Pregnant wife giving me silent treatment over an argument

[asvvv]

2 days ago my wife(4 months pregnant) and i were traveling to my hometown for some document stuff and on the road i had an argument with the turnboy(man in his 50s) on the bus which evolved into a quick physical fight but other passengers broke up the fight.

the man was mad at the way i was sitting ( i was leaning my laps as usual against the seat in front of me where noone was sitting) i'm quite tall and i always travel like this and never had a problem before. but this man angrily told me not to sit like this and im littering the seat. I checked if im littering but no i wasnt and i told him no im not littering where is the dirt? show me the dirt and he was going away and said to me "you dont know how to sit like a man blabla " and i answered what do you want to say? U say im not a man? he didnt say no and kept speaking trash and i said i will keep my legs like i want. we both unnecessarily increased the tension out of that small issue and i threw at him the water in my hand and he punched me(was a weak one) and i tried to punch him back but passengers blocked me and im not sure if i could hit. then people calmed us and we both kept silent till the end of travel( i continued keeping my legs as they were).

I was so angry but i didnt continue fight because we had things to do and my wife was near me. After we fought my wife didnt speak with me at all on the bus. then we just spoke about our documents and we got our work done with the documents but she was so cold to me. it was understandable from all her short answers but i dont want to tell so much unnecessary details. then i finally asked her why she was silent first she denied she is silent but then said she is not in the mood and then i asked if it was because of the fight on the bus and she opened up and started to yell at me about my behaviour in the bus.

she was blaming me and defending that man. she was showing me 100% guilty. i mean i can agree i shouldnt have reacted so sharp maybe but the man provoked me too. i told her he provoked me but she defended him and said that i provoked him and im not normal im a psycho etc. i was keeping explaining myself but she kept saying the man is right im wrong and kept saying me "neadekvatniy"(it means person who is not normal, who has inadequacy) and i told her if im so crazy as you show then you wont live with me and you will be happy. and she told me live alone. these words are said out of anger in the argument ofcourse.

then she went into a market and i kept coming with her but she was not paying attention to me and moving away and after a while of chasing after her i told her l""ook if you wont speak to me im going". and she said go and i went. That night she slept in my aunts' house. next day she came home. i opened the door but she even didnt look at my face. she is completely ignoring me and giving me silent treatment. i asked her what she wants me to buy from market for her in an effort to speak with her. she coldly says i dont want anything and she completely ignores me and acts so cold to me that its impossible to speak with her. İ know her, she wont speak with me before i beg her and say thousand times im sorry. but i dont even feel sorry for fighting with that man. it was just an unimportant stupid fight. im just sorry that i told her live without me if you think im crazy. but that was after her constant blaming me and showing me like a crazy person. Sorry for my mistakes in english. waiting for your comments.

Edited January 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What is a turnboy?  Is he the person who drives the bus?

[mark clemson]

My guess would be she is unhappy because you are taking risks that she believes are not necessary to take. You may feel otherwise, but she needs you around to protect her and soon your infant child. It's not so much about taking sides (I think) as about it not escalating to a situation where you could get seriously hurt and all 3 of you (she, you, baby) would become vulnerable. Her ability to "defend" is reduced, so she needs you to start being more willing to back down/take fewer risks.

That's my read on it anyhow.

[asvvv]

the word turnboy i used in the meaning "assistant who gives water etc to the passengers"

Edited January 4, 2020 by asvvv

[asvvv]

11 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

My guess would be she is unhappy because you are taking risks that she believes are not necessary to take. You may feel otherwise, but she needs you around to protect her and soon your infant child. It's not so much about taking sides (I think) as about it not escalating to a situation where you could get seriously hurt and all 3 of you (she, you, baby) would become vulnerable. Her ability to "defend" is reduced, so she needs you to start being more willing to back down/take fewer risks.

That's my read on it anyhow.

First, there was no way he can hurt me or anyone because im much stronger than him(im 27 and bodybuilder and the man is old). i was sure i would beat him easily. I would not put my wife in such a risk. Second, she didnt tell me that she is worried about our health and some damage could happen to us, if she told this way there wouldnt be any problem. All she spoke about was im a crazy not normal man starting fight while the man is completely right

[mark clemson]

Don't know then. Perhaps she's worried that you have a temper and will have a "short fuse" with the kid? Kids can be quite stressful and frustrating. Again I'm just guessing.

Perhaps it's just that she thought this whole thing shouldn't have escalated to a fight and there nothing "deeper" than that to it?

At any rate, she's showing you she's unhappy. Consider asking her if there is a way she'd like you to change your behavior specifically in terms of what happened. Not sure you want to do that in a way that isn't very careful (opens the door to a lot of criticisms, potentially) but consider it.

