New here. but not new as an Other Woman - partner separating

[elaine567]

So he could be still in touch or even going over to see her?

[elaine567]

I was hoping for your sake she had gone off with an OM, but it doesn't sound like it.'

[EEK]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So he could be still in touch or even going over to see her?

He could still be in touch with her, I would have no idea. I haven't asked him. It wouldn't bother me if he was in contact with her honestly. I am sure there are logistics that need to be discussed between the 2 of them. If he takes her back, he takes her back and then I walk away. Which will crush me, (but as I tell myself all the time, I've been through worse) 

In years past we still kept in touch even when I was in a relationship and he had his other affair partner we were still friends, even though we kept our distance from each other. But I won't be friends with him if he takes her back. I CAN'T be "just friends" with him again. 

It's either her or me. I'll give him time to sort it out, but I'm not interested in sharing him any longer. 

[2BGoodAgain]

Just now, EEK said:

He could still be in touch with her, I would have no idea. I haven't asked him. It wouldn't bother me if he was in contact with her honestly. I am sure there are logistics that need to be discussed between the 2 of them. If he takes her back, he takes her back and then I walk away. Which will crush me, (but as I tell myself all the time, I've been through worse) 

In years past we still kept in touch even when I was in a relationship and he had his other affair partner we were still friends, even though we kept our distance from each other. But I won't be friends with him if he takes her back. I CAN'T be "just friends" with him again. 

It's either her or me. I'll give him time to sort it out, but I'm not interested in sharing him any longer. 

good for you.

value yourself.

[Tristian]

Folks, While I start the second clean-up of off topic content here I'd like to direct your attention to what may be my new favorite feature of the new Loveshack. Notice the large orange box at the top of the page that nobody is going to be able to pretend they didn't see? Good. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

 

[pepperbird]

It sounds like he might need some time to process all of this. It's one thing for separation/ divorce to be discussed, it;s another to be actually going through the process.

Has he considered getting some counseling for himself and maybe the two of you as well, or are you waiting to see where the proverbial chips fall?

[EEK]

On 1/11/2020 at 9:29 AM, pepperbird said:

It sounds like he might need some time to process all of this. It's one thing for separation/ divorce to be discussed, it;s another to be actually going through the process.

Has he considered getting some counseling for himself and maybe the two of you as well, or are you waiting to see where the proverbial chips fall?

He has always thought counseling was a joke.  There it's no way he would agree to go.  He has always told me it is a waste of money. his wife went to counseling years ago after  the first affair was discovered and he refused to go with her.  

[Prudence V]

21 hours ago, EEK said:

his wife went to counseling years ago after  the first affair was discovered and he refused to go with her.  

I can understand this, if he wasn’t invested in that R and was merely waiting it out until his child was old enough. 
 

but this

 

21 hours ago, EEK said:

There it's no way he would agree to go. 

would worry me. If he’s actually invested in a R with you, and wants to learn better coping strategies and ways of relating, but isn’t prepared to invest in learning them... I would question how committed he was. 

[EEK]

I definitely don't think counseling is a bad idea. And maybe once things progress a little further with us I'll bring it up to him, but I've kinda stepped back to just let him make heads or tails of his life. I don't want to overwhelm him more than he already is. I don't think now is the right time.  

[Prudence V]

16 hours ago, EEK said:

just let him make heads or tails of his life.

Counselling could help with that too...?

[EEK]

Update... It's not quite been 2 weeks since she walked out but I asked him last night if there's been any talk of reconciliation. He and I have always been 100% honest with each other even when it's hard to hear. This was definitely hard to hear.  He said he's tried a few times to get her to come back and she's done. He said she's been done for a long time and she's not coming back. 

That surprised me. 

Not the part about her being done and not coming back but the part about him asking her to come back. "A FEW TIMES". I asked if he wanted her back and he said "sometimes I think I do".  This really surprised me. 

I asked if he regretted our affair, he said he didn't know. 

I thanked him for his honesty and now I am done. 

It's clear to me that if he is asking her to reconcile "a few times" - I'm not what he wants. 

It's clear to me that if "he doesn't know" if he regrets the affair then part of him does. If he regrets the affair then he regrets me. 

I feel bad walking out on him right after his wife did but his feelings obviously aren't what I thought they were. 

I'm sad. I feel like I have an elephant standing on a ball in the middle of my chest. But I just keep telling myself, I've survived worse..... 

