LDR Breakup left open-ended for when I return

[marina17]

Hello,

I've been struggling a lot with moving on from a (temporary) long distance relationship. 

Problem: We broke up while I was abroad but I'm coming back permanently in July (I'm currently back for a month for winter break). He said we could pick it back up in the future but the open-endedness is making it hard for me to move on. Can't tell if he's moved on and still wants to get back together in the future.

Details: My ex and I are both 21 and broke up about 3 months ago while I was abroad. I left in August to study for 2 semesters in Europe and we broke up in October. We had every intention of making it work as I was planning to come back for Christmas (I'm home now) and he was going to visit me there as well. Of course, with the time difference being 9 hours, it turned into a very stressful situation that added a lot of pressure to our relationship- we're young, we want to go to medical school, and with me spending 9 months on a different continent, a concrete future became harder for him to commit to. He wanted to break up but be friends and continue talking so that in the future when we are in the same place, we could possibly pick things back up. We talked on the phone every few weeks after the break up, but now I'm back for the holidays and I feel weird about what to do moving forward. We made plans to see each other while I'm here and actually got coffee a couple days ago, but I can't read him on whether he's still interested in getting back together down the road, or if he's just sticking around to be friendly and nice. The last couple of times we spoke on the phone, I had to reach out to him and same for when we met up a couple days ago. When we left our meetup the other day he told me to hit him up next week to hang out again. (Why can't he hit me up??) I feel like he wants me to be the one pursuing him or perhaps he's just lost interest? I never sent any crazy texts or spammed his phone. We were both very good about giving each other space. Our coffee wasn't awkward, it was very normal but he seemed a little off/out of it. I'm not sure how to feel about seeing him. I'm leaving again for Europe in 2 weeks and will be gone this time until July. After that, we will both be living in the same place again. I feel like I'm getting to the point where I have too much pride to ask him to hang out again next week, but I also feel like I should see him while I'm here. I want to move on but I can't help but feel at the same time I want to explore our relationship again when I return. We had a really healthy, loving relationship before I left and never fought or had any issues. We were together for about 10 months, so it wasn't too long, but the main issue regarding our breakup was that I left and the future seemed so indefinite. He said in any other situation- if I didn't go abroad, or if I only went abroad for one semester instead of 2, he wouldn't have broken up with me. And he really wanted it to be as amicable and mutual as possible to have less resent and keep the door open for the future. We talked about breaking up for about two weeks before we actually did because I kept saying that if we broke up, I wouldn't want to be friends and he didn't want to risk the possibility of losing me entirely. I eventually agreed to this "friendship" because I could see how much the situation was stressing him out and thought this would provide some relief. It may have for him, but not for me. I think it's good for us to have time apart, especially since I can fully immerse myself in my abroad life, but I can't stop holding on to this hope that we can come back together. I love him but I just can't decipher anymore if it's worth it to leave that little hope or just let it go. I'll be gone this time for 5ish months and I'm worried that by the time I get back he'll have completely lost interest while I'm still thinking we have a chance. 

Please offer any advice that can offer me some guidance. Thank you

 

Edited January 4, 2020 by marina17

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the fact that you have been the one to initiate contact and meeting up speaks volumes. He isn't opposed to hanging out and keeping in touch, but it's not really a priority for him. 

I don't believe he has ill-will or malicious intentions, to be clear. He realized pretty quickly that long-distance isn't for him and was apparently honest about that. I would assume he's open to meeting local girls in the meantime, or he wouldn't have himself single to begin with. That's not to say he already had someone in mind when he ended things with you, but it does suggest he isn't prepared to put himself on hold for you until July. As such, you have two different visions for the next 7 or so months. You are reconciliation-minded, whereas he appears to be less inclined to meet you halfway on that. 

As such, I would not focus too much on what will happen upon your return. Instead, I would treat this as a break-up and not reach out to him again. If he is sincere about seeing where things could lead once you're back, you will hear from him. Step back and observe what he does of his own volition. 

[d0nnivain]

He just isn't interested in an LDR.  He may also fear that you are outpacing him in life & he's cooling things with you because he fears that won't come back or will come back changed so much that he doesn't know you. 

Be warm & gracious while you are home. Live your life as a single person while you are away but expect that he is also dating.  When you get back for good if you are both still single  & so inclined, re-connect but stop trying to hold this relationship together while you are abroad.  It's not like you guys were guaranteed to get into the same medical school.   

Enjoy your time abroad.