you. I get a little annoyed that my boyfriend leaves his stuff all over the place and is constantly losing his phones and stuff, while I'm a very organized neat freak. I call him my absent-minded mathematician and try to focus on how cute it is, rather than how annoying.

We might be quite similar indeed, as well as our partners.

 

thank you for the advice!

[Bananapancake]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Relationships continue because both partners choose to continue them. Nothing is a dealbreaker unless/until one partner decides it is. The converse of this is that if/when one of the partners genuinely decides to be done, for whatever reason, it's over or at best a house of cards waiting for a breeze.

Many if not most LTRs have "rough patches" and sometimes one or both even feel they are "so done". Sometimes they really are done, but often the relationship recovers.

You are not married yet and it sounds like you are young? If so, you have options and can decide whether to continue this (it sounds like you want to). He of course would have options too.

It sounds like, if you truly want to go LTR/marriage with this guy that you two have some compatibility issues to resolve. CC might help with that. Also keep in mind that dating/living together can be seen as a "tryout" for the LTR/marriage/family and if it's genuinely not working, there is no reason (and in fact it's unwise) to try to force it.

Thank you!

 

that is right living together is s try out of the ltr. To be honest its been a bit of a slap in the face to realize it is not a romcom, but actually really challenging to adapt, it has stressed me out a bit. I still choose him every day, as I think he choose me as well. I just really hope for us to grow stronger as a couple, and that as you put it the relationship Will recover as it has been a rough path.

we’re both in our early 30’s

[jeff0011]

On 1/2/2020 at 11:50 PM, Bananapancake said:

I feel like he is a bit forced, and only a couple of days later he got back to be easily annoyed with me, spending a lot of time with his computer game, going to bed late. I almost feel like he’s trying to distant himself from reality, then again I tend to worry about things and get insecure. I just dont know how to act right now. He kind of pushed marriage and kids to the future and as much as I dont want to put pressure, I had to let him know that those Are important aspects for me. Has anyone been in this situation? Could anyone please give me some advice or guidance?

I’ve always, since I was a kid had a few tics, ot might be just a bit of nose sniffing or something similar to a hickup. Recently its getting my bf so annoyed. It is psychologically though, and I can limit it but not remove it alltogether. It’s breaking my heart to be abandoned partly because of that. Is it a dealbreaker you think?

I was recently in a similar relationship. When not with her, I would miss her. When together I needed space badly.  Her insecurities drove me crazy and they ruined every single day. 

Then she blamed me for her insecurities.. "If I just married her it would be different". "I am insecure because YOU aren't doing x,y,z".  

I do not feel it was some issue I had, because in the past I was with women I always wanted to be around. Women I would love to have children with.

For me, life is too short to be miserable daily, when I never cheated. Was always there. But it was never enough. She was always looking for signs I would leave her, and it consumed everyday life.  

If I were you I would try to fix your insecurities, or it will drive this man away. 

 

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

You need to find some independence.  By that I mean you need your own interests, hobbies, friends, & distractions.  You need a head space apart from your BF. 

I get the sense that you might be smothering the poor guy expecting that every moment you are in the house you think you ought to be in the same room, doing the same thing.  It doesn't work that way.  Carve out some together time -- have dinner together & maybe watch TV together a few nights per week but have other things to do separately on other nights.  If he's on his computer, what are you doing?  Can you read a book, paint, draw, craft?  Just find something to do that gives you joy.  

As for him staying up late that may be an adjustment.  It was tough for me to realize that my husband doesn't sleep a lot.  We almost never go to bed together.  That initially made me sad because I felt lonely & unloved.  Then we found a compromise.  I go up to bed & he joins me to snuggle until I fall asleep, which doesn't take long.  Then he comes back downstairs & stays up 'til all hours but I'm happy because I fell asleep feeling cherished.  

[Bananapancake]

On 1/5/2020 at 1:35 PM, jeff0011 said:

I was recently in a similar relationship. When not with her, I would miss her. When together I needed space badly.  Her insecurities drove me crazy and they ruined every single day. 

Then she blamed me for her insecurities.. "If I just married her it would be different". "I am insecure because YOU aren't doing x,y,z".  

I do not feel it was some issue I had, because in the past I was with women I always wanted to be around. Women I would love to have children with.

For me, life is too short to be miserable daily, when I never cheated. Was always there. But it was never enough. She was always looking for signs I would leave her, and it consumed everyday life.  

If I were you I would try to fix your insecurities, or it will drive this man away. 

