jb0023 Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Hi all. I'll try and keep this as short as possible. But I had to write something out. Long story my ex and I dated for 4 years. We lived together and were literally attached at the hip, and still are. We've experienced so much adventure together (her parents divorce, road tripping around the country, health scares, and so many ups and downs. She was literally the only one there for me in a lot of scary situations.) However there were some key ingredients missing on each of our ends (myself included) that we each required to have a lasting romantic relationship and it all started dwindling. I started falling out of attraction to her (she started gaining a lot of weight) and also the way we started interacting was just becoming volatile. But to make a long story short, we realized the whole time that we were just super close best friends, and we should have ended the dating world long before. I know this sounds dramatic but even to this day I would die for her. We really have such a strong bond it's hard to describe. With all that said, it's been a couple years now and we've both started dating new people. And I love my new girlfriend and could see myself marrying her, and my ex is trying to get married to her guy also. But I just still find myself always thinking about my ex/best friend. Not in a romantic way, but just that I really really miss her company. It's kinda a torturous place to be, also knowing I could have been such a better boyfriend to her which I think is also what kills me. Me and her are like peas in a pod and we still text every day. I know this would be taboo to a lot of people, but it's just the kind of bond we have. It's more like she's my family more than we want to get back together. I just need some advice on kinda what direction I should go. I just love her so much sometimes it hurts to be away from her for such long periods of time. I also just want her to be happy, so I Know I've kinda put myself in this situation also. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 You have to have some boundaries now that you are both in relationships. The constant daily communication will eventually become a problem for your SO's. Shift your focus to your GF, not your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 2 hours ago, jb0023 said: I just need some advice on kinda what direction I should go. I just love her so much sometimes it hurts to be away from her for such long periods of time. I also just want her to be happy, so I Know I've kinda put myself in this situation also. If you really want her to be happy, time to consider how she'll grow and prosper in her new relationship still tethered to you. Are both of your new partners aware of the depth and frequency of the connection? jb0023, you have a choice - your life can be about what lies ahead of you or stuck on what once was. Sure seems like moving forward brings more upside... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VIOLET EDEN Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 I think you guys should have drouble dates, so that you can see her as a friend and then your girlfriend as a GF. I understand what you're going through, my ex was a close friend and after the breakup, it took us over a year to get back to a semi normal friendship, unfortunately it can never go back to as it was before, there has been a history, that cant be forgotten or changed. I suggest you form a new type of friendship with your best friend, not get hung up on the old 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 (edited) Hey jb0023, Here's the problem from what I've read. You convinced yourself your ex was your friend. In that train of thought, you and your ex didn't didn't go your separate ways upon breaking up. You two didn't establish boundaries after the breakup and ended up blurring the lines of friendship and relationship into one. You both got comfortable being in eachother's lives after the breakup and now your confidence, the love you have for your new partner, your good moods, clarity and general frame of mind is tied to your ex's presence. She's still in your life. Still in contact. I bet she's still on your social media as well. So, you still don't have an idea of how you'd feel if you two completely disconnected. You should have said your goodbyes to eachother, so that you can both could learn to live and love life without the requirement of the other; a necessary step needed to be taken to help yourself truly grieve your breakup, to heal and to move passed eachother. You both skipped that part. There are unresolved feelings and thoughts that only time and space can resolve. ..but then you got into something new with someone else and you brought all those unresolved feelings and thoughts with you. You are juggling your love for your new partner and baggage from the past. It's all mixed into together and you can't tell what's what. This is dangerous for your partner because who you currently are, is influenced by your ex's presence and you have no idea what cutting her off might do to you. You don't know how those changes may affect your relationship with your partner. Your ex is not your friend. She never was. It doesn't mean you two don't care for one another. It doesn't mean you don't want the best for one another. It just means, you two cannot be friends. I know its a painful thing to hear but he reason I say this is what you are beginning to discover..that you are being slowly forced into distancing from her (Your past) to give to your future (Your new gf) and she is being forced to do the same. You are realizing that ultimately, the two of you are destined to go your separate ways. - Beach Edited January 3, 2020 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VIOLET EDEN Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Beachead said: Hey jb0023, He's the problem. You convinced yourself your ex was your friend. So you and your ex didn't didn't go your separate ways upon breaking up. You two didn't establish boundaries after the breakup and ended up blurring the lines of friendship and relationship into one. Your confidence, the love you have for your new partner, your good moods, clarity and general frame of mind is tied to your ex's presence in your life...... I disagree, you can be friends with your ex, should he have taken some time off after the breakup, yes, but that doesnt mean she isn't his friend. Many people are friends with their ex, and still carrying on relationships with their current gf/bf and still be happy without blurring the lines. Edited January 3, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 (edited) @VIOLET EDEN Yes, and I bet some of those people are suffering in ways pertaining to the lack of boundaries, that you may not be aware of. Maybe they're not even aware of it. I was a guy who advocated friendship with exes for a very long time. I would have agreed with you back then. But I've lived through experience after experience of my own, saw many people go through the same, conversed with several others and have realized similar patterns and problems, over and over again. I can't ignore that. When you have feelings and you've had a history, its a very difficult order to let it go, when its over. It takes a lot of time and space to work through it all. Grief is slow. Healing is slow. If you ignore this process, you may stick around with ulterior motives and hope of getting back together and they may not even know it. Things can get complicated and potentially ugly and you may not even know why, simply because you didn't give yourself the time and space to let yourself process the situation and your own pain and thoughts. A breakup means things are over and both people must go their separate ways. Ignoring that is precisely why the OP is on here, currently in a new relationship, but writing about his ex whom he had broken up with years ago. His mind is more so on his ex. Doesn't mean he has romantic feelings or wants her back, it just means he's unresolved. He's unresolved because she's still around. He's not the first to have this kind of problem. He won't be the last. Regarding friendship, I didn't say it was impossible. It's possible and some people do go on to have healthy, genuine friendships. But, it takes time apart to get to that point. Edited January 3, 2020 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 JB: You should show this post to your current girlfriend. Can you do that? If you can't, for some "unknown" reason, then I think you are fooling yourself. The reason you are texting your ex is you both have an expectation of getting back together in the future. I see this as a problem for your current GF. I would suggest keeping marriage off the table until you can resolve your relationship with your EX. It would not be fair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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