My housing situation imploded over the holidays,

[Ellener]

I'm living in a house-share situation. The house belongs to my friends and I started renting a room after selling my place after a flood.

There were numerous problems potentially  I guess but I entered with a spirit of goodwill all round, as the other lady living here had been here some time and used to be the partner of my friend ( they have 2 kids together 1 of whom lives here and is finishing HS. They adopted late in life so woman I live with is 72, girl is 18 ) Basically woman living here had the house-share forced on her by ex for financial reasons, and the children live with her so she has treated it like her ownership, which it's not.

I insisted the other occupants close their bedroom doors at night ( they were sleeping with them open ) took down a light outside which kept me awake, changed the locks which didn't work right, put a lock on my door and super-cleaned the bathroom I share with the 18 year old. The owners told me to do what I think is appropriate but I run stuff by them. I installed smoke detectors and security lights, did a bit of decorating and gardening, it looked like it was going to be win-win all round

Quickly it became apparent 72 year old was very set in her ways, she goes to bed very early ( 6 or 7 pm some days ) and as I type it's just after 5 am and she's been banging around a while. The sound system on the tv was waking me at 5 am every day, so we changed that. Each thing is a massive deal to an older person, I work a lot with seniors so I'm very used to communicating and understanding that.

I stop and chat to her and try to help out where I can, take out trash and stuff, and I gave up on trying to use the kitchen almost immediately. It was clearly her territory. The house owners got concerned at this point and said I need to insist on it being shared etc but I'm pretty easy going about most things, so long as my little dog is happy and I can come and go as I please and if I want to use the shared spaces I need to I can.

Which is becoming the problem, I've been locked out twice Christmas week, so now we have to take the security viewer off the door...she just keeps forgetting I live here I guess! I have seen signs of mild dementia in her, and she's extremely set in her ways unfortunately. There's no reasoning with her at times, and getting angry she just gets upset. So we end up with things like a cockroach infestation, squirrel problem ( she feeds them and they do damage )

Her behaviour Christmas Day was bizarre, she wanted everyone around her, including me, asked again and again until I relented, and then was bossy and unpleasant so everyone left except her niece. I went out with my son and when I got back they were being obnoxious about my friends the house owners, I said 'don't involve me, I think you're setting a bad example for the children,' who could hear all this bitching. 

I spend most of my time in my room or working or out of doors so I can seem a bit anti-social, but I went down later to chat and make sure everything is ok. The older daughter was home and she and I get along. I practically sat on her as there are only five spaces and said 'we need more furniture in here' and 72 year old had a fit and said we're not changing anything...so I said then we can't share a house together can we, and tried to talk and she stormed to her room. The older daughter said 'I'm not comfortable with this' but she did go and talk to her mother, and I said 'say something positive'. 

The biggest problem for me is the constant drama over the pettiest to me things which are super-important to 72 year old, then the disapproval from her daughters who think I'm 'rocking the boat'. I had decided to just ignore most things but if I can't come and go as I please and can't live my own life then it can't work and I told the owners two days ago I am looking for somewhere else. I'm 53 and too old for daily dramas. When the security viewer comes off she'll throw a fit about that. I kind-of wanted to help, and my friends wanted to help me because of my housing situation and anxiety recovery, but I think we've gone as far as we can now. 

So that's that- good to write it all down!

 

[schlumpy]

I guess I'm unclear as to what her legal status is in reference to the house. Is she also paying rent? If so, isn't there some type of rental agreement that would stipulate shared spaces? 

As you stated, it's very hard to change behavior the older we get. I guess that's because it's just tougher to learn new things. The ability to concentrate which is essential to learning and memory has declined. I would hesitate to paint all older people with the same brush. I've know many people over 70 that were still sharp as tacks so it varies as to the individual.

I sympathize with your situation. Your freedom to come and go must be respected. I'm afraid she will have to be brought to reason but not by you. Her daughters are afraid that her situation will change and the burden she represents will then fall fully on them. I'm sure they are aware of her unreasonable behavior.

If you can bail out and find suitable accommodations then that is the road I would travel. As you stated - who needs the drama?

And what the heck are people thinking leaving their bedroom doors open at night in a shared living space? 

[Ellener]

Thanks schlumpy. Her legal status is same as mine, she pays rent, but there are no written documents or set rules, and I think the plan is for the house to be sold once the children don't come home any more, well they could come and stay with the other parents also.

It's sad how the world is really, this lady is getting older and people are bending over backwards to try to help and accomodate, and her unreasonableness will ultimately drive everyone away including as you say the daughters she adores who won't be ready for a dependent aging relative at this stage.

She's a nervous wreck some days and I try to stop by the living room and be a listening ear and make sure she's ok, I am really quite a kind soul beneath all this english reserve! And dementia, if I'm right about that, is becoming my field of expertise. Neuroplasticity is crucial, so is nutrition and self-care in aging well. Stress does a lot of harm and if I'm adding to that and she just can't adapt I don't want to be here. I get on fine with the daughters when she's not there and I got on great with the owners before I lived here.

I imagine she's a bone of contention in the new marriage by this point, so I also feel it's not constructive to keep talking to the owners, and I wasn't planning to but the stress of the holidays and wine, and an invite by another unwitting daughter of the new wife, loosened my tongue. I didn't behave badly or anything- didn't tell them what she says about them for example, but I could tell the new wife doesn't enjoy my presence any more as it's an added dynamic for her to deal with. She cancelled one meet and didn't arrange another and it's soured our friendship for now, but we're all mature enough to fix that later I expect, well if not then it's run its course. But whatever, it's not healthy to get in on other people's family or relationship dramas.

One of my other friends said 'this is using up too much of your energy now' I have some very good longer-term friends who I trust to tell it like it is! Part of anxiety disorder is obsessing and worrying.

I'm putting it here to get out of my system and then I'm going to try a thought-blocking technique and not conversing about it or thinking about it any more.

Edited January 3, 2020 by Ellener
typo