 

 

 

 

I’m trying so hard to work on myself. I meditate to try to master my worries, I recently decided to go back to counselling as well. I would really love to feel more secure. I usually dont bland my partner for it, Im quite aware where it comes from.

However, I hope its not to late. Im worrying about that, and by the fact that he might be miserable, and Im doing all I can to master that thought and to not bring it up.

He is a bit distant, and I figure Ill give space, hoping he’ll ”come back” by choise

[Bananapancake]

On 1/5/2020 at 4:18 PM, d0nnivain said:

You need to find some independence.  By that I mean you need your own interests, hobbies, friends, & distractions.  You need a head space apart from your BF. 

I get the sense that you might be smothering the poor guy expecting that every moment you are in the house you think you ought to be in the same room, doing the same thing.  It doesn't work that way.  Carve out some together time -- have dinner together & maybe watch TV together a few nights per week but have other things to do separately on other nights.  If he's on his computer, what are you doing?  Can you read a book, paint, draw, craft?  Just find something to do that gives you joy.  

As for him staying up late that may be an adjustment.  It was tough for me to realize that my husband doesn't sleep a lot.  We almost never go to bed together.  That initially made me sad because I felt lonely & unloved.  Then we found a compromise.  I go up to bed & he joins me to snuggle until I fall asleep, which doesn't take long.  Then he comes back downstairs & stays up 'til all hours but I'm happy because I fell asleep feeling cherished.  

Thanks for that. I do have lots of things I like to do, paint especially. Im also a person who need quite a bit of space so it doesnt bother me that he’s doing his thing. Perhaps im worried he’s loosing himself in computergames, missing out on life around him. But I know, we’re different, and I have to accept that. 

I might smother him by being more affectionate, and should probably find a balance.

I really liked the last part of your answer, I can recognize myself in that and Will keep that in mind.

How do you cope in your relationship when you feel like your vibrating on different levels? I feel quite excited for the new year, and he’s been quite grumpy for some days. Trying to keep my mood up, but I find it difficult at time.

[d0nnivain]

On 1/6/2020 at 6:33 PM, Bananapancake said:

How do you cope in your relationship when you feel like your vibrating on different levels? 

My 1st year of marriage was tough.  I really didn't understand the dynamic & it was frustrating. 

I read a book called Fighting For Your Marriage & few other things about appreciation.  It helps you to focus on all the good positive things about your partner rather than obsessing about the stuff you are not getting.   One of things the book said was to find a time & place to meaningful discussions about genuine issues.  Don't drop a bomb on somebody as they are rushing out the door to work or practically passing out for exhaustion. You also can't abuse this scared talking space by expecting it will be all the time for daily communication.  For DH & me the space is the kitchen table, not during a meal.  I'd pry him out of his man cave & we'd talk.  Over the years he has learned that talking isn't torture, so stuff that used to have to at the table can be discussed on the fly but other stuff, still mandates the table approach.  He also comes out to socialize voluntarily now & we sit on the couch.  I am more at peace with his preference to be on the computer since he lingers over dinner more now.  All of this took a while to find balance / vibrate on the same level.  

[SummerDreams]

I have been through similar situations when me and my H moved in together, I was ready (or close to ready) for kids, he wasn't. This was an issue that made us argue and get sad and upset for years, until I came to realise that I don't want kids. What I have learnt from these years' experience is that when someone tells you or shows you they are not happy and they are frustrated with a situation, BELIEVE THEM. I was trying to convince myself and my bf that no, he was not worried, he was not stressed, he should not have bad feelings and so on. But now I can see clearly that I should have just believed him and work from there. I recognise myself in you, it seems you are an insecure person who always wants validation, but I don't think your bf is up for it. He told you himself, he can't see himself in 20 years doing that in his life. BELIEVE HIM. Don't try to minimise the subject or wait for him to calm down with the hope he changes his mind. I'm not saying he doesn't love you or he is not happy with the relationship, but I think he realises you are moving faster than what he would like. He prefers to have little responsibility, enjoy himself, play his games, nobody telling him what to do. A wife and a child will put an end to this and he is not ready. Many women choose to "accidentally" get pregnant to push the issue and force their man into responsibility mode. I wouldn't recommend it. In my opinion whatever he tells you when you have the serious talk you are being advised to have here, deep inside you should know that he is not ready to be a husband and/or have a kid. I don't know whether he will ever want it or the timeline he has in mind. For the time being you either accept that your relationship will remain stable for now or you choose to walk out and find someone who will be more ready. And most of all, who will love you enough to "tolerate" your insecurities and who will want to be with you in 20 years despite them.