New here. but not new as an Other Woman - partner separating

[EEK]

Hey... I'm new here, though I'm not new to being the OW... My boyfriend and I have been on again off again for 13 years. His marriage just dissolved within the last 48 hours...(not anything to do with me) They have separated several times in the past, never while we were together tho. And now last night he has discovered evidence of multiple affairs on his wifes end as well. She doesn't know that he knows yet.  (it was just an all around toxic relationship that those 2 had) Without boring everyone with the details, his world is mess-y right now!! 

But even though I love him, more than I've ever loved anyone, (he truly is my best friend) and I want to support him, (after all his world is crashing in around him) at the same time I can't help but feel like he's getting a MASSIVE dose of karma. 

For the first time in 13 years his daughter is finally grown and graduated and we were just starting to plan our future together... And now I don't know how to proceed. My instinct is to pull away and let him handle his mess. But we all know, no contact is hard especially when I know he has no one and needs the support. I am full of questions but don't feel like it's my place to ask. Most of which he likely wouldn't have the answer to if I DID ask. 

So since this is my first time going through the separation etc... I'm just looking for suggestions and advice on how I should best move forward. 

I'm certain there won't be any reconciling this time. They stayed together for the child and now the child is an adult and with the discovery of all of her affairs and the secret bank accounts and closing of the joint accounts etc... I just don't see him going back this time. And if he does I will end my relationship with him. (I haven't told him that, but he knows my end goal for the last 2 years has been to be with him, I've just been allowing him time to get the daughter situated and stable.) So if he does take her back, I'm done. 

 

Edited January 6, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarify topic

[2BGoodAgain]

Wait... so he's been having an affair with you for 13 years and he's upset that his wife has been too?

right, it is a bit of karma. But i'm kinda curious how it messes his life? i mean, if you two have been planning a future without the current mrs., doesn't that mean, this just works out for the both of you?

Not understanding the problem here.

[Confused48]

You could be underestimating the chances that they will still be entangled for some time to come. I mean if he has been having at least one affair, starting 13 years ago, possibly many more, then they are two peas in a pod. Match made in heaven. They could still work this out. 

I see no harm in you staying involved though. (With STD testing regularly of course.) She will probably keep in touch with her latest lover too. Kind of like an open marriage but with both parties preferring that they lie to each other about it.  It is not all that uncommon. 

[EEK]

4 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

Wait... so he's been having an affair with you for 13 years and he's upset that his wife has been too?

right, it is a bit of karma. But i'm kinda curious how it messes his life? i mean, if you two have been planning a future without the current mrs., doesn't that mean, this just works out for the both of you?

Not understanding the problem here.

It's been on again off again... There were several years that we weren't together, he's had other girlfriends,  I had a 7 year relationship etc... He's not upset about her affairs per say, more so the lying, he's always been the one to come clean, she's maintained her innocence the entire time. 

I'm struggling with supporting him, but also letting him learn his lesson... 😕 

[EEK]

17 minutes ago, Confused48 said:

You could be underestimating the chances that they will still be entangled for some time to come. I mean if he has been having at least one affair, starting 13 years ago, possibly many more, then they are two peas in a pod. Match made in heaven. They could still work this out. 

I see no harm in you staying involved though. (With STD testing regularly of course.) She will probably keep in touch with her latest lover too. Kind of like an open marriage but with both parties preferring that they lie to each other about it.  It is not all that uncommon. 

He's had a few affairs over the years. At least 2 others that I know of. The last one being about 8 years ago. He has left for them and always went back to raise his daughter.  She's grown now and I know them reconciling is a small possibility but it is doubtful. 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

8 minutes ago, EEK said:

It's been on again off again... There were several years that we weren't together, he's had other girlfriends,  I had a 7 year relationship etc... He's not upset about her affairs per say, more so the lying, he's always been the one to come clean, she's maintained her innocence the entire time. 

I'm struggling with supporting him, but also letting him learn his lesson... 😕 

so currently, you guys are "off"? or "on"?

[EEK]

Just now, 2BGoodAgain said:

so currently, you guys are "off"? or "on"?

We've been "on" for the last 2 years. 

[EEK]

Just now, EEK said:

We've been "on" for the last 2 years. 

And when I say "on" I mean actually sleeping together. He's my best friend and we've maintained various levels of contact throughout the years but haven't always had a sexual relationship. 

[2BGoodAgain]

well, you should stay away during this time, but honestly.... do you trust him not to cheat on you, should you two get into a difficult time?

[stillafool]

I too don't see what the problem is.  If you guys have been wanting each other for 13 years and he finally has the divorce champagne bottles should be popping right now.  Why is it now a mess  that he found out his wife told a few lies.  He may have finally come clean to her after years of lying and cheating  and now it's messy because she told a couple lies?  What difference does that make now that the divorce is final.  What else is there to work out?  They no longer live together and the kids are grown, right?  What's the hold up?

I swear this is so typical of men who cheat.  When they find out the gander is also getting some they can't handle it.

 

[EEK]

1 minute ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

well, you should stay away during this time, but honestly.... do you trust him not to cheat on you, should you two get into a difficult time?

OK, that's my question, so I should stay away give them space? 

As for trust of him to not cheat on me, I trust him as much as I would trust any partner not to cheat on me. Everyone is capable of it, just as much as the next person. 

[EEK]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I too don't see what the problem is.  If you guys have been wanting each other for 13 years and he finally has the divorce champagne bottles should be popping right now.  Why is it now a mess  that he found out his wife told a few lies.  He may have finally come clean to her after years of lying and cheating  and now it's messy because she told a couple lies?  What difference does that make now that the divorce is final.  What else is there to work out?  They no longer live together and the kids are grown, right?  What's the hold up?