 

 

[SummerDreams]

I'm really sorry to hear this update. I think you have all the answers you need to make the decision and move forward without him. I think a therapist would help you a lot. Please don't stop posting, we are here for you. Virtual hugs.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 hour ago, EEK said:

Update... It's not quite been 2 weeks since she walked out but I asked him last night if there's been any talk of reconciliation. He and I have always been 100% honest with each other even when it's hard to hear. This was definitely hard to hear.  He said he's tried a few times to get her to come back and she's done. He said she's been done for a long time and she's not coming back. 

That surprised me. 

Not the part about her being done and not coming back but the part about him asking her to come back. "A FEW TIMES". I asked if he wanted her back and he said "sometimes I think I do".  This really surprised me. 

I asked if he regretted our affair, he said he didn't know. 

I thanked him for his honesty and now I am done. 

It's clear to me that if he is asking her to reconcile "a few times" - I'm not what he wants. 

It's clear to me that if "he doesn't know" if he regrets the affair then part of him does. If he regrets the affair then he regrets me. 

I feel bad walking out on him right after his wife did but his feelings obviously aren't what I thought they were. 

I'm sad. I feel like I have an elephant standing on a ball in the middle of my chest. But I just keep telling myself, I've survived worse..... 

 

 

I'm sorry to read this Eek. In the least he's in a very confused state right now. Huge changes can be unsettling. I think he doesn't know what he wants. He's just trying to unravel what's going on around him that's beyond his control. Please don't take this as a sign that you were somehow inferior, that your times together didn't count, or that you were not important to him. Do see that right now being around him while he's sorting through everything is probably not going to be healthy for you. It's interesting, for lack of a better word, that the fallout in his life has rippled as a fallout in your life. I can see how you (and anyone in your position) may have felt a new, better chapter for you both might be just around the corner...then this. You do need to step away for a bit. One of you may reach out to the other after the dust settles. Above all else, do what is best for you. Sending you a big hug!

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

 I think he doesn't know what he wants. He's just trying to unravel what's going on around him that's beyond his control. Please don't take this as a sign that you were somehow inferior, that your times together didn't count, or that you were not important to him.

I tend to agree.  And agree that it's time to step back. If you're done, you're done, c'est la vie. It clear he has a hard time pinning down what he wants and if he's newly single and remotely a good catch there may be a temptation for him to play the field. IF that starts happening its not something you want to put yourself through I think.

Edited January 14, 2020 by mark clemson

[EEK]

I did think happier times were around the corner for us. I thought easier times were around the corner for us. I thought actual "dates" were around the corner for us. I had so many hopes and dreams for us. I love this man, all of his terrible faults included. But if I'm not the one he can't see himself living without, then why stay?  I'll just quietly walk away broken heart in hand. 

It sure feels like I wasn't enough..... 

[anika99]

Quote

It's clear to me that if he is asking her to reconcile "a few times" - I'm not what he wants. 

He wanted you but he also always wanted his wife. His plan all along was to stay married and have an OW. I think that's true for most MM who cheat for years. The ones who leave usually leave very early in the affair when they are still totally infatuated with the OW and their marriage is still in a the low point that led to the affair in the first place. Once the affair goes on for years the MM usually begins to see that there are flaws in the OW too and that leaving his wife for her isn't magically going to fix all his problems or make all his dreams come true. They realize that they don't really want a divorce but they have also become comfortable with having an affair and having 2 women. They have become entitled because cheating corrupts people's sense of right and wrong. This guy needs to lose both women because he needs to be knocked of his pedestal so that his moral compass gets a reset.

[EEK]

8 minutes ago, anika99 said:

He wanted you but he also always wanted his wife. His plan all along was to stay married and have an OW. 

I think you might be right about that.

[2BGoodAgain]

31 minutes ago, EEK said:

I did think happier times were around the corner for us. I thought easier times were around the corner for us. I thought actual "dates" were around the corner for us. I had so many hopes and dreams for us. I love this man, all of his terrible faults included. But if I'm not the one he can't see himself living without, then why stay?  I'll just quietly walk away broken heart in hand. 

It sure feels like I wasn't enough..... 

the funny thing about words is that they're easy... 

my AP and I planned a lot of things we thought we wanted to do... and i genuinely wanted them, but its such a slice of reality... it didn't include the reality of her kids in our relationship, the financial difficulties, the personal issues... b/c that's reality, but talk is all we did.. i'm sure we meant it, but not the whole thing. 

In the end, talk without actions is just fantasy... i mean, he may actually wanted the dates, etc... but reality is, it was a fantasy compared to the real arguments/reality of his life/marriage... 

reality = everything... the good and the bad and the ugly... you were a great escape for him, for that sliver of his life that was not going to how he interpreted happiness, but that's all it was...

it starts that way, anyway... over time, with communication, fights, compromises, you make reality into something hopefully where happiness can be shared by both sides.. but that's reality, and if he can't do it in his life(make it work, or end it), the chances of him doing it in yours, is slim to none.

warning: from his side, he's going to go from one end to the other... one day he'll regret/wanna get back together with her, ... other days, he may run to you for comfort, etc... also known as rebound... only you can decide if you're just his rebound, after his wife left... or if he's running to you as a choice.