For me, the "silent treatment", when it occurs tends to blow over in a day. Hopefully that will happen with you as well.

[Brennan72]

You are going to be a father soon: stop getting into juvenile brawls with strangers.

yes I know, the guy was antagonizing you, but you need to find a way to brush him off without causing an incident. There are times when you might need to fight--this was not one of them.

I've ben in similar situations, and I've let my temper get the best of me, but I always feel like an undisciplined fool later.

Apologize to your wife, and tell her you will be more disciplined in the future. That is all it takes 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So is the turnboy employed by the bus company?  Asked you to put your feet down (I'm not understanding how you were sitting)?  Your ego got the best of you and you started a fight by throwing your water at him?  The water he had just given you?

You deserve for your wife to be cross with you.  You were immature.

[asvvv]

5 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

So is the turnboy employed by the bus company?  Asked you to put your feet down (I'm not understanding how you were sitting)?  Your ego got the best of you and you started a fight by throwing your water at him?  The water he had just given you?

You deserve for your wife to be cross with you.  You were immature.

He didnt ask. he said in imperative mood. and was angrily saying that im littering the seat. but i was not littering.  if he kindly asked i would just remove my knees

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

8 minutes ago, asvvv said:

He didnt ask. he said in imperative mood. and was angrily saying that im littering the seat. but i was not littering.  if he kindly asked i would just remove my knees

It doesn't matter how he asked.  You assaulted him.  Of course your wife was embarrassed.

[schlumpy]

Do you have problems like this with other people all the time? Is this a rare event or is she getting fed up with it? She may have felt publicly humiliated. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You can't be acting like that in front of your pregnant wife... Like you sound like you are 16, throwing water at someone? Really? If you are not mature enough to walk away from an argument, how the hell can this person trust you to raise another human being? 

[Banana Bender]

Wow, ok, so the bus company employs some poor old geezer to hand out water and generally try to keep order on the bus.  He gives you some water and tells you to get your feet off the seat, and you respond by starting a fight?

You mention that you are a body builder and boast of your ability to beat-up the old man.  So can we assume from this that you have been abusing steroids?
Because roids or meth are pretty much the only explanation for your behaviour.  
If you pulled that stunt in my country, there would have been a police welcoming-committee waiting for you at the next stop.

Your poor wife has now realised she has married a brain-damaged neanderthal.  Don't be surprised when you come back to an empty home and find she has left you and is filing for divorce.

[Veronica73]

You threw water at an old man and tried to punch him?

All over the way you were sitting? 

[thefooloftheyear]

11 hours ago, asvvv said:

First, there was no way he can hurt me or anyone because im much stronger than him(im 27 and bodybuilder and the man is old). i was sure i would beat him easily. I would not put my wife in such a risk. Second, she didnt tell me that she is worried about our health and some damage could happen to us, if she told this way there wouldnt be any problem. All she spoke about was im a crazy not normal man starting fight while the man is completely right

Don't be so sure about that....I've seen old guys kick the asses of younger men many times...Its got nothing to do with physical strength all the time..Heck , when my dad was in his 60's he knocked a guy out(maybe late 20's ?) at a diner we were in because my dad asked him to stop cursing in front of the kids and he told my dad to eff off...One punch...Kid went out cold..Now ill admit in hindsight maybe my dad should have taken us out of there and not engaged with this rude a hole,. but that's not the point.. In your case,.I wasn't there, and I don't know for all I know the water guy was disabled,. but just don't go around thinking because you are on gear and can bench heavy that you cant get your ass kicked....Like I said...seen it happen....

Its great to be physically strong and all, but save it for the guy that's robbing your house or trying to hurt your family...No one likes a dick that just pops off at nothing .  A real man knows restraint and chooses battles wisely...Your wife is acting correctly here and probably is wondering what kind of idiot she's carrying a baby for..

All that said, its not something that should wreck your life...Apologize to her and learn from this...maybe even try to find that guy and shake his hand and apologize to him too.. Learn from this and use it as a life lesson...I am sure she will get over it, but only if you handle it the right way.. Remember..You got a kid coming now...A little person that is going to need you to be there for them always...Its time to grow up, man..

TFY

Edited January 4, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[PinkFlamingo]

As a woman, I totally understand your wife and I'd say she is damn smart to not sugarcoat your behavior. So many women look for excuses when their husband loses his temper over small things and then it gets worse. Somebody was cross with you and you wanted to beat him up? And you threw things around? That is very immature and shows a serious lack of control.

That was very likely not the first time you behaved like that since she also called you a psycho. I feel very uncomfortable around people who shout around and get physical, because it makes me afraid that I will be the next collateral damage. Most women will probably have similar feelings. Even if your wife was not the target of your anger here, you might have hurt her, the baby, and other people in your vicinity. And since you are her partner, she probably also thought that whatever you did, was a reflection of her. You behaved like a jerk in front of all the other passengers and thus embarrassed her, too, because she is your partner. And you are not even reasonable afterwards to understand what kind of s***ty thing you did!

