New here. but not new as an Other Woman - partner separating

[elaine567]

You honestly see nothing wrong in this guy promising he was leaving and that he and EEK would be together in a committed out-in-the open relationship, to find he is actually now trying to reconcile with his wife....

[Hip Pocket]

14 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You honestly see nothing wrong in this guy promising he was leaving and that he and EEK would be together in a committed out-in-the open relationship, to find he is actually now trying to reconcile with his wife....

We’ve seen countless men (and sometimes women) make plans to leave but freak out when it actually happens. I’m not going to fault him for freaking out, going through stress, or having a meltdown during a difficult time. That would be akin to blaming someone who’s going through a disturbing time or even suffering from a mental health episode. Once the dust settles he’ll be back to his normal self where he can make normal decisions. 

[carhill]

When he leaves he loses power. Some, generally most, men like power and don't willingly cede it to a real or perceived enemy/adversary. Of course it's all civilized and pleasant couched in flowery language and words of endearment. In other words, BS. Welcome to the human race. 👍 Sorry you're going through this OP, seen it many times and dealt with it myself in past decades. Once one accepts the real and processes out expectations (you and me forever baby!, etc, etc.) life gets easier. Not perfect, but easier. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 1/9/2020 at 10:34 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think he genuinely is ready to divorce his wife, OP. 

He thought he was until he realized she'd been cheating on him, too. Now that the tables have turned, he is realizing how much he doesn't want her out of his life. That doesn't bode well for a future between you two. 

My guess is that this is the beginning of the definitive end for you and him. 

Do you think his perceived value of his wife increased after realizing other men wanted her? Or that he wanted the exclusive privilege of catbird seat but now realizes that was a farce since wife was having her own EA's? I'm genuinely interested in how you arrived at your conclusion about the tables turning makes him reevaluate. Thx!

[Beentheretoooften]

A lot of advice that is given here says an MM/MW once they leave their M and go with AP, that the fantasy ends.  Once bills, reality, arguments etc come into play the love story ends.   My question is, these MM/MW’s that have been M for years and years and have made it through those same bills, reality and arguments, what is different about the 2 scenario’s ?  Why have they been able to do it in the M, but no doubt fail it in much shorter time in relationship #2?   

[EEK]

14 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said:

A lot of advice that is given here says an MM/MW once they leave their M and go with AP, that the fantasy ends.  Once bills, reality, arguments etc come into play the love story ends.   My question is, these MM/MW’s that have been M for years and years and have made it through those same bills, reality and arguments, what is different about the 2 scenario’s ?  Why have they been able to do it in the M, but no doubt fail it in much shorter time in relationship #2?   

not that it matters much at this point but my MM would always worry that I wouldn't want to stick it out with him once the daily grind set in. I was reassuring him quite often actually that I wanted him for the good days and the bad days. I wanted all of it. I wanted boring nights sitting on the sofa watching the news with him. I wanted getting drive thru dinners with him. I wanted grocery shopping with him. That was my love story.....  

[Beentheretoooften]

3 minutes ago, EEK said:

not that it matters much at this point but my MM would always worry that I wouldn't want to stick it out with him once the daily grind set in. I was reassuring him quite often actually that I wanted him for the good days and the bad days. I wanted all of it. I wanted boring nights sitting on the sofa watching the news with him. I wanted getting drive thru dinners with him. I wanted grocery shopping with him. That was my love story.....  

Doesn’t that eventually get old??? It sounds so perfect and believe me, i totally understand where you are coming from. But doesn’t it become the same?  Doesn’t every LTR become like you just described? Frustrating for sure. 

[SummerDreams]

This story seems to me typical of the double standards men have. We have seen in here so many times that a man who used to sleep with many women before marriage becomes frustrated once he find out that his wife also used to sleep with many men before marriage. Lets not forget that some decades ago women should be virgins in order to get married (in some places in our planet they still do ). So this man here was OK with sleeping with other women while he was married but he freaked out when he found his wife was doing the same. 😕

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, EEK said:

not that it matters much at this point but my MM would always worry that I wouldn't want to stick it out with him once the daily grind set in

He was not worried that YOU would not be able to stick it out, he was worried that HE would not be able to stick it out with you.
My guess, he wants a "mistress", he wants to keep playing the fantasy, he does not need or want another wife... 