Good luck to you, i don't envy the hurt you'll go thru, but there IS an end to the pain/lonliness that you may go thru. Keep your mind on that, as you go thru the ups and downs... you'll hopefully grow thru this time.. and come out better and have a better understanding of what love/goals you truly want in your life...

 

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

58 minutes ago, EEK said:

I did think happier times were around the corner for us. I thought easier times were around the corner for us. I thought actual "dates" were around the corner for us. I had so many hopes and dreams for us. I love this man, all of his terrible faults included. But if I'm not the one he can't see himself living without, then why stay?  I'll just quietly walk away broken heart in hand. 

It sure feels like I wasn't enough..... 

I'd like to share some of my personal experiences on this when I have time later to reflect on it. Meanwhile, try your very best not to personalize this. I realize that seems impossible. One point to remember is he's been accustomed to being in the driver's seat all these years. He's the only one among you, him, and his wife to have known the truth of your relationships and situations. He controlled what he wanted each of you to believe. It's a heady, powerful feeling to be in that position.

Now, all of a sudden, his wife has left the scene. She has taken control of that part of the arrangement. She has rebuffed all of his attempts to regain control and get her back into 'her position.' As a result, he's disoriented. He's feeling very out of control with the whole thing. The last thing you want is to stick around and bear the brunt of his frustration and emotions. You could become the default punching bag.

What he needs is for you to step aside and give him plenty of space, so he hopefully will eventually look around to see it's just him standing there...to realize he made certain choices, those choices have consequences, and he now has to own up to the responsibility of them. If you're standing by, it will be all too easy for him to try to unload that responsibility onto you. He'd blameshift to you, making it your fault in his mind that his marriage imploded.

Don't let that happen. Take care of you. Let him handle his growing pains on his own. He's a grown man. This will either build his character or crush him. That can't happen if you're waiting in the wings. Later, if he truly genuinely cares for you as you deserve, he will seek you...but don't wait around! Live your life to the fullest possible. If he comes round, you'll be in a better headspace to determine if he's a better man and the right man for you after all.

Edited January 14, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[elaine567]

For thirteen years he never actually chose you.
Even after 2 years of "planning to leave" with you, AND his wife actually walking out on him, he still did not choose you.
He did not melt into your arms...NO he was pining for his wife.
I think you have waited long enough and put up with enough from this man.
Who cares if after a while he decides to come looking for you?
It will just be because he is "desperate" , and no doubt once he "recovers", he will need to add another woman to the mix at some point...You will be the wife he is cheating on or you will continue as the OW whilst he sources a new wife or persuades the old wife to take him back ... 

This is no reflection of your worth, this is just about who he is.
Guys with 25 years marriages and a history of serial cheating, are never people you pin any hopes upon.
You let  the fact he was "your best friend" and your ",love" get in the way of seeing him for who he really is.

Hugs.

Edited January 14, 2020 by elaine567

[Starswillshine]

I am really sorry EEK. I agree with the other posters who said do not let this define your worth. This is true. What he is doing, did, etc does not dictate the value you bring. 

Also, I do want to point out, you do seem to understand you have value and worth. Hold on tight to that. Hugs to you. 

[Hip Pocket]

Eek, transitions are tough even on the man who wants to leave. Sometimes the “choice” isn’t about love; it’s about honor, duty, family, self-image, feeling like a failure if you don’t make it work and so on. You can give him time without walking away. Try not to be fatalistic, don’t kick him when he’s down. Men handle D much differently than women. I know it hurts but don’t ask him to define your R when his head is swimming with all of these changes. 

[EEK]

I'm not ignoring everyone... I'm just so heartbroken right now I don't know what to say. And trying to not cry at the office.  Just got to hold it together til lunch comes, then I can fall apart for a whole hour and then pick myself back up.... 

[elaine567]

42 minutes ago, Pocket said:

Men handle D much differently than women.

There is no mention of divorce here.
His wife has walked out, and he is desperately trying to persuade her to come back...
How much more of this disrespect do you really want EEK to suffer here?
Of course she needs to walk away and fast... and never look back.

[Hip Pocket]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

There is no mention of divorce here.
His wife has walked out, and he is desperately trying to persuade her to come back...
How much more of this disrespect do you really want EEK to suffer here?
Of course she needs to walk away and fast... and never look back.

What disrespect?