I swear this is so typical of men who cheat.  When they find out the gander is also getting some they can't handle it.

 

I've suspected the wife of cheating for years. He and I have discussed it. He truly believed (probably due to ego and because of her devout religious beliefs) that he was the only man she had ever been with. He's more upset about the lies and deceit over the financial aspect. Tho I'm certain there had to be some blow to his ego over the affairs. 

No one is popping champagne bottles, I'm very aware that there are lives that are falling apart, regardless of how dysfunctional it may have been. 

[2BGoodAgain]

47 minutes ago, EEK said:

OK, that's my question, so I should stay away give them space? 

As for trust of him to not cheat on me, I trust him as much as I would trust any partner not to cheat on me. Everyone is capable of it, just as much as the next person. 

yes, everyone is capable of it, but he's had a repeated history of it. just saying....

[Poppy47]

If I were a betting person, I would not put my money on this one.  He sounds very unstable.

Poppy

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, EEK said:

 He's more upset about the lies and deceit over the financial aspect. Tho I'm certain there had to be some blow to his ego over the affairs. 

No one is popping champagne bottles, I'm very aware that there are lives that are falling apart, regardless of how dysfunctional it may have been. 

Did you ask him why do her lies and deceit now affect him when he's being lying and cheating for 13 years (that you know of, maybe more)?  And, how can their life be falling apart now that they are finally getting a divorce.  It seems their life is just starting considering all that has gone on.  I popped champagne when my divorce was finalized.

[EEK]

29 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did you ask him why do her lies and deceit now affect him when he's being lying and cheating for 13 years (that you know of, maybe more)?  And, how can their life be falling apart now that they are finally getting a divorce.  It seems their life is just starting considering all that has gone on.  I popped champagne when my divorce was finalized.

No, I haven't asked many questions at all. I've really just tried to stay as supportive as possible. And when I say their life is falling apart, everything they have built for the last 25 years is coming apart. I'm trying to be mindful of that. Maybe once it's finalized we'll pop some champagne but right now is not the time, in my opinion. 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, EEK said:

OK, that's my question, so I should stay away give them space?

You should ask him what he wants in terms of your presence, support, etc and proceed accordingly.

Be aware that from what I understand newly divorced men have a reputation for playing the field (existing "committed" AP or no) so suggest you keep half an eye on him and don't let there be too much distance.

Edited January 4, 2020 by mark clemson

[Hip Pocket]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

You should ask him what he wants in terms of your presence, support, etc and proceed accordingly.

His input would be good but also be aware that he’ll be all over the map for a while. Some people don’t multi-task well and there’s a lot to juggle right now with changes of address, getting your name off things, setting up a spare room for when kids visit, and how to manage announcing yourself as a couple in the future months/year/whenever. I must say I handled my D swimmingly while holding my family together, seeking work, and making enough time for my MM but again, not all people handle change well. 
 

If were me I’d take a step back but let him know you are there for him. 

[EEK]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

You should ask him what he wants in terms of your presence, support, etc and proceed accordingly.

Be aware that from what I understand newly divorced men have a reputation for playing the field (existing "committed" AP or no) so suggest you keep half an eye on him and don't let there be too much distance.

He doesn't know what he wants or needs. Just that he needs all the patience, understanding and support that I can give. Whatever that "looks" like??

We've talked briefly about this in the past. I seem to think that he will regret not being "single" - he always disagreed. But I'm definitely aware of that very possibility.

[EEK]

2 hours ago, Pocket said:

His input would be good but also be aware that he’ll be all over the map for a while. Some people don’t multi-task well and there’s a lot to juggle right now with changes of address, getting your name off things, setting up a spare room for when kids visit, and how to manage announcing yourself as a couple in the future months/year/whenever. I must say I handled my D swimmingly while holding my family together, seeking work, and making enough time for my MM but again, not all people handle change well. 
 

If were me I’d take a step back but let him know you are there for him. 

"All over the map" that's what worries me. Its been such a roller coaster the last 48 hours, and I'm not the one "going through it" yet it effects my emotions and anxiety as well.  

Just the last couple hours I've decided that I need to take a step back. I can't continue to with the "play by play" messages. It's just too much for me. :( 

[Hip Pocket]

42 minutes ago, EEK said:

"All over the map" that's what worries me. Its been such a roller coaster the last 48 hours, and I'm not the one "going through it" yet it effects my emotions and anxiety as well.  

Just the last couple hours I've decided that I need to take a step back. I can't continue to with the "play by play" messages. It's just too much for me.

So stepping back would indeed be good for you. But I think you need to be the one to instill it. He needs to know that the play by play is taking its toll on you and you need to protect yourself right now. Things will fall into place soon enough. 

[stillafool]

Wasn't he already separated from the wife and had his own place before the divorce became final?  

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Wasn't he already separated from the wife and had his own place before the divorce became final?  

What divorce?

 

[SummerDreams]

I can't understand how being the back up plan for 13 years is the ideal situation for a woman. You say "all men are capable of cheating" but not all men cheat. This man has shown that he can disrespect not only the mother of his child, but also the woman who he says he loves the most since he had at least two more affairs during the time you were not together. He has shown his true colors and these colors suck in my eyes, yet you have chosen to spend your life with this man. I mean, no self respect? Nothing?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

What divorce?

 

Well she said it "dissolved" and I assumed that meant "divorce" but now I don't know.  Is he just separated OP?