As he is a serial cheater he gets bored, he needs excitement. He had his long suffering wife and you (or some other woman) on the side. Perfect. 
Now his wife is gone and you want to play house with him. Nightmare.                
He needs to get back to the status quo, so that means getting his wife back first and then persuading you to stay as #2.
 

[elaine567]

I don't believe he will go to therapy. My guess he is driven by what is best for himself, he doesn't want or need someone to tell him he is wrong.
He will either get his wife back, or if he can't achieve that' then he will fall back in line with EEK to try to make the best of it...
If all fails he will just find some other woman...

[anika99]

18 hours ago, Pocket said:

Once the dust settles he’ll be back to his normal self where he can make normal decisions. 

His normal self is the guy who can deceive and cheat and have multiple affairs. Is that the normal self the OP should lovingly and patiently wait for? He needs to stop being his normal self and stop being enabled by women to be a self serving jerk. 

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

         He needs to get back to the status quo, so that means getting his wife back first and then persuading you to stay as #2.

I'm not sure how conscious/deliberate he's being about it, but given what happened I suspect Elaine's right and this will be the end state he eventually tries to recreate.

He may oscillate a few times between wanting to go and wanting to stay with his wife. (What he wants and what his wife may be willing to do/accept are two different matters.)

IF he and his wife cannot reconcile then he may want to come to you (IF you'll still have him by then). BUT it's also possible he'll survey his options and decide to play the field a bit. So be prepared for that possibility.

 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not sure how conscious/deliberate he's being about it

He has not left, his wife left the family home quite unexpectedly.
He has since told the OP he has tried to "reconcile " a few times, but his wife atm does not want to reconcile with him.
The OP is atm "done" with him, I hope she can stay away and out of this mess.

[mark clemson]

@elaine567  Yep, I was aware of all that.

Edited January 15, 2020 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

@elaine567  Yep, I was aware of all that.

So what did you mean when  you said?

20 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not sure how conscious/deliberate he's being about it,

 

[mark clemson]

My guess (and it's only a guess) is that he's reacting emotionally to the prospect of losing his safe, secure home base and what he's used to, etc. Along the lines of what Pocket said a few posts up - right now he's "freaking out" a bit. So, yes he wants to recreate what he had but it's not necessarily a logical, methodical, project plan type approach. He's in "reaction mode".

Once he has wife back, he can eventually focus on poor EEK. Whether she's left the mess behind by then is up to her (but yes, walking away and seeking something more healthy, if she is able to, is almost certainly the right move here).

[spiritedaway2003]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

He may oscillate a few times between wanting to go and wanting to stay with his wife. (What he wants and what his wife may be willing to do/accept are two different matters.)

IF he and his wife cannot reconcile then he may want to come to you (IF you'll still have him by then). BUT it's also possible he'll survey his options and decide to play the field a bit. So be prepared for that possibility.

It's normal to oscillate when someone is trying to figure to save a long term relationship or not.  I went through something similar with my MM.  It's a big decision and he needs to work it out on his own with wife.  What Mark says is on the spot.  OP, I'd advise you stay away during this period of confusion in his life. 

[Hip Pocket]

5 hours ago, anika99 said:

His normal self is the guy who can deceive and cheat and have multiple affairs. Is that the normal self the OP should lovingly and patiently wait for? He needs to stop being his normal self and stop being enabled by women to be a self serving jerk. 

I’m sure both Eek and BW can decide for themselves if he’s worth keeping around. 

[Prudence V]

19 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Once bills, reality, arguments etc come into play the love story ends.

If it’s fantasy, yes. If it’s not, then this makes no difference. The difficulty for an OW is spotting which one she’s dealing with. 