I once read an article about a project where they brought victims of a crime and the offenders together to talk. There was one big guy who said after the conversation that he never realized how threatening he appeared to people and what the psychological effects had been on his victim. Maybe you should sit down and imagine that it was someone else sitting there and going after the turnboy after being reprimanded for a minor thing. Or imagine it was your wife behaving like a mad  woman and attacking someone because she felt insulted. Or your mother screaming in public at the waitress. TYou might still insist that your situation was special and different and you were absolutely justified to behave the way you did, but then I do hope your wife will not hesitate to do what is best for her and the baby.

[preraph]

You're not the one who makes the rules on the bus, so you were out of line all around. 

[bachdude]

I'm just wondering how a grown man (you are almost 30) gets into a physical fight on a bus over absolutely nothing where other passengers have to break it up. What's the matter with you? Yeah, your wife is legitimately concerned - anyone would be -  especially with a kid on the way. You have a temper and zero self control and one day it's going to land you deep trouble, especially since you likely have a lot of power behind your punch.  I'm talking legal fees, criminal charges, and your kid visiting you behind bars. Think long and hard about that before your throw the next punch. You are long past the 'boys will be boys' excuse you got in junior high school on the playground. As an adult they slap charges on you.

[fromheart]

I can see both sides here.  He could have asked you politely.  He doesn't need to come over and give you disrespect. 

The best way to handle it, 'Look, I don't mind moving my legs but if you wouldn't mind speaking with a bit of respect.  I'm sitting here quietly with my pregnant wife.'

And if he starts shouting and acting in a derogatory fashion, as a big strong guy  you can just be calm and speak calmly.  As you said, there's nothing to fear.  If you start loosing your cool as well, then its now 2 guys who have lost their cool and that's when a problem starts.

Remain calm, and be ready for a physical threat.  That's usually enough.  It gives a presence that deters many people.  And this isn't a street thug, its a middle aged guy who probably hates his job and life.  You're a young man with your whole life in front of you.  If you had hit him, you may now be having to prove to a judge it was self defense.  To be honest, this situation could have landed you in prison.

I've done martial arts much of my life.  I hit hard.  I'm very careful who I hit, because if I seriously injured some middle aged man who's only crime was to have a mouth, I'd feel terrible.  And picking up the soap is pretty bad also. 

I'd consider if you could have handled it differently.  You've had training, but you need a more relaxed mindset.  

[basil67]

Violence is bad at the best of times, but you attacked a man who you perceived to be weaker than you.   That's a seriously low act.  I'd be disgusted in you if I was your wife.

[Atwood]

That situation is unwanted at the best of times, let alone when you’re pregnant and already feeling vulnerable. I can only speak for myself, but I’ve never found willingness to be violent a positive attribute in anybody, especially not my partner. You’re supposed to be a team and you’re supposed to be a safe place for each other. How can she feel safe with you if you’re escalating disagreements to violence? You showed her that your priority was your feelings and not protecting your family - that guy or anyone around you could have had a weapon. 

[chillii]

Sounds like the d'head asked for it but none the less , sometimes they just don't look at it like that.

Once we were on the grass and some dudes started slow drives past , window down staring. l said something one got out fight started , she didn't talk to me for a week, couldn't work it out it wasn't my fault dudes doing that crap need it imo. She didn't see it that way gave me the shyts tbh.  but at the same time she just didn't want me fighting like that.

Told a female friend she said l hope you kicked his ass hate the way guys do that shyt , so it just goes to show , different people.

Anyway , ride it out , you'll probably both laugh about it in a few weeks.

Edited January 6, 2020 by chillii

[JTSW]

On 1/4/2020 at 1:06 AM, asvvv said:

First, there was no way he can hurt me or anyone because im much stronger than him(im 27 and bodybuilder and the man is old). i was sure i would beat him easily. I would not put my wife in such a risk. Second, she didnt tell me that she is worried about our health and some damage could happen to us, if she told this way there wouldnt be any problem. All she spoke about was im a crazy not normal man starting fight while the man is completely right

You DID put your pregnant wife and unborn child at risk.

What if someone fell or missed a swing and hit her in the stomach?

You say it was minimal but you absolutely humiliated her by acting very immaturely.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you created all this.

All you had to do was move your legs or ignore him. That's what any decent mature adult would do.

She's right to be mad at you for your behavior.

Edited January 6, 2020 by JTSW

[smackie9]

She's right to be concerned about your behavior. I agree violence is never a way to solve issues. You should have gotten up and walked away to defuse the incident. You are about to be a father....time to grow up.