GF whom I adore is addicted to adderall and is destroying her life and our relationship

[Loyallover22]

GF is a bartender, together for 6 months known each other for 2.5 years, recently found out she uses adderall to get by for work and her day to day life/abuses it. She has a 4 year old but as of today informed me she loves adderall more than her daughter and me. I was on the verge of leaving her prior to this as she just crashes for days, doesn'thelp out with much but says it's all because of her depression. I love her deeply and unconditionally. She currently lives with me and has little to no family support. 

She was molested at the age of 5, been in horrible relationships.  I have too much patience I believe and love too hard but not sure as a human I should just give up on her just yet. I don't have a problem getting beautiful, educated and mentally sound women, this relationship just happened. I am divorced, amicably with 2 kids, 15 and 11. 

I know she needs a therapist and she only has gotten as far as calling one. Am I crazy for staying? My thought is to get her on a plan to get better and if she falls off then break it off. 

 

Thoughts?

[Mr. Lucky]

9 hours ago, Loyallover22 said:

My thought is to get her on a plan to get better and if she falls off then break it off. 

Ah, yet another fixer, the old KISA (knight in shining armor).

Loyallover22, do yourself a favor - attend just one NarAnon meeting in your area and tell your story there.  You'll get plenty of feedback from folks much further down the road, all built around the three C's - you didn't cause, you can't control, you won't cure. This isn't about your thoughts or plans, the ability to move forward rests solely on your GF.

You should indeed help her get treatment, perhaps as much for her depression as the addreall use.  With a 4-yr old, she needs all the help and support she can get.

But with children of your own, you need to think about healthy boundaries and prioritize your family first.  "Dad's live-in addict" isn't a good role model for them and they don't need the drama in their lives.

You have some tough choices and not much time to make them.  Keep us posted...

Mr. Lucky

Edited January 4, 2020 by Mr. Lucky

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

You are playing a role in her addiction lifestyle by enabling her... If she is not forced to make a change, she will not.

Contact her family and explain what is going on, you don't need to be apart of this, tell them they need to grab her stuff and she needs to go.

[Banana Bender]

You don't give much detail of your thought process, but reading between the lines you seem to be seeking validation for your decision to stay in this relationship?

Really not sure how you got to the point of living with somebody before you found out they were a drug addict?  That's something you need to examine and take with you for the future.

On 1/4/2020 at 1:01 PM, Loyallover22 said:

I love her deeply and unconditionally.

And therein lies the problem.
I've been where you are.  It's tough to acknowledge that you have fallen hard for the wrong person, and that again is something to take with you.

The key lies in the word.  Addict.  She is an addict, as evidenced by her refusal to put her child or relationship ahead of her drug abuse. 

There's a few things you need to understand so that you can move ahead:
Firstly, she doesn't value you or your relationship.  So at the very least you are in an unequal union, that can only ever end in pain and heartbreak for you.  I'd be advising you to get out of any such relationship.
Secondly, she is an addict and will never change.  I've dealt with many addicts.  To the extent that I make a distinction between an "addict" and somebody who is addicted.

Some who become addicted will fight the addiction because they have the right motivation.  True addicts lack that ability.  
Sometimes it is an underlying narcissistic personality disorder, and sometimes it is brain-damage caused by the drugs.

You need to accept that she is never going to change, and that she is never going to love you, or even her own child.

Best thing you can do is leave, report her to Child Welfare, and don't look back.  It is not your responsibility to save the world.

 

[mark clemson]

I agree that this situation is bringing out some KISA in you and not necessarily for the better.

Your GF is turning into a trainwreck if she isn't one already. The thing about people who are trainwrecks is they have strong tendency to turn the lives of those who love them into trainwrecks as well. So I think you're setting yourself up for some serious hurt here, possibly in ways you aren't even thinking about right now, such as robbery or violence if she can't pay a drug dealer and they decide to come to you. Drug addicts can become pretty extreme and there are indications of this already with her as you mentioned.

I think you'd be very wise to extricate yourself fully from this situation. If you're not capable of that then take whatever precautions you are able to to prevent problems from occurring. (They probably still will.) Personally I certainly wouldn't want a drug addict to have the keys to my house or car. You're best off steering fully clear of this IMO.

[major_merrick]

As a former drug user, I can tell you that there's two aspects to a relationship like that.  It depends on what kind of relationship you have.  Sometimes, only the person who loves you most can pull you out.  Other times, only losing the person who loves you can pull you out.  I'd say in your situation, you're better off leaving since you haven't been together for a long time.  I got pulled out by people close to me who were able to convince me to make a change.  But if it had been a new partner with just 6 months time?  Wouldn't have happened. 

Reforming an addict also takes a TON of time.  With young kids in your life, how many years do you have to take on this risky project?  There's always relapses.  And for some drugs, you crave it for a long time or even the rest of your life.  When I'm stressed out, part of me wants to get back on it.  I don't because I'm pregnant and breastfeeding, and I have a family who counts on me.  Without my partners and my family?  Who knows what I'd be doing.  Staying off drugs takes a lifetime of work even once you're done using them.  Most people don't have the ability to handle a partner like that.