[Prudence V]

18 hours ago, EEK said:

I was reassuring him quite often actually that I wanted him for the good days and the bad days. I wanted all of it.

EEK I’m guessing your BF /xBF / whatever you class him as now is a good compartmentaliser, and that he has you pigeonholed in one way and struggles to see you out of that pigeonhole. So he can’t associate you with the boring stuff, and imagines you’d get bored. And so he needs to fill the boring role again, and who better than the boring person who filled it before (aka BW)? 
 

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This is a man who doesn’t adapt well to change. I hope he gets some counselling, or something to help him handle his issues better. 

[EEK]

25 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This is a man who doesn’t adapt well to change. I hope he gets some counselling, or something to help him handle his issues better. 

You are spot on with that. He does not do well with change. He's got a routine and when that gets upset he's like a fish out of water.

I don't know what I classify him as at the moment... I haven't said anything about my being done, I've just quietly stepped backwards into the shadows.... I'm trying to come to terms with it and accept it and get my feet firmly on the ground before I have that conversation cause I know I'll get sucked back in. So right now I'm just digesting and wrapping my brain around us not having a future together... 

I think there are nuggets of truth that have been said by some of you all here, but it's also hard to hear people vilify him. I want to defend him cause he's not a bad person. But there isn't much point in defending him to strangers on a forum.

I'm just sad... 

[Allupinnit]

I don't think that most people starting out in affairs are "bad."  I think at some point or another one or both of you ignored the guardrails that we need in our lives that keep us from making disasters out of our families and walking around with broken hearts and painful longing.  Life is meant to be lived so much more abundantly, but if we give into every whim and desire regardless of what we know the consequences to be, this is the ultimate result - a disastrous wake of broken hearts, families, and marriages.  Please know that I mean that to be true with MANY aspects of our lives.  We sell ourselves on bad financial decisions, too.  Bad relational decisions.  Bad professional decisions - if we're not very careful.  But there is just something about that betrayal in a marriage that REALLY drives people to the edge emotionally - for good reason.

 

 

 

Edited January 16, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Tangentially topical material retained.

[Hip Pocket]

18 hours ago, EEK said:

You are spot on with that. He does not do well with change. He's got a routine and when that gets upset he's like a fish out of water.

I don't know what I classify him as at the moment... I haven't said anything about my being done, I've just quietly stepped backwards into the shadows.... I'm trying to come to terms with it and accept it and get my feet firmly on the ground before I have that conversation cause I know I'll get sucked back in. So right now I'm just digesting and wrapping my brain around us not having a future together... 

I think there are nuggets of truth that have been said by some of you all here, but it's also hard to hear people vilify him. I want to defend him cause he's not a bad person. But there isn't much point in defending him to strangers on a forum.

I'm just sad... 

All MM, even those who’ve planned on leaving for a long time, have difficulty leaving for various reasons. 

Edited January 16, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HadMeOverABarrel]

3 hours ago, EEK said:

You are spot on with that. He does not do well with change. He's got a routine and when that gets upset he's like a fish out of water.

I don't know what I classify him as at the moment... I haven't said anything about my being done, I've just quietly stepped backwards into the shadows.... I'm trying to come to terms with it and accept it and get my feet firmly on the ground before I have that conversation cause I know I'll get sucked back in. So right now I'm just digesting and wrapping my brain around us not having a future together... 

I think there are nuggets of truth that have been said by some of you all here, but it's also hard to hear people vilify him. I want to defend him cause he's not a bad person. But there isn't much point in defending him to strangers on a forum.

I'm just sad... 

Personally I think it maybe good to defend him here if it's what you feel for two reasons: 1) it will help you process your feelings by getting the words written in front of you and 2) it will serve as a record for how your feelings and perspective progress with time. If you don't write it here, hopefully you will in a private journal. 

[Daisydooks]

@EEK to this day, you have survived 100% of the things you thought would kill you. Look at you living and s***! 

This will be no different. Sending love. Chin